Life is adventure...

I went to church in a village not far from home yesterday and it was so wonderful.  I loved the service and the worship and I very much look forward to a time when I can understand more Swahili instead of just being able to pick up about 1% of the words spoken.  I took some pictures to share with you - I always love going anywhere because it’s so beautiful here.  You are driving along and see an amazing tree – or suddenly you’re looking down into this huge crater in a rock.  I took most of these pictures with my phone, while the van was moving…a couple I took at the church, while I was obviously not in a moving van :)

This is Allie and me with the pastor’s wife.  I have no idea what’s up with the face that I’m making except that the sun was probably in my eyes…yeah, we’ll go with that  :)

Here I am apparently having some serious discussion with Francis – obviously about God (because I’m pointing at the sky)  Yup...totally.

Here – I am undoubtedly giving some very teachery wisdom to Mercy – who is one of my students for science  :)  (I also didn’t know this photo was being taken, but I love it)

Some of the awesome flags hanging in the church to represent the nations.

This super cool chicken walked up into the church during worship…I’m taking that as a sign from God that I should pursue my desire of raising chickens while I am here in TZ!  A goat also peeked his head in during the service…but didn’t actually come in.  So…no goats for me.

On the drive home…I love the sky, I love the hills (or are those mountains) and I LOVE the dirt road.  I took this picture for the view of the horizon…but noticed the dirt road after.  I thought that was pretty funny because I tried to take a picture of a different dirt road (I like dirt roads, I guess) and it didn’t turn out at all like I had wanted.  And then look at this picture, it’s like a little gift from God hidden in the middle of the photos I took that day!  

And look at this tree – it’s  actually smaller than the one next to it…but the picture of the bigger one was horribly blurry. This thing is huge…and the one next to it…it’s like someone took about 10 trees and wrapped them together in a bouquet!  It’s so awesome to see!  :)  (yes, there are power lines all through this one…but it was taken at about 50+mph sooo…)  ((also…my computer won’t let me crop out any of the huge sky soo…))

I wish that I could share the entire experience with you and let you see the real beauty in all of it…but these pictures will have to do.  Life is amazing!  I am so thankful to be living it! :)

 

A new thing...

I am in the process of learning a new language, and tonight I have all these (super-deep) thoughts in my head about how learning a new language is so much like the process of healing…or whatever you want to call it when you take the messy parts of your life and try to make them less messy.  I call that healing, probably because that’s what others have called it.  But it’s something that we all do right?  We all have trauma and we all have to heal from it. 

One discussion that I have had with many people, on many occasions: there is no level of trauma that is “too small” to be considered.  Trauma is trauma and we all have it.  At first glance it may not make much sense, but it’s only our minds that put levels and degrees on everything and make this worse; or that better.  It’s only our minds that say “you think you have it bad, you don’t know bad…wait till you hear what happened to me.”  Your worst experience is your worst experience…and, sure…maybe when you put it next to someone else’s worst experience it suddenly doesn’t seem so bad anymore – but it’s still your worst.  Whatever caused you the most pain, ever in your life, is just as bad as whatever caused me that level of pain in my life.  Only one of those things might be dramatic enough for a lifetime movie marathon – but the level of pain it caused is still the same…in my opinion.  (oh…and just fyi…you cannot convince me I’m wrong on this…it’s not possible.  So I guess this isn’t really an opinion, it’s more of a belief)

So – back to my purpose – sorry for all the words.

To me - learning a new language is a lot like the healing process (like how I summarized first thought there?) because I hear a new word in Swahili and my mind tries to relate it to an English word – but they may be totally different (for example “–lake” goes onto the end a word to specify ownership and my mind wants to relate it to “lake”.  The two aren’t even similar) and I realize that if I try to memorize it this way…the meaning of this new word is going to get all jumbled up in my mind and confused at some point.  It’s like that with healing.  If you have a learned, unhealthy, way of coping and you set out to change that, it’s easy to just relate the old unhealthy behavior to a new behavior…and then it becomes unhealthy too.

