I'm reading this book...well, I'm reading lots of books right now. Actually...I stopped and counted... I am actively reading 5 books currently. Well, not at this very moment (obviously) ;) you know what I mean...
So I'm reading this book and taking this class at my church and it's actually about marriage...but I figured "hey...I plan to be married one day so...I'm down." The first class was tonight and this is my take-away from it: Relationships require work. Love requires work.
I see that and think...well...obviously. No relationship just happens. In order for people to be "in a relationship" there must be sort of connection. This book points out how at the beginning of a relationship...you make a specific effort to make time for the other person. You might sacrifice time that was previously spent doing something else to spend time getting to know this other person.
Unfortunately, once you get comfortable with the relationship...you can start to take it for granted. Maybe not set aside so much time for that person. Maybe you don't make so many sacrifices. The point is that in order to have a healthy marriage, you must continue putting effort, work into the relationship. You must continue making time for your spouse whether you are just married...or you've been together for 20 years.
Now... Here is what's on my mind tonight. Reading all that and listening to it. My mind says - yeah, we all know. Love doesn't just happen. Love is a choice that we make. I know all this...it makes sense...
But then...driving home I was thinking of something.
I struggle to spend time with God. I will think about how I want to do that...spend time alone with God everyday, read my Bible... But then I don't do it. I just don't make time.
So...I was talking to God about this on my way home and I realized...I am basically just waiting for it to happen. Waiting for the day when I wake up and suddenly just have such a strong desire to spend time with God that I do it.
But how is that any different than not putting any effort into relationship and expecting it to grow and thrive?
So here is another example...
Say there's a guy who is interested in me...he is going to make an effort to talk to me, get to know me... If I am interested in this man... am I going to remain silent? Or am I going to make an effort to talk to him and get to know him?
Obviously I am going to make an effort. I am going to talk to him and spend time getting to know him. It is a choice that I make...it doesn't happen on accident. So...why don't I do that with God?
An obvious answer could be that it's easier to make time for a human that I can see and audibly hear...but God is no less real. He is speaking to me. He makes an effort to engage me daily, and I do talk to Him daily...but I don't stop and spend time with Him. He wants me to stop what I am doing sometimes and just sit with Him.
In many ways...I still consider myself a "baby" Christian. I have been friends with Jesus for about...7 years now. I've said it before...but it's worth repeating... my life has been transformed since I started a relationship with Jesus. And the transformation continues...
Monday, September 19, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Transformation...
If you can't tell from reading my blog...I have a lot of words in me. One way they come out is writing here...but that's only when God drops something on me that He wants me to share... another way those words get out is talking (I do love to talk y'all), journaling also provides a perfect outlet for processing of words.
I have done a lot of processing through writing over the years. I've also done a lot of changing, a lot! That has been on my mind a bit lately. I ask God for a word for each year, sort of an alternative to the new years resolution thing. My word for 2016 is Transformation and when God gave me that word He told me that this would be a year for deeper healing. Man...am I seeing that! I literally feel that I am at the finish line with some things. I feel I am getting deeper levels of healing and wholeness.
But here's the thing about healing...it hurts - which makes sense when you consider the fact that healing is only necessary when there is a wound. It's not easy. It's hard work. Personally, I believe that healing is a long-term commitment and I applaud each and every person that chooses to walk down this difficult path. This is a long intro because...what I'm going to write about could be a little offensive. Maybe it's still a little offensive to me. Well...if I'm honest - and I am...very honest - it is offensive to me. But...here we go.
In order to heal - I have to be willing to let go of the identity that I had from being a victim.
This is a huge part of the struggle...it has been for me anyway. I have struggled with this idea because..well...I guess because it feels so unfair that I should have to work so hard to undo something that was done to me. But maybe even that statement walks the line of victim mentality. But let's just be really real for a moment... it's not fair. It will never be fair that the victim is left to pick up the pieces and put their life back together. It sucks. End of story.
But...the truth is this - regardless of who hurt me, regardless of how they hurt me, regardless of how old I was when they hurt me... only *I* can choose to pick myself up and change my life. And that is HARD TO DO! No, it's not fair...but the way I see it, I only have two options: 1) I can stay in my suffering and anger, wall the world off to protect myself and remain miserable or 2) I can choose to believe that I can create a better future for myself by working towards healing.
