Relationships...

I have been a bit down the last few days.  I miss my friends:  going to movies with them and sharing popcorn…going to the same restaurant every Sunday after church…and group texts that get out of control way too fast (60 text notifications…sound familiar?)  As much as I miss all those things – what I am missing the most right now are the relationships I shared with a couple of people who know me so well that they could tell if something wasn’t “right” even through a text where I say everything is fine. 

I miss having someone, close by, who has known me so long that I don’t even have to say what’s on my mind really – and she knows what’s going on.  And God has been talking to me about that.  I have spent years – almost half of my life – building relationships with these people…and they are typically the ones that I turn to when anything is not going right.  They are the first ones that I think about when something exciting and wonderful happens.  They have supported me and stood next to me during some very dark times in my life with love and truthfulness (which sometimes felt like the opposite of love to me)  :)

 So when I miss that connection that I have with them…and to be fair we still have the connection…but we can’t talk like we used to... God reminds me that he is here and I can come to him with those things that I want to take to them.  What I want is the comfort of those bonds and the trust that I have built in those relationships.  What God wants is for me to come to him and receive the comfort that he has for me.  But it’s hard.  I don’t fully understand why it’s so hard but it is. 

My prayer lately has been for me to desire to spend time with him…because I don’t really that much.  I get busy with…life…and then it’s late.  It’s bed time and I still have stuff I needed/wanted to do and didn’t and another day is gone.  I keep having these thoughts about how I have spent years and years growing my relationship with some people and how my desire to spend time with them is great…  and then I think about my desire to spend time with him…and how not-great it is. 

But…if I compare it with what it used to be…well, I cannot think of words (which is astounding I know) to describe the increase.  I have only been friends with Jesus for about 6 years now…  and thinking about that…it fills me with  joy and excitement to see what my desire for him will be like in coming years!! 

I know that missing my friends is part of this journey that God is taking me on.  As happy as I am to be where he has me…the friends I have spent so much time with aren’t here and it’s normal to be missing them some.  But I know that another part of this journey is learning to lean into him and see him more and more as my father, who will provide all my needs, no matter what.  And while parts of learning to trust him more are difficult…the end result will be amazing!

I am forever thankful for the relationship that I have with Jesus and for the amazing people (there are too many to name) that he has brought into my life. 

1,000 words...

I want to just share some random pictures that I have taken since being here in Tanzania!!!  I promised a post with pictures…and here it is!   :)

This is Banana Stew – we had this for lunch one day at school and at first I was a little wary.  Who puts bananas in stew?  But it’s good!  These bananas are probably more like plantains, it wasn’t sweet at all…it was sort of like a potato.

Here is Settie (she has rice on her nose from dinner) our faithful guard dog!  She relentlessly prowls the yard, keeping an eye out for *any* suspicious creatures, big or small.  She is really sweet though and is always eager for a pat on the head (which I will gladly give her if I am headed *in* to the house and can wash my hands)  :)  every now and then she will forget that she’s an outside dog and try to come in the house.

These little dried fish go in with rice and beans to make Settie’s meals.  They smell like…fish…little dried fish…and she loves them.  It’s kind of entertaining to see her delicately picking the fish out of her dinner.

This cool looking bug tried to dive bomb into my hair while I was sitting at the picnic tables at school…but slammed into the table instead.  I snapped a few pictures while he recovered.  He was big and loud!  I heard his buzzing as he flew in and moved just in time.

An adorable little lizard baby snuck in the house (shhh…don’t tell Settie) and tried to make a home in my yarn.  I caught him and placed him (gently…don’t call peta) outside…well I actually tricked him into running into a cup and then placed the cup (gently) outside.  I tried to explain to him that I was helping him out…but he wouldn’t exit the cup.  So the cup stayed on my window sill lol

We pasteurized our own cow’s milk!   

I was nervous at first because I was afraid 

I would ruin it or boil it too long…but It 

was fairly easy.  Fresh cow’s milk is cheaper 

here than the boxed milk and most certainly 

tastes better.  It actually tastes better than 

any milk I’ve had before. 

