Life's not fair...

Someone used to say to me (quite often) "life's not fair"...  Maybe that is true, but this phrase takes on a more sinister meaning when it's being used by someone who is causing pain and "unfairness" on purpose.  Being a bully and defending it with "life's not fair" is not...well, it's not fair. 

But sometimes it seems like *life* is the bully.  Just surviving it can take all you have...life can leave you beaten and bloody and huddled in a corner somewhere wondering what could possibly come next.

Tonight, during worship, I felt so totally unable to feel any connection with God.  Nothing.  It felt like there was this barrier when I would try to sing and every time the words of a song would speak of loving God...my eyes would fill with tears.  Finally I was like, what is going on God?  Why am I feeling this way?  So torn, like I want to worship you, but can't.  And why does any song about loving you make me start crying???

I sat for a little bit with my feelings (something that can be rather difficult) and then all the sudden had this huge realization.  I suddenly felt this anger...not just irritation...but the huge anger that comes when something totally unjust has happened and you are left with these broken pieces of yourself.  As soon as I found the anger I had this thought "how can I love God when I am so angry at him?"

It is surprising to me that I can have such a huge anger at God and not be constantly aware of it.  It's like the screaming, sobbing, throwing things kind of anger.  As soon as I found this anger, I kept hearing in my head "life's not fair"  - a long time ago, those words came to mean this to me: anyone can do whatever they want to me and there is nothing I can do about it. 

I used to believe that God was, at the very least, indifferent to my pain; and at the very worst... happy that I was hurting...that he was happy that "life's not fair".  But here is the truth: God's heart is broken for the hurting.  He does not choose some of us to throw to the wolves; turning his back as we are ripped apart over and over again...his heart breaks every time we are hurt and he weeps over our pain and the injustice of it.

Sin in this world creates so much pain.  I still wish there was a better explanation for the "why" but this is it.  Sin has corrupted some people's hearts so much that they do horrible things.  And that hurts God...his heart aches for all the ones being hurt.  There is more though...his heart also aches for the ones inflicting the pain.  He wants to be able to comfort and heal both.  

My anger is real, but it is misplaced.  Some things should never happen, some things cause so much pain that it seems like it should be impossible...like it can't exist.  If that doesn't make sense; I'm sorry but I can't explain it any other way.  My anger is at the injustice...at the fact that such pain can even exist in reality.  The good part is that God is big enough to handle my anger; the best part is that he loves me regardless.  His love for me is not hinged on my love for (or lack of anger at) him. 

Life's not fair...but God is amazing!  He is all powerful and can heal even the pain that seems impossible.  More importantly...He  WILL heal even the impossible pain.  I am thankful for his healing and redeeming power.

Making sensory bottles

This week has been great!  When I first came here, I had some ideas for items I wanted to have in my classroom - but these last 3 1/2 months have flown by and all the extras were forgotten.  This really has been such a huge adjustment...and I feel like my life is finally settling into a routine  :)   so...this week I got started on one of those things I had planned back before arriving here in Tanzania.

First I raided the craft supplies that we have at school.  I brought home anything I thought I could use.  I grabbed plastic beads, pipe cleaners, some sequins...and then while I was digging through one box... I found GLITTER!  I snagged some toy dinosaurs from the preschool playroom and also found some foam alphabet stickers.  My plan was to make some awesome Sensory Bottles (I've also heard them called Exploration Bottles and Discovery Bottles). 

A friend gave me enough empty water bottles to complete one for each of my students and I got started! 

I picked through the beads and sequins to make a red bottle and a blue bottle.  I also made a couple of bottles with only 2 or 3 colors in them, but the rest were just random colors.  I added at least a handful of beads to each bottle to add to the movement and colors.

One great thing about the beads is, as they move around in the bottle you can hear and feel them hitting each other or the bottle - which addes to the enjoyment for the kids.

I knew the dino bottles would be a favorite for all the kids!  I made four different bottles with dinosaurs in them, two with rice and two with water.  These dinosaurs are perfect because they are small and flexible, so I was able to squeeze them into the bottle opening!






Most of the bottles are filled with water, but I wanted to do a few with rice as well.  I may go back later and use colored rice, but I wanted to make the bottles now (not later) and I know dying the rice would take some time.  I want to share a little about the rice bottles because I had some problems with them and after a few different tries I think I got the hang of it. 

 After a couple of bottles that didn't work at all because they were too full...and then because I had too many dinosaurs and they couldn't move easily, then another that I didn't like because it was only dinos and no color...  Here is what I came up with. 

I put a little rice in the bottom...

 and then I added some dinosaurs...

I alternated adding a couple of inches of rice and a couple of dino toys. 

I stopped with a few inches of room left and it was perfect!  The rice can move, and with a little work the kiddos will be able to search for dinosaurs and "eggs"  :)     I like the colored beads being in the bottle and I think the kids will love counting the dino eggs  :)

For the water filled bottles, I did so many variations.  I especially like the ones with the "snow" confetti in it.  I found some super chunky "opalescent" glitter and it made me think of snow.  When I put it in the bottles with water it made a cool effect.  It's bigger than the other glitter so, instead of rushing to the top or bottom of the bottle, it drifts slowly through the water. 