I experienced this in my own life.  For a long time, I never even stopped to consider if the way that I was surviving life (because that’s all I was doing…surviving, not living) was healthy or not.  I didn’t really have time to care because I was too busy with all the craziness going on.  Eventually – with the help of a trained professional – I recognized that I needed to remove some harmful behaviors from my life.  But no matter what I did I ended up with only slightly less unhealthy behaviors.  The problem was - my desire for the way the behavior made me feel and my need for something more was still there, so I was just taking the new “healthy” behavior and searching for ways to have it make me just as “good” as the old one did.  I was relating the new thing to the old thing, and thereby corrupting the new thing. 

Skip forward a few years…I now had a relationship with God.  I now knew that I had been searching all along for something to fill a void that he fit perfectly into.  But my relationship with him suffered because I was constantly stuck in old, negative behaviors.  I knew they weren’t healthy, I knew they created a wall between me and him – but I couldn’t get away from them.  Then one day, I was driving to work and I was repeating a verse in my head about how the old has passed away and I am made new in Christ.  I felt this desperation come over me and I told Jesus “I can’t wait until I am new and the old is gone” and his reply to me was basically “I can’t wait until you realize that you have BEEN new…it’s done…the old IS GONE…you just don’t realize it”.

I had to think on that for a while.  How could I be new…when I was still behaving the same old ways?  Because… I was still relating the new thing to the old thing, and…you guessed it - corrupting the new thing.  My mind thought that I had to still be the same old person because that’s who I had always been.    This next part offended my mind quite a bit – but here it is… all I had to do was stop giving in to the temptation to return to these old behaviors.  But that seemed impossible to me…that I could turn around and walk the other way.  My mind couldn’t grasp the fact that there was a brand new me already in place that didn’t need those old things anymore.  I had already learned a new language and didn’t even need the old one anymore…but I was too afraid to step out and start using the new words!  To go one step further…I couldn’t even see the new language because I was focusing so hard on the old one!!!  This realization was so freeing for me.  It opened huge doors in my healing and allowed me to step past some negative things that had seemed to be glued to me before.  I was able to drop them and walk away. 

So – this may have gotten a bit rambly…maybe my path was a little twisty  :) but I think you get the point I am trying to share.  Maybe it’s more like three points – 

1. We all are broken in some way…there’s no shame in that.  Even if we end up broken into tiny pieces, there’s no shame.  It’s just that much more amazing when God creates a *new* life out of the broken pieces.
2. Our minds cannot grasp or comprehend the healing, restoring power of the Holy Spirit and what all is possible when we surrender to God.
3. Sometimes, all it takes is seeing ourselves the way GOD sees us.  If we would live like we are the person HE sees…man…what a changed world this would be!

Wait..I’ll add a fourth point – feeling temptation to sin isn’t the same as sinning.  (That one took me a while.)

Ok…I hope this isn’t too jumbled...I actually think it’s quite amazing just because of the emotion that’s attached to it for me.  (strong ones just so you know)  God is all powerful…there is nothing that he cannot do.  He is most certainly in the business of reclaiming, restoring and redeeming.

It's a choice...

Sometimes God asks me to do things that make me uncomfortable.  Usually when that happens, I don’t really understand the purpose behind whatever it is that he is asking me to do.  Like…why does it matter if I say or do this specific thing?  But…I know there’s always a reason, even if I never find out what it is.  This is one of those things.  I don’t even know how this blog post will come out – but I have anxiety about posting it and it possibly making someone mad.  When I first felt like God was telling me to post about this subject, I was like “whoa…what if ________ reads it and gets mad at me?”  I still have a little anxiety about it, but the reality is…if God asked me to do it, then there’s a reason.  So here we go… Oh…FYI, I may leave what comes next without editing it much…or maybe not…but at this very moment…I have *no idea* how my words will come out on this issue.

