A Christmas miracle...

I have been waiting to be able to write this blog post!!!  This one will probably get a bit emotional...I will probably cry...but I'm nothing if not real so...

When I came back to the US...I was hurting...and the hurting was getting worse, not better.  So...after I got around to finding a doctor, she ordered an ultrasound... but then I needed second one... so all of this takes a few months and eventually I found out I had a cyst on my left ovary.  But first... 

A little bit of background... there are basically two types of ovarian cysts: simple and complex.  The shortest description is that simple cysts usually resolve on their own but complex cysts usually require medication (which I cannot take due to a blood disorder I have been diagnosed with) or surgery.  Both types of cysts cause discomfort and pain.  Another bit of history...I already lