Another birthday...

Last night I was simply walking down the hall and had the thought "tomorrow is my birthday"... immediately I started crying.  There's a lot going on right now... and emotionally... I was tired.  I've cried so much over the past several days that my face now burns immediately when tears touch my cheeks, and let's not talk about how my eyes have been feeling  :/

I took my tears to my room and started listening to a song that my friend suggested.  Then I started sobbing... I had asked Jesus to just please comfort me... and he is always happy to comply with a request like that... so I was just crying with Jesus and telling him how I felt.  Seriously guys... there is a lot going on in my life right now - I think a lot of us are in that place.  I have really been asking God to help me as I process through these things... because, for real, I have no idea how to walk through them... so anyway...

...in the middle of the next song - it's like I almost heard an audible whisper in my ear.  God... being the good daddy that he is... just whispered in my ear "if you could see what I see... you would be laughing right now instead of crying".  Just a whisper, that's all.  And in a moment... I was laughing.  Laughing and still crying... and then just laughing.  It's like, in that moment, he just filled me with so much joy. 

Then this morning I was talking to God - I've shared a bit of how I used to really dislike my birthday and I was repenting for the times I have cursed the day of my birth and thanking him for my life, my freedom, his love... a short while after that God started talking to me about my age.  I am 37 today and God was asking me what numbers can divide into 37.  I was like... none, it's a prime number.  So that rolled around in my head a little and I asked why did he point that out... He said just like 37 is a unique number to itself... that it can't be divided by other numbers... this is a unique year for me.  That unique things will happen this year like no other year before. 

I love getting a prophetic word from someone... but I really love getting a word directly from God, and that's a good word!  :)

This has been such a special day... and I have great expectations for the year to come.  I don't know what the next year will bring... it could bring more struggles, it could bring new levels of joy... but the one thing I do know is that I can trust God will be with me through all of it.

It's gonna be a good year y'all!

Relationships take work...

I'm reading this book...well, I'm reading lots of books right now.  Actually...I stopped and counted... I am actively reading 5 books currently.  Well, not at this very moment (obviously) ;)  you know what I mean...

So I'm reading this book and taking this class at my church and it's actually about marriage...but I figured  "hey...I plan to be married one day so...I'm down."  The first class was tonight and this is my take-away from it: Relationships require work.  Love requires work. 

I see that and think...well...obviously.  No relationship just happens.  In order for people to be "in a relationship" there must be sort of connection.  This book points out how at the beginning of a relationship...you make a specific effort to make time for the other person.  You might sacrifice time that was previously spent doing something else to spend time getting to know this other person. 

Unfortunately, once you get comfortable with the relationship...you can start to take it for granted.  Maybe not set aside so much time for that person.  Maybe you don't make so many sacrifices.  The point is that in order to have a healthy marriage, you must continue putting effort, work into the relationship.  You must continue making time for your spouse whether you are just married...or you've been together for 20 years.

Now... Here is what's on my mind tonight.  Reading all that and listening to it.  My mind says - yeah, we all know.  Love doesn't just happen.  Love is a choice that we make.  I know all this...it makes sense...
But then...driving home I was thinking of something.

I struggle to spend time with God.  I will think about how I want to do that...spend time alone with God everyday, read my Bible...  But then I don't do it.  I just don't make time. 
So...I was talking to God about this on my way home and I realized...I am basically just waiting for it to happen.  Waiting for the day when I wake up and suddenly just have such a strong desire to spend time with God that I do it. 

But how is that any different than not putting any effort into  relationship and expecting it to grow and thrive? 

So here is another example...
Say there's a guy who is interested in me...he is going to make an effort to talk to me, get to know me...   If I am interested in this man... am I going to remain silent?  Or am I going to make an effort to talk to him and get to know him?

Obviously I am going to make an effort.  I am going to talk to him and spend time getting to know him.  It is a choice that I make...it doesn't happen on accident.  So...why don't I do that with God?

An obvious answer could be that it's easier to make time for a human that I can see and audibly hear...but God is no less real.  He is speaking to me.  He makes an effort to engage me daily, and I do talk to Him daily...but I don't stop and spend time with Him.  He wants me to stop what I am doing sometimes and just sit with Him. 

