That bitterness though...

I recently posted a blog about some of the struggles that I have been going through because of a cyst on my ovary.  I have learned, and am still learning, some valuable lessons from this experience on trust, fear, hearing God, listening for God...the list goes on.  But I want to share with you a lesson on bitterness.

I have struggled with bitterness...a lot.  I've shared before that I have had difficulties in my life - haven't we all - and I've shared that I've been hurt by people - again...not uncommon, who hasn't experienced pain at the actions or words of another person, whether it was intentional or not?  My childhood was difficult and bitterness was rooted in my life at an early age.  It has taken me a long time to get away from the thinking of "why me?" or "why not me?".

Why does she get that and I don't?  Why did that have to happen to me?  Those type of thoughts are never productive.  Every single human has them at some point...but I let these thoughts have free reign in my mind and emotions for quite some time.  Breaking the pattern and habit of those thoughts, to bring the focus of my thoughts around to the things in my life that I can be thankful for has taken lot's of work with God. 

I already shared that, when I found out about the cyst, I had a conversation with God about how this entire situation would be so different if I was married and already had children... I told Him that I don't understand why that hasn't happened yet... I want, very much to have a family, and He knows that.  Two days after I found out about the cyst... I was preparing to leave the house, I suddenly had this flash of anger and hurt feelings and I told God "I don't want to see a bunch of pregnant women today... I don't want to see one person post on Facebook that they just found out they are pregnant... and I don't want to see a bunch of people with babies either... ok?"

You know what He said to me?  He said "I want you to pray for women who are trying to get pregnant"  Like... what?  Seriously, He said that to me... when I was in the middle of crying because I was afraid I was about to lose the ability to become pregnant myself.  Who does that???  I stopped and told Him... "I don't want to do that God.  That's not fair... that I should have to pray for other women to have the very thing that I want...and may be losing!"  and then I said... "ok... but I need you to help me,"

I got the idea to go to Facebook and post asking if any women were trying to get pregnant and wanted prayer...to message me.  So, before I left the house, I did that.  Within a couple of days I had a list of 15 women...and I started praying for them every night.  The first few days - I will admit - were hard.  Very little in me wanted to do this...except that I *knew* God was asking me to do it..and I wanted to obey.  A few days into it... I was praying and God told me a specific woman was going to be pregnant within that month...and I felt like even that same week.  I wrote it down, and I anxiously waited to hear the news... That same woman announced her pregnancy on Thanksgiving!!!  The excitement of waiting for her announcement sort of made me forget that nagging jealous feeling... it turned to joy and expectation instead.

Out of this... something amazing has happened.  An area where I have, with pretty valid reasons, struggled with bitterness... is now an area where I am excited to pray for others to see breakthrough.  Where I have struggled so much with jealousy and great sadness...  I'm not struggling anymore.  To me...that's a pretty amazing breakthrough!  That, my friends, is beauty for ashes...joy for mourning!!!

I think this act of praying for others to have the very thing I have lost, and have feared I am losing forever, has broken something off of me...at least in that specific area.  It's broken off this thought that - if she gets what I want...then there may not be enough left for me to have it as well.  You know that thought?  It gets buried down in there sometimes and I don't even think I was consciously aware that I was thinking it...but really that's what I think is going on when someone has or gets something we ourselves want and, instead of feeling joyful for them, we feel jealous and hurt.  Why would someone else's blessing make me feel somehow "less than" unless I have this broken belief in me that there isn't enough for both of us...

I am excited at this lesson because that ugly little jealous, hurt feeling is something I have wanted to be free from for a long time.  I'm not saying this is a method that will rid me of that in every area of my life, but choosing to pray for someone to be blessed surely doesn't leave much room for jealousy and sadness when their blessing comes! 

