Tonight, during worship at church, I started talking to God about an issue I'm facing. I've been asking Him what action to take about a specific issue...and I hadn't gotten an answer yet. So I sat down...and asked "what do you want me to do"
Mostly God talks to me through pictures. Tonight was no different, and I didn't like the picture I saw. I had a very specific idea of how I wanted God to answer me... ever been there? Asking for an answer...but you've already got the answer that you desire packaged up...and nothing else will really do? At least it feels like nothing else will do...
The truth is..my heart is His...and He knows it. I am not perfect, by any means. I am human and that very fact means that I am given to error, but my heart is His and He knows I will follow (eventually). So I told God...I don't like this...I don't want to do this...but... I will do whatever you want me to do - no matter how much I don't want to. But God...I need your help.
Then I started feeling all these emotions... I sat there, crying, telling God I was angry at Him. Angry because I feel that what He is asking me to do isn't fair. It's NOT FAIR! Seriously...I felt like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. My body was shaking with the anger that was so alive in me...and I told God I felt He was betraying me...throwing my hurt and pain away and turning His back on me when clearly He should be taking my side in this!
And then God told me "it's not about fair...it's about relationship"
Guys - tonight...I almost audibly heard the words God was speaking to me. I have never before experienced such a tangible clarity in hearing from God...and I think it's because He knew that I wouldn't hear Him on this any other way. My faith for what He was saying...wasn't there. My expectation was so set on that nice little answer I had gift-wrapped (ya know, so He could hand it to me all nice and pretty and painless?) that I needed that kind of clarity.
While I was explaining to Him how unfair this was (clearly...it is unfair in the natural...even He didn't argue with me on that point) He said several things. I want to share some of our conversation
I told him "It's not fair! You should be angry on my behalf. I have a right to be angry!"
He said to me "It's not about fair...it's about relationship. I am about relationship...not tearing apart"
I told him "this is going to end in me being hurt... again"
He said to me "I am not doing this to hurt you. I wouldn't have you be hurt again"
I told him "This is not fair!!!" (In case He didn't hear me maybe...)
He said to me "Do you trust me"
and I said... "No"
There's the truth of it. In this particular situation...I don't trust God to have my back, to protect me, to bring beauty from ashes, to turn darkness to light...all those things He does on a daily basis. But along with that lack of trust (which is rooted in a lie somewhere) I also have the knowledge and awareness that I CAN trust God, that He always cares about me. See, I know that lack of trust is rooted in a lie because it goes against what I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD.
So...here's to walking it out... to following His plan not mine... to speaking His words when mine sound better to me... to resting in His peace when there is chaos all around... to doing something that goes against every logical thought in my mind. His way is better, I have to trust that. His way brings redemption and healing and love and...every good and perfect thing there is.
So God...I will do what you want me to do, even though I don't want to, I just need your help.
