Struggles...

What do you do when it seems like your faith has failed?  

When it feels like maybe you don't believe the things you once believed? 

Wait, let me not get ahead of myself... I had this thought the other night - you know how when you magnify something it can become impossible to determine what it is?  Look at a super-magnified photo of something like skin, hair, or even the fibers of your clothes and they become something entirely different.  Just looking at an unlabeled photo, I would bet that few of us could identify many of the things we encounter on a daily basis... all because they have been magnified far beyond what we are accustomed to.

Something similar can happen with... well I guess for the sake of saving like 200 words we will just sum them up as "struggles".  You know, those things you go through that can range from "not a big deal really" to "a massively big deal".  What happens when you have a smallish struggle... like it's definitely not a big deal... but then something else happens... and maybe it's a bit more of an issue... but then something else comes along... and it's a huge issue.  Little by little these things pile on you and it can become rather difficult to take your eyes off the struggles.  But the more you look at the struggles, the more magnified they are.  It doesn't take long for the struggles to become so magnified that they obscure your vision.

I have a sort of routine I follow with anything I would classify as a "struggle".  We need a routine, because...let's be real... life is full of struggles.  Big or small...they're there for all of us.  My routine is typically to find some Bible verses about the issue.  Say I feel fearful or anxious about something...I will find verses about God calming fears, providing, comforting, etc and I will write them down on note cards.  These note cards will go up on my wall, in the book I'm reading, or maybe I'll carry them with me to read whenever.  I also journal and, since I'm an external processor, I try to talk things out with people, and of course I talk to God about whatever is going on.

But what happens when those things don't work?  I'm writing (and reading) my note cards, I'm journaling, I'm talking to God, talking to people...but I am feeling more and more overwhelmed.  My struggles are getting bigger and bigger and I find it becoming a struggle even to talk to God.  I'm trying to reach out to people but that's not helping... journaling, which is usually a great outlet for me, becomes more and more difficult.  Then (seemingly) suddenly I look around and realize... I'm down.  Way down.  I'm upset with God...I'm angry... I'm so depressed... and I don't know what to do about it.

I have recently been in a really difficult place (that seems like such a "cupcake" way of putting it lol) and I have been having some serious discussions (with myself mostly) on a few topics...

Why do I follow God and live the way I do?  

Do I really trust God, or just pretend?  

Do I really believe that God has a plan for my life? (like a specific plan not just a "live your life and love people" type of plan) 

Do I really believe that the decisions I have made over the past few years were led by God... or just me doing stuff?

I have spent some time examining my life now...versus my life before I became friends with Jesus and anyone who knew me before would have to admit that there has been a drastic change in my life.  It's undeniable.  I am a very different person, and all the changes are good ones.

So then why am I struggling like this?  I've said it before but I have a tendency to get real down on myself about stuff like this - like I shouldn't struggle to be happy or whatever.  But that's stupid.  I know what my life was like before... I know things are so much better now than they have been for me in the past... but that doesn't mean I won't have struggles or that it's wrong for me to struggle at times.

In the middle of this current struggle I decided that I wasn't going to feel guilty for struggling, that I wasn't going to try to pretend that I felt happier or better than I actually felt.  That I was going to be angry at God (because I was) and I wasn't going to talk to anyone who I felt would shame me for my feelings.  I also decided that I would continue to talk with God every day...even if it was just to tell Him I was angry and that I wasn't sure I could trust Him.  Many times my talking with Him was just telling Him "I need your help!" but I did it every day.  

So here I am now... not quite all the way on the other side of this thing, but definitely not underneath it either.  Some interesting knowledge has come out of these past months as a result of some even more interesting talks with God.  After putting aside my emotions and using my logical brain to take an inventory of some of the experiences I have had with God and how my life and perspective has changed as a result of them I have come to a few conclusions: 

No matter how mad I get... I believe God is all powerful and He is worthy to be praised.

Even if my life looks nothing like what I expected... I believe He is still moving in my life and has done some amazing things in my life.

When I dig down deep into it... I do trust Him, even when it feels like I don't.  I know I trust Him because if I push it to the point of walking away or staying with Him even if nothing changes... I will stay with Him... and that's trust.  

In the midst of my confusion and anger... I turn to Him, and that is relationship.  So even when it sometimes feels like He has forgotten me... deep inside I don't believe that lie.