The desire of my heart is to pour out on others the love that God has poured into me...and I don't want the pouring out to be clogged up with things like jealousy and rejection.  I understand how those things got so deeply rooted into me... but now it's time for them to be gone for good!  There is no limit to the blessings that God can, and will, pour out onto us.  He enjoys surprising us with blessings in a way that leave us in awe of His power and love for us...and I want to be more intentional about partnering with Him in that and seeking ways that I can be a blessing to others.  God, please help me to always remember that there is enough for everyone... for her and for me... and that her blessing doesn't, in any way, diminish what you have for me!!!

Stinky things...

I've mentioned before that God talks to me through some strange things at times...well...my mind is currently expanding again (that's how it feels...sometimes when this happens I think I can almost feel things moving around up there; making room for a greater awareness of one thing or another) and I wanted to share.

Last night I was sort of watching, and mostly listening to this cartoon movie while I was working on a project.  There was this character in the movie...he was a "half-Barron" and he had this little mosquito the rode around on his shoulder.  This mosquito was annoying to the guy, he was smelly and gross, and he also, as mosquitoes do, drank the guys blood.  The man had been cursed...because of his extreme pride... and the only way to remove the mosquito from his shoulder was that the man had to agree with the mosquito...just once... about anything.  When asked why he wouldn't just agree with the mosquito on something to get rid of this nuisance, he replied that he was far too important to lower himself to agreeing with a tiny mosquito.

I didn't pay a lot of attention to that, other than thinking it was a bit silly, until a scene in the movie when the half-Barron - in a moment where the group is being threatened - says that he will be in charge and save the group.  Then the mosquito agrees, yes, the half-Barron should be in charge.  Then...with the enemy closing in, the half-Barron emphatically declares that he is not in charge and will not be in charge.  So the group is standing there, threat looming...until the mosquito says something along the lines of "ok...you are a horrible choice for a leader" at which point the half-Barron decides to be the leader again and helps the group.

Now... I had to run that back and watch that scene play out a second time so that I could pay attention to it...he was willing to allow himself and the group to be harmed just so that he didn't have to agree with this mosquito!  That started some things rolling around and I felt this question bloom in my mind "what nasty parasites am I carrying around all because I don't want to 'lower myself' to acknowledge their presence?"

What stinky have I become so accustomed to carrying with me that rarely smell them?  Jealousy is pretty stinky... do I allow it to leave a displeasing odor on me and drive a wedge between myself and others?  What about all those self-depreciating thoughts...those don't smell that great.  If I don't confront those and replace them with the truth of what God says about me...they can make me smell so bad that it will affect every relationship I have.  Or anger...all those outbursts - even if they are just in my mind - when someone frustrates me while I'm being the best driver ever. 

The list goes on...and I could put quite a few things here, let's be honest, we all could...but I think another important point in dealing with all those stinky things is this: what you focus on becomes your focus.  So if I am trying to up-root one of those smelly things from my life... beating myself up about it and asking "what's wrong with me that I still struggle with _______" isn't going to help much.  Focusing on the truth of who God has made me to be, on the other hand, seems to be the quickest method of bringing that truth into fruitfulness in my life.

The thing is... all these smelly little things...they grow over time... I think it's sort of like a garden...I have to tend the garden of my heart and pull up those little stink-weeds as soon as they sprout.  Their goal is to choke out joy, peace, love, and every other good-smelling thing that God helps me to plant there.  When I cultivate and tend those positive, life-bringing things... that also goes a long way towards keeping the stinky ones at bay.

I have another mind-expanding blog swirling around up there...but I'll save it for another day.  :)

The movie I am referring to is Hero Quest...I'm not trying to steal their story, just use a small part that I thought was powerful.  ;)

Transformation...

If you can't tell from reading my blog...I have a lot of words in me.  One way they come out is writing here...but that's only when God drops something on me that He wants me to share... another way those words get out is talking (I do love to talk y'all), journaling also provides a perfect outlet for processing of words.

I have done a lot of processing through writing over the years.  I've also done a lot of changing, a lot!  That has been on my mind a bit lately.  I ask God for a word for each year, sort of an alternative to the new years resolution thing.  My word for 2016 is Transformation and  when God gave me that word He told me that this would be a year for deeper healing.  Man...am I seeing that!  I literally feel that I am at the finish line with some things.  I feel I am getting deeper levels of healing and wholeness.

