Stinky things...

I've mentioned before that God talks to me through some strange things at times...well...my mind is currently expanding again (that's how it feels...sometimes when this happens I think I can almost feel things moving around up there; making room for a greater awareness of one thing or another) and I wanted to share.

Last night I was sort of watching, and mostly listening to this cartoon movie while I was working on a project.  There was this character in the movie...he was a "half-Barron" and he had this little mosquito the rode around on his shoulder.  This mosquito was annoying to the guy, he was smelly and gross, and he also, as mosquitoes do, drank the guys blood.  The man had been cursed...because of his extreme pride... and the only way to remove the mosquito from his shoulder was that the man had to agree with the mosquito...just once... about anything.  When asked why he wouldn't just agree with the mosquito on something to get rid of this nuisance, he replied that he was far too important to lower himself to agreeing with a tiny mosquito.

I didn't pay a lot of attention to that, other than thinking it was a bit silly, until a scene in the movie when the half-Barron - in a moment where the group is being threatened - says that he will be in charge and save the group.  Then the mosquito agrees, yes, the half-Barron should be in charge.  Then...with the enemy closing in, the half-Barron emphatically declares that he is not in charge and will not be in charge.  So the group is standing there, threat looming...until the mosquito says something along the lines of "ok...you are a horrible choice for a leader" at which point the half-Barron decides to be the leader again and helps the group.

Now... I had to run that back and watch that scene play out a second time so that I could pay attention to it...he was willing to allow himself and the group to be harmed just so that he didn't have to agree with this mosquito!  That started some things rolling around and I felt this question bloom in my mind "what nasty parasites am I carrying around all because I don't want to 'lower myself' to acknowledge their presence?"

What stinky have I become so accustomed to carrying with me that rarely smell them?  Jealousy is pretty stinky... do I allow it to leave a displeasing odor on me and drive a wedge between myself and others?  What about all those self-depreciating thoughts...those don't smell that great.  If I don't confront those and replace them with the truth of what God says about me...they can make me smell so bad that it will affect every relationship I have.  Or anger...all those outbursts - even if they are just in my mind - when someone frustrates me while I'm being the best driver ever. 

The list goes on...and I could put quite a few things here, let's be honest, we all could...but I think another important point in dealing with all those stinky things is this: what you focus on becomes your focus.  So if I am trying to up-root one of those smelly things from my life... beating myself up about it and asking "what's wrong with me that I still struggle with _______" isn't going to help much.  Focusing on the truth of who God has made me to be, on the other hand, seems to be the quickest method of bringing that truth into fruitfulness in my life.

The thing is... all these smelly little things...they grow over time... I think it's sort of like a garden...I have to tend the garden of my heart and pull up those little stink-weeds as soon as they sprout.  Their goal is to choke out joy, peace, love, and every other good-smelling thing that God helps me to plant there.  When I cultivate and tend those positive, life-bringing things... that also goes a long way towards keeping the stinky ones at bay.

I have another mind-expanding blog swirling around up there...but I'll save it for another day.  :)

The movie I am referring to is Hero Quest...I'm not trying to steal their story, just use a small part that I thought was powerful.  ;)

Expectations...

I have some pretty high expectation for myself.  Like...sometimes...these expectations walk the line of perfection.  And while I am pretty amazing... I am far from perfect.  So this morning I was reading in a devotional and...as sometimes happens... I read this one sentence that has now been bouncing around in my mind for a while... (I can't be the only one who experiences this "whoa! that is amazing" feeling and then spends a whole day - or week - contemplating something...)

What I was reading was basically asking if the ends justify the means.  If the outcome is "good" (a relative term...sure) does it matter how you get there?  In the middle of the paragraph was this sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do."  I read that sentence...and then I read it again, and again... and then my mind started gluing it together with some things I've been contemplating this morning - namely...  Why do I still struggle with my identity and value???   Here's how it went in my head: I read that sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do" and my mind went to "Just like God cares as much about the journey I am walking as He does about the finish" then to "God is happy to walk with me as I continue to learn my identity and value...He is not disappointed that I'm not 'there' yet".

In the past, I have struggled quite a bit with guilt and shame over why I haven't made enough progress in some area...or why I still struggle in some area.  Why am I not perfect???  It seems silly to say it that way...why am I not perfect... but that is sort of what I expect from myself at times, and let's be real... as long as I am living...I will fall far short of perfection.  I am not saying that I should just go along and do whatever I feel like doing...I've lived that life and it led me to some pretty unhappy places, but at the same time...I shouldn't beat myself up for the fact that I'm not perfect.

Back to my thoughts this morning - before I read that one sentence - about my value and identity.  At one time, I had a very dismal view of my value and identity...that has changed drastically, and because of these drastic changes... I don't get into that guilt and shame (over just about anything) the way that I used to...but still sometimes I can feel the tugging of those old thoughts "what is wrong with me?  if I worked at this harder it would be better by now.  why can't I just get over _______?"

Darkness that is familiar to us will often try to drag us back into old thought patterns.  Thankfully...I recognize it almost immediately now.  Where I used to spend days (weeks...longer?) upset with myself because I had failed in some way or hadn't reached some goal; I now am able to look on the progress that I have made and thank God that whatever mistake or misstep occurred is taking me closer to healing.

Sometimes, I can get so focused on the finish line that I can't see the race.  My vision is so zoned in on the end goal that I don't value each step that is taking me closer to it.  There is value in the journey that I am walking.  Each step has value... even if it feels like a step in the wrong direction. I can never reach the finish line without each step that takes me towards it. 

So... today I am thankful that, even though I still have some things to learn about who I am and how valuable I am, I have learned so much about my identity and value over the past few years.  Also, I choose to be thankful that I am currently walking through some lessons that will take me even closer to finding  my value not in other people...but in God alone.  One step closer to perfection y'all  ;)