No makeup...

I was getting ready for church this past Wednesday, and as I prepared to put on makeup I had this feeling sort of like "I don't think I'll wear makeup tonight".  I sat there for a moment wondering why I didn't feel like putting on makeup... it's not like it takes that long.  So I started again to get things ready (I like to lay everything out so I can don't have to dig for it) and had a stronger feeling - I am not wearing makeup tonight.  So I asked God... is this from you?  It was.  I wondered..."why doesn't God want me to wear makeup tonight?  That's weird..."  But... I didn't wear makeup.

I was in a great mood that day because I had been really talking with God about some things and I had just that afternoon decided to set aside the next three days for praying about when to return to Tanzania...and what to do with the time in between now and then.  In a moment of pure passion... I told God (out loud for that matter) "God...I want to be willing to give up everything to follow you!  Help me to be willing to let go of anything and everything and to go wherever you lead me!"  (I added exclamations because I felt really excited when I said it).  For the record...I was sort of thinking about like... stuff.  Like... belongings mostly.  Or even asking God to open my heart to wherever it is that He wants me.  My mind was going in that direction when I said this.
So I happily drove to church, with no makeup... and I excitedly told a friend that I felt like big things were coming... exciting things.  Then worship started... I was singing along... the second song started... I was praying and talking to God... and He showed me a picture I have seen countless times.  The picture is me and these kids, who are all around me, and we are all smiling and so joyful.  He first showed me this picture in 2013 when I was in Cambodia for the second time and when He showed me, He told me I would work in a children's home one day.  Of course I was happy about that, everybody knows how much I love children.

So... God showed me that picture and He asked "What if being the best mom possible to these kids, means not having children of your own?  Would you be willing?"
I was shocked... I hadn't even been thinking about anything like that.  My reply was "That's not fair."
His reply was "Is it fair to them (the kids in the picture) to not have a good mom?"

Well...

I have several reasons, 5 to be exact, why I feel that question is so colossally unfair... but we won't get into that...  God doesn't deal in "fair"... I can't tell you how many times, growing up, my father said to me "life isn't fair".  It used to make me so angry, because life should be fair... but he was definitely right... life is so unfair.  Bad things, horrible things, happen all around the world every day... and that's not fair.  It's not fair that any child should not have a loving mother... and it's not fair that any mother should not have a child to love.  So many unfair things happen... that's the way it is.

While God doesn't deal in "fair", He does deal in justice, He also deals in redemption and blessing.  God made a promise to me about 4 years ago.  I was sitting outside, reading my Bible, and I started talking to Him about how much I want to have a family.  I looked out towards the field behind the house, and there was this lone tree along the fence, and it was just starting to bud.  God told me "you will have more children than there are leaves on that tree."  In that moment, I felt upset, because - if I'm gonna have that many kids... obviously they won't be biological.  I had to repent for rejecting that promise.  As the year went on, I watched the buds on that tree form leaves.  So many leaves.  I looked at that tree everyday and it really became a reminder of that promise.  Side note: I haven't seen that tree since I left the US for Tanzania, but 18 days ago God showed me some earrings that remind me of that tree and His promise.  He told me to buy them and every time I wear them I am reminded of all those leaves.

I have wanted to be a mother since I was little.  I still remember saying, when I was 5 or 6 years old, that I wanted to have 20 babies... all at one time.  I sang to my baby dolls and carried them everywhere... and eventually decided on a more conservative goal for my family size.  When God asked me if I would be willing to give up the dream of having my own children if it meant being the best mom possible to the kids in that picture... I told Him yes... and then I cried... for the rest of the night.

Today I cried some more, let's be real... I'm crying right now.  This hurts.  A lot.  I know it's not like God has told me I will never have biological children, He hasn't said for sure that won't happen...but He is asking me to be willing.  It hurts to let go of something that I have dreamed of for so long.  To somehow reconcile my heart with a real possibility that God may ask me to choose not to fulfill that desire, even if He does bring me a husband.  It hurts... and it's ok that it hurts.

This morning as I was getting ready for church, I happened to look down at my hand and saw something I have never seen before, it was beautiful and confusing.  The back of my hand had all these bright, white lights shining out of it, like the brightest pin-pricks of light actually shining out of my actual hand.  Then my mind told me what it was; the tears in my eyes had caught the light and it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to appear as if they were shining.