In many ways...I still consider myself a "baby" Christian.  I have been friends with Jesus for about...7 years now.  I've said it before...but it's worth repeating... my life has been transformed since I started a relationship with Jesus.  And the transformation continues...

A wrong turn...

Today I had a pretty incredible experience...  I took a wrong turn while I was driving!!!  :)  I know...it doesn't sound *that* incredible.  But let me tell you what made this such an awesome experience...

I was actually in the process of having a conversation with God (I like to talk to Him out loud while I'm driving sometimes) about hearing Him, about how I really want to listen for Him and hear, clearly, what He is saying to me.  I was headed to a place that I needed GPS for so I just used the map on my phone and I had it set so that it would tell me, out loud, when to turn, how far to travel, etc.  

So I was just driving and talking, and I took an exit to switch from one interstate to another.  My GPS didn't tell me to do this...I was just distracted and in the back of my mind I thought this was the direction I needed to go.  Well... almost as soon as I took this exit - it hit me - this is the wrong way!!! But there was nothing I could do...except follow this interstate and take the first available exit, turn around and get back on the correct interstate, all the while listening to my phone tell me to turn around and go back to the route.  This little detour added 7 minutes onto what was approximately a 20 minute drive.  To me...that is notable because it was a pretty small detour in terms of miles, but... that's 1/3 of the original travel time.  That's a long delay for such a small mistake...but then that could open up a whole other blog post...

So back to my travels...I get back on the correct path and I am having this mind blowing revelation about what just happened and how it correlates to the conversation I was having with God... at the moment it happened!  I see this parallel in my mind of how this is similar to listening for God, following His lead towards point A, and then staying on that course until I reach point A...but somewhere along this course God gave new directions...I was supposed to take a left and redirect to point B...but at the beginning I heard God and He said point A...so I'm headed to point A.  I heard Him, I did...He said point A...but that was to get me headed in the right direction...He was still talking to me and I missed it while I was so focused on following Him to that original destination.  

This is still sort of rolling around in my mind right now; I'm seeing more and more layers of it.  How this has played out in my life at times...and how I have (on occasion) been so confused thinking..."but I heard God!" and feeling like I'd made some mistake...maybe I didn't really hear God...maybe I'm crazy.   But I did hear God, I just set my eye on that first destination and didn't quite hear when God course-corrected.  And here's one more thing...even in my failure to hear his redirection...my heart's true desire was to follow him!  I was actively trying to follow him...yet may end up feeling like I missed it altogether. 

One more thing...I also want to make sure that when I am hearing God...it's really Him and not me.  Because I think sometimes when I get that first set of coordinates (if only it was that set in stone lol)..and I start going...later when I go back to Him and ask if I should continue - I am so set on the direction I've been heading that when I hear "continue" its really coming from me...not from God.  And then...I may end up wondering if I ever really got that from God at all...or was it me all along?? 

Hearing from God...and knowing that it's Him... is all about relationship.  I guess it's sort of like any friendship...the more time you spend talking to a person, the more you know them.  You know how, with a close friend (someone you know really well)...if someone came to you and told you they said something - but it was totally out of character for that person - you would immediately know it?   I feel it's the same way with God.  Now... I'm definitely still learning and growing in this...and I have  lot of room for improvement, but it's something that I am trying to cultivate because it is so important to me to follow His plan for my life.

I love how God seeks to communicate with us...we only need to listen and cultivate that relationship... because that's so easy right?  Part of my reason for sharing this, is that I struggle to properly care for and cultivate my relationship with God.  I'll be honest, it's easy for time to fly by and I haven't opened my Bible or really dedicated any of my time to God...and I feel bad about that.  I struggle with guilt over it...but I am trying to do better.  

AI believe that what God wants...is my willing heart...and He has it :) 

It's not fair...