I used these fun foam alphabet stickers in a few of the bottles.  They are really tiny, and I was worried about how I would get the glue off the back without messing up the sticker (and honestly I was not looking forward to spending a bunch of time "de-stickying" so many small stickers) but the good news is the African heat had dried out the glue anyway...all I had to do was remove the paper back and voila...no sticky :)




Here is an example of one of the water filled bottles; they were super easy and fast.  I added the glitter, and then the beads and other items.  I used a funnel and added lots of the chunky glitter, but with the regular glitter I used maybe a 1/4 a teaspoon and no funnel.

I used filtered water in my second batch, because the tap water seemed a little cloudy in some of the first bottles.  I filled the water almost all the way to the top and then (after drying the outside) glued the lid on.  I used Elmer's glue because that's all I have, but I am going to look for some super glue to have on hand in case the Elmer's doesn't hold.

Some of the items I used were:
Pipe cleaners - corkscrew around a pen, expand it a little & cut them short - they're perfect!
Colored straws cut into approximately 1/2 inch lengths
Sequins of all colors, shapes & sizes
Plastic beads - again...all shapes, colors & sizes
Plastic dinosaurs (fun!)
Lots of glitter!
Pom poms - the colorful ones you buy at the craft store for kid's crafts


I tried feathers and they did not work out at all.  I was hoping it might look cool and kind of fan out (you know, like your hair does in the pool) once it got in the water...but it looked...well, like a wet feather.

One last tip: don't use the super fine glitter.  The small glitter worked fine, but the super tiny glitter clumps up in the water and doesn't mix well no matter what :/ 


So - that's a lot of pictures - but here are the best ones!  My kids playing with the bottles :)  They LOVED them!!!  Some of the kids sat on the floor and rolled the bottle back and forth with a friend.  The bottles were definitely a hit!!!

 

I am so pleased that I was able to make these without even having to go to the store...or wait for any supplies from America!  Everything I needed was available because people have brought craft supplies to our school in the past!  Now...for my next project I might need some things from America...still working on that :)

A little more...

I posted on Facebook the other day about missing home.  I felt like God wanted me to share a little more about that.  I post the happy, fun things…but not all the tears.  And I don’t think God necessarily wants me to post *all* the tears – but I did feel like, with this, he is telling me to share a little more.  I was really struggling emotionally over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I cried…a lot.  My eyes were sore from all the crying, and my heart ached.  You know that pain that you have in your heart when you are grieving…that is what I was feeling.  I was just feeling like I would give anything to be able to hug some people…to be able to stay up late talking and watching a movie and laughing…and I would still love to do those things. 

But…someone emailed me saying they were praying for me (I always appreciate that) and when I was writing the reply…I started writing about how I know that this is where God wants me right now.  How I know in my heart that I am walking out the plan that he has for my life at this time.  I was also sharing how I believe, more than ever, that God has plans for me here long term…that it’s not just for these 10 months but for much longer…and how that is exciting and a bit overwhelming all at the same time.  The point I am getting to is this: as I wrote that reply…I was being reminded of the things that God has spoken to me and the promises that he has shown me in my life and I felt this renewed sense of purpose.  The pain I was feeling faded away and was replaced with this surge of joy and excitement and wonder over what God has done in my life and where he has brought me.  I know I have mentioned so many times how God has changed my life, but if you could see how my life used to be and compared to what it is now…it is more than amazing to me.  But that’s another story…

So…while I am still very much missing some people and would be so thrilled to be able to see them…I also could not be happier than I am right now.  I think that the grieving process is normal, and a part of any life change this big.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with the emotions I have been feeling.   I think I have shared a little before that I have struggled with this idea in my mind that if I had a good enough relationship with God then I wouldn’t have “negative” emotions…only good ones.  I am learning from this to drop even more of my religious ideas (that I don’t’ even realize are there most of the time) that if I’m doing this “Christian thing” right…I won’t feel sad or down or lonely or have that awful ache in my heart. 

Life is an amazing adventure as long as you are breathing…I had this same view of life before I moved halfway across the globe.  I am so thankful that I get to experience this adventure with the joy that only God can provide…and I am thankful that he is there to comfort me when my heart hurts.  I am thankful that he is helping me to let go of the things that have gotten in the way of me having a deeper relationship with him.  :)

Changes...

I’m sitting here tonight listening to some music and basically kind of relaxing and a song on my playlist brought me back to the mission trip I went on in June of this year.  Suddenly I became very emotional…remembering that trip and the profoundly life changing things that came from it.  Most profound: God showed me some things that changed the way that I look at myself and gave me a new confidence in him. 

