Expectations...

I have some pretty high expectation for myself.  Like...sometimes...these expectations walk the line of perfection.  And while I am pretty amazing... I am far from perfect.  So this morning I was reading in a devotional and...as sometimes happens... I read this one sentence that has now been bouncing around in my mind for a while... (I can't be the only one who experiences this "whoa! that is amazing" feeling and then spends a whole day - or week - contemplating something...)

What I was reading was basically asking if the ends justify the means.  If the outcome is "good" (a relative term...sure) does it matter how you get there?  In the middle of the paragraph was this sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do."  I read that sentence...and then I read it again, and again... and then my mind started gluing it together with some things I've been contemplating this morning - namely...  Why do I still struggle with my identity and value???   Here's how it went in my head: I read that sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do" and my mind went to "Just like God cares as much about the journey I am walking as He does about the finish" then to "God is happy to walk with me as I continue to learn my identity and value...He is not disappointed that I'm not 'there' yet".

In the past, I have struggled quite a bit with guilt and shame over why I haven't made enough progress in some area...or why I still struggle in some area.  Why am I not perfect???  It seems silly to say it that way...why am I not perfect... but that is sort of what I expect from myself at times, and let's be real... as long as I am living...I will fall far short of perfection.  I am not saying that I should just go along and do whatever I feel like doing...I've lived that life and it led me to some pretty unhappy places, but at the same time...I shouldn't beat myself up for the fact that I'm not perfect.

Back to my thoughts this morning - before I read that one sentence - about my value and identity.  At one time, I had a very dismal view of my value and identity...that has changed drastically, and because of these drastic changes... I don't get into that guilt and shame (over just about anything) the way that I used to...but still sometimes I can feel the tugging of those old thoughts "what is wrong with me?  if I worked at this harder it would be better by now.  why can't I just get over _______?"

Darkness that is familiar to us will often try to drag us back into old thought patterns.  Thankfully...I recognize it almost immediately now.  Where I used to spend days (weeks...longer?) upset with myself because I had failed in some way or hadn't reached some goal; I now am able to look on the progress that I have made and thank God that whatever mistake or misstep occurred is taking me closer to healing.

Sometimes, I can get so focused on the finish line that I can't see the race.  My vision is so zoned in on the end goal that I don't value each step that is taking me closer to it.  There is value in the journey that I am walking.  Each step has value... even if it feels like a step in the wrong direction. I can never reach the finish line without each step that takes me towards it. 

So... today I am thankful that, even though I still have some things to learn about who I am and how valuable I am, I have learned so much about my identity and value over the past few years.  Also, I choose to be thankful that I am currently walking through some lessons that will take me even closer to finding  my value not in other people...but in God alone.  One step closer to perfection y'all  ;)

Transformation...

If you can't tell from reading my blog...I have a lot of words in me.  One way they come out is writing here...but that's only when God drops something on me that He wants me to share... another way those words get out is talking (I do love to talk y'all), journaling also provides a perfect outlet for processing of words.

I have done a lot of processing through writing over the years.  I've also done a lot of changing, a lot!  That has been on my mind a bit lately.  I ask God for a word for each year, sort of an alternative to the new years resolution thing.  My word for 2016 is Transformation and  when God gave me that word He told me that this would be a year for deeper healing.  Man...am I seeing that!  I literally feel that I am at the finish line with some things.  I feel I am getting deeper levels of healing and wholeness.

But here's the thing about healing...it hurts - which makes sense when you consider the fact that healing is only necessary when there is a wound.  It's not easy.  It's hard work.  Personally, I believe that healing is a long-term commitment and I applaud each and every person that chooses to walk down this difficult path. This is a long intro because...what I'm going to write about could be a little offensive.  Maybe it's still a little offensive to me. Well...if I'm honest - and I am...very honest - it is offensive to me.  But...here we go.

In order to heal - I have to be willing to let go of the identity that I had from being a victim.

This is a huge part of the struggle...it has been for me anyway.  I have struggled with this idea because..well...I guess because it feels so unfair that I should have to work so hard to undo something that was done to me.  But maybe even that statement walks the line of victim mentality.  But let's just be really real for a moment... it's not fair.  It will never be fair that the victim is left to pick up the pieces and put their life back together.  It sucks.  End of story. 