But here's the thing about healing...it hurts - which makes sense when you consider the fact that healing is only necessary when there is a wound.  It's not easy.  It's hard work.  Personally, I believe that healing is a long-term commitment and I applaud each and every person that chooses to walk down this difficult path. This is a long intro because...what I'm going to write about could be a little offensive.  Maybe it's still a little offensive to me. Well...if I'm honest - and I am...very honest - it is offensive to me.  But...here we go.

In order to heal - I have to be willing to let go of the identity that I had from being a victim.

This is a huge part of the struggle...it has been for me anyway.  I have struggled with this idea because..well...I guess because it feels so unfair that I should have to work so hard to undo something that was done to me.  But maybe even that statement walks the line of victim mentality.  But let's just be really real for a moment... it's not fair.  It will never be fair that the victim is left to pick up the pieces and put their life back together.  It sucks.  End of story. 

But...the truth is this - regardless of who hurt me, regardless of how they hurt me, regardless of how old I was when they hurt me... only *I* can choose to pick myself up and change my life.  And that is HARD TO DO!  No, it's not fair...but the way I see it, I only have two options: 1) I can stay in my suffering and anger, wall the world off to protect myself and remain miserable or 2) I can choose to believe that I can create a better future for myself by working towards healing.

It has been a long journey.  I was relatively young  when I came to the realization that the only way my life would get better was if I worked hard to change some things.  Even at a young age I knew that I did not want to continue the behaviors I had grown up with; I wanted to provide a better life for my own children, and I knew that in order to do that...I would need to work on myself. Even with that realization and a strong desire to not see the same patterns continue in my life...I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to give up... the number of times I have gotten so angry and wanted to just sort of throw a temper tantrum...because it's not fair. 

It took me a long time to see that I was living as a victim.  And when I started realizing that...I became angry all over again.  I had done so much work towards healing in my life and then realized that in order to make more progress...I had to basically let go of the identity that I had become accustomed to.  I had to let go of the idea that someone, somewhere owed me something in return for my suffering.  I had to walk away from my anger and desire for retribution...and embrace forgiveness.  I had to turn my thoughts away from an expectation to be disappointed and hurt...and instead...learn to look for and expect good things.  And that made me so angry.

I had grown so accustomed to my anger and to the "I don't care" mask that I had been wearing for pretty much my entire life...that letting go of it was extremely uncomfortable.  But I kept going...I kept walking and making an effort (not always my best effort but an effort all the same) to be different.  So with all of that...and this long path I've been walking down...with all the transformation and change that has taken place in my life...  Let's go back to my talk of journaling...

One week ago, I was writing in my journal...and God let me know that I am still identifying as a victim in some areas (insert surprised face).  So here I am...well over a decade into working to change my life, almost a decade since I became friends with Jesus...and still I have areas where I identify as a victim!  That's crazy to me!!  I used to think there would come this day when I would be *poof* healed and no longer have any issues, never be unhappy, skipping through a field of flowers...a huge smile on my face that will never again waver or fall... 

At least I can laugh about it now.  Because now I see that this transformation is step by step...and it's ok that it's not all at once...in fact I think there is a value in the long-term.  I'm not walking this path to healing for 30 days then passing through the door to a new life...where I can forget the struggle and skip around and enjoy my new life - leaving all the ugliness on the other side of that door.  No...this is a commitment...it's my life.  The value in that long-term walk is that I don't lose who I used to be in the transformation, and that I gain a relationship with the one who is healing me.

At one point in my life, I saw no value in the experiences of my past...I honestly wanted to wipe all of those memories from my life and begin a new life where I could pretend that none of those things happened.  That I was never that person...but... I was that person.  No amount of healing or change can remove the past.  And here is the value in that... There is power in the things that God has done in my life.  God saved me...He brought me out of dark places.  He came to me when I was at my lowest and He loved me even when I hated Him.  I'm getting into another subject now...but there is value in the relationship that I now have with God who is The Healer. 

