If you can't tell from reading my blog...I have a lot of words in me. One way they come out is writing here...but that's only when God drops something on me that He wants me to share... another way those words get out is talking (I do love to talk y'all), journaling also provides a perfect outlet for processing of words.
I have done a lot of processing through writing over the years. I've also done a lot of changing, a lot! That has been on my mind a bit lately. I ask God for a word for each year, sort of an alternative to the new years resolution thing. My word for 2016 is Transformation and when God gave me that word He told me that this would be a year for deeper healing. Man...am I seeing that! I literally feel that I am at the finish line with some things. I feel I am getting deeper levels of healing and wholeness.
But here's the thing about healing...it hurts - which makes sense when you consider the fact that healing is only necessary when there is a wound. It's not easy. It's hard work. Personally, I believe that healing is a long-term commitment and I applaud each and every person that chooses to walk down this difficult path. This is a long intro because...what I'm going to write about could be a little offensive. Maybe it's still a little offensive to me. Well...if I'm honest - and I am...very honest - it is offensive to me. But...here we go.
In order to heal - I have to be willing to let go of the identity that I had from being a victim.
This is a huge part of the struggle...it has been for me anyway. I have struggled with this idea because..well...I guess because it feels so unfair that I should have to work so hard to undo something that was done to me. But maybe even that statement walks the line of victim mentality. But let's just be really real for a moment... it's not fair. It will never be fair that the victim is left to pick up the pieces and put their life back together. It sucks. End of story.
But...the truth is this - regardless of who hurt me, regardless of how they hurt me, regardless of how old I was when they hurt me... only *I* can choose to pick myself up and change my life. And that is HARD TO DO! No, it's not fair...but the way I see it, I only have two options: 1) I can stay in my suffering and anger, wall the world off to protect myself and remain miserable or 2) I can choose to believe that I can create a better future for myself by working towards healing.
It has been a long journey. I was relatively young when I came to the realization that the only way my life would get better was if I worked hard to change some things. Even at a young age I knew that I did not want to continue the behaviors I had grown up with; I wanted to provide a better life for my own children, and I knew that in order to do that...I would need to work on myself. Even with that realization and a strong desire to not see the same patterns continue in my life...I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to give up... the number of times I have gotten so angry and wanted to just sort of throw a temper tantrum...because it's not fair.
It took me a long time to see that I was living as a victim. And when I started realizing that...I became angry all over again. I had done so much work towards healing in my life and then realized that in order to make more progress...I had to basically let go of the identity that I had become accustomed to. I had to let go of the idea that someone, somewhere owed me something in return for my suffering. I had to walk away from my anger and desire for retribution...and embrace forgiveness. I had to turn my thoughts away from an expectation to be disappointed and hurt...and instead...learn to look for and expect good things. And that made me so angry.
I had grown so accustomed to my anger and to the "I don't care" mask that I had been wearing for pretty much my entire life...that letting go of it was extremely uncomfortable. But I kept going...I kept walking and making an effort (not always my best effort but an effort all the same) to be different. So with all of that...and this long path I've been walking down...with all the transformation and change that has taken place in my life... Let's go back to my talk of journaling...
One week ago, I was writing in my journal...and God let me know that I am still identifying as a victim in some areas (insert surprised face). So here I am...well over a decade into working to change my life, almost a decade since I became friends with Jesus...and still I have areas where I identify as a victim! That's crazy to me!! I used to think there would come this day when I would be *poof* healed and no longer have any issues, never be unhappy, skipping through a field of flowers...a huge smile on my face that will never again waver or fall...
At least I can laugh about it now. Because now I see that this transformation is step by step...and it's ok that it's not all at once...in fact I think there is a value in the long-term. I'm not walking this path to healing for 30 days then passing through the door to a new life...where I can forget the struggle and skip around and enjoy my new life - leaving all the ugliness on the other side of that door. No...this is a commitment...it's my life. The value in that long-term walk is that I don't lose who I used to be in the transformation, and that I gain a relationship with the one who is healing me.
At one point in my life, I saw no value in the experiences of my past...I honestly wanted to wipe all of those memories from my life and begin a new life where I could pretend that none of those things happened. That I was never that person...but... I was that person. No amount of healing or change can remove the past. And here is the value in that... There is power in the things that God has done in my life. God saved me...He brought me out of dark places. He came to me when I was at my lowest and He loved me even when I hated Him. I'm getting into another subject now...but there is value in the relationship that I now have with God who is The Healer.
So...I will remain committed to walking this path...to letting go of my identity as a victim...to surrendering my right to retribution. I choose forgiveness over retaliation. I choose to focus on the beauty and joy in this life and not on darkness and hopelessness.
Man I could write so much more here...I think I could write about this for hours (and I have) but I want to add one last thing. More than anything I don't want to make it sound like it's easy to forgive or to let go of the victim identity...it's not. Well, if you tell me it was easy for you I won't argue...that's your experience, but for me it's been agonizing...painful. My life is so transformed. I have been on my knees sobbing with the pain of it at times... I don't ever want to make someone feel like I'm saying "just get better...just don't feel sorry for yourself...just get over it" (ever heard those words? I sure have). My desire is to encourage.
I guess if I don't end this here...I may never end it so.....
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