No makeup...

I was getting ready for church this past Wednesday, and as I prepared to put on makeup I had this feeling sort of like "I don't think I'll wear makeup tonight".  I sat there for a moment wondering why I didn't feel like putting on makeup... it's not like it takes that long.  So I started again to get things ready (I like to lay everything out so I can don't have to dig for it) and had a stronger feeling - I am not wearing makeup tonight.  So I asked God... is this from you?  It was.  I wondered..."why doesn't God want me to wear makeup tonight?  That's weird..."  But... I didn't wear makeup.

I was in a great mood that day because I had been really talking with God about some things and I had just that afternoon decided to set aside the next three days for praying about when to return to Tanzania...and what to do with the time in between now and then.  In a moment of pure passion... I told God (out loud for that matter) "God...I want to be willing to give up everything to follow you!  Help me to be willing to let go of anything and everything and to go wherever you lead me!"  (I added exclamations because I felt really excited when I said it).  For the record...I was sort of thinking about like... stuff.  Like... belongings mostly.  Or even asking God to open my heart to wherever it is that He wants me.  My mind was going in that direction when I said this.
So I happily drove to church, with no makeup... and I excitedly told a friend that I felt like big things were coming... exciting things.  Then worship started... I was singing along... the second song started... I was praying and talking to God... and He showed me a picture I have seen countless times.  The picture is me and these kids, who are all around me, and we are all smiling and so joyful.  He first showed me this picture in 2013 when I was in Cambodia for the second time and when He showed me, He told me I would work in a children's home one day.  Of course I was happy about that, everybody knows how much I love children.

So... God showed me that picture and He asked "What if being the best mom possible to these kids, means not having children of your own?  Would you be willing?"
I was shocked... I hadn't even been thinking about anything like that.  My reply was "That's not fair."
His reply was "Is it fair to them (the kids in the picture) to not have a good mom?"

Well...

I have several reasons, 5 to be exact, why I feel that question is so colossally unfair... but we won't get into that...  God doesn't deal in "fair"... I can't tell you how many times, growing up, my father said to me "life isn't fair".  It used to make me so angry, because life should be fair... but he was definitely right... life is so unfair.  Bad things, horrible things, happen all around the world every day... and that's not fair.  It's not fair that any child should not have a loving mother... and it's not fair that any mother should not have a child to love.  So many unfair things happen... that's the way it is.

While God doesn't deal in "fair", He does deal in justice, He also deals in redemption and blessing.  God made a promise to me about 4 years ago.  I was sitting outside, reading my Bible, and I started talking to Him about how much I want to have a family.  I looked out towards the field behind the house, and there was this lone tree along the fence, and it was just starting to bud.  God told me "you will have more children than there are leaves on that tree."  In that moment, I felt upset, because - if I'm gonna have that many kids... obviously they won't be biological.  I had to repent for rejecting that promise.  As the year went on, I watched the buds on that tree form leaves.  So many leaves.  I looked at that tree everyday and it really became a reminder of that promise.  Side note: I haven't seen that tree since I left the US for Tanzania, but 18 days ago God showed me some earrings that remind me of that tree and His promise.  He told me to buy them and every time I wear them I am reminded of all those leaves.

I have wanted to be a mother since I was little.  I still remember saying, when I was 5 or 6 years old, that I wanted to have 20 babies... all at one time.  I sang to my baby dolls and carried them everywhere... and eventually decided on a more conservative goal for my family size.  When God asked me if I would be willing to give up the dream of having my own children if it meant being the best mom possible to the kids in that picture... I told Him yes... and then I cried... for the rest of the night.

Today I cried some more, let's be real... I'm crying right now.  This hurts.  A lot.  I know it's not like God has told me I will never have biological children, He hasn't said for sure that won't happen...but He is asking me to be willing.  It hurts to let go of something that I have dreamed of for so long.  To somehow reconcile my heart with a real possibility that God may ask me to choose not to fulfill that desire, even if He does bring me a husband.  It hurts... and it's ok that it hurts.

This morning as I was getting ready for church, I happened to look down at my hand and saw something I have never seen before, it was beautiful and confusing.  The back of my hand had all these bright, white lights shining out of it, like the brightest pin-pricks of light actually shining out of my actual hand.  Then my mind told me what it was; the tears in my eyes had caught the light and it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to appear as if they were shining.

God told me... "it works the same in the spirit too"  Just like my tears altered my vision and, in that moment, I saw my hand in a way I've never seen it before... my brokenness can help me see things differently as well.  I am not sure what all God is going to be teaching me through this... I can't even guess at how this will play out and how it will change me as I walk through it...but I can trust that it will be good.  Because God is good... His plan for me is good and when I surrender my life to Him - His plans for me can more easily come to pass.  And I can bank on the fact that His plans for me will bring me more joy than anything I could ever plan or dream up.  But it still hurts.


Oh and the makeup thing... you know crying and mascara really don't go together.  It's just not a good look.  Thanks for the heads up, God.  

Here is my disclaimer... I didn't want to share this.  I wanted to play a game on my computer or watch a movie... and not think about all the unknown in my life right now, but God kept talking to me about making a blog post.  So... here it is.  This whole thing is very personal to me (obviously) and it's a bit difficult to share it like this.  I just felt like I needed to say that.