God told me... "it works the same in the spirit too"  Just like my tears altered my vision and, in that moment, I saw my hand in a way I've never seen it before... my brokenness can help me see things differently as well.  I am not sure what all God is going to be teaching me through this... I can't even guess at how this will play out and how it will change me as I walk through it...but I can trust that it will be good.  Because God is good... His plan for me is good and when I surrender my life to Him - His plans for me can more easily come to pass.  And I can bank on the fact that His plans for me will bring me more joy than anything I could ever plan or dream up.  But it still hurts.


Oh and the makeup thing... you know crying and mascara really don't go together.  It's just not a good look.  Thanks for the heads up, God.  

Here is my disclaimer... I didn't want to share this.  I wanted to play a game on my computer or watch a movie... and not think about all the unknown in my life right now, but God kept talking to me about making a blog post.  So... here it is.  This whole thing is very personal to me (obviously) and it's a bit difficult to share it like this.  I just felt like I needed to say that.  

    

Transformation...

If you can't tell from reading my blog...I have a lot of words in me.  One way they come out is writing here...but that's only when God drops something on me that He wants me to share... another way those words get out is talking (I do love to talk y'all), journaling also provides a perfect outlet for processing of words.

I have done a lot of processing through writing over the years.  I've also done a lot of changing, a lot!  That has been on my mind a bit lately.  I ask God for a word for each year, sort of an alternative to the new years resolution thing.  My word for 2016 is Transformation and  when God gave me that word He told me that this would be a year for deeper healing.  Man...am I seeing that!  I literally feel that I am at the finish line with some things.  I feel I am getting deeper levels of healing and wholeness.

But here's the thing about healing...it hurts - which makes sense when you consider the fact that healing is only necessary when there is a wound.  It's not easy.  It's hard work.  Personally, I believe that healing is a long-term commitment and I applaud each and every person that chooses to walk down this difficult path. This is a long intro because...what I'm going to write about could be a little offensive.  Maybe it's still a little offensive to me. Well...if I'm honest - and I am...very honest - it is offensive to me.  But...here we go.

In order to heal - I have to be willing to let go of the identity that I had from being a victim.

This is a huge part of the struggle...it has been for me anyway.  I have struggled with this idea because..well...I guess because it feels so unfair that I should have to work so hard to undo something that was done to me.  But maybe even that statement walks the line of victim mentality.  But let's just be really real for a moment... it's not fair.  It will never be fair that the victim is left to pick up the pieces and put their life back together.  It sucks.  End of story. 

But...the truth is this - regardless of who hurt me, regardless of how they hurt me, regardless of how old I was when they hurt me... only *I* can choose to pick myself up and change my life.  And that is HARD TO DO!  No, it's not fair...but the way I see it, I only have two options: 1) I can stay in my suffering and anger, wall the world off to protect myself and remain miserable or 2) I can choose to believe that I can create a better future for myself by working towards healing.

It has been a long journey.  I was relatively young  when I came to the realization that the only way my life would get better was if I worked hard to change some things.  Even at a young age I knew that I did not want to continue the behaviors I had grown up with; I wanted to provide a better life for my own children, and I knew that in order to do that...I would need to work on myself. Even with that realization and a strong desire to not see the same patterns continue in my life...I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to give up... the number of times I have gotten so angry and wanted to just sort of throw a temper tantrum...because it's not fair. 

It took me a long time to see that I was living as a victim.  And when I started realizing that...I became angry all over again.  I had done so much work towards healing in my life and then realized that in order to make more progress...I had to basically let go of the identity that I had become accustomed to.  I had to let go of the idea that someone, somewhere owed me something in return for my suffering.  I had to walk away from my anger and desire for retribution...and embrace forgiveness.  I had to turn my thoughts away from an expectation to be disappointed and hurt...and instead...learn to look for and expect good things.  And that made me so angry.

I had grown so accustomed to my anger and to the "I don't care" mask that I had been wearing for pretty much my entire life...that letting go of it was extremely uncomfortable.  But I kept going...I kept walking and making an effort (not always my best effort but an effort all the same) to be different.  So with all of that...and this long path I've been walking down...with all the transformation and change that has taken place in my life...  Let's go back to my talk of journaling...

One week ago, I was writing in my journal...and God let me know that I am still identifying as a victim in some areas (insert surprised face).  So here I am...well over a decade into working to change my life, almost a decade since I became friends with Jesus...and still I have areas where I identify as a victim!  That's crazy to me!!  I used to think there would come this day when I would be *poof* healed and no longer have any issues, never be unhappy, skipping through a field of flowers...a huge smile on my face that will never again waver or fall... 