It has been a long journey. I was relatively young when I came to the realization that the only way my life would get better was if I worked hard to change some things. Even at a young age I knew that I did not want to continue the behaviors I had grown up with; I wanted to provide a better life for my own children, and I knew that in order to do that...I would need to work on myself. Even with that realization and a strong desire to not see the same patterns continue in my life...I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to give up... the number of times I have gotten so angry and wanted to just sort of throw a temper tantrum...because it's not fair.
It took me a long time to see that I was living as a victim. And when I started realizing that...I became angry all over again. I had done so much work towards healing in my life and then realized that in order to make more progress...I had to basically let go of the identity that I had become accustomed to. I had to let go of the idea that someone, somewhere owed me something in return for my suffering. I had to walk away from my anger and desire for retribution...and embrace forgiveness. I had to turn my thoughts away from an expectation to be disappointed and hurt...and instead...learn to look for and expect good things. And that made me so angry.
I had grown so accustomed to my anger and to the "I don't care" mask that I had been wearing for pretty much my entire life...that letting go of it was extremely uncomfortable. But I kept going...I kept walking and making an effort (not always my best effort but an effort all the same) to be different. So with all of that...and this long path I've been walking down...with all the transformation and change that has taken place in my life... Let's go back to my talk of journaling...
One week ago, I was writing in my journal...and God let me know that I am still identifying as a victim in some areas (insert surprised face). So here I am...well over a decade into working to change my life, almost a decade since I became friends with Jesus...and still I have areas where I identify as a victim! That's crazy to me!! I used to think there would come this day when I would be *poof* healed and no longer have any issues, never be unhappy, skipping through a field of flowers...a huge smile on my face that will never again waver or fall...
At least I can laugh about it now. Because now I see that this transformation is step by step...and it's ok that it's not all at once...in fact I think there is a value in the long-term. I'm not walking this path to healing for 30 days then passing through the door to a new life...where I can forget the struggle and skip around and enjoy my new life - leaving all the ugliness on the other side of that door. No...this is a commitment...it's my life. The value in that long-term walk is that I don't lose who I used to be in the transformation, and that I gain a relationship with the one who is healing me.
At one point in my life, I saw no value in the experiences of my past...I honestly wanted to wipe all of those memories from my life and begin a new life where I could pretend that none of those things happened. That I was never that person...but... I was that person. No amount of healing or change can remove the past. And here is the value in that... There is power in the things that God has done in my life. God saved me...He brought me out of dark places. He came to me when I was at my lowest and He loved me even when I hated Him. I'm getting into another subject now...but there is value in the relationship that I now have with God who is The Healer.
So...I will remain committed to walking this path...to letting go of my identity as a victim...to surrendering my right to retribution. I choose forgiveness over retaliation. I choose to focus on the beauty and joy in this life and not on darkness and hopelessness.
Man I could write so much more here...I think I could write about this for hours (and I have) but I want to add one last thing. More than anything I don't want to make it sound like it's easy to forgive or to let go of the victim identity...it's not. Well, if you tell me it was easy for you I won't argue...that's your experience, but for me it's been agonizing...painful. My life is so transformed. I have been on my knees sobbing with the pain of it at times... I don't ever want to make someone feel like I'm saying "just get better...just don't feel sorry for yourself...just get over it" (ever heard those words? I sure have). My desire is to encourage.
I guess if I don't end this here...I may never end it so.....
I have done a lot of processing through writing over the years. I've also done a lot of changing, a lot! That has been on my mind a bit lately. I ask God for a word for each year, sort of an alternative to the new years resolution thing. My word for 2016 is Transformation and when God gave me that word He told me that this would be a year for deeper healing. Man...am I seeing that! I literally feel that I am at the finish line with some things. I feel I am getting deeper levels of healing and wholeness.
But here's the thing about healing...it hurts - which makes sense when you consider the fact that healing is only necessary when there is a wound. It's not easy. It's hard work. Personally, I believe that healing is a long-term commitment and I applaud each and every person that chooses to walk down this difficult path. This is a long intro because...what I'm going to write about could be a little offensive. Maybe it's still a little offensive to me. Well...if I'm honest - and I am...very honest - it is offensive to me. But...here we go.
