A wrong turn...

Today I had a pretty incredible experience...  I took a wrong turn while I was driving!!!  :)  I know...it doesn't sound *that* incredible.  But let me tell you what made this such an awesome experience...

I was actually in the process of having a conversation with God (I like to talk to Him out loud while I'm driving sometimes) about hearing Him, about how I really want to listen for Him and hear, clearly, what He is saying to me.  I was headed to a place that I needed GPS for so I just used the map on my phone and I had it set so that it would tell me, out loud, when to turn, how far to travel, etc.  

So I was just driving and talking, and I took an exit to switch from one interstate to another.  My GPS didn't tell me to do this...I was just distracted and in the back of my mind I thought this was the direction I needed to go.  Well... almost as soon as I took this exit - it hit me - this is the wrong way!!! But there was nothing I could do...except follow this interstate and take the first available exit, turn around and get back on the correct interstate, all the while listening to my phone tell me to turn around and go back to the route.  This little detour added 7 minutes onto what was approximately a 20 minute drive.  To me...that is notable because it was a pretty small detour in terms of miles, but... that's 1/3 of the original travel time.  That's a long delay for such a small mistake...but then that could open up a whole other blog post...

So back to my travels...I get back on the correct path and I am having this mind blowing revelation about what just happened and how it correlates to the conversation I was having with God... at the moment it happened!  I see this parallel in my mind of how this is similar to listening for God, following His lead towards point A, and then staying on that course until I reach point A...but somewhere along this course God gave new directions...I was supposed to take a left and redirect to point B...but at the beginning I heard God and He said point A...so I'm headed to point A.  I heard Him, I did...He said point A...but that was to get me headed in the right direction...He was still talking to me and I missed it while I was so focused on following Him to that original destination.  

This is still sort of rolling around in my mind right now; I'm seeing more and more layers of it.  How this has played out in my life at times...and how I have (on occasion) been so confused thinking..."but I heard God!" and feeling like I'd made some mistake...maybe I didn't really hear God...maybe I'm crazy.   But I did hear God, I just set my eye on that first destination and didn't quite hear when God course-corrected.  And here's one more thing...even in my failure to hear his redirection...my heart's true desire was to follow him!  I was actively trying to follow him...yet may end up feeling like I missed it altogether. 

One more thing...I also want to make sure that when I am hearing God...it's really Him and not me.  Because I think sometimes when I get that first set of coordinates (if only it was that set in stone lol)..and I start going...later when I go back to Him and ask if I should continue - I am so set on the direction I've been heading that when I hear "continue" its really coming from me...not from God.  And then...I may end up wondering if I ever really got that from God at all...or was it me all along?? 

Hearing from God...and knowing that it's Him... is all about relationship.  I guess it's sort of like any friendship...the more time you spend talking to a person, the more you know them.  You know how, with a close friend (someone you know really well)...if someone came to you and told you they said something - but it was totally out of character for that person - you would immediately know it?   I feel it's the same way with God.  Now... I'm definitely still learning and growing in this...and I have  lot of room for improvement, but it's something that I am trying to cultivate because it is so important to me to follow His plan for my life.

I love how God seeks to communicate with us...we only need to listen and cultivate that relationship... because that's so easy right?  Part of my reason for sharing this, is that I struggle to properly care for and cultivate my relationship with God.  I'll be honest, it's easy for time to fly by and I haven't opened my Bible or really dedicated any of my time to God...and I feel bad about that.  I struggle with guilt over it...but I am trying to do better.  

AI believe that what God wants...is my willing heart...and He has it :) 

It's not fair...

Tonight, during worship at church, I started talking to God about an issue I'm facing. I've been asking Him what action to take about a specific issue...and I hadn't gotten an answer yet.  So I sat down...and asked "what do you want me to do" 

Mostly God talks to me through pictures.  Tonight was no different, and I didn't like the picture I saw.  I had a very specific idea of how I wanted God to answer me... ever been there?  Asking for an answer...but you've already got the answer that you desire packaged up...and nothing else will really do?  At least it feels like nothing else will do...