 

This is one the amazing avacados 

we have had here – they are huge!   

They are also pretty cheap.

about 1,000 shillings each, 

which is about 75 cents US.   

Aaaaannnnddddd 

the homemade tortilla chips 

that to go with the guacamole 

that came from the avocado!!!   

This was my first time making 

my own tortillas!!!  Woohoo :)

When we walked out of the hospital (where I had my broken tooth fixed) there is this drop off into a ravine that was covered with trees…it looked like a sea of green leaves.  This picture doesn’t really show it – but this view is looking over that ravine and across to a hill or part of the mountain.  The hospital was up the mountain a bit so there were some amazing views on the drive up…so breathtaking.

I will end with this picture!  This was exciting!!!  Getting my residence permit :)  It came so fast!!!  There are people here who applied a year ago and just now got theirs…I got mine in a few weeks.  I was so excited to get my passport back with the stamp in it!  It’s official...passport stamp and all!!

New life...

What’s on my mind tonight is…pregnancy and new life.  I was thinking about how when you reach those last several weeks of pregnancy…the weight of the pregnancy can just be overwhelming…your body aches and you are tired...you can’t get comfortable…you can even get to the point where everything you eat makes you feel a little sick. 

And what comes next…labor and birth – those are painful!  Labor pains will make you forget all about the pain you had the week before and not being able to find a comfortable position so you can sleep.  But there is a purpose to it…a brand new life.  All of this pain...weeks of it, sometimes months…has a purpose, and it brings this new life into the world.

I’m thinking of how much this is like the struggle to overcome…well…so many things.  A bad habit, sin, negative behavior, addiction, offense, you name it.  You start out (sometimes) so excited and pumped to make this change in your life…and near the end you might be kicking and screaming…wondering who’s idea this was anyway.  But the reality is, change in my life is up to me.  There is really nothing that another person can do to force me to change…and God certainly isn’t going to force me.  So sometimes when I get to that point of looking around and wondering who’s bright idea all this was…I just have to look in the mirror.

I started out 2013 praying this prayer, fully desiring it in my heart “God, change my heart to be what you want it to be…mold me into the person you want me to be”.  And then things started kind of falling apart in April…and then by July things were really falling apart.  I was not in a good place for a few months and I didn’t really talk to anyone about it.  I went to a church conference one night and the speaker stopped while he was talking, pointed me out and told me “what you are going through right now, you asked God for this.”  I thought he was crazy and my face probably told him that…he encouraged me to ask God right then to show me…so I just stopped for a second and asked God…”if this is true, please show me” and immediately I was watching myself pray that prayer asking God to mold me into the person he wanted me to be.

I was blown away because I had spent the last 3 months angry and really kind of fighting God…I wasn’t doing anything to help this change along…in fact I was holding onto the old me, digging my nails and in and fighting with all I had to stay there.  So I started praying for God to show me how I could work *with* him on this.  After all…he was just setting up opportunities for me to grow and change into the person I wanted to be…which was the person HE wanted me to be.  So I made a decision the next day to be intentional with my actions in partnering with God on this. 

It was painful, it wasn’t easy…but the depression and anger lifted and I found joy again.  What happened was…I reached the difficult stage of the “pregnancy” and I just stopped…so it’s basically like (in my view) I caused myself to have to spend 3-4 months at that most uncomfortable stage of the pregnancy…refusing to birth the new life that was waiting to come.  Obviously, this isn’t possible with a physical pregnancy…but it is very possible with a spiritual one :) 

I really should be asleep right now…but I felt like this was important to share right now.  Overcoming is a journey, one that I’m still on.  One thing I have learned (without a doubt) is that when I am actively searching my heart for anything that doesn’t bring God glory…anything that brings me down, etc…I will find ugly things that I would sometimes rather not look at – BUT – another thing I have learned (without a doubt!!!) is that God’s love for me is so much bigger than those ugly things.  So much bigger that they are like dust to be blown away.  His love can overcome…and he can redeem anything!