Why is it ok for God to ask me to forgive someone who hurt me, a lot, even though that person has never apologized – and I doubt that they ever will.  Why is it ok for God to ask me to love that person and pray for them?  Why, when they should have never done what they did and won’t even take ownership of it, should I be kind to or speak kindly to this person?  Shouldn’t they have to at least say “I’m sorry”?  Or, if they can’t do that, then shouldn’t they at least admit that they did wrong?  Or, if they still can’t even do that, shouldn’t they at least say “I should have done something differently”? 

God is showing me where I am holding onto anger in my heart instead of forgiving.  One thing I have learned about forgiveness is that, like healing, it also happens in layers.  At least for me it does.  I started a few years ago with God showing me that he wanted me to forgive a specific person and it made me so angry.  It took me a few weeks (or was it months) to even be able to say to God “please put forgiveness in my heart for ____________ because I don’t have it” and it has grown from there.  And even though I have made so much progress in this area and I have walked down this road towards forgiveness, I guess I am still not there.  Seriously, how many times can I forgive this person before all the anger is gone?  Only it’s not anger.  Anger is just the safer thing to feel, it’s pain and grief. 

And to be honest I think to God “it’s not fair to ask me to share this with people when it hurts so much” but then…he has reasons even if I don’t know them.  So I am (once again) at a point where I would rather be angry at this person and remind myself of all the reasons why I have a right to be angry and how it’s not fair, it’s *not fair* that I should even have to think about forgiving.  I know all the stuff about how God forgave me and if God forgave me then I should forgive – but that makes no sense to my brain.  I know God sees sin as sin, but I have degrees of wrongness in my mind and some things are just too wrong to forgive and that’s all there is to it…end of story.

But then God reminds me that this pain that I feel and all these tears are only because I haven’t forgiven and he reminds me of the peace that is available.  And right now I am remembering the moments when I have had these huge revelations of how forgiveness isn’t for the other person it’s for me.  It makes me whole, not them.  It gives me peace, it allows me to love, it helps me to let go of lies that I have believed.  But even remembering those things doesn’t make it easy.  (Or even make me want to forgive)

I think (and have many, many times) why can’t I just not ever speak to that person again?  But then I remember (again) that the pain would still be there.  Why can’t God just take the pain and allow me to keep my anger?  Isn’t it justified?  But what purpose would the anger have if it doesn’t have pain to cover up?  And if forgiveness helps so much, then why do I go through this struggle more than once?  And why can’t I seem to get to the end of it?  Can’t I just say “God, I forgive ____________ for every single thing that they ever did or said that caused me pain.” End of story.  I think that won’t work because forgiveness only works when you know what you are forgiving and you make a choice to forgive specifically for that pain. 

And I think (I could be wrong, but I think this is the truth) that the pain comes up again because there is a new lie that is being revealed that needs healing.  I could cover a wall with the lies that God has healed me from, and there have been tears almost every time.  I think that with the revealing of a new lie that has taken root in my heart, there is pain (more pain with some lies than with others) and then the choice to forgive must be made regarding the hurt that is associated with that lie/pain. 

I don’t even know what the lie is this time…what keeps coming to mind is that this person never loved me or cared about me.  But to me that doesn’t feel like a lie, it feels like the truth.  Maybe that’s something I will have to work out with God.  I have learned to ask him “what is the lie that I need to break here?” and he will always show me.  Ok – I think that is all.  To be really honest, I’m not sure how I feel about posting this (and maybe I secretly hope that the internet will go down…it certainly crashes enough when I want it to work properly) but if I know anything for sure…it’s that God knows what needs to happen (way way way) better than I do.   

I love hugs...

I love hugs.  Real hugs, with two arms, that last more than one second.  

Before relocating, I could count on at least 5 hugs (minimum) every Sunday and Wednesday at church, along with random hugs from friends in between.   

A few of the folks I could always count on getting hugs from

And…I had my sweet Zorah to cuddle with! 