Tonight, during worship at church, I started talking to God about an issue I'm facing. I've been asking Him what action to take about a specific issue...and I hadn't gotten an answer yet.  So I sat down...and asked "what do you want me to do" 

Mostly God talks to me through pictures.  Tonight was no different, and I didn't like the picture I saw.  I had a very specific idea of how I wanted God to answer me... ever been there?  Asking for an answer...but you've already got the answer that you desire packaged up...and nothing else will really do?  At least it feels like nothing else will do...

The truth is..my heart is His...and He knows it.  I am not perfect, by any means.  I am human and that very fact means that I am given to error, but my heart is His and He knows I will follow (eventually).  So I told God...I don't like this...I don't want to do this...but... I will do whatever you want me to do - no matter how much I don't want to.  But God...I need your help.

Then I started feeling all these emotions... I sat there, crying, telling God I was angry at Him.  Angry because I feel that what He is asking me to do isn't fair.  It's NOT FAIR!  Seriously...I felt like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.  My body was shaking with the anger that was so alive in me...and I told God I felt He was betraying me...throwing my hurt and pain away and turning His back on me when clearly He should be taking my side in this!

And then God told me "it's not about fair...it's about relationship" 

Guys - tonight...I almost audibly heard the words God was speaking to me.  I have never before experienced such a tangible clarity in hearing from God...and I think it's because He knew that I wouldn't hear Him on this any other way.  My faith for what He was saying...wasn't there.  My expectation was so set on that nice little answer I had gift-wrapped (ya know, so He could hand it to me all nice and pretty and painless?) that I needed that kind of clarity.

 While I was explaining to Him how unfair this was (clearly...it is unfair in the natural...even He didn't argue with me on that point) He said several things.  I want to share some of our conversation
I told him "It's not fair! You should be angry on my behalf.  I have a right to be angry!"
He said to me "It's not about fair...it's about relationship.  I am about relationship...not tearing apart"
I told him "this is going to end in me being hurt... again"
He said to me "I am not doing this to hurt you.  I wouldn't have you be hurt again"
I told him "This is not fair!!!"  (In case He didn't hear me maybe...)
He said to me "Do you trust me"
and I said... "No"

There's the truth of it.  In this particular situation...I don't trust God to have my back, to protect me, to bring beauty from ashes, to turn darkness to light...all those things He does on a daily basis.  But along with that lack of trust (which is rooted in a lie somewhere) I also have the knowledge and awareness that I CAN trust God, that He always cares about me.  See, I know that lack of trust is rooted in a lie because it goes against what I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD.  

So...here's to walking it out... to following His plan not mine... to speaking His words when mine sound better to me... to resting in His peace when there is chaos all around... to doing something that goes against every logical thought in my mind.  His way is better, I have to trust that.  His way brings redemption and healing and love and...every good and perfect thing there is. 

So God...I will do what you want me to do, even though I don't want to, I just need your help. 

All from a tree...

Sometimes I feel like God speaks some pretty profound words through some not-so-profound situations/things. Today I was driving down a road that I walk every morning and I noticed something for the first time. There are these trees...who knows how old they are but they aren't young...and they have barbed wire through them. At some point, a barbed wire fence was swallowed by these trees and even though the fence is no longer there (in its original form at least) these pieces of barbed wire are a part of these trees now.

That image stuck with me the rest of the night. These trees are still living...still growing...still producing new leaves, new branches and seeds to create new trees...basically - these trees are still doing what God created them to do - they are are being trees. 

The barbed wire is still there...sticking out  and visible - but it doesn't prevent the tree from fulfilling its purpose as a tree.  I've had lots of "barbed wire" in my life - things that were painful and scarring. Some of those scars you can see with your eyes, but most you can't. The scars you can see don't bother me anymore...I honestly forget they are even there unless someone asks...but the invisible scars...those are the ones that still impact on my life on a daily basis. 

I used to believe that the damage created by that "barbed wire" had changed me in such a way as to make me incapable of some things...that it prevented me from being a certain way, or from having some things in my life.  But, just like those trees that continued growing in spite of the barbed wire, remained whole in spite of the barbed wire, and continued to fulfill their purpose as trees...in spite of the barbed wire... I have learned that in spite of the barbed wire in my life - I am still fully capable of fulfilling every purpose that God has placed inside of me. I am fully capable of being the person that God created me to be. 