Change...

This may be a weird post…just to give you a heads up.  I’ve never really discussed it with people, but I assume we all know what it’s like to be comforted by a smell…or the opposite.  So…I’ll assume that this won’t seem toooo crazy…  and if it does…then you probably know me well enough to just look past that :)  

Sometimes the weirdest things make me emotional…last night I was getting into bed to finally go to sleep (ok…it was actually this morning around 4 am) and when I inhaled…the smell of my pillows and sheets was familiar and comforting.  That was the first time this has happened since moving…and it made me cry. 

You know how, when you sleep in a hotel or in an unfamiliar place, the bed just doesn’t smell like yours (or feel like yours) and you notice it?  Well I notice a lot…but where I lay my head at night has always been a sensitive issue for me.  I do not (in all caps) like to sleep in any bed but my own and I typically have a very difficult time sleeping in a new place.   God has definitely helped me in that area during this transition…but for the first 2-3 weeks I would get into bed and my first thought would be that this didn’t smell like my bed.  The couple of weeks after that I guess I kind of forgot about that…as I got used to this new bed…but last night was the first time that this smelled like “my bed” and it brought some emotions up.

I haven’t really felt “homesick” through all this…maybe it’s coming but just hasn’t reached me yet.  I don’t know.  I have missed specific people…I have looked forward to talking to them…well – I guess if I think back to the time that I didn’t have internet and was unable to communicate with the ones I am closest to back home…that was difficult at times and I did have some sadness towards the end of those two weeks.  But something happened when I realized that my bed smelled like “home” – all the sudden I was overcome with emotion and I started crying.  Why? 

I don’t know, I don’t understand it.  I wish I could understand all the wonderful (and sometimes terrifying) things that our brains do…and why things make me feel the way they do.  All I know is I suddenly felt almost…guilty…that I haven’t missed home more.  It was weird.  But there was also an excitement with it…and a joy!  Because even though this has felt like home from the start, it is really beginning to be home in those small ways that only the subconscious really notices.  Like in the fact that my bed smells like…my bed.  I would like to add a disclaimer here…it’s not because my sheets aren’t washed.  We have a house mama, her name is Flora and she is amazing and so sweet and she washes my sheets every Monday. :)

And…like everything else…it has my mind thinking of deeper things.  (I’m just a super-duper deep person ya know)  Like how life changes all around us and sometimes we don’t even notice until all the small changes add up into a big life altering change…and how that can happen in good ways or bad.  I have lately (in the past year) experienced several of those “moments” where I look around and realize that all these little changes…mostly ones that I was consciously trying to make…have resulted in a big change.  That feeling of being at the edge of something big…and knowing that my life is changing forever and I am being a part of making that happen...instead of just watching it happen.  That is a good feeling, and I can think of at least three times over the past year that I have had that feeling…and I could see my life changing like a tapestry being woven and the pattern being altered in the middle. 

Then there is another feeling, just as amazing…but the feeling of a huge change coming that you know God is bringing…but you don’t know what it is…you just know that you are walking with God and as a result of having given him your life…you will partner with him in whatever change is coming your way.  I have felt that one twice over the past year…and the last one brought me here to where I am sitting now…in a living room in Tanzania.  With the windows open and a fan going, and a cup of tea with milk (which I love now…that’s a small change) hearing all the outside sounds and feeling the breeze getting cooler with every passing hour. 

I am so thankful in this moment for all the changes…big and small…that have brought my life forward out of some very dark places.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to partner with my father in heaven and make decisions about my life…thankful that I know I can rely on him for all my needs, even the ones I don’t know about.  I am just so very thankful for the life that I have and the chance to be living life right now!  I think, sometimes, that because of the darkness that used to envelope my life…the light seems so much brighter.   Life is definitely bright…and I’m loving it!!! 
 

And all this started with my sheets smelling like home :)  love how the brain works ;)