I knew you would want to see her sweet face...

I’ve read a couple of things online (probably on Facebook) saying that we should get about 10 hugs a day, and that would suit me just fine.  But…I have never just hugged random people…and I don’t really have people here that I’m on a hugging basis with so... my “hug tank” is pretty empty. 

God has been uncovering some pain – that I thought was healed and gone – in the last couple of weeks and, to be honest, I could really use a hug. :/  I said as much to a good friend last night via text and she replied “I guess God will have to hug you.”  I agreed, and that was, pretty much, the end of that.  

This morning, I go to school, prepare my classroom and go out to the small play area that we have for the preschool class.  Immediately, one child comes up to ask for justice in a dispute over a toy (even though there were two other teachers out there before I came on the scene) so I went to handle it.  Then another child, with another issue…I started praying for peace in our preschool and just said “God, please don’t let this be how this whole day will go.”  A little while later, one of the children runs up to give me a hug.  After that, another child runs up to hug me…and another…at one point I had three children hugging me simultaneously.

I never asked God “can you please send someone to hug me?”  I didn’t really talk to God specifically about hugs at all…I just mentioned to a friend that I really could use a hug…and God sent me some of the sweetest hugs possible.   :)  BTW - I’m pretty sure that a hug from a child is just about as close as you can get to an actual hug from God.

This hug right here... (Cambodia - 2013)

As for this hurt that God has revealed to me…that I thought was over with and done.  I don’t know what else to call it because…it does hurt.  It is painful.  It’s old hurt, from a long time ago, that has been covered up and hidden away.  I would much rather just leave it just like that, covered up and hidden away, but...there’s God.   I have given my life over to God completely, my life is his and my heart belongs to him.  Anything that is hidden there (hidden so well that I don’t even know it’s there) is taking up space that belongs to HIM.  It is space that I have given him authority over…and, to be fair, I have asked him specifically to reveal any darkness that is hidden in my heart.  Anything that is in my heart; that has taken root in my life, that isn’t from God…well, it is taking up space that HE could be taking up. 

If someone gave me a house – not to just live in for a while, but for me to own…I would go through and examine every room.  I wouldn’t leave old rotting boxes in the attic, I would throw them out.  I wouldn’t leave the old stained carpet on the floor; I would tear it up and replace it!  In the same way, God will not allow these things to stay hidden in my heart; simply because his love for me is too great.  He wants me to be totally free and completely healed.  So, even though he knows it will be painful for me to uncover this hurt and face it, he also knows that HE will have more space in my life once the “trash” is gone.  I have given God my whole life and I am dedicated to overcoming any of the old darkness that may still have a root in my heart or in my mind.  

I remember, not very long ago, when I was new to this whole “relationship with God” thing and I used to look forward to a time when I would be done working on all my problems.  I daydreamed about reaching a point in my life where all my issues were resolved and I never got upset anymore or felt sad.  Then one day I realized that if I ever reached *that* point, that I would be in heaven!  I had gotten this idea that being a “good Christian” meant that I wouldn’t have pain or upset or problems…surely I experienced those things because I wasn’t living the right way…not trusting God enough (no lie…I really thought this).  But eventually, I came out of that mindset (thankfully) and realized that having a relationship with God doesn’t remove all the hurt, pain and uncertainty from my life…but it does give me peace when I am experiencing those things.  

I have realized that we are like onions…there are all these layers going deeper and deeper.  Pain, especially pain that was repetitive, isn’t just all stored in one neat little box that you can take out, deal with, and be done.  It is dealt with in layers, one after the other.  I have also realized that even when you think you have dealt with the deepest layer, there can be even more hidden away; and that can be frustrating.  But... I want to think of it like this: there is gold under that deepest layer.  A treasure that is worth all the digging, hard work, sweat and tears…and eventually…I *will* reach that gold! 

And...God is gonna send some amazing hugs to help me along the way :)