So...I will remain committed to walking this path...to letting go of my identity as a victim...to surrendering my right to retribution.  I choose forgiveness over retaliation.  I choose to focus on the beauty and joy in this life and not on darkness and hopelessness. 

Man I could write so much more here...I think I could write about this for hours (and I have) but I want to add one last thing.  More than anything I don't want to make it sound like it's easy to forgive or to let go of the victim identity...it's not.  Well, if you tell me it was easy for you I won't argue...that's your experience, but for me it's been agonizing...painful.  My life is so transformed.  I have been on my knees sobbing with the pain of it at times... I don't ever want to make someone feel like I'm saying "just get better...just don't feel sorry for yourself...just get over it" (ever heard those words? I sure have).  My desire is to encourage. 
I guess if I don't end this here...I may never end it so.....

Today...

Today, during worship, I didn't stand and sing like I usually do.  I walked in after worship had already started, found a seat, and just sat in it.  I checked my Facebook (because I hadn't in like 30 minutes ya know) and then drank some water... then I just closed my eyes and started talking to Jesus.

Jesus rather quickly told me to just be quiet.  So I did. 

I was sitting there with my eyes closed, trying to be quiet...which is hard...because I like to talk and I don't particularly enjoy silence - especially in my mind.  There's always something going on up there...  I'm usually thinking about at least one thing (ok, let's be real...more like three things) and singing a song of some sort...planning out the next thing I will look up on Google.

But I did my best not to speak... ahem, think... and after a few moments of silence I began to see this picture.  I saw a hand, a left hand to be exact, and it was holding the tiniest little dot of light between the thumb and forefinger.  Before I could even wonder what this was...God began to speak to me about my creation.  He began telling me about how, during my creation, He considered many things.  He thought about how I would be, what I would look like, how tall I would be, the color of my hair and eyes....

Then I did speak ask Him something... something I have asked Him on many occasions... usually while I am sobbing and my heart feels broken - but today I asked Him out of curiosity - not from a place of pain or blame - but just because I want to know "Why did you make me?  Knowing all that would happen to me, why did you still make me?"

He said "I made you because I saw your beauty, and I couldn't leave you as your were.  I considered the cost.  I weighed the cost of your pain, what it would cost me, and I decided that it was worth it."

There was a sudden flash of...something...in me.  I asked Him "Cost you???  It cost me!!"

He quickly answered me "Your suffering is not only a cost to you.  I have paid a high price, because I have suffered with you.  I suffer greatly when children are hurt.  In the moment that I held your light in my hand, I knew everything that would happen to you, I knew what I would suffer for you, and I decided that you were worth it.  It was worth it all to have a relationship with you, to have you look at me with love.  I didn't just see those things, I also saw the choices you could make, I saw I saw your journey...I saw what you could become."

Let me stop here and say that I have struggled in the past with feeling worthless...I believed growing up that I was a mistake, an accident, a pariah - unwanted and unloved.  I'm not being dramatic here, just really stinkin vulnerable.

Now, it's been a while since I felt worthless.  The more I have learned to see myself the way God sees me - the less those thoughts and feelings have plagued me.  But God knows...He sees when there's even a speck of that old lie still floating around inside. 

This entire encounter was something that I frequently pray for the ones I love...it was an encounter with The Living God, Creator of the universe that left me so profoundly aware of His great love for me that I am changed. 

God did not just throw me together, put His breath in my lungs and then go on about His way.  He carefully considered the cost - both of the evil things that would be done to me, and the evil things that I would do - He was intentional and thoughtful.  He looked at the timeline of my life...looked at the roads that would be available for me to take (or not take) and in the end He chose to create me because it was worth it, I was worth it.  He looked forward to the possibility of a relationship with me and saw it as a beautiful thing.  He looked at me and saw beauty...not a stain. 

I understand that some will read this and think it's crazy...although they probably won't get this far.  That's ok... this was a deeply personal experience between God and myself.  It's actually a bit difficult to share because - with something that means so much to me...it's hard to make it vulnerable to others.  But, once again, God has asked me to share this part of it.  The rest is just between me and Him for now.

