Transformation...

If you can't tell from reading my blog...I have a lot of words in me.  One way they come out is writing here...but that's only when God drops something on me that He wants me to share... another way those words get out is talking (I do love to talk y'all), journaling also provides a perfect outlet for processing of words.

I have done a lot of processing through writing over the years.  I've also done a lot of changing, a lot!  That has been on my mind a bit lately.  I ask God for a word for each year, sort of an alternative to the new years resolution thing.  My word for 2016 is Transformation and  when God gave me that word He told me that this would be a year for deeper healing.  Man...am I seeing that!  I literally feel that I am at the finish line with some things.  I feel I am getting deeper levels of healing and wholeness.

But here's the thing about healing...it hurts - which makes sense when you consider the fact that healing is only necessary when there is a wound.  It's not easy.  It's hard work.  Personally, I believe that healing is a long-term commitment and I applaud each and every person that chooses to walk down this difficult path. This is a long intro because...what I'm going to write about could be a little offensive.  Maybe it's still a little offensive to me. Well...if I'm honest - and I am...very honest - it is offensive to me.  But...here we go.

In order to heal - I have to be willing to let go of the identity that I had from being a victim.

This is a huge part of the struggle...it has been for me anyway.  I have struggled with this idea because..well...I guess because it feels so unfair that I should have to work so hard to undo something that was done to me.  But maybe even that statement walks the line of victim mentality.  But let's just be really real for a moment... it's not fair.  It will never be fair that the victim is left to pick up the pieces and put their life back together.  It sucks.  End of story. 

But...the truth is this - regardless of who hurt me, regardless of how they hurt me, regardless of how old I was when they hurt me... only *I* can choose to pick myself up and change my life.  And that is HARD TO DO!  No, it's not fair...but the way I see it, I only have two options: 1) I can stay in my suffering and anger, wall the world off to protect myself and remain miserable or 2) I can choose to believe that I can create a better future for myself by working towards healing.

It has been a long journey.  I was relatively young  when I came to the realization that the only way my life would get better was if I worked hard to change some things.  Even at a young age I knew that I did not want to continue the behaviors I had grown up with; I wanted to provide a better life for my own children, and I knew that in order to do that...I would need to work on myself. Even with that realization and a strong desire to not see the same patterns continue in my life...I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to give up... the number of times I have gotten so angry and wanted to just sort of throw a temper tantrum...because it's not fair. 

It took me a long time to see that I was living as a victim.  And when I started realizing that...I became angry all over again.  I had done so much work towards healing in my life and then realized that in order to make more progress...I had to basically let go of the identity that I had become accustomed to.  I had to let go of the idea that someone, somewhere owed me something in return for my suffering.  I had to walk away from my anger and desire for retribution...and embrace forgiveness.  I had to turn my thoughts away from an expectation to be disappointed and hurt...and instead...learn to look for and expect good things.  And that made me so angry.

I had grown so accustomed to my anger and to the "I don't care" mask that I had been wearing for pretty much my entire life...that letting go of it was extremely uncomfortable.  But I kept going...I kept walking and making an effort (not always my best effort but an effort all the same) to be different.  So with all of that...and this long path I've been walking down...with all the transformation and change that has taken place in my life...  Let's go back to my talk of journaling...

One week ago, I was writing in my journal...and God let me know that I am still identifying as a victim in some areas (insert surprised face).  So here I am...well over a decade into working to change my life, almost a decade since I became friends with Jesus...and still I have areas where I identify as a victim!  That's crazy to me!!  I used to think there would come this day when I would be *poof* healed and no longer have any issues, never be unhappy, skipping through a field of flowers...a huge smile on my face that will never again waver or fall... 

At least I can laugh about it now.  Because now I see that this transformation is step by step...and it's ok that it's not all at once...in fact I think there is a value in the long-term.  I'm not walking this path to healing for 30 days then passing through the door to a new life...where I can forget the struggle and skip around and enjoy my new life - leaving all the ugliness on the other side of that door.  No...this is a commitment...it's my life.  The value in that long-term walk is that I don't lose who I used to be in the transformation, and that I gain a relationship with the one who is healing me.