I am remembering some of the people I met and prayed with, one girl in particular, and my heart is touched.  I am remembering how moved I was by meeting this one young girl and praying with her regarding the situation she is in right now…a situation I walked through at her age.  But, that’s not really the point of this…

I remember a conversation that I had with Lezley (who was leading the trip along with her husband John) the night I prayed with this young girl…and towards the end of the conversation I told her how I felt like my life was on the verge of some huge changes…I told her I felt like I would be moving, but I didn’t know where.  I think I may have said that it felt like it would be a big move, like maybe to another state or something (haha).  I told her that I felt like I was standing at the edge of this huge cliff and God was telling me to jump and I was so ready to jump even though I had no clue what was waiting when I landed…or rather when he caught me :)

I just made the comment last night that music is powerful – and here it is.  This one song – which, by the way, is a song that I heard for the first time in John and Lezley’s van during the trip – took me back to that trip and all these memories began replaying and reminded me about that excitement I had about the mysterious changes I felt were coming.  And now here I am…not in another state, but another country – thousands of miles away; some of those changes no longer a mystery :)

God is still changing my life in some huge ways (I still feel some big changes coming...and they are still a mystery) but just here lately I have had some sadness over some things – and God is using this experience tonight to remind me of how suddenly and surprisingly he can make a thing happen…when I am following his plan for my life.  Here is one promise I can stand on forever…as long as I am following him and seeking *his* plan for my life…I will have no shortage of joy!  :)   What an amazing few months this has been…simply amazing. 

Grieving...

I am being reminded today that grieving is a process.  That even if years have passed, and you are usually “ok” (better than ok…great…amazing!) something can happen and trigger that thing deep inside you...  Every time this happens for me, I come out of it with more healing than I previously had…but I wonder (just me being honest) if there aren’t some things that will always carry a certain amount of pain with it?  Like…if you lose a child …will there ever be a time when there is no more pain attached to that?

I believe God is capable of anything…all things…and I believe (know…not believe…know) that he is in the business of restoring and repairing anyone who is broken (which is all of us in one way or another).  Even on days like this where my heart just feels sad and I cry easily, I am thankful beyond words for the way he has transformed my life and made me into a new person.

Part of my problem in this area is I don’t want to sit with this feeling, I want to do other things.  I want to be happy so I push away feelings that make me sad…and I am (just recently) having this learning experience where I really feel that God is showing me that sometimes…you just need to experience these feelings and allow him to comfort you.  As much as I don’t want to experience sad feelings – they are real…and the more I push them away, the longer it will take to receive complete healing in that area. 

I have also struggled with the feeling that…if I really trust God…I won’t be sad about things that have happened in the past.  But…I am seeing that more and more for the lie that it is.  Really…that’s just me wanting to have a really good “christian” reason for not feeling difficult feelings.  Now…I don’t believe that God created me to be sad – I believe that he created me to have a joyful life and a fulfilling relationship with him, but I also don’t believe that God wants me to just pretend that certain feelings don’t exist…which is what I’ve had a lot of practice doing…and I still have to overcome. 

So I am reminding myself today that even if my eyes are puffy from crying, I am thankful.  I am thankful for so many things that I can’t list them all here.  God is amazing.

Relationships...

I have been a bit down the last few days.  I miss my friends:  going to movies with them and sharing popcorn…going to the same restaurant every Sunday after church…and group texts that get out of control way too fast (60 text notifications…sound familiar?)  As much as I miss all those things – what I am missing the most right now are the relationships I shared with a couple of people who know me so well that they could tell if something wasn’t “right” even through a text where I say everything is fine. 

I miss having someone, close by, who has known me so long that I don’t even have to say what’s on my mind really – and she knows what’s going on.  And God has been talking to me about that.  I have spent years – almost half of my life – building relationships with these people…and they are typically the ones that I turn to when anything is not going right.  They are the first ones that I think about when something exciting and wonderful happens.  They have supported me and stood next to me during some very dark times in my life with love and truthfulness (which sometimes felt like the opposite of love to me)  :)

 So when I miss that connection that I have with them…and to be fair we still have the connection…but we can’t talk like we used to... God reminds me that he is here and I can come to him with those things that I want to take to them.  What I want is the comfort of those bonds and the trust that I have built in those relationships.  What God wants is for me to come to him and receive the comfort that he has for me.  But it’s hard.  I don’t fully understand why it’s so hard but it is. 

My prayer lately has been for me to desire to spend time with him…because I don’t really that much.  I get busy with…life…and then it’s late.  It’s bed time and I still have stuff I needed/wanted to do and didn’t and another day is gone.  I keep having these thoughts about how I have spent years and years growing my relationship with some people and how my desire to spend time with them is great…  and then I think about my desire to spend time with him…and how not-great it is. 

But…if I compare it with what it used to be…well, I cannot think of words (which is astounding I know) to describe the increase.  I have only been friends with Jesus for about 6 years now…  and thinking about that…it fills me with  joy and excitement to see what my desire for him will be like in coming years!! 

I know that missing my friends is part of this journey that God is taking me on.  As happy as I am to be where he has me…the friends I have spent so much time with aren’t here and it’s normal to be missing them some.  But I know that another part of this journey is learning to lean into him and see him more and more as my father, who will provide all my needs, no matter what.  And while parts of learning to trust him more are difficult…the end result will be amazing!

I am forever thankful for the relationship that I have with Jesus and for the amazing people (there are too many to name) that he has brought into my life.