In order to heal - I have to be willing to let go of the identity that I had from being a victim.
This is a huge part of the struggle...it has been for me anyway. I have struggled with this idea because..well...I guess because it feels so unfair that I should have to work so hard to undo something that was done to me. But maybe even that statement walks the line of victim mentality. But let's just be really real for a moment... it's not fair. It will never be fair that the victim is left to pick up the pieces and put their life back together. It sucks. End of story.
But...the truth is this - regardless of who hurt me, regardless of how they hurt me, regardless of how old I was when they hurt me... only *I* can choose to pick myself up and change my life. And that is HARD TO DO! No, it's not fair...but the way I see it, I only have two options: 1) I can stay in my suffering and anger, wall the world off to protect myself and remain miserable or 2) I can choose to believe that I can create a better future for myself by working towards healing.
It has been a long journey. I was relatively young when I came to the realization that the only way my life would get better was if I worked hard to change some things. Even at a young age I knew that I did not want to continue the behaviors I had grown up with; I wanted to provide a better life for my own children, and I knew that in order to do that...I would need to work on myself. Even with that realization and a strong desire to not see the same patterns continue in my life...I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to give up... the number of times I have gotten so angry and wanted to just sort of throw a temper tantrum...because it's not fair.
It took me a long time to see that I was living as a victim. And when I started realizing that...I became angry all over again. I had done so much work towards healing in my life and then realized that in order to make more progress...I had to basically let go of the identity that I had become accustomed to. I had to let go of the idea that someone, somewhere owed me something in return for my suffering. I had to walk away from my anger and desire for retribution...and embrace forgiveness. I had to turn my thoughts away from an expectation to be disappointed and hurt...and instead...learn to look for and expect good things. And that made me so angry.
I had grown so accustomed to my anger and to the "I don't care" mask that I had been wearing for pretty much my entire life...that letting go of it was extremely uncomfortable. But I kept going...I kept walking and making an effort (not always my best effort but an effort all the same) to be different. So with all of that...and this long path I've been walking down...with all the transformation and change that has taken place in my life... Let's go back to my talk of journaling...
One week ago, I was writing in my journal...and God let me know that I am still identifying as a victim in some areas (insert surprised face). So here I am...well over a decade into working to change my life, almost a decade since I became friends with Jesus...and still I have areas where I identify as a victim! That's crazy to me!! I used to think there would come this day when I would be *poof* healed and no longer have any issues, never be unhappy, skipping through a field of flowers...a huge smile on my face that will never again waver or fall...
At least I can laugh about it now. Because now I see that this transformation is step by step...and it's ok that it's not all at once...in fact I think there is a value in the long-term. I'm not walking this path to healing for 30 days then passing through the door to a new life...where I can forget the struggle and skip around and enjoy my new life - leaving all the ugliness on the other side of that door. No...this is a commitment...it's my life. The value in that long-term walk is that I don't lose who I used to be in the transformation, and that I gain a relationship with the one who is healing me.
At one point in my life, I saw no value in the experiences of my past...I honestly wanted to wipe all of those memories from my life and begin a new life where I could pretend that none of those things happened. That I was never that person...but... I was that person. No amount of healing or change can remove the past. And here is the value in that... There is power in the things that God has done in my life. God saved me...He brought me out of dark places. He came to me when I was at my lowest and He loved me even when I hated Him. I'm getting into another subject now...but there is value in the relationship that I now have with God who is The Healer.
So...I will remain committed to walking this path...to letting go of my identity as a victim...to surrendering my right to retribution. I choose forgiveness over retaliation. I choose to focus on the beauty and joy in this life and not on darkness and hopelessness.
Man I could write so much more here...I think I could write about this for hours (and I have) but I want to add one last thing. More than anything I don't want to make it sound like it's easy to forgive or to let go of the victim identity...it's not. Well, if you tell me it was easy for you I won't argue...that's your experience, but for me it's been agonizing...painful. My life is so transformed. I have been on my knees sobbing with the pain of it at times... I don't ever want to make someone feel like I'm saying "just get better...just don't feel sorry for yourself...just get over it" (ever heard those words? I sure have). My desire is to encourage.