At one point in my life, I saw no value in the experiences of my past...I honestly wanted to wipe all of those memories from my life and begin a new life where I could pretend that none of those things happened.  That I was never that person...but... I was that person.  No amount of healing or change can remove the past.  And here is the value in that... There is power in the things that God has done in my life.  God saved me...He brought me out of dark places.  He came to me when I was at my lowest and He loved me even when I hated Him.  I'm getting into another subject now...but there is value in the relationship that I now have with God who is The Healer. 

So...I will remain committed to walking this path...to letting go of my identity as a victim...to surrendering my right to retribution.  I choose forgiveness over retaliation.  I choose to focus on the beauty and joy in this life and not on darkness and hopelessness. 

Man I could write so much more here...I think I could write about this for hours (and I have) but I want to add one last thing.  More than anything I don't want to make it sound like it's easy to forgive or to let go of the victim identity...it's not.  Well, if you tell me it was easy for you I won't argue...that's your experience, but for me it's been agonizing...painful.  My life is so transformed.  I have been on my knees sobbing with the pain of it at times... I don't ever want to make someone feel like I'm saying "just get better...just don't feel sorry for yourself...just get over it" (ever heard those words? I sure have).  My desire is to encourage. 
I guess if I don't end this here...I may never end it so.....

Today...

Today, during worship, I didn't stand and sing like I usually do.  I walked in after worship had already started, found a seat, and just sat in it.  I checked my Facebook (because I hadn't in like 30 minutes ya know) and then drank some water... then I just closed my eyes and started talking to Jesus.

Jesus rather quickly told me to just be quiet.  So I did. 

I was sitting there with my eyes closed, trying to be quiet...which is hard...because I like to talk and I don't particularly enjoy silence - especially in my mind.  There's always something going on up there...  I'm usually thinking about at least one thing (ok, let's be real...more like three things) and singing a song of some sort...planning out the next thing I will look up on Google.

But I did my best not to speak... ahem, think... and after a few moments of silence I began to see this picture.  I saw a hand, a left hand to be exact, and it was holding the tiniest little dot of light between the thumb and forefinger.  Before I could even wonder what this was...God began to speak to me about my creation.  He began telling me about how, during my creation, He considered many things.  He thought about how I would be, what I would look like, how tall I would be, the color of my hair and eyes....

Then I did speak ask Him something... something I have asked Him on many occasions... usually while I am sobbing and my heart feels broken - but today I asked Him out of curiosity - not from a place of pain or blame - but just because I want to know "Why did you make me?  Knowing all that would happen to me, why did you still make me?"

He said "I made you because I saw your beauty, and I couldn't leave you as your were.  I considered the cost.  I weighed the cost of your pain, what it would cost me, and I decided that it was worth it."

There was a sudden flash of...something...in me.  I asked Him "Cost you???  It cost me!!"

He quickly answered me "Your suffering is not only a cost to you.  I have paid a high price, because I have suffered with you.  I suffer greatly when children are hurt.  In the moment that I held your light in my hand, I knew everything that would happen to you, I knew what I would suffer for you, and I decided that you were worth it.  It was worth it all to have a relationship with you, to have you look at me with love.  I didn't just see those things, I also saw the choices you could make, I saw I saw your journey...I saw what you could become."

Let me stop here and say that I have struggled in the past with feeling worthless...I believed growing up that I was a mistake, an accident, a pariah - unwanted and unloved.  I'm not being dramatic here, just really stinkin vulnerable.

Now, it's been a while since I felt worthless.  The more I have learned to see myself the way God sees me - the less those thoughts and feelings have plagued me.  But God knows...He sees when there's even a speck of that old lie still floating around inside. 

This entire encounter was something that I frequently pray for the ones I love...it was an encounter with The Living God, Creator of the universe that left me so profoundly aware of His great love for me that I am changed. 