You know what I think?  

I think struggles like this serve a purpose.  Before I was walking in this struggle I was at a place where I felt I trusted God more than ever before.  Seriously, just a few months ago I felt like my relationship with God was better than it had ever been, I felt zero doubt for my future (even though I had no clue what it held) and I even felt almost comfortable with the vast unknown.  I felt secure in my relationship with Him and trust in Him. 

But now... walking through some serious doubts about whether or not I really trusted Him and believed Him... even though my relationship with God feels different... it feels a bit rocky at the moment to be honest... it feels somehow stronger.  Like something in me knows that going through this really rocky place with Him (even though I was mad and didn't want to take His hand at times) has led us to a place where my faith (even though it still feels slim) is stronger... and by trust (even though it still feels questionable at times) is deeper.

I have reminded myself often through this struggle that the last time I felt like this was after returning from Cambodia in 2013.  I was in a real struggle at that time... questioning everything especially my faith and relationship with God.  I literally felt like my life was falling apart, piece by piece.  One day I was praying and God told me He was re-laying my foundation.  He told me when a foundation is bad, you have to tear it up to lay a good one or else the house can never last.  Even though tearing up a foundation is hard, tiring work... it was necessary in order for me to have a good foundation.  I reminded myself of that time because... I not only made it through that dark time, I eventually came out on the other side stronger and deeply changed.  

So... I guess we are doing some more foundation work... 

 

That bitterness though...

I recently posted a blog about some of the struggles that I have been going through because of a cyst on my ovary.  I have learned, and am still learning, some valuable lessons from this experience on trust, fear, hearing God, listening for God...the list goes on.  But I want to share with you a lesson on bitterness.

I have struggled with bitterness...a lot.  I've shared before that I have had difficulties in my life - haven't we all - and I've shared that I've been hurt by people - again...not uncommon, who hasn't experienced pain at the actions or words of another person, whether it was intentional or not?  My childhood was difficult and bitterness was rooted in my life at an early age.  It has taken me a long time to get away from the thinking of "why me?" or "why not me?".

Why does she get that and I don't?  Why did that have to happen to me?  Those type of thoughts are never productive.  Every single human has them at some point...but I let these thoughts have free reign in my mind and emotions for quite some time.  Breaking the pattern and habit of those thoughts, to bring the focus of my thoughts around to the things in my life that I can be thankful for has taken lot's of work with God. 

I already shared that, when I found out about the cyst, I had a conversation with God about how this entire situation would be so different if I was married and already had children... I told Him that I don't understand why that hasn't happened yet... I want, very much to have a family, and He knows that.  Two days after I found out about the cyst... I was preparing to leave the house, I suddenly had this flash of anger and hurt feelings and I told God "I don't want to see a bunch of pregnant women today... I don't want to see one person post on Facebook that they just found out they are pregnant... and I don't want to see a bunch of people with babies either... ok?"

You know what He said to me?  He said "I want you to pray for women who are trying to get pregnant"  Like... what?  Seriously, He said that to me... when I was in the middle of crying because I was afraid I was about to lose the ability to become pregnant myself.  Who does that???  I stopped and told Him... "I don't want to do that God.  That's not fair... that I should have to pray for other women to have the very thing that I want...and may be losing!"  and then I said... "ok... but I need you to help me,"

I got the idea to go to Facebook and post asking if any women were trying to get pregnant and wanted prayer...to message me.  So, before I left the house, I did that.  Within a couple of days I had a list of 15 women...and I started praying for them every night.  The first few days - I will admit - were hard.  Very little in me wanted to do this...except that I *knew* God was asking me to do it..and I wanted to obey.  A few days into it... I was praying and God told me a specific woman was going to be pregnant within that month...and I felt like even that same week.  I wrote it down, and I anxiously waited to hear the news... That same woman announced her pregnancy on Thanksgiving!!!  The excitement of waiting for her announcement sort of made me forget that nagging jealous feeling... it turned to joy and expectation instead.

Out of this... something amazing has happened.  An area where I have, with pretty valid reasons, struggled with bitterness... is now an area where I am excited to pray for others to see breakthrough.  Where I have struggled so much with jealousy and great sadness...  I'm not struggling anymore.  To me...that's a pretty amazing breakthrough!  That, my friends, is beauty for ashes...joy for mourning!!!

