All from a tree...

Sometimes I feel like God speaks some pretty profound words through some not-so-profound situations/things. Today I was driving down a road that I walk every morning and I noticed something for the first time. There are these trees...who knows how old they are but they aren't young...and they have barbed wire through them. At some point, a barbed wire fence was swallowed by these trees and even though the fence is no longer there (in its original form at least) these pieces of barbed wire are a part of these trees now.

That image stuck with me the rest of the night. These trees are still living...still growing...still producing new leaves, new branches and seeds to create new trees...basically - these trees are still doing what God created them to do - they are are being trees. 

The barbed wire is still there...sticking out  and visible - but it doesn't prevent the tree from fulfilling its purpose as a tree.  I've had lots of "barbed wire" in my life - things that were painful and scarring. Some of those scars you can see with your eyes, but most you can't. The scars you can see don't bother me anymore...I honestly forget they are even there unless someone asks...but the invisible scars...those are the ones that still impact on my life on a daily basis. 

I used to believe that the damage created by that "barbed wire" had changed me in such a way as to make me incapable of some things...that it prevented me from being a certain way, or from having some things in my life.  But, just like those trees that continued growing in spite of the barbed wire, remained whole in spite of the barbed wire, and continued to fulfill their purpose as trees...in spite of the barbed wire... I have learned that in spite of the barbed wire in my life - I am still fully capable of fulfilling every purpose that God has placed inside of me. I am fully capable of being the person that God created me to be. 

All the lies that were rooted in my heart as a result of that barbed wire from my past had me convinced that I would never be able to give or receive love - and look at my life now. I LOVE with my whole heart and have amazing relationships with so many people.  Another lie was that I would never be happy/have joy - but my life is so filled with joy.  I love my life...I am so stinking happy!!  I won't list all the lies...but each one is just as false as the last. 

Basically...those trees just have me thinking of how - no matter what the barbed wire is in my life - no matter how bad a thing hurt in the past or hurts me now - I am still able to walk in and fulfill the destiny that God has planned out for my life. Nothing will keep me from that as long as I am keeping my eyes on him. No matter what pain you have had, or have now, nothing disqualifies you from God's plan for your life. 

He's always there...

Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that God loves you.  That God loves you and you are not alone.  That no matter how alone you feel...God *is* there with you.

Even in the darkest times when it seems impossible that God could be standing by your side...he is there.  And sometimes...that thought can make you angry. 

At least it's made me angry; very angry. It seems like, to me at least, if God is with me...then I shouldn't be hurting...I shouldn't be sad...I shouldn't be going through horrible things.  If God is with me...I should be safe. But...that's not how it works. 

I have struggled quite a bit with this issue and even now, when I am feeling sad or lonely - I sometimes get upset with God because it can feel unfair to be hurting when I am trying so hard to be obedient to him. But then I have to remind myself that fairness doesn't really enter into this equation. 

And then I remind myself that God loves me...and he is here with me even when I'm feeling sad or unsure of things. God is definitely not afraid of my emotions (thankfully) and whether I talk to him about my thoughts and fears - or try to hide them away - he knows what's going on in my heart. Better yet, he cares about what's going on in my heart. 

Sometimes I picture God looking at me the way that I look at my kids - he is so proud of me - not because I get it all right, not because I never make a mistake, but because I am learning and growing everyday.  He doesn't focus on my mistakes...he rejoices in my progress. 

He's ok with me feeling sad - it doesn't make him angry or disappointed. Sometimes...life is sad - and having a relationship with God doesn't make me immune from the sad things...it only promises me comfort and love in the midst of difficulty. 

So...I will remind myself that God is with me...and he loves me so very much...and I will feel thankful for his love and his presence. 

Another year, another birthday...

Yesterday was my birthday...and my day was so full that I didn't have time to do more than think about a blog post.

I realized something yesteryday - out of my last four birthdays - only one has been spent in the U.S.A.  January 11th, 2013 I was in Poipet, Cambodia - on my very first, ever mission trip...I remember how wonderful that day was and how I thought "I'll probably never spend another birthday outside the U.S."  Three years later...I'm having my second birthday here in Tanzania, and my third birthday outside the U.S.

I'm pretty sure that I said last year was my best birthday yet...but this year...it was my best birthday yet...and, you know what?  I think God delights in making each birthday more special than the last.

This year I spent my birthday with a big group of friends...we went to a hot spring about 2 hours from home and got to swim at one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen in my life.  It's breathtaking...this beautiful blue-green water that is so clear...you can see all the way to the bottom.  It's truly amazing and mind-blowing...to be so blessed that I get to witness something like that.  God is good.

In some ways this birthday felt different than past birthdays...I have this feeling of expectancy right now.  I feel like God is doing some huge things in my life and preparing the way for some even "hug-er" things :)

As 2015 came to an end and 2016 has been getting started...I am filled with excitement for what this year holds.  I have this feeling that big changes are coming...I don't know what they are, but I know God does and I know he's got great plans for me...so I'm thrilled to see what's coming.

The last time I felt this excited and expectant...I was 2 months away from finding out that I would be moving to Tanzania (not even knowing that moving here was even a possibility...just having that "something big is coming" feeling).  I am so excited to follow God on the path that he has for me and see what is in store.

This feels like a good time to share that...this past year God asked me to make a difficult choice.  I felt like God asked me to walk away from something that I really wanted...and I can't tell you how hard it's been.  But I knew in my heart I was hearing from God and I made a choice to follow him even though it was painful, and still is.

Sometimes following the path that God is laying out before me feels easy - Fly to Cambodia? SURE!  Go to Nicaragua? YES!  Move to Tanzania?  YEAH!!!  But sometimes it's really hard, and kind of painful.  So...at this moment...I am thankful for the expectancy and excitement that I have for whatever God has in my future...even if the path to it bruises me a bit. 

God told me at the beginning of 2015 that I would learn to trust him and rely on him in ways I never had before...and that has certainly come to pass.  I am thankful that he never leaves my side...no matter what.

I wonder what January 11th, 2017 will look like?  I bet it'll be my best birthday yet ;)