God did not just throw me together, put His breath in my lungs and then go on about His way.  He carefully considered the cost - both of the evil things that would be done to me, and the evil things that I would do - He was intentional and thoughtful.  He looked at the timeline of my life...looked at the roads that would be available for me to take (or not take) and in the end He chose to create me because it was worth it, I was worth it.  He looked forward to the possibility of a relationship with me and saw it as a beautiful thing.  He looked at me and saw beauty...not a stain. 

I understand that some will read this and think it's crazy...although they probably won't get this far.  That's ok... this was a deeply personal experience between God and myself.  It's actually a bit difficult to share because - with something that means so much to me...it's hard to make it vulnerable to others.  But, once again, God has asked me to share this part of it.  The rest is just between me and Him for now.

But here's the one thing you have to remember... This conversation could have been between God...and you.  Because you are this valuable to Him...He considered you just as deeply and decided you were worth it.  He looked forward to a relationship with you.

Every person on this earth is that valuable to Him...
I guess I will share this one last thing... if you've read this far...
you can share this one other thing with me...
after all our talking, when I was feeling so loved and valuable and wonderful...God told me
"I weighed the cost with them too" (referring to the ones who are responsible for all the suffering I mentioned earlier) when He said that I started crying all over again.
He said "I saw it all, I saw what they could become...I saw the cost of the suffering I would endure for them...and I decided that they were worth it."

I'm crying now even as I write this.  I've shared about my struggles with forgiveness... and I was praying about that very thing just last night.
God used this whole thing to show me how much He values me...but also how much He values them. No one is worthless to God.  If they were worthless, if they were incapable of having value to God - He wouldn't have created them.

This is a hard place to end this... but I don't have a whole lot more to say on this subject right now.  If you read all the way to the end...I'll say thank you because I know this was long and probably a bit choppy... I hope that it encourages you in some way...
It has changed me.
It still is changing me.



   

It's not fair...

Tonight, during worship at church, I started talking to God about an issue I'm facing. I've been asking Him what action to take about a specific issue...and I hadn't gotten an answer yet.  So I sat down...and asked "what do you want me to do" 

Mostly God talks to me through pictures.  Tonight was no different, and I didn't like the picture I saw.  I had a very specific idea of how I wanted God to answer me... ever been there?  Asking for an answer...but you've already got the answer that you desire packaged up...and nothing else will really do?  At least it feels like nothing else will do...

The truth is..my heart is His...and He knows it.  I am not perfect, by any means.  I am human and that very fact means that I am given to error, but my heart is His and He knows I will follow (eventually).  So I told God...I don't like this...I don't want to do this...but... I will do whatever you want me to do - no matter how much I don't want to.  But God...I need your help.

Then I started feeling all these emotions... I sat there, crying, telling God I was angry at Him.  Angry because I feel that what He is asking me to do isn't fair.  It's NOT FAIR!  Seriously...I felt like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.  My body was shaking with the anger that was so alive in me...and I told God I felt He was betraying me...throwing my hurt and pain away and turning His back on me when clearly He should be taking my side in this!

And then God told me "it's not about fair...it's about relationship" 

Guys - tonight...I almost audibly heard the words God was speaking to me.  I have never before experienced such a tangible clarity in hearing from God...and I think it's because He knew that I wouldn't hear Him on this any other way.  My faith for what He was saying...wasn't there.  My expectation was so set on that nice little answer I had gift-wrapped (ya know, so He could hand it to me all nice and pretty and painless?) that I needed that kind of clarity.

