Recently God began asking me "Do you trust me?". This question has come in a few circumstances and my answer has been "No...not really." So when that question started coming, and I searched my heart and came back with the honest answer that maybe I don't fully trust God to provide the very best (even though the road to "the very best" is sometimes - dare I say often - painful) I began asking "God, help me to trust you more...no not more...help me to trust you completely!"
Have you ever heard the expression "Be careful what you pray for"? Well...this past week I got some less than desirable news. Wait...let me be honest...it didn't feel less than desirable... it felt devastating. I immediately entered a zone where I had two choices... I could either trust God or give in to hopelessness. Guess what happened? I was actually surprised at myself...I won't lie. My trust in God far outweighed the hopelessness. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at that...but I am. Even a couple of years ago, I think even one year ago, I would have handled this situation in a completely different way.
Don't get me wrong...there were tears, and if I spend much time thinking of the possible negative outcome...there are still tears. There was fear...but God didn't put His Spirit within me so that I can live in fear...so I knew I had to fight against that fear and not give it a place...easier said than done by the way...especially when fear has only recently been evicted from the it's dark hiding place in my heart. But overwhelmingly...my mind has remained focused on God's goodness and His ability to create the most spectacular miracles.
So today I thought of something. Maybe...my answer of "No, not really" came from a place of being unaware. If you were to ask me "Can you pick up a 50 lb weight and carry it across the room" I would probably say "I think so" Because I know, based on past experience, how much weight I can safely lift and carry. But I won't really know if I am able...until I try. I can lift and carry a 50 lb toddler...but I might find it to be a bit different picking up a 50 lb weight. It's in the process of doing it that I learn for sure if I am able.
So, here I am, in the process (which I am starting to think of as "faith lifting" you know...like weight lifting...get it???) and you know what I am learning? My faith is stronger than I thought. I'm actually looking at this situation and, with complete honesty, saying "God, no matter how this turns out, I trust that you have a spectacular plan for my life". Every now and then I am surprised all over again with the peace and comfort that I feel in the midst of something that could have me crying on the floor in fear and helplessness. Only because of the Holy Spirit am I able to have this comfort and peace...only because of His strength in me am I able to rest in this faith. It's really quite amazing.
I still sort of consider myself to be a "baby Christian" (although I prefer the term "friends with Jesus" over Christian) and in these moments I am left in awe of the way that God is gifting me with peace in the storm. A peace that I have done nothing to deserve or create and cannot, in any way, sustain without Him. I am, once again, blown away because His love and provision are so amazing. He is good...even when life doesn't seem that good.
p.s. I want to share a couple of the verses that really help me through difficult moments. If I begin to feel discouraged or fearful...these are two of the top verses that I draw comfort from.
Isaiah 46:10
Only I (God) can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, I do whatever I wish
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I (God) will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
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