All the lies that were rooted in my heart as a result of that barbed wire from my past had me convinced that I would never be able to give or receive love - and look at my life now. I LOVE with my whole heart and have amazing relationships with so many people.  Another lie was that I would never be happy/have joy - but my life is so filled with joy.  I love my life...I am so stinking happy!!  I won't list all the lies...but each one is just as false as the last. 

Basically...those trees just have me thinking of how - no matter what the barbed wire is in my life - no matter how bad a thing hurt in the past or hurts me now - I am still able to walk in and fulfill the destiny that God has planned out for my life. Nothing will keep me from that as long as I am keeping my eyes on him. No matter what pain you have had, or have now, nothing disqualifies you from God's plan for your life. 

Another year, another birthday...

Yesterday was my birthday...and my day was so full that I didn't have time to do more than think about a blog post.

I realized something yesteryday - out of my last four birthdays - only one has been spent in the U.S.A.  January 11th, 2013 I was in Poipet, Cambodia - on my very first, ever mission trip...I remember how wonderful that day was and how I thought "I'll probably never spend another birthday outside the U.S."  Three years later...I'm having my second birthday here in Tanzania, and my third birthday outside the U.S.

I'm pretty sure that I said last year was my best birthday yet...but this year...it was my best birthday yet...and, you know what?  I think God delights in making each birthday more special than the last.

This year I spent my birthday with a big group of friends...we went to a hot spring about 2 hours from home and got to swim at one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen in my life.  It's breathtaking...this beautiful blue-green water that is so clear...you can see all the way to the bottom.  It's truly amazing and mind-blowing...to be so blessed that I get to witness something like that.  God is good.

In some ways this birthday felt different than past birthdays...I have this feeling of expectancy right now.  I feel like God is doing some huge things in my life and preparing the way for some even "hug-er" things :)

As 2015 came to an end and 2016 has been getting started...I am filled with excitement for what this year holds.  I have this feeling that big changes are coming...I don't know what they are, but I know God does and I know he's got great plans for me...so I'm thrilled to see what's coming.

The last time I felt this excited and expectant...I was 2 months away from finding out that I would be moving to Tanzania (not even knowing that moving here was even a possibility...just having that "something big is coming" feeling).  I am so excited to follow God on the path that he has for me and see what is in store.

This feels like a good time to share that...this past year God asked me to make a difficult choice.  I felt like God asked me to walk away from something that I really wanted...and I can't tell you how hard it's been.  But I knew in my heart I was hearing from God and I made a choice to follow him even though it was painful, and still is.

Sometimes following the path that God is laying out before me feels easy - Fly to Cambodia? SURE!  Go to Nicaragua? YES!  Move to Tanzania?  YEAH!!!  But sometimes it's really hard, and kind of painful.  So...at this moment...I am thankful for the expectancy and excitement that I have for whatever God has in my future...even if the path to it bruises me a bit. 

God told me at the beginning of 2015 that I would learn to trust him and rely on him in ways I never had before...and that has certainly come to pass.  I am thankful that he never leaves my side...no matter what.

I wonder what January 11th, 2017 will look like?  I bet it'll be my best birthday yet ;)

I met someone...

Wow... it's hard to believe that I have already been back here in beautiful Tanzania for a month!! Life truly does fly by us, doesn't it?

So...you may (or may not) remember me mentioning my flights back home to Tanzania and that I met some amazing people. I had posted on Facebook about one woman in particular, and (finally) I want to share more about her. This is a long one guys...but it's worth it. God is amazing!

I had just finished rushing through the Dallas airport, praying I would make my 14 hour flight to Doha, Qatar. Walking down the aisle between seats, I stepped on the hem of a gown worn by the Muslim woman walking in front of me. In my mind I was like “oh no... did I just offend her? It's probably rude for me to even touch her gown and I just stepped on it with my dirty shoe.” I apologized and she said it was ok, and we kept moving. I get to my seat only to find someone in it. Someone wanted to trade their middle seat (between two seats) for my window seat, but...I wanted my window seat. An attendant had walked up and was telling the person they would have to move if I wanted my seat. I felt stuck...I wanted this other person to be comfortable...but I wanted to be comfortable too... and then I heard a voice say “the seat next to me is empty”.