 While I was explaining to Him how unfair this was (clearly...it is unfair in the natural...even He didn't argue with me on that point) He said several things.  I want to share some of our conversation
I told him "It's not fair! You should be angry on my behalf.  I have a right to be angry!"
He said to me "It's not about fair...it's about relationship.  I am about relationship...not tearing apart"
I told him "this is going to end in me being hurt... again"
He said to me "I am not doing this to hurt you.  I wouldn't have you be hurt again"
I told him "This is not fair!!!"  (In case He didn't hear me maybe...)
He said to me "Do you trust me"
and I said... "No"

There's the truth of it.  In this particular situation...I don't trust God to have my back, to protect me, to bring beauty from ashes, to turn darkness to light...all those things He does on a daily basis.  But along with that lack of trust (which is rooted in a lie somewhere) I also have the knowledge and awareness that I CAN trust God, that He always cares about me.  See, I know that lack of trust is rooted in a lie because it goes against what I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD.  

So...here's to walking it out... to following His plan not mine... to speaking His words when mine sound better to me... to resting in His peace when there is chaos all around... to doing something that goes against every logical thought in my mind.  His way is better, I have to trust that.  His way brings redemption and healing and love and...every good and perfect thing there is. 

So God...I will do what you want me to do, even though I don't want to, I just need your help. 

The power of love...

I had a rather profound moment with one of my kids yesterday and I wanted to share it.

I walked into my classroom to find two children during a time when they were supposed to be outside.  I tell them to head outside to play.  One does, the other stays where she has planted herself...on the floor in the corner.

She has her backpack sitting next to her, she just arrived a few minutes ago and she did not give me a hug - which she does every single day.  She is being a little sulky and I ask her "why aren't you playing outside?"  She answers "I can't...because my leg hurts."  I say I'm sorry that her leg hurts, and remind her that she is not allowed to be in the classroom at this time, but we can sit outside together.

She has a colored pencil in her hand and I have already asked her, "Is that your pencil or mine?  It looks like my pencil."  She answered "It's mine, I brought it from home."

I tell her to put the pencil back in her bag because it looks like my pencil and I might confuse it and try to keep it, and say "After you put your pencil away come and sit with me!"  I can tell she is feeling down...she is never this sulky... I wonder if she's getting sick.

She comes, with the pencil and her backpack and sits in my lap... I ask what's wrong... no response.  I tell her I'm sorry she is not feeling well this morning and give her a hug.  She leaves her head on my shoulder, arms around my neck...acting like she is about to cry.  I hug her longer and tell her "I love you so much...and guess what...God loves you so much.  You are so special!  I'm sorry you are having a hard morning, but I am praying that it will get better."

She sits back...looks at me with tears in her eyes... and holds up the colored pencil.  She says "Ms. Cynthia... here."  I have this short moment of confusion and then I realize... she was taking it when I walked in.  I happened to walk in as she was about to place it in her backpack.  THAT is why she is so sad...she feels guilty.

I look at her and the tears in her eyes and I take the pencil.  I say "Oh, this was my pencil and you were going to take it home?"  She nods her head, so sad.  I ask her to look at my eyes and I tell her "I am so very proud of you right now.  Thank you so much.  Look at this good choice that you made.  I am proud of you for telling the truth and I love you just as much as I did before."

I was shocked...the bravery that it took for her to do that, tears in her eyes.  But the illustration that God gave me out of this... WOW.  In the midst of her doing something naughty... taking something that belongs to me, sinning against me... I showed her love.  I hugged her and comforted her and told her how loved she was.  She clearly saw that I believed that this was her pencil...but she chose, instead of keeping it, to face the shame of confessing her sin and giving it back to me.

God, let me be so brave as this sweet little 4 year old when I have made a mistake.  Let me be so anchored in your love and my awareness of your love for me that I bravely stand up in the face of my poor choices and make things right.  The power of love... there are no words to describe it.

I am thankful to God for the countless examples of his love for me that he is showing me day after day.  So very thankful!

It's a choice...

Sometimes God asks me to do things that make me uncomfortable.  Usually when that happens, I don’t really understand the purpose behind whatever it is that he is asking me to do.  Like…why does it matter if I say or do this specific thing?  But…I know there’s always a reason, even if I never find out what it is.  This is one of those things.  I don’t even know how this blog post will come out – but I have anxiety about posting it and it possibly making someone mad.  When I first felt like God was telling me to post about this subject, I was like “whoa…what if ________ reads it and gets mad at me?”  I still have a little anxiety about it, but the reality is…if God asked me to do it, then there’s a reason.  So here we go… Oh…FYI, I may leave what comes next without editing it much…or maybe not…but at this very moment…I have *no idea* how my words will come out on this issue.