But...the truth is this - regardless of who hurt me, regardless of how they hurt me, regardless of how old I was when they hurt me... only *I* can choose to pick myself up and change my life.  And that is HARD TO DO!  No, it's not fair...but the way I see it, I only have two options: 1) I can stay in my suffering and anger, wall the world off to protect myself and remain miserable or 2) I can choose to believe that I can create a better future for myself by working towards healing.

It has been a long journey.  I was relatively young  when I came to the realization that the only way my life would get better was if I worked hard to change some things.  Even at a young age I knew that I did not want to continue the behaviors I had grown up with; I wanted to provide a better life for my own children, and I knew that in order to do that...I would need to work on myself. Even with that realization and a strong desire to not see the same patterns continue in my life...I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to give up... the number of times I have gotten so angry and wanted to just sort of throw a temper tantrum...because it's not fair. 

It took me a long time to see that I was living as a victim.  And when I started realizing that...I became angry all over again.  I had done so much work towards healing in my life and then realized that in order to make more progress...I had to basically let go of the identity that I had become accustomed to.  I had to let go of the idea that someone, somewhere owed me something in return for my suffering.  I had to walk away from my anger and desire for retribution...and embrace forgiveness.  I had to turn my thoughts away from an expectation to be disappointed and hurt...and instead...learn to look for and expect good things.  And that made me so angry.

I had grown so accustomed to my anger and to the "I don't care" mask that I had been wearing for pretty much my entire life...that letting go of it was extremely uncomfortable.  But I kept going...I kept walking and making an effort (not always my best effort but an effort all the same) to be different.  So with all of that...and this long path I've been walking down...with all the transformation and change that has taken place in my life...  Let's go back to my talk of journaling...

One week ago, I was writing in my journal...and God let me know that I am still identifying as a victim in some areas (insert surprised face).  So here I am...well over a decade into working to change my life, almost a decade since I became friends with Jesus...and still I have areas where I identify as a victim!  That's crazy to me!!  I used to think there would come this day when I would be *poof* healed and no longer have any issues, never be unhappy, skipping through a field of flowers...a huge smile on my face that will never again waver or fall... 

At least I can laugh about it now.  Because now I see that this transformation is step by step...and it's ok that it's not all at once...in fact I think there is a value in the long-term.  I'm not walking this path to healing for 30 days then passing through the door to a new life...where I can forget the struggle and skip around and enjoy my new life - leaving all the ugliness on the other side of that door.  No...this is a commitment...it's my life.  The value in that long-term walk is that I don't lose who I used to be in the transformation, and that I gain a relationship with the one who is healing me.

At one point in my life, I saw no value in the experiences of my past...I honestly wanted to wipe all of those memories from my life and begin a new life where I could pretend that none of those things happened.  That I was never that person...but... I was that person.  No amount of healing or change can remove the past.  And here is the value in that... There is power in the things that God has done in my life.  God saved me...He brought me out of dark places.  He came to me when I was at my lowest and He loved me even when I hated Him.  I'm getting into another subject now...but there is value in the relationship that I now have with God who is The Healer. 

So...I will remain committed to walking this path...to letting go of my identity as a victim...to surrendering my right to retribution.  I choose forgiveness over retaliation.  I choose to focus on the beauty and joy in this life and not on darkness and hopelessness. 

Man I could write so much more here...I think I could write about this for hours (and I have) but I want to add one last thing.  More than anything I don't want to make it sound like it's easy to forgive or to let go of the victim identity...it's not.  Well, if you tell me it was easy for you I won't argue...that's your experience, but for me it's been agonizing...painful.  My life is so transformed.  I have been on my knees sobbing with the pain of it at times... I don't ever want to make someone feel like I'm saying "just get better...just don't feel sorry for yourself...just get over it" (ever heard those words? I sure have).  My desire is to encourage. 
I guess if I don't end this here...I may never end it so.....

All from a tree...

Sometimes I feel like God speaks some pretty profound words through some not-so-profound situations/things. Today I was driving down a road that I walk every morning and I noticed something for the first time. There are these trees...who knows how old they are but they aren't young...and they have barbed wire through them. At some point, a barbed wire fence was swallowed by these trees and even though the fence is no longer there (in its original form at least) these pieces of barbed wire are a part of these trees now.

That image stuck with me the rest of the night. These trees are still living...still growing...still producing new leaves, new branches and seeds to create new trees...basically - these trees are still doing what God created them to do - they are are being trees. 