I look over and it's the woman who's gown I stepped on. She is in a middle seat, and the aisle seat (which is truly my preference) is empty. I had this quick internal dialogue... what if she is mad at me for stepping on her... but then, why would she offer the seat next to her... what if this is awkward or I feel weird??

Let me stop here for a second and share something. I have encountered more Muslim people while living in Tanzania than I ever have in the U.S. and this has made me increasingly aware of some fears and anxieties that I had regarding Muslims. I have heard many negative things, and I have never had a close relationship with anyone who was Muslim. Towards the end of the school year (2014/2015) I prayed one simple prayer about this. I was swinging at school and I just said “God...I don't want to be scared of someone because they are different than me. Help me with this, help me to love people no matter how we are different from one another.” Now...back to the airplane.

I agree to the switch and take my amazing aisle seat (what a blessing). I'm getting situated...putting things away...and I pull on her gown again – now I'm thinking “great, she must think I'm so rude...why can't I be more careful!!” Now...seriously...if I had stepped on the hem of a woman's skirt...and then later accidentally pulled on her blouse while getting settled...I wouldn't have been happy about it but I wouldn't have been so anxious either. I was immediately worried that she would be mad at me just because I didn't look like her. I actually had a thought that she probably didn't like me because she probably thought that I wasn't dressed appropriately and she surely wouldn't like me because I was clumsy AND not covered enough (just being honest guys).

She starts talking to me (maybe she's not mad after all?) and asking me “where are you headed...what do you do?” I answer her "I'm a volunteer teacher, I'm headed to Tanzania...I'm a missionary, I teach at a Christian school."  Here comes another judgment... when I tell her that I'm a missionary and teach at a Christian school I think “now she won't like me for sure...” But she keeps talking to me as if she couldn't care less that I am a Christian. I find out that someone took her seat as well...small world, right?  Then she tells me... she too is a teacher... a volunteer teacher...a missionary like me...only for Islamic schools. She is my age...she is single (like me) and here is the kicker... she taught in Africa too... in Tanzania!!! WHAT??? We are like...the same.

We continue talking...and talk away the first 2 hours of the flight (you all know I can talk!) and learn even more things that we have in common. And from the moment we began talking...my fear and anxiety just left; and God started reminding me of my prayer at the swings. My new friend shared with me some information about Islam...but mostly she shared with me her heart for loving others.

During the flight, an attendant was giving out drinks. She asked what we would like and then made a comment something along the line of how it's nice to travel with a good friend and then asked how long my seat-mate and I had been friends. I said “oh...we just met on this flight” She seemed surprised and said “wow...that is beautiful.”

You know what? It is beautiful. It's beautiful that I can meet this woman who is my sister...all because God has laid it out. How amazing that this beautiful woman, with her kind heart and giving spirit is an instrument in answering my appeal to God to help me just love. Help me not to look at a person and see “Muslim” or any other label for that matter...help me to look at every person and just see what God sees. I am thankful for this life-changing meeting. I am thankful for this new friend, this new sister. I pray that we will stay connected and that – God willing - I will see her in person again one day. I am truly blessed.

darkness to light...

God is always helping me to learn more and more about myself.  I believe that if I am willing to learn, and choose to be open to seeing and hearing - God will speak to me always.

Not too long ago, I asked God to show me any lies that I still believe.  Something can get stuck in our minds as a result of...anything... any type of experience - good or bad.  God has helped me to become aware of lies that were in my mind... lies that I believed so fully that at first - when God was showing me "this is a lie" my reaction was "no...that is reality".

One lie in my mind that God is revealing to me right now... is that I am bad.  It's a lie that I have addressed in the past, but is apparently still down in there.  (Layers...right?  my friend Ginny would remind me of the fact that healing happens in layers at this point)  I know where it comes from - there were plenty of times that I was told that I was bad...and other times that I heard that repeated in my mind after something negative happened...reinforcing the lie.