I guess if I don't end this here...I may never end it so.....
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Today...
Today, during worship, I didn't stand and sing like I usually do. I walked in after worship had already started, found a seat, and just sat in it. I checked my Facebook (because I hadn't in like 30 minutes ya know) and then drank some water... then I just closed my eyes and started talking to Jesus.
Jesus rather quickly told me to just be quiet. So I did.
I was sitting there with my eyes closed, trying to be quiet...which is hard...because I like to talk and I don't particularly enjoy silence - especially in my mind. There's always something going on up there... I'm usually thinking about at least one thing (ok, let's be real...more like three things) and singing a song of some sort...planning out the next thing I will look up on Google.
But I did my best not to speak... ahem, think... and after a few moments of silence I began to see this picture. I saw a hand, a left hand to be exact, and it was holding the tiniest little dot of light between the thumb and forefinger. Before I could even wonder what this was...God began to speak to me about my creation. He began telling me about how, during my creation, He considered many things. He thought about how I would be, what I would look like, how tall I would be, the color of my hair and eyes....
Then I did speak ask Him something... something I have asked Him on many occasions... usually while I am sobbing and my heart feels broken - but today I asked Him out of curiosity - not from a place of pain or blame - but just because I want to know "Why did you make me? Knowing all that would happen to me, why did you still make me?"
He said "I made you because I saw your beauty, and I couldn't leave you as your were. I considered the cost. I weighed the cost of your pain, what it would cost me, and I decided that it was worth it."
There was a sudden flash of...something...in me. I asked Him "Cost you??? It cost me!!"
He quickly answered me "Your suffering is not only a cost to you. I have paid a high price, because I have suffered with you. I suffer greatly when children are hurt. In the moment that I held your light in my hand, I knew everything that would happen to you, I knew what I would suffer for you, and I decided that you were worth it. It was worth it all to have a relationship with you, to have you look at me with love. I didn't just see those things, I also saw the choices you could make, I saw I saw your journey...I saw what you could become."
Let me stop here and say that I have struggled in the past with feeling worthless...I believed growing up that I was a mistake, an accident, a pariah - unwanted and unloved. I'm not being dramatic here, just really stinkin vulnerable.
Now, it's been a while since I felt worthless. The more I have learned to see myself the way God sees me - the less those thoughts and feelings have plagued me. But God knows...He sees when there's even a speck of that old lie still floating around inside.
This entire encounter was something that I frequently pray for the ones I love...it was an encounter with The Living God, Creator of the universe that left me so profoundly aware of His great love for me that I am changed.
God did not just throw me together, put His breath in my lungs and then go on about His way. He carefully considered the cost - both of the evil things that would be done to me, and the evil things that I would do - He was intentional and thoughtful. He looked at the timeline of my life...looked at the roads that would be available for me to take (or not take) and in the end He chose to create me because it was worth it, I was worth it. He looked forward to the possibility of a relationship with me and saw it as a beautiful thing. He looked at me and saw beauty...not a stain.
I understand that some will read this and think it's crazy...although they probably won't get this far. That's ok... this was a deeply personal experience between God and myself. It's actually a bit difficult to share because - with something that means so much to me...it's hard to make it vulnerable to others. But, once again, God has asked me to share this part of it. The rest is just between me and Him for now.
But here's the one thing you have to remember... This conversation could have been between God...and you. Because you are this valuable to Him...He considered you just as deeply and decided you were worth it. He looked forward to a relationship with you.
Every person on this earth is that valuable to Him...
I guess I will share this one last thing... if you've read this far...
you can share this one other thing with me...
after all our talking, when I was feeling so loved and valuable and wonderful...God told me
"I weighed the cost with them too" (referring to the ones who are responsible for all the suffering I mentioned earlier) when He said that I started crying all over again.
He said "I saw it all, I saw what they could become...I saw the cost of the suffering I would endure for them...and I decided that they were worth it."
I'm crying now even as I write this. I've shared about my struggles with forgiveness... and I was praying about that very thing just last night.
God used this whole thing to show me how much He values me...but also how much He values them. No one is worthless to God. If they were worthless, if they were incapable of having value to God - He wouldn't have created them.