The barbed wire is still there...sticking out  and visible - but it doesn't prevent the tree from fulfilling its purpose as a tree.  I've had lots of "barbed wire" in my life - things that were painful and scarring. Some of those scars you can see with your eyes, but most you can't. The scars you can see don't bother me anymore...I honestly forget they are even there unless someone asks...but the invisible scars...those are the ones that still impact on my life on a daily basis. 

I used to believe that the damage created by that "barbed wire" had changed me in such a way as to make me incapable of some things...that it prevented me from being a certain way, or from having some things in my life.  But, just like those trees that continued growing in spite of the barbed wire, remained whole in spite of the barbed wire, and continued to fulfill their purpose as trees...in spite of the barbed wire... I have learned that in spite of the barbed wire in my life - I am still fully capable of fulfilling every purpose that God has placed inside of me. I am fully capable of being the person that God created me to be. 

All the lies that were rooted in my heart as a result of that barbed wire from my past had me convinced that I would never be able to give or receive love - and look at my life now. I LOVE with my whole heart and have amazing relationships with so many people.  Another lie was that I would never be happy/have joy - but my life is so filled with joy.  I love my life...I am so stinking happy!!  I won't list all the lies...but each one is just as false as the last. 

Basically...those trees just have me thinking of how - no matter what the barbed wire is in my life - no matter how bad a thing hurt in the past or hurts me now - I am still able to walk in and fulfill the destiny that God has planned out for my life. Nothing will keep me from that as long as I am keeping my eyes on him. No matter what pain you have had, or have now, nothing disqualifies you from God's plan for your life. 

The end of this chapter...

About 10 months ago...I had just arrived in Tanzania and I was sitting down to try and create this blog.  I couldn't think of a name for it and I was asking God to give me one.  Naming my blog felt like a big deal to me and I wanted the name to mean something.  I was drinking out of a coffee cup and was just sitting staring at it and reading the verse on it over and over and...that's where the name of my blog came from.

Isaiah 43:1
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

I love this verse - it reminds me of some very important facts.
1) God has redeemed me completely
2) He has summoned me, by name...me - specifically
3) I belong to him and he loves me!

That verse has special meaning to me now :)  But, I'll be honest... I never remembered the "address" of the verse.  I forgot that it was in Isaiah for sure... I only remembered what it meant to me.

But then about a week and half ago I was talking to God and I asked him for a verse.  All I got was 432... so I looked at page 432 of my Bible.  That wasn't it.  But I know that 432 was right... So I just started looking at each book of the Bible...4th chapter...and looking for verse 32.  Nothing... so I started looking at chapter 43, verse 2.  As soon as I got to Isaiah 43:2... I knew I'd found it.



Isaiah 43:2
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fires of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

So I took a picture with my phone, so that I could read this verse any time - even when I wasn't at home with my Bible. I've read it, I don't know how many times... and yesterday I decided I wanted to find an image to set as the lock screen on my phone.  So I started searching online and one of the first images that came up had Isaiah 43:1-2 on it.  Until that moment...I had no clue that the verse I had been looking at for over a week was the continuation of the one that God had given me almost a year ago.

I am still mulling over the fact that God gave me a verse when I first arrived here, and then gave me the continuation of it right before I am leaving for the U.S.  It is a reminder for me of those three facts contained in verse 1...and a reminder for me that God is always thinking of me.

It feels sort of like those verses are the first and last pages of a chapter... so much has happened between those two verses...those two pages.  This chapter is so full!  My life has been changed forever; I have been changed forever.

I can't wait to see how the next year unfolds!  God is good :)

So it's my birthday...

Today is my birthday.  I have had such a wonderful day, completely filled with friends loving on me and spending time with me.  (Quality time is for sure one of my main love languages)

During this day...I have been filled with joy and thankfulness.  But...my birthday used to be one my least favorite days of the year.  I used to dread birthdays and the time leading up to my birthday is still a painful time for me.

But today...as I thanked God for the fact that I am alive...I actually thanked him for the fact that I was born.  I have never in my life expressed gratitude for that - and today those words just came out when I was thanking God for this day. 

In the past, I routinely questioned God's judgement in regards to my birth.  I believed that God had either made a mistake, or had nothing to do with my creation at all.  I used to say that I wished I had never been born...that I hadn't lived.  And today for the first time I actually thanked God that I was born.