I am praying about this lie... I want it out of my mind.  I am asking God to help me to get rid of it forever and replace it with his truth.  So... I started writing down some verses (many of which I have written in the past...multiple times) and two verses in particular stand out like a light in the dark.

Psalm 18:28... (NIV) You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
This verse stood out to me about 1 1/2 - 2 years ago and it has been a favorite since then.  I especially like the wording of the NIV because it says "my God turns my darkness to light"... He turns the darkness in my life into light!!!  That is so exciting to me!

1 Peter 2:9... (NLT) But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.
This is a new favorite...like in the past week or two.  I LOVE how it says that I can show the goodness of God because he called me out of the darkness and into HIS wonderful light!!!  

My life used to be filled with darkness, and I never would have thought that I could have so much of God's light in my life.  God called me out of the darkness... and I answered that call because I did not want the darkness.  I was drawn to his light...I wanted more than what the darkness promised me.

I am sharing all of this because... I feel like God wants me to.  Just a few days before I left the U.S. to come to Tanzania I had a powerful, life-changing experience with obeying God when he wants me to share something... even if it seems pointless.  It can be life altering for one person...and that is all that matters.  

God loves each and every one of us...me...you... so much.  He has a wonderful, perfect plan for our lives.  He desires a deep relationship with us... for us to know his perfect love.  This is the truth about me, and you... that God loves us and loves for us to love him.  He is not angry at us for messing up, he is not angry at us for not being perfect.  He does not look at me and see a mistake, something bad... he looks at me and sees his beautiful daughter!  He delights in me and smiles on me... he sings songs over me.  He created me, very specifically...and had a plan for my life before I ever existed.  He LOVES me!!! 

The power of love...

I had a rather profound moment with one of my kids yesterday and I wanted to share it.

I walked into my classroom to find two children during a time when they were supposed to be outside.  I tell them to head outside to play.  One does, the other stays where she has planted herself...on the floor in the corner.

She has her backpack sitting next to her, she just arrived a few minutes ago and she did not give me a hug - which she does every single day.  She is being a little sulky and I ask her "why aren't you playing outside?"  She answers "I can't...because my leg hurts."  I say I'm sorry that her leg hurts, and remind her that she is not allowed to be in the classroom at this time, but we can sit outside together.

She has a colored pencil in her hand and I have already asked her, "Is that your pencil or mine?  It looks like my pencil."  She answered "It's mine, I brought it from home."

I tell her to put the pencil back in her bag because it looks like my pencil and I might confuse it and try to keep it, and say "After you put your pencil away come and sit with me!"  I can tell she is feeling down...she is never this sulky... I wonder if she's getting sick.

She comes, with the pencil and her backpack and sits in my lap... I ask what's wrong... no response.  I tell her I'm sorry she is not feeling well this morning and give her a hug.  She leaves her head on my shoulder, arms around my neck...acting like she is about to cry.  I hug her longer and tell her "I love you so much...and guess what...God loves you so much.  You are so special!  I'm sorry you are having a hard morning, but I am praying that it will get better."

She sits back...looks at me with tears in her eyes... and holds up the colored pencil.  She says "Ms. Cynthia... here."  I have this short moment of confusion and then I realize... she was taking it when I walked in.  I happened to walk in as she was about to place it in her backpack.  THAT is why she is so sad...she feels guilty.

I look at her and the tears in her eyes and I take the pencil.  I say "Oh, this was my pencil and you were going to take it home?"  She nods her head, so sad.  I ask her to look at my eyes and I tell her "I am so very proud of you right now.  Thank you so much.  Look at this good choice that you made.  I am proud of you for telling the truth and I love you just as much as I did before."

I was shocked...the bravery that it took for her to do that, tears in her eyes.  But the illustration that God gave me out of this... WOW.  In the midst of her doing something naughty... taking something that belongs to me, sinning against me... I showed her love.  I hugged her and comforted her and told her how loved she was.  She clearly saw that I believed that this was her pencil...but she chose, instead of keeping it, to face the shame of confessing her sin and giving it back to me.