Why is it ok for God to ask me to forgive someone who hurt me, a lot, even though that person has never apologized – and I doubt that they ever will.  Why is it ok for God to ask me to love that person and pray for them?  Why, when they should have never done what they did and won’t even take ownership of it, should I be kind to or speak kindly to this person?  Shouldn’t they have to at least say “I’m sorry”?  Or, if they can’t do that, then shouldn’t they at least admit that they did wrong?  Or, if they still can’t even do that, shouldn’t they at least say “I should have done something differently”? 

God is showing me where I am holding onto anger in my heart instead of forgiving.  One thing I have learned about forgiveness is that, like healing, it also happens in layers.  At least for me it does.  I started a few years ago with God showing me that he wanted me to forgive a specific person and it made me so angry.  It took me a few weeks (or was it months) to even be able to say to God “please put forgiveness in my heart for ____________ because I don’t have it” and it has grown from there.  And even though I have made so much progress in this area and I have walked down this road towards forgiveness, I guess I am still not there.  Seriously, how many times can I forgive this person before all the anger is gone?  Only it’s not anger.  Anger is just the safer thing to feel, it’s pain and grief. 

And to be honest I think to God “it’s not fair to ask me to share this with people when it hurts so much” but then…he has reasons even if I don’t know them.  So I am (once again) at a point where I would rather be angry at this person and remind myself of all the reasons why I have a right to be angry and how it’s not fair, it’s *not fair* that I should even have to think about forgiving.  I know all the stuff about how God forgave me and if God forgave me then I should forgive – but that makes no sense to my brain.  I know God sees sin as sin, but I have degrees of wrongness in my mind and some things are just too wrong to forgive and that’s all there is to it…end of story.

But then God reminds me that this pain that I feel and all these tears are only because I haven’t forgiven and he reminds me of the peace that is available.  And right now I am remembering the moments when I have had these huge revelations of how forgiveness isn’t for the other person it’s for me.  It makes me whole, not them.  It gives me peace, it allows me to love, it helps me to let go of lies that I have believed.  But even remembering those things doesn’t make it easy.  (Or even make me want to forgive)

I think (and have many, many times) why can’t I just not ever speak to that person again?  But then I remember (again) that the pain would still be there.  Why can’t God just take the pain and allow me to keep my anger?  Isn’t it justified?  But what purpose would the anger have if it doesn’t have pain to cover up?  And if forgiveness helps so much, then why do I go through this struggle more than once?  And why can’t I seem to get to the end of it?  Can’t I just say “God, I forgive ____________ for every single thing that they ever did or said that caused me pain.” End of story.  I think that won’t work because forgiveness only works when you know what you are forgiving and you make a choice to forgive specifically for that pain. 

And I think (I could be wrong, but I think this is the truth) that the pain comes up again because there is a new lie that is being revealed that needs healing.  I could cover a wall with the lies that God has healed me from, and there have been tears almost every time.  I think that with the revealing of a new lie that has taken root in my heart, there is pain (more pain with some lies than with others) and then the choice to forgive must be made regarding the hurt that is associated with that lie/pain. 

I don’t even know what the lie is this time…what keeps coming to mind is that this person never loved me or cared about me.  But to me that doesn’t feel like a lie, it feels like the truth.  Maybe that’s something I will have to work out with God.  I have learned to ask him “what is the lie that I need to break here?” and he will always show me.  Ok – I think that is all.  To be really honest, I’m not sure how I feel about posting this (and maybe I secretly hope that the internet will go down…it certainly crashes enough when I want it to work properly) but if I know anything for sure…it’s that God knows what needs to happen (way way way) better than I do.   