My life used to mean nothing to me...I wanted to throw it away.  I had chosen to end my life at one point because I was tired of the pain that I lived in every day.  I believed that my life had no value or worth and birthdays only served to remind me that...had I never been born, I wouldn't have had to live with the memory of so many painful experiences. 

So...I just wanted to take a few minutes to share the fact that my life has been drastically changed...to the point that I am so thankful that I am still alive.  Thankful that God saved me...thankful that I was born!!!  God can redeem anything, even the most unfair things.  He can heal the deepest wounds and make what seems like a worthless life into something amazing and wonderful.  Because of what God has done in my life, I know that he is capable of all things.  He can bring life where there is death, and turn the darkness to light!

I am thankful that God created me, that he saved me...and that he LOVES me!

New life...

What’s on my mind tonight is…pregnancy and new life.  I was thinking about how when you reach those last several weeks of pregnancy…the weight of the pregnancy can just be overwhelming…your body aches and you are tired...you can’t get comfortable…you can even get to the point where everything you eat makes you feel a little sick. 

And what comes next…labor and birth – those are painful!  Labor pains will make you forget all about the pain you had the week before and not being able to find a comfortable position so you can sleep.  But there is a purpose to it…a brand new life.  All of this pain...weeks of it, sometimes months…has a purpose, and it brings this new life into the world.

I’m thinking of how much this is like the struggle to overcome…well…so many things.  A bad habit, sin, negative behavior, addiction, offense, you name it.  You start out (sometimes) so excited and pumped to make this change in your life…and near the end you might be kicking and screaming…wondering who’s idea this was anyway.  But the reality is, change in my life is up to me.  There is really nothing that another person can do to force me to change…and God certainly isn’t going to force me.  So sometimes when I get to that point of looking around and wondering who’s bright idea all this was…I just have to look in the mirror.

I started out 2013 praying this prayer, fully desiring it in my heart “God, change my heart to be what you want it to be…mold me into the person you want me to be”.  And then things started kind of falling apart in April…and then by July things were really falling apart.  I was not in a good place for a few months and I didn’t really talk to anyone about it.  I went to a church conference one night and the speaker stopped while he was talking, pointed me out and told me “what you are going through right now, you asked God for this.”  I thought he was crazy and my face probably told him that…he encouraged me to ask God right then to show me…so I just stopped for a second and asked God…”if this is true, please show me” and immediately I was watching myself pray that prayer asking God to mold me into the person he wanted me to be.

I was blown away because I had spent the last 3 months angry and really kind of fighting God…I wasn’t doing anything to help this change along…in fact I was holding onto the old me, digging my nails and in and fighting with all I had to stay there.  So I started praying for God to show me how I could work *with* him on this.  After all…he was just setting up opportunities for me to grow and change into the person I wanted to be…which was the person HE wanted me to be.  So I made a decision the next day to be intentional with my actions in partnering with God on this. 

It was painful, it wasn’t easy…but the depression and anger lifted and I found joy again.  What happened was…I reached the difficult stage of the “pregnancy” and I just stopped…so it’s basically like (in my view) I caused myself to have to spend 3-4 months at that most uncomfortable stage of the pregnancy…refusing to birth the new life that was waiting to come.  Obviously, this isn’t possible with a physical pregnancy…but it is very possible with a spiritual one :) 

I really should be asleep right now…but I felt like this was important to share right now.  Overcoming is a journey, one that I’m still on.  One thing I have learned (without a doubt) is that when I am actively searching my heart for anything that doesn’t bring God glory…anything that brings me down, etc…I will find ugly things that I would sometimes rather not look at – BUT – another thing I have learned (without a doubt!!!) is that God’s love for me is so much bigger than those ugly things.  So much bigger that they are like dust to be blown away.  His love can overcome…and he can redeem anything!

A new thing...

I am in the process of learning a new language, and tonight I have all these (super-deep) thoughts in my head about how learning a new language is so much like the process of healing…or whatever you want to call it when you take the messy parts of your life and try to make them less messy.  I call that healing, probably because that’s what others have called it.  But it’s something that we all do right?  We all have trauma and we all have to heal from it. 