At least I can laugh about it now.  Because now I see that this transformation is step by step...and it's ok that it's not all at once...in fact I think there is a value in the long-term.  I'm not walking this path to healing for 30 days then passing through the door to a new life...where I can forget the struggle and skip around and enjoy my new life - leaving all the ugliness on the other side of that door.  No...this is a commitment...it's my life.  The value in that long-term walk is that I don't lose who I used to be in the transformation, and that I gain a relationship with the one who is healing me.

At one point in my life, I saw no value in the experiences of my past...I honestly wanted to wipe all of those memories from my life and begin a new life where I could pretend that none of those things happened.  That I was never that person...but... I was that person.  No amount of healing or change can remove the past.  And here is the value in that... There is power in the things that God has done in my life.  God saved me...He brought me out of dark places.  He came to me when I was at my lowest and He loved me even when I hated Him.  I'm getting into another subject now...but there is value in the relationship that I now have with God who is The Healer. 

So...I will remain committed to walking this path...to letting go of my identity as a victim...to surrendering my right to retribution.  I choose forgiveness over retaliation.  I choose to focus on the beauty and joy in this life and not on darkness and hopelessness. 

Man I could write so much more here...I think I could write about this for hours (and I have) but I want to add one last thing.  More than anything I don't want to make it sound like it's easy to forgive or to let go of the victim identity...it's not.  Well, if you tell me it was easy for you I won't argue...that's your experience, but for me it's been agonizing...painful.  My life is so transformed.  I have been on my knees sobbing with the pain of it at times... I don't ever want to make someone feel like I'm saying "just get better...just don't feel sorry for yourself...just get over it" (ever heard those words? I sure have).  My desire is to encourage. 
I guess if I don't end this here...I may never end it so.....

It's not fair...

Tonight, during worship at church, I started talking to God about an issue I'm facing. I've been asking Him what action to take about a specific issue...and I hadn't gotten an answer yet.  So I sat down...and asked "what do you want me to do" 

Mostly God talks to me through pictures.  Tonight was no different, and I didn't like the picture I saw.  I had a very specific idea of how I wanted God to answer me... ever been there?  Asking for an answer...but you've already got the answer that you desire packaged up...and nothing else will really do?  At least it feels like nothing else will do...

The truth is..my heart is His...and He knows it.  I am not perfect, by any means.  I am human and that very fact means that I am given to error, but my heart is His and He knows I will follow (eventually).  So I told God...I don't like this...I don't want to do this...but... I will do whatever you want me to do - no matter how much I don't want to.  But God...I need your help.

Then I started feeling all these emotions... I sat there, crying, telling God I was angry at Him.  Angry because I feel that what He is asking me to do isn't fair.  It's NOT FAIR!  Seriously...I felt like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.  My body was shaking with the anger that was so alive in me...and I told God I felt He was betraying me...throwing my hurt and pain away and turning His back on me when clearly He should be taking my side in this!

And then God told me "it's not about fair...it's about relationship" 

Guys - tonight...I almost audibly heard the words God was speaking to me.  I have never before experienced such a tangible clarity in hearing from God...and I think it's because He knew that I wouldn't hear Him on this any other way.  My faith for what He was saying...wasn't there.  My expectation was so set on that nice little answer I had gift-wrapped (ya know, so He could hand it to me all nice and pretty and painless?) that I needed that kind of clarity.

 While I was explaining to Him how unfair this was (clearly...it is unfair in the natural...even He didn't argue with me on that point) He said several things.  I want to share some of our conversation
I told him "It's not fair! You should be angry on my behalf.  I have a right to be angry!"
He said to me "It's not about fair...it's about relationship.  I am about relationship...not tearing apart"
I told him "this is going to end in me being hurt... again"
He said to me "I am not doing this to hurt you.  I wouldn't have you be hurt again"
I told him "This is not fair!!!"  (In case He didn't hear me maybe...)
He said to me "Do you trust me"
and I said... "No"

There's the truth of it.  In this particular situation...I don't trust God to have my back, to protect me, to bring beauty from ashes, to turn darkness to light...all those things He does on a daily basis.  But along with that lack of trust (which is rooted in a lie somewhere) I also have the knowledge and awareness that I CAN trust God, that He always cares about me.  See, I know that lack of trust is rooted in a lie because it goes against what I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD.  

So...here's to walking it out... to following His plan not mine... to speaking His words when mine sound better to me... to resting in His peace when there is chaos all around... to doing something that goes against every logical thought in my mind.  His way is better, I have to trust that.  His way brings redemption and healing and love and...every good and perfect thing there is. 

So God...I will do what you want me to do, even though I don't want to, I just need your help.