Nothing is impossible

I have wanted to make a blog post for two days now…but when I stop to think “what will I write?” the answer is…”I don’t know.”  So I am just going to start typing and see what comes out…

The thoughts that keep rolling around in my mind over and over have to do with how much I need God…how very necessary my relationship with him is.  How only HE can take the pieces of a shattered life and create something entirely new and unbelievable.  How only HE can take someone totally broken and (seemingly) worthless and recreate their life.  But what is the one necessary “ingredient” that only we (as that broken, “worthless” person) have to put into it?  Willingness. 

So…when is it too late?  How far is “too far”?  Where is the cut-off?  When does God stomp his foot at us and say “that’s it…I’m done with you.”?  What sin pushes it over the edge and makes us so bad that God will turn away in disgust and refuse to forgive us?  I used to believe I was there…too far gone, but God has dramatically changed my life…so who can he *not* do that for?

I heard someone talk this weekend about “nothing is impossible” and how that relates to people.  He talked about the value and destiny in each person’s life.  At first I thought “yeah, that’s good” and then I felt God asking me if there was anyone that I didn’t feel that way about.  At first I was like “no!  I believe that all people are valuable and that everyone has a destiny”, but I kept feeling God pushing me on that question.  Then I thought of someone.  And my first reaction was “God, that’s not fair…you know how  that person is and that they won’t ever change”.  I felt God ask me…”so what if they don’t…do you believe they have a destiny to fulfill…a purpose...value?”

Wow…it really hurt to see what anger and bitterness (that I honestly thought I had dealt with) towards a person has done in my heart.  When someone hurts you repeatedly…it’s instinct to shut them out and protect yourself…and, just to be clear,  I would never imply that God doesn’t want us to protect ourselves from physical harm.  But there is this deeper thing that happens, without us even making an effort we make these determinations about that person.  They are ________ (fill in the blank…worthless, bad, never going to change, not worth my time, mean, horrible, evil).  And then our heart becomes hardened towards them.  I’m sure I am not the only one who has walked down this road…so I probably can stop there with how we start to feel about that person.

So…this person that God keeps bringing up to me…can I love them?  Pray for them?  Truly, honestly desire good things for them?  Pray for them to know how much God loves them…and mean it?  I can, but it hurts.  Why does it hurt my heart so much?  I think it’s because I have used this anger and bitterness to cover up the hurt that I felt, and when I allow God’s love for that person to come into my heart…the hurt that I never fully dealt with is uncovered.  I know that only God can heal that hurt…and I know that he will as I continue to hand it over to him.

I will be honest, there is a part of me that wants to stomp my foot (well…throw an all-out fit is more like it) and tell God “it’s not fair to ask me to love that person.  It’s not fair…why did you have to uncover this?  Why couldn’t it just stay there…it wasn’t hurting anyone!”  True…it wasn’t hurting the one who hurt me…but God loves me so much that he is unwilling to leave these things covered up…things that I didn’t even know were there.  Like I said, I thought I had dealt with the anger and bitterness…I thought it was gone…but he showed me a hidden area that had taken root in my heart.  It wasn’t affecting my daily life…wasn’t making me sad or angry or depressed or anything at all…but he loves me *too much* to just leave it.  It’s like infection that has come in after a surgery…it’s small…contained…not affecting much of anything, but eventually it will grow and take ground…invading everything around it.

So I come all the way back to what I started with…what do I have to “do” for God to change my life?  I have to take his outstretched hand and agree to follow him…even when it’s painful.  I have to agree to partner with him and seek HIM first, above all other things.  Someone once said to me “God is a gentleman, he will never force you.”  I believe that God wants amazing things for every single one of us…he has a breath-taking destiny and JOY for each of us…but he will not force us to walk in it, he gives us a choice.  And one last thing…the answer to “when is it too late, too much?”; it’s not…ever.  It’s never too late as long as you are still breathing and thinking.  God has his hand out, asking you to take it.  It’s never too late to accept his life altering love for you.