The truth is..my heart is His...and He knows it.  I am not perfect, by any means.  I am human and that very fact means that I am given to error, but my heart is His and He knows I will follow (eventually).  So I told God...I don't like this...I don't want to do this...but... I will do whatever you want me to do - no matter how much I don't want to.  But God...I need your help.

Then I started feeling all these emotions... I sat there, crying, telling God I was angry at Him.  Angry because I feel that what He is asking me to do isn't fair.  It's NOT FAIR!  Seriously...I felt like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.  My body was shaking with the anger that was so alive in me...and I told God I felt He was betraying me...throwing my hurt and pain away and turning His back on me when clearly He should be taking my side in this!

And then God told me "it's not about fair...it's about relationship" 

Guys - tonight...I almost audibly heard the words God was speaking to me.  I have never before experienced such a tangible clarity in hearing from God...and I think it's because He knew that I wouldn't hear Him on this any other way.  My faith for what He was saying...wasn't there.  My expectation was so set on that nice little answer I had gift-wrapped (ya know, so He could hand it to me all nice and pretty and painless?) that I needed that kind of clarity.

 While I was explaining to Him how unfair this was (clearly...it is unfair in the natural...even He didn't argue with me on that point) He said several things.  I want to share some of our conversation
I told him "It's not fair! You should be angry on my behalf.  I have a right to be angry!"
He said to me "It's not about fair...it's about relationship.  I am about relationship...not tearing apart"
I told him "this is going to end in me being hurt... again"
He said to me "I am not doing this to hurt you.  I wouldn't have you be hurt again"
I told him "This is not fair!!!"  (In case He didn't hear me maybe...)
He said to me "Do you trust me"
and I said... "No"

There's the truth of it.  In this particular situation...I don't trust God to have my back, to protect me, to bring beauty from ashes, to turn darkness to light...all those things He does on a daily basis.  But along with that lack of trust (which is rooted in a lie somewhere) I also have the knowledge and awareness that I CAN trust God, that He always cares about me.  See, I know that lack of trust is rooted in a lie because it goes against what I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD.  

So...here's to walking it out... to following His plan not mine... to speaking His words when mine sound better to me... to resting in His peace when there is chaos all around... to doing something that goes against every logical thought in my mind.  His way is better, I have to trust that.  His way brings redemption and healing and love and...every good and perfect thing there is. 

So God...I will do what you want me to do, even though I don't want to, I just need your help. 

Here it is...

Here it is again...the end.

The end of a set period of time.  Teaching has measured out my life in a way that I never experienced when I was working in an office.  The end of school is sort of like the end of the year...it leaves me in a state of reflection before the beginning of something new.

There are all these thoughts running through my mind about where I was at the beginning of the school year compared to where I am now.  Thinking of all the changes that have taken place in my life, my heart, and my mind over the past 10 months along with the memories and experiences that I have gained in that time.  .

Sometimes it can begin to seem like I'm just living life and nothing much is happening...days run together into weeks and then months...and then almost an entire year has passed.  As the days run together into a lifetime, some moments stand out. You know those moments that feel life-changing?  Sometimes you see it as it's happening, sometimes you see it when you look back...but they are always there.

Those moments can feel sudden, like something just clicked into place all at once...but in reality there have been all these smaller moments, going unnoticed, that have led, step-by-step to that very noticeable life-altering moment. 

It can seem as if something comes from nothing...all in that moment.  But that's not really what's going on.  Right now, I feel as if several things are falling into place in my life in areas where I have had quite a bit of uncertainty, and as those things "fall into place" - with what seems like effortless grace - it can feel as if I have struggled through all this uncertainty and now suddenly it's just clicking. 

But during the uncertainty and the shifting, during the transformation that was happening so slowly that I didn't even see it... there were moments where I made choices.  I made a choice to go one direction instead of another, I made a choice to follow where I believed God was leading me instead of where I may have wanted to go, I made a choice to leave behind things that were comfortable and known in favor of following the path that I believe God is leading me on.