One discussion that I have had with many people, on many occasions: there is no level of trauma that is “too small” to be considered.  Trauma is trauma and we all have it.  At first glance it may not make much sense, but it’s only our minds that put levels and degrees on everything and make this worse; or that better.  It’s only our minds that say “you think you have it bad, you don’t know bad…wait till you hear what happened to me.”  Your worst experience is your worst experience…and, sure…maybe when you put it next to someone else’s worst experience it suddenly doesn’t seem so bad anymore – but it’s still your worst.  Whatever caused you the most pain, ever in your life, is just as bad as whatever caused me that level of pain in my life.  Only one of those things might be dramatic enough for a lifetime movie marathon – but the level of pain it caused is still the same…in my opinion.  (oh…and just fyi…you cannot convince me I’m wrong on this…it’s not possible.  So I guess this isn’t really an opinion, it’s more of a belief)

So – back to my purpose – sorry for all the words.

To me - learning a new language is a lot like the healing process (like how I summarized first thought there?) because I hear a new word in Swahili and my mind tries to relate it to an English word – but they may be totally different (for example “–lake” goes onto the end a word to specify ownership and my mind wants to relate it to “lake”.  The two aren’t even similar) and I realize that if I try to memorize it this way…the meaning of this new word is going to get all jumbled up in my mind and confused at some point.  It’s like that with healing.  If you have a learned, unhealthy, way of coping and you set out to change that, it’s easy to just relate the old unhealthy behavior to a new behavior…and then it becomes unhealthy too.

I experienced this in my own life.  For a long time, I never even stopped to consider if the way that I was surviving life (because that’s all I was doing…surviving, not living) was healthy or not.  I didn’t really have time to care because I was too busy with all the craziness going on.  Eventually – with the help of a trained professional – I recognized that I needed to remove some harmful behaviors from my life.  But no matter what I did I ended up with only slightly less unhealthy behaviors.  The problem was - my desire for the way the behavior made me feel and my need for something more was still there, so I was just taking the new “healthy” behavior and searching for ways to have it make me just as “good” as the old one did.  I was relating the new thing to the old thing, and thereby corrupting the new thing. 

Skip forward a few years…I now had a relationship with God.  I now knew that I had been searching all along for something to fill a void that he fit perfectly into.  But my relationship with him suffered because I was constantly stuck in old, negative behaviors.  I knew they weren’t healthy, I knew they created a wall between me and him – but I couldn’t get away from them.  Then one day, I was driving to work and I was repeating a verse in my head about how the old has passed away and I am made new in Christ.  I felt this desperation come over me and I told Jesus “I can’t wait until I am new and the old is gone” and his reply to me was basically “I can’t wait until you realize that you have BEEN new…it’s done…the old IS GONE…you just don’t realize it”.

I had to think on that for a while.  How could I be new…when I was still behaving the same old ways?  Because… I was still relating the new thing to the old thing, and…you guessed it - corrupting the new thing.  My mind thought that I had to still be the same old person because that’s who I had always been.    This next part offended my mind quite a bit – but here it is… all I had to do was stop giving in to the temptation to return to these old behaviors.  But that seemed impossible to me…that I could turn around and walk the other way.  My mind couldn’t grasp the fact that there was a brand new me already in place that didn’t need those old things anymore.  I had already learned a new language and didn’t even need the old one anymore…but I was too afraid to step out and start using the new words!  To go one step further…I couldn’t even see the new language because I was focusing so hard on the old one!!!  This realization was so freeing for me.  It opened huge doors in my healing and allowed me to step past some negative things that had seemed to be glued to me before.  I was able to drop them and walk away. 

So – this may have gotten a bit rambly…maybe my path was a little twisty  :) but I think you get the point I am trying to share.  Maybe it’s more like three points – 

1. We all are broken in some way…there’s no shame in that.  Even if we end up broken into tiny pieces, there’s no shame.  It’s just that much more amazing when God creates a *new* life out of the broken pieces.
2. Our minds cannot grasp or comprehend the healing, restoring power of the Holy Spirit and what all is possible when we surrender to God.
3. Sometimes, all it takes is seeing ourselves the way GOD sees us.  If we would live like we are the person HE sees…man…what a changed world this would be!

Wait..I’ll add a fourth point – feeling temptation to sin isn’t the same as sinning.  (That one took me a while.)

Ok…I hope this isn’t too jumbled...I actually think it’s quite amazing just because of the emotion that’s attached to it for me.  (strong ones just so you know)  God is all powerful…there is nothing that he cannot do.  He is most certainly in the business of reclaiming, restoring and redeeming.