But here's the one thing you have to remember... This conversation could have been between God...and you.  Because you are this valuable to Him...He considered you just as deeply and decided you were worth it.  He looked forward to a relationship with you.

Every person on this earth is that valuable to Him...
I guess I will share this one last thing... if you've read this far...
you can share this one other thing with me...
after all our talking, when I was feeling so loved and valuable and wonderful...God told me
"I weighed the cost with them too" (referring to the ones who are responsible for all the suffering I mentioned earlier) when He said that I started crying all over again.
He said "I saw it all, I saw what they could become...I saw the cost of the suffering I would endure for them...and I decided that they were worth it."

I'm crying now even as I write this.  I've shared about my struggles with forgiveness... and I was praying about that very thing just last night.
God used this whole thing to show me how much He values me...but also how much He values them. No one is worthless to God.  If they were worthless, if they were incapable of having value to God - He wouldn't have created them.

This is a hard place to end this... but I don't have a whole lot more to say on this subject right now.  If you read all the way to the end...I'll say thank you because I know this was long and probably a bit choppy... I hope that it encourages you in some way...
It has changed me.
It still is changing me.



   

It's not fair...

Tonight, during worship at church, I started talking to God about an issue I'm facing. I've been asking Him what action to take about a specific issue...and I hadn't gotten an answer yet.  So I sat down...and asked "what do you want me to do" 

Mostly God talks to me through pictures.  Tonight was no different, and I didn't like the picture I saw.  I had a very specific idea of how I wanted God to answer me... ever been there?  Asking for an answer...but you've already got the answer that you desire packaged up...and nothing else will really do?  At least it feels like nothing else will do...

The truth is..my heart is His...and He knows it.  I am not perfect, by any means.  I am human and that very fact means that I am given to error, but my heart is His and He knows I will follow (eventually).  So I told God...I don't like this...I don't want to do this...but... I will do whatever you want me to do - no matter how much I don't want to.  But God...I need your help.

Then I started feeling all these emotions... I sat there, crying, telling God I was angry at Him.  Angry because I feel that what He is asking me to do isn't fair.  It's NOT FAIR!  Seriously...I felt like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.  My body was shaking with the anger that was so alive in me...and I told God I felt He was betraying me...throwing my hurt and pain away and turning His back on me when clearly He should be taking my side in this!

And then God told me "it's not about fair...it's about relationship" 

Guys - tonight...I almost audibly heard the words God was speaking to me.  I have never before experienced such a tangible clarity in hearing from God...and I think it's because He knew that I wouldn't hear Him on this any other way.  My faith for what He was saying...wasn't there.  My expectation was so set on that nice little answer I had gift-wrapped (ya know, so He could hand it to me all nice and pretty and painless?) that I needed that kind of clarity.

 While I was explaining to Him how unfair this was (clearly...it is unfair in the natural...even He didn't argue with me on that point) He said several things.  I want to share some of our conversation
I told him "It's not fair! You should be angry on my behalf.  I have a right to be angry!"
He said to me "It's not about fair...it's about relationship.  I am about relationship...not tearing apart"
I told him "this is going to end in me being hurt... again"
He said to me "I am not doing this to hurt you.  I wouldn't have you be hurt again"
I told him "This is not fair!!!"  (In case He didn't hear me maybe...)
He said to me "Do you trust me"
and I said... "No"

There's the truth of it.  In this particular situation...I don't trust God to have my back, to protect me, to bring beauty from ashes, to turn darkness to light...all those things He does on a daily basis.  But along with that lack of trust (which is rooted in a lie somewhere) I also have the knowledge and awareness that I CAN trust God, that He always cares about me.  See, I know that lack of trust is rooted in a lie because it goes against what I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD.  

So...here's to walking it out... to following His plan not mine... to speaking His words when mine sound better to me... to resting in His peace when there is chaos all around... to doing something that goes against every logical thought in my mind.  His way is better, I have to trust that.  His way brings redemption and healing and love and...every good and perfect thing there is. 