God, let me be so brave as this sweet little 4 year old when I have made a mistake.  Let me be so anchored in your love and my awareness of your love for me that I bravely stand up in the face of my poor choices and make things right.  The power of love... there are no words to describe it.

I am thankful to God for the countless examples of his love for me that he is showing me day after day.  So very thankful!

God loves me...

This morning I got some news that some people that I care about very much are suffering some harsh consequences for some poor choices they have made... this news came through a third person.  Because I am unable to communicate directly with these people (being in Africa makes communication a bit tricky in certain situations) I was thinking that I wish I could talk to them; of the things I would like to say.  I was feeling sad that I can't say to them "I love you, God loves you".

So with lots of prayer...and on the verge of tears...I am starting circle time for my preschoolers... we start every morning with prayer and this morning as I am preparing to start our prayer... other words come out of my mouth.  God was definitely speaking to me...and I believe to the ones I love...through me.

I told my kids "Do you know that God loves you?"
They answer "yes"
Me: "do you know how much God loves you?"
Kids: mostly silence...a few say "a lot"
Me: "I want you to picture in your head something or someone that you love the most.  raise your hand when you see that picture"
Kids: eyes closed...hands start to go up as they get their picture
Me: "now...feel how much you love that person or thing...feel how much it makes your heart happy"
Kids: smiling, still with their eyes closed
Me: "God loves you MORE than that!  and guess what...He loves you all the time, whether you are happy or sad, whether you are being naughty or making good choices, do you know that?"
Kids: some say no and some say yes...
Me: "what if you are being naughty...does God still love you?"
Kids: "NO!"  (all of them)
Me: "No?  guess what... the answer is yes... He still loves you even when you are being naughty or making poor choices.  What about if you are not listening to your teacher, or if you are sitting in the time out chair...does God still love you?"
Kids: like 3 or 4 "yes" and the rest "NO!"
Me: "The answer is yes again!  Even if you are not listening to your teacher or you are in the time out chair...God still loves you just as much as when you are making good choices.  What about this...what if you are saying mean words to a friend...what if you push your friend down and make them cry...does God still love you?"
Kids: some yell "YES!" immediately... the rest say "yes" after a few seconds.
Me: "YES!!! God always always loves you!  there is never a time when He does not love you, even if you say mean words and make your friend cry He loves you just as much as when you make your friend happy."

At the end of this exchange...the kids were talking about how God loves you even when you are sad and how he protects you when you are sad and makes you feel better.  I had been feeling pretty sad before this whole thing...so that was pretty amazing too.

Even as all these words were coming out...I was listening and thinking... this...THIS is what I would say to them.  These are the things I would say to them.. God loves you... God loves you even though you made bad choices and HE can help you walk away from those bad choices.  God is able...God is bigger... God loves you NO MATTER WHAT!

God's love for me, for them, for you is not conditional.  He surely does not delight in my poor choices, and poor choices have consequences whether I follow God or not... but He does love me with a love that is beyond all others.  He loves me if I am doing good, or if I am struggling and falling into sin... He loves me... always

New life...

What’s on my mind tonight is…pregnancy and new life.  I was thinking about how when you reach those last several weeks of pregnancy…the weight of the pregnancy can just be overwhelming…your body aches and you are tired...you can’t get comfortable…you can even get to the point where everything you eat makes you feel a little sick. 

And what comes next…labor and birth – those are painful!  Labor pains will make you forget all about the pain you had the week before and not being able to find a comfortable position so you can sleep.  But there is a purpose to it…a brand new life.  All of this pain...weeks of it, sometimes months…has a purpose, and it brings this new life into the world.

I’m thinking of how much this is like the struggle to overcome…well…so many things.  A bad habit, sin, negative behavior, addiction, offense, you name it.  You start out (sometimes) so excited and pumped to make this change in your life…and near the end you might be kicking and screaming…wondering who’s idea this was anyway.  But the reality is, change in my life is up to me.  There is really nothing that another person can do to force me to change…and God certainly isn’t going to force me.  So sometimes when I get to that point of looking around and wondering who’s bright idea all this was…I just have to look in the mirror.

