When it feels like maybe you don't believe the things you once believed?
Wait, let me not get ahead of myself... I had this thought the other night - you know how when you magnify something it can become impossible to determine what it is? Look at a super-magnified photo of something like skin, hair, or even the fibers of your clothes and they become something entirely different. Just looking at an unlabeled photo, I would bet that few of us could identify many of the things we encounter on a daily basis... all because they have been magnified far beyond what we are accustomed to.
Something similar can happen with... well I guess for the sake of saving like 200 words we will just sum them up as "struggles". You know, those things you go through that can range from "not a big deal really" to "a massively big deal". What happens when you have a smallish struggle... like it's definitely not a big deal... but then something else happens... and maybe it's a bit more of an issue... but then something else comes along... and it's a huge issue. Little by little these things pile on you and it can become rather difficult to take your eyes off the struggles. But the more you look at the struggles, the more magnified they are. It doesn't take long for the struggles to become so magnified that they obscure your vision.
I have a sort of routine I follow with anything I would classify as a "struggle". We need a routine, because...let's be real... life is full of struggles. Big or small...they're there for all of us. My routine is typically to find some Bible verses about the issue. Say I feel fearful or anxious about something...I will find verses about God calming fears, providing, comforting, etc and I will write them down on note cards. These note cards will go up on my wall, in the book I'm reading, or maybe I'll carry them with me to read whenever. I also journal and, since I'm an external processor, I try to talk things out with people, and of course I talk to God about whatever is going on.
But what happens when those things don't work? I'm writing (and reading) my note cards, I'm journaling, I'm talking to God, talking to people...but I am feeling more and more overwhelmed. My struggles are getting bigger and bigger and I find it becoming a struggle even to talk to God. I'm trying to reach out to people but that's not helping... journaling, which is usually a great outlet for me, becomes more and more difficult. Then (seemingly) suddenly I look around and realize... I'm down. Way down. I'm upset with God...I'm angry... I'm so depressed... and I don't know what to do about it.
I have recently been in a really difficult place (that seems like such a "cupcake" way of putting it lol) and I have been having some serious discussions (with myself mostly) on a few topics...
Why do I follow God and live the way I do?
Do I really trust God, or just pretend?
Do I really believe that God has a plan for my life? (like a specific plan not just a "live your life and love people" type of plan)
Do I really believe that the decisions I have made over the past few years were led by God... or just me doing stuff?
I have spent some time examining my life now...versus my life before I became friends with Jesus and anyone who knew me before would have to admit that there has been a drastic change in my life. It's undeniable. I am a very different person, and all the changes are good ones.
So then why am I struggling like this? I've said it before but I have a tendency to get real down on myself about stuff like this - like I shouldn't struggle to be happy or whatever. But that's stupid. I know what my life was like before... I know things are so much better now than they have been for me in the past... but that doesn't mean I won't have struggles or that it's wrong for me to struggle at times.
In the middle of this current struggle I decided that I wasn't going to feel guilty for struggling, that I wasn't going to try to pretend that I felt happier or better than I actually felt. That I was going to be angry at God (because I was) and I wasn't going to talk to anyone who I felt would shame me for my feelings. I also decided that I would continue to talk with God every day...even if it was just to tell Him I was angry and that I wasn't sure I could trust Him. Many times my talking with Him was just telling Him "I need your help!" but I did it every day.
So here I am now... not quite all the way on the other side of this thing, but definitely not underneath it either. Some interesting knowledge has come out of these past months as a result of some even more interesting talks with God. After putting aside my emotions and using my logical brain to take an inventory of some of the experiences I have had with God and how my life and perspective has changed as a result of them I have come to a few conclusions:
No matter how mad I get... I believe God is all powerful and He is worthy to be praised.
Even if my life looks nothing like what I expected... I believe He is still moving in my life and has done some amazing things in my life.
When I dig down deep into it... I do trust Him, even when it feels like I don't. I know I trust Him because if I push it to the point of walking away or staying with Him even if nothing changes... I will stay with Him... and that's trust.
In the midst of my confusion and anger... I turn to Him, and that is relationship. So even when it sometimes feels like He has forgotten me... deep inside I don't believe that lie.
You know what I think?
I think struggles like this serve a purpose. Before I was walking in this struggle I was at a place where I felt I trusted God more than ever before. Seriously, just a few months ago I felt like my relationship with God was better than it had ever been, I felt zero doubt for my future (even though I had no clue what it held) and I even felt almost comfortable with the vast unknown. I felt secure in my relationship with Him and trust in Him.
But now... walking through some serious doubts about whether or not I really trusted Him and believed Him... even though my relationship with God feels different... it feels a bit rocky at the moment to be honest... it feels somehow stronger. Like something in me knows that going through this really rocky place with Him (even though I was mad and didn't want to take His hand at times) has led us to a place where my faith (even though it still feels slim) is stronger... and by trust (even though it still feels questionable at times) is deeper.
I have reminded myself often through this struggle that the last time I felt like this was after returning from Cambodia in 2013. I was in a real struggle at that time... questioning everything especially my faith and relationship with God. I literally felt like my life was falling apart, piece by piece. One day I was praying and God told me He was re-laying my foundation. He told me when a foundation is bad, you have to tear it up to lay a good one or else the house can never last. Even though tearing up a foundation is hard, tiring work... it was necessary in order for me to have a good foundation. I reminded myself of that time because... I not only made it through that dark time, I eventually came out on the other side stronger and deeply changed.
So... I guess we are doing some more foundation work...