So God...I will do what you want me to do, even though I don't want to, I just need your help. 

All from a tree...

Sometimes I feel like God speaks some pretty profound words through some not-so-profound situations/things. Today I was driving down a road that I walk every morning and I noticed something for the first time. There are these trees...who knows how old they are but they aren't young...and they have barbed wire through them. At some point, a barbed wire fence was swallowed by these trees and even though the fence is no longer there (in its original form at least) these pieces of barbed wire are a part of these trees now.

That image stuck with me the rest of the night. These trees are still living...still growing...still producing new leaves, new branches and seeds to create new trees...basically - these trees are still doing what God created them to do - they are are being trees. 

The barbed wire is still there...sticking out  and visible - but it doesn't prevent the tree from fulfilling its purpose as a tree.  I've had lots of "barbed wire" in my life - things that were painful and scarring. Some of those scars you can see with your eyes, but most you can't. The scars you can see don't bother me anymore...I honestly forget they are even there unless someone asks...but the invisible scars...those are the ones that still impact on my life on a daily basis. 

I used to believe that the damage created by that "barbed wire" had changed me in such a way as to make me incapable of some things...that it prevented me from being a certain way, or from having some things in my life.  But, just like those trees that continued growing in spite of the barbed wire, remained whole in spite of the barbed wire, and continued to fulfill their purpose as trees...in spite of the barbed wire... I have learned that in spite of the barbed wire in my life - I am still fully capable of fulfilling every purpose that God has placed inside of me. I am fully capable of being the person that God created me to be. 

All the lies that were rooted in my heart as a result of that barbed wire from my past had me convinced that I would never be able to give or receive love - and look at my life now. I LOVE with my whole heart and have amazing relationships with so many people.  Another lie was that I would never be happy/have joy - but my life is so filled with joy.  I love my life...I am so stinking happy!!  I won't list all the lies...but each one is just as false as the last. 

Basically...those trees just have me thinking of how - no matter what the barbed wire is in my life - no matter how bad a thing hurt in the past or hurts me now - I am still able to walk in and fulfill the destiny that God has planned out for my life. Nothing will keep me from that as long as I am keeping my eyes on him. No matter what pain you have had, or have now, nothing disqualifies you from God's plan for your life. 

God loves me...

This morning I got some news that some people that I care about very much are suffering some harsh consequences for some poor choices they have made... this news came through a third person.  Because I am unable to communicate directly with these people (being in Africa makes communication a bit tricky in certain situations) I was thinking that I wish I could talk to them; of the things I would like to say.  I was feeling sad that I can't say to them "I love you, God loves you".

So with lots of prayer...and on the verge of tears...I am starting circle time for my preschoolers... we start every morning with prayer and this morning as I am preparing to start our prayer... other words come out of my mouth.  God was definitely speaking to me...and I believe to the ones I love...through me.

I told my kids "Do you know that God loves you?"
They answer "yes"
Me: "do you know how much God loves you?"
Kids: mostly silence...a few say "a lot"
Me: "I want you to picture in your head something or someone that you love the most.  raise your hand when you see that picture"
Kids: eyes closed...hands start to go up as they get their picture
Me: "now...feel how much you love that person or thing...feel how much it makes your heart happy"
Kids: smiling, still with their eyes closed
Me: "God loves you MORE than that!  and guess what...He loves you all the time, whether you are happy or sad, whether you are being naughty or making good choices, do you know that?"
Kids: some say no and some say yes...
Me: "what if you are being naughty...does God still love you?"
Kids: "NO!"  (all of them)
Me: "No?  guess what... the answer is yes... He still loves you even when you are being naughty or making poor choices.  What about if you are not listening to your teacher, or if you are sitting in the time out chair...does God still love you?"
Kids: like 3 or 4 "yes" and the rest "NO!"
Me: "The answer is yes again!  Even if you are not listening to your teacher or you are in the time out chair...God still loves you just as much as when you are making good choices.  What about this...what if you are saying mean words to a friend...what if you push your friend down and make them cry...does God still love you?"
Kids: some yell "YES!" immediately... the rest say "yes" after a few seconds.
Me: "YES!!! God always always loves you!  there is never a time when He does not love you, even if you say mean words and make your friend cry He loves you just as much as when you make your friend happy."