I started out 2013 praying this prayer, fully desiring it in my heart “God, change my heart to be what you want it to be…mold me into the person you want me to be”.  And then things started kind of falling apart in April…and then by July things were really falling apart.  I was not in a good place for a few months and I didn’t really talk to anyone about it.  I went to a church conference one night and the speaker stopped while he was talking, pointed me out and told me “what you are going through right now, you asked God for this.”  I thought he was crazy and my face probably told him that…he encouraged me to ask God right then to show me…so I just stopped for a second and asked God…”if this is true, please show me” and immediately I was watching myself pray that prayer asking God to mold me into the person he wanted me to be.

I was blown away because I had spent the last 3 months angry and really kind of fighting God…I wasn’t doing anything to help this change along…in fact I was holding onto the old me, digging my nails and in and fighting with all I had to stay there.  So I started praying for God to show me how I could work *with* him on this.  After all…he was just setting up opportunities for me to grow and change into the person I wanted to be…which was the person HE wanted me to be.  So I made a decision the next day to be intentional with my actions in partnering with God on this. 

It was painful, it wasn’t easy…but the depression and anger lifted and I found joy again.  What happened was…I reached the difficult stage of the “pregnancy” and I just stopped…so it’s basically like (in my view) I caused myself to have to spend 3-4 months at that most uncomfortable stage of the pregnancy…refusing to birth the new life that was waiting to come.  Obviously, this isn’t possible with a physical pregnancy…but it is very possible with a spiritual one :) 

I really should be asleep right now…but I felt like this was important to share right now.  Overcoming is a journey, one that I’m still on.  One thing I have learned (without a doubt) is that when I am actively searching my heart for anything that doesn’t bring God glory…anything that brings me down, etc…I will find ugly things that I would sometimes rather not look at – BUT – another thing I have learned (without a doubt!!!) is that God’s love for me is so much bigger than those ugly things.  So much bigger that they are like dust to be blown away.  His love can overcome…and he can redeem anything!

Life is adventure...

I went to church in a village not far from home yesterday and it was so wonderful.  I loved the service and the worship and I very much look forward to a time when I can understand more Swahili instead of just being able to pick up about 1% of the words spoken.  I took some pictures to share with you - I always love going anywhere because it’s so beautiful here.  You are driving along and see an amazing tree – or suddenly you’re looking down into this huge crater in a rock.  I took most of these pictures with my phone, while the van was moving…a couple I took at the church, while I was obviously not in a moving van :)

This is Allie and me with the pastor’s wife.  I have no idea what’s up with the face that I’m making except that the sun was probably in my eyes…yeah, we’ll go with that  :)

Here I am apparently having some serious discussion with Francis – obviously about God (because I’m pointing at the sky)  Yup...totally.

Here – I am undoubtedly giving some very teachery wisdom to Mercy – who is one of my students for science  :)  (I also didn’t know this photo was being taken, but I love it)

Some of the awesome flags hanging in the church to represent the nations.

This super cool chicken walked up into the church during worship…I’m taking that as a sign from God that I should pursue my desire of raising chickens while I am here in TZ!  A goat also peeked his head in during the service…but didn’t actually come in.  So…no goats for me.

On the drive home…I love the sky, I love the hills (or are those mountains) and I LOVE the dirt road.  I took this picture for the view of the horizon…but noticed the dirt road after.  I thought that was pretty funny because I tried to take a picture of a different dirt road (I like dirt roads, I guess) and it didn’t turn out at all like I had wanted.  And then look at this picture, it’s like a little gift from God hidden in the middle of the photos I took that day!  

And look at this tree – it’s  actually smaller than the one next to it…but the picture of the bigger one was horribly blurry. This thing is huge…and the one next to it…it’s like someone took about 10 trees and wrapped them together in a bouquet!  It’s so awesome to see!  :)  (yes, there are power lines all through this one…but it was taken at about 50+mph sooo…)  ((also…my computer won’t let me crop out any of the huge sky soo…))

I wish that I could share the entire experience with you and let you see the real beauty in all of it…but these pictures will have to do.  Life is amazing!  I am so thankful to be living it! :)