I think this act of praying for others to have the very thing I have lost, and have feared I am losing forever, has broken something off of me...at least in that specific area.  It's broken off this thought that - if she gets what I want...then there may not be enough left for me to have it as well.  You know that thought?  It gets buried down in there sometimes and I don't even think I was consciously aware that I was thinking it...but really that's what I think is going on when someone has or gets something we ourselves want and, instead of feeling joyful for them, we feel jealous and hurt.  Why would someone else's blessing make me feel somehow "less than" unless I have this broken belief in me that there isn't enough for both of us...

I am excited at this lesson because that ugly little jealous, hurt feeling is something I have wanted to be free from for a long time.  I'm not saying this is a method that will rid me of that in every area of my life, but choosing to pray for someone to be blessed surely doesn't leave much room for jealousy and sadness when their blessing comes! 

The desire of my heart is to pour out on others the love that God has poured into me...and I don't want the pouring out to be clogged up with things like jealousy and rejection.  I understand how those things got so deeply rooted into me... but now it's time for them to be gone for good!  There is no limit to the blessings that God can, and will, pour out onto us.  He enjoys surprising us with blessings in a way that leave us in awe of His power and love for us...and I want to be more intentional about partnering with Him in that and seeking ways that I can be a blessing to others.  God, please help me to always remember that there is enough for everyone... for her and for me... and that her blessing doesn't, in any way, diminish what you have for me!!!

Learning to trust...

Recently God began asking me "Do you trust me?".  This question has come in a few circumstances and my answer has been "No...not really."  So when that question started coming, and I searched my heart and came back with the honest answer that maybe I don't fully trust God to provide the very best (even though the road to "the very best" is sometimes - dare I say often - painful) I began asking "God, help me to trust you more...no not more...help me to trust you completely!"

Have you ever heard the expression "Be careful what you pray for"?  Well...this past week I got some less than desirable news. Wait...let me be honest...it didn't feel less than desirable... it felt devastating.  I immediately entered a zone where I had two choices... I could either trust God or give in to hopelessness. Guess what happened?  I was actually surprised at myself...I won't lie.  My trust in God far outweighed the hopelessness.  Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at that...but I am.  Even a couple of years ago, I think even one year ago, I would have handled this situation in a completely different way.

Don't get me wrong...there were tears, and if I spend much time thinking of the possible negative outcome...there are still tears.  There was fear...but God didn't put His Spirit within me so that I can live in fear...so I knew I had to fight against that fear and not give it a place...easier said than done by the way...especially when fear has only recently been evicted from the it's dark hiding place in my heart.  But overwhelmingly...my mind has remained focused on God's goodness and His ability to create the most spectacular miracles.

So today I thought of something.  Maybe...my answer of "No, not really" came from a place of being unaware.  If you were to ask me "Can you pick up a 50 lb weight and carry it across the room" I would probably say "I think so"  Because I know, based on past experience, how much weight I can safely lift and carry.  But I won't really know if I am able...until I try.  I can lift and carry a 50 lb toddler...but I might find it to be a bit different picking up a 50 lb weight.  It's in the process of doing it that I learn for sure if I am able. 

So, here I am, in the process (which I am starting to think of as "faith lifting" you know...like weight lifting...get it???) and you know what I am learning?  My faith is stronger than I thought.  I'm actually looking at this situation and, with complete honesty, saying "God, no matter how this turns out, I trust that you have a spectacular plan for my life".  Every now and then I am surprised all over again with the peace and comfort that I feel in the midst of something that could have me crying on the floor in fear and helplessness.  Only because of the Holy Spirit am I able to have this comfort and peace...only because of His strength in me am I able to rest in this faith.  It's really quite amazing.

I still sort of consider myself to be a "baby Christian" (although I prefer the term "friends with Jesus" over Christian) and in these moments I am left in awe of the way that God is gifting me with peace in the storm.  A peace that I have done nothing to deserve or create and cannot, in any way, sustain without Him.  I am, once again, blown away because His love and provision are so amazing.  He is good...even when life doesn't seem that good.

p.s. I want to share a couple of the verses that really help me through difficult moments.  If I begin to feel discouraged or fearful...these are two of the top verses that I draw comfort from.

Isaiah 46:10
Only I (God) can tell you the future before it even happens.  Everything I plan will come to pass, I do whatever I wish

Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I (God) will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.