It's in those moments that the shift begins...it's in those moments of decision and choice that the life-altering moments (those ones that happen so suddenly, ya know?) are born.  Those life-changing moments really begin in the middle of the days where it seems as if life is just slowly passing by and maybe I'm not doing much.  Because really I'm doing a lot, even though it seems that I'm not doing much...I'm listening for God and I'm following His lead - and that's just about the biggest thing I can do.

So...here's to life-changing moments and a future that has been totally planned out by my loving Father!!!

eternity in my heart...

Tonight I opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes and started reading at chapter 2.  I stopped at Ecclesiastes 3:11 - "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."


I have read the "He has made all things beautiful in it's time" part many times, in many places - I even used to have a little decorative plate with that on it.  A friend gave it to me and I was sad to part with it when I came to Tanzania.  I have referred to that portion of this verse many times in the past several years.  God has truly transformed some ugly things in my life into beautiful things, and I am so thankful!


That second part though... I've read it before, but tonight it's blowing my mind.  "He has planted eternity in the human heart"  that means He has planted eternity in my heart.  And what, exactly, does that mean?  In my mind, at this moment, it means that he has put everything in my heart.  Everything that I need to know, everything that I need to know him... everything that I need to walk out His plan for my life.  He has put everything from beginning to end...in my heart.  That's huge!  That is crazy...

Then the last of it... "but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end"  that part... God has all these amazing plans... for my life, for your life, for my neighbors life, for the lives of the precious children that I teach at school, for the lives of those two little babies that I held this Sunday at church; but no matter how hard I try I will never understand or be able to see any more than just a tiny glimpse of any of it.

I told someone tonight "I just wish I could see the future right now".  Many times it seems as if life would be so much easier if I could just see what will happen next week, next month, next year!  But we all know that's not how it works.

I am so thankful that God knows what my future holds.  I am thankful that He has a very detailed plan for all of my tomorrows, and all I have to do is hold His hand and follow His lead.  I am beyond thankful that He has created so much beauty in my life and continues to create more.  He has planted eternity in my heart... now I want to figure out how to properly tend it.  How can I best grab hold of what has been placed in my heart and use that to bring my life into greater alignment with the plans that my Father has for my life?

Relationships...

I have been a bit down the last few days.  I miss my friends:  going to movies with them and sharing popcorn…going to the same restaurant every Sunday after church…and group texts that get out of control way too fast (60 text notifications…sound familiar?)  As much as I miss all those things – what I am missing the most right now are the relationships I shared with a couple of people who know me so well that they could tell if something wasn’t “right” even through a text where I say everything is fine. 

I miss having someone, close by, who has known me so long that I don’t even have to say what’s on my mind really – and she knows what’s going on.  And God has been talking to me about that.  I have spent years – almost half of my life – building relationships with these people…and they are typically the ones that I turn to when anything is not going right.  They are the first ones that I think about when something exciting and wonderful happens.  They have supported me and stood next to me during some very dark times in my life with love and truthfulness (which sometimes felt like the opposite of love to me)  :)

 So when I miss that connection that I have with them…and to be fair we still have the connection…but we can’t talk like we used to... God reminds me that he is here and I can come to him with those things that I want to take to them.  What I want is the comfort of those bonds and the trust that I have built in those relationships.  What God wants is for me to come to him and receive the comfort that he has for me.  But it’s hard.  I don’t fully understand why it’s so hard but it is. 

My prayer lately has been for me to desire to spend time with him…because I don’t really that much.  I get busy with…life…and then it’s late.  It’s bed time and I still have stuff I needed/wanted to do and didn’t and another day is gone.  I keep having these thoughts about how I have spent years and years growing my relationship with some people and how my desire to spend time with them is great…  and then I think about my desire to spend time with him…and how not-great it is. 

But…if I compare it with what it used to be…well, I cannot think of words (which is astounding I know) to describe the increase.  I have only been friends with Jesus for about 6 years now…  and thinking about that…it fills me with  joy and excitement to see what my desire for him will be like in coming years!! 

I know that missing my friends is part of this journey that God is taking me on.  As happy as I am to be where he has me…the friends I have spent so much time with aren’t here and it’s normal to be missing them some.  But I know that another part of this journey is learning to lean into him and see him more and more as my father, who will provide all my needs, no matter what.  And while parts of learning to trust him more are difficult…the end result will be amazing!