At the end of this exchange...the kids were talking about how God loves you even when you are sad and how he protects you when you are sad and makes you feel better.  I had been feeling pretty sad before this whole thing...so that was pretty amazing too.

Even as all these words were coming out...I was listening and thinking... this...THIS is what I would say to them.  These are the things I would say to them.. God loves you... God loves you even though you made bad choices and HE can help you walk away from those bad choices.  God is able...God is bigger... God loves you NO MATTER WHAT!

God's love for me, for them, for you is not conditional.  He surely does not delight in my poor choices, and poor choices have consequences whether I follow God or not... but He does love me with a love that is beyond all others.  He loves me if I am doing good, or if I am struggling and falling into sin... He loves me... always

New life...

What’s on my mind tonight is…pregnancy and new life.  I was thinking about how when you reach those last several weeks of pregnancy…the weight of the pregnancy can just be overwhelming…your body aches and you are tired...you can’t get comfortable…you can even get to the point where everything you eat makes you feel a little sick. 

And what comes next…labor and birth – those are painful!  Labor pains will make you forget all about the pain you had the week before and not being able to find a comfortable position so you can sleep.  But there is a purpose to it…a brand new life.  All of this pain...weeks of it, sometimes months…has a purpose, and it brings this new life into the world.

I’m thinking of how much this is like the struggle to overcome…well…so many things.  A bad habit, sin, negative behavior, addiction, offense, you name it.  You start out (sometimes) so excited and pumped to make this change in your life…and near the end you might be kicking and screaming…wondering who’s idea this was anyway.  But the reality is, change in my life is up to me.  There is really nothing that another person can do to force me to change…and God certainly isn’t going to force me.  So sometimes when I get to that point of looking around and wondering who’s bright idea all this was…I just have to look in the mirror.

I started out 2013 praying this prayer, fully desiring it in my heart “God, change my heart to be what you want it to be…mold me into the person you want me to be”.  And then things started kind of falling apart in April…and then by July things were really falling apart.  I was not in a good place for a few months and I didn’t really talk to anyone about it.  I went to a church conference one night and the speaker stopped while he was talking, pointed me out and told me “what you are going through right now, you asked God for this.”  I thought he was crazy and my face probably told him that…he encouraged me to ask God right then to show me…so I just stopped for a second and asked God…”if this is true, please show me” and immediately I was watching myself pray that prayer asking God to mold me into the person he wanted me to be.

I was blown away because I had spent the last 3 months angry and really kind of fighting God…I wasn’t doing anything to help this change along…in fact I was holding onto the old me, digging my nails and in and fighting with all I had to stay there.  So I started praying for God to show me how I could work *with* him on this.  After all…he was just setting up opportunities for me to grow and change into the person I wanted to be…which was the person HE wanted me to be.  So I made a decision the next day to be intentional with my actions in partnering with God on this. 

It was painful, it wasn’t easy…but the depression and anger lifted and I found joy again.  What happened was…I reached the difficult stage of the “pregnancy” and I just stopped…so it’s basically like (in my view) I caused myself to have to spend 3-4 months at that most uncomfortable stage of the pregnancy…refusing to birth the new life that was waiting to come.  Obviously, this isn’t possible with a physical pregnancy…but it is very possible with a spiritual one :) 

I really should be asleep right now…but I felt like this was important to share right now.  Overcoming is a journey, one that I’m still on.  One thing I have learned (without a doubt) is that when I am actively searching my heart for anything that doesn’t bring God glory…anything that brings me down, etc…I will find ugly things that I would sometimes rather not look at – BUT – another thing I have learned (without a doubt!!!) is that God’s love for me is so much bigger than those ugly things.  So much bigger that they are like dust to be blown away.  His love can overcome…and he can redeem anything!