This is a hard place to end this... but I don't have a whole lot more to say on this subject right now. If you read all the way to the end...I'll say thank you because I know this was long and probably a bit choppy... I hope that it encourages you in some way...
It has changed me.
It still is changing me.
Jesus rather quickly told me to just be quiet. So I did.
I was sitting there with my eyes closed, trying to be quiet...which is hard...because I like to talk and I don't particularly enjoy silence - especially in my mind. There's always something going on up there... I'm usually thinking about at least one thing (ok, let's be real...more like three things) and singing a song of some sort...planning out the next thing I will look up on Google.
But I did my best not to speak... ahem, think... and after a few moments of silence I began to see this picture. I saw a hand, a left hand to be exact, and it was holding the tiniest little dot of light between the thumb and forefinger. Before I could even wonder what this was...God began to speak to me about my creation. He began telling me about how, during my creation, He considered many things. He thought about how I would be, what I would look like, how tall I would be, the color of my hair and eyes....
Then I did speak ask Him something... something I have asked Him on many occasions... usually while I am sobbing and my heart feels broken - but today I asked Him out of curiosity - not from a place of pain or blame - but just because I want to know "Why did you make me? Knowing all that would happen to me, why did you still make me?"
He said "I made you because I saw your beauty, and I couldn't leave you as your were. I considered the cost. I weighed the cost of your pain, what it would cost me, and I decided that it was worth it."
There was a sudden flash of...something...in me. I asked Him "Cost you??? It cost me!!"
He quickly answered me "Your suffering is not only a cost to you. I have paid a high price, because I have suffered with you. I suffer greatly when children are hurt. In the moment that I held your light in my hand, I knew everything that would happen to you, I knew what I would suffer for you, and I decided that you were worth it. It was worth it all to have a relationship with you, to have you look at me with love. I didn't just see those things, I also saw the choices you could make, I saw I saw your journey...I saw what you could become."
Let me stop here and say that I have struggled in the past with feeling worthless...I believed growing up that I was a mistake, an accident, a pariah - unwanted and unloved. I'm not being dramatic here, just really stinkin vulnerable.
Now, it's been a while since I felt worthless. The more I have learned to see myself the way God sees me - the less those thoughts and feelings have plagued me. But God knows...He sees when there's even a speck of that old lie still floating around inside.
This entire encounter was something that I frequently pray for the ones I love...it was an encounter with The Living God, Creator of the universe that left me so profoundly aware of His great love for me that I am changed.
God did not just throw me together, put His breath in my lungs and then go on about His way. He carefully considered the cost - both of the evil things that would be done to me, and the evil things that I would do - He was intentional and thoughtful. He looked at the timeline of my life...looked at the roads that would be available for me to take (or not take) and in the end He chose to create me because it was worth it, I was worth it. He looked forward to the possibility of a relationship with me and saw it as a beautiful thing. He looked at me and saw beauty...not a stain.
I understand that some will read this and think it's crazy...although they probably won't get this far. That's ok... this was a deeply personal experience between God and myself. It's actually a bit difficult to share because - with something that means so much to me...it's hard to make it vulnerable to others. But, once again, God has asked me to share this part of it. The rest is just between me and Him for now.
But here's the one thing you have to remember... This conversation could have been between God...and you. Because you are this valuable to Him...He considered you just as deeply and decided you were worth it. He looked forward to a relationship with you.
Every person on this earth is that valuable to Him...
I guess I will share this one last thing... if you've read this far...
you can share this one other thing with me...
after all our talking, when I was feeling so loved and valuable and wonderful...God told me
"I weighed the cost with them too" (referring to the ones who are responsible for all the suffering I mentioned earlier) when He said that I started crying all over again.
He said "I saw it all, I saw what they could become...I saw the cost of the suffering I would endure for them...and I decided that they were worth it."
I'm crying now even as I write this. I've shared about my struggles with forgiveness... and I was praying about that very thing just last night.
God used this whole thing to show me how much He values me...but also how much He values them. No one is worthless to God. If they were worthless, if they were incapable of having value to God - He wouldn't have created them.
This is a hard place to end this... but I don't have a whole lot more to say on this subject right now. If you read all the way to the end...I'll say thank you because I know this was long and probably a bit choppy... I hope that it encourages you in some way...
It has changed me.
It still is changing me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)