I am forever thankful for the relationship that I have with Jesus and for the amazing people (there are too many to name) that he has brought into my life. 

Change...

This may be a weird post…just to give you a heads up.  I’ve never really discussed it with people, but I assume we all know what it’s like to be comforted by a smell…or the opposite.  So…I’ll assume that this won’t seem toooo crazy…  and if it does…then you probably know me well enough to just look past that :)  

Sometimes the weirdest things make me emotional…last night I was getting into bed to finally go to sleep (ok…it was actually this morning around 4 am) and when I inhaled…the smell of my pillows and sheets was familiar and comforting.  That was the first time this has happened since moving…and it made me cry. 

You know how, when you sleep in a hotel or in an unfamiliar place, the bed just doesn’t smell like yours (or feel like yours) and you notice it?  Well I notice a lot…but where I lay my head at night has always been a sensitive issue for me.  I do not (in all caps) like to sleep in any bed but my own and I typically have a very difficult time sleeping in a new place.   God has definitely helped me in that area during this transition…but for the first 2-3 weeks I would get into bed and my first thought would be that this didn’t smell like my bed.  The couple of weeks after that I guess I kind of forgot about that…as I got used to this new bed…but last night was the first time that this smelled like “my bed” and it brought some emotions up.

I haven’t really felt “homesick” through all this…maybe it’s coming but just hasn’t reached me yet.  I don’t know.  I have missed specific people…I have looked forward to talking to them…well – I guess if I think back to the time that I didn’t have internet and was unable to communicate with the ones I am closest to back home…that was difficult at times and I did have some sadness towards the end of those two weeks.  But something happened when I realized that my bed smelled like “home” – all the sudden I was overcome with emotion and I started crying.  Why? 

I don’t know, I don’t understand it.  I wish I could understand all the wonderful (and sometimes terrifying) things that our brains do…and why things make me feel the way they do.  All I know is I suddenly felt almost…guilty…that I haven’t missed home more.  It was weird.  But there was also an excitement with it…and a joy!  Because even though this has felt like home from the start, it is really beginning to be home in those small ways that only the subconscious really notices.  Like in the fact that my bed smells like…my bed.  I would like to add a disclaimer here…it’s not because my sheets aren’t washed.  We have a house mama, her name is Flora and she is amazing and so sweet and she washes my sheets every Monday. :)

And…like everything else…it has my mind thinking of deeper things.  (I’m just a super-duper deep person ya know)  Like how life changes all around us and sometimes we don’t even notice until all the small changes add up into a big life altering change…and how that can happen in good ways or bad.  I have lately (in the past year) experienced several of those “moments” where I look around and realize that all these little changes…mostly ones that I was consciously trying to make…have resulted in a big change.  That feeling of being at the edge of something big…and knowing that my life is changing forever and I am being a part of making that happen...instead of just watching it happen.  That is a good feeling, and I can think of at least three times over the past year that I have had that feeling…and I could see my life changing like a tapestry being woven and the pattern being altered in the middle. 

Then there is another feeling, just as amazing…but the feeling of a huge change coming that you know God is bringing…but you don’t know what it is…you just know that you are walking with God and as a result of having given him your life…you will partner with him in whatever change is coming your way.  I have felt that one twice over the past year…and the last one brought me here to where I am sitting now…in a living room in Tanzania.  With the windows open and a fan going, and a cup of tea with milk (which I love now…that’s a small change) hearing all the outside sounds and feeling the breeze getting cooler with every passing hour. 

I am so thankful in this moment for all the changes…big and small…that have brought my life forward out of some very dark places.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to partner with my father in heaven and make decisions about my life…thankful that I know I can rely on him for all my needs, even the ones I don’t know about.  I am just so very thankful for the life that I have and the chance to be living life right now!  I think, sometimes, that because of the darkness that used to envelope my life…the light seems so much brighter.   Life is definitely bright…and I’m loving it!!! 
 

And all this started with my sheets smelling like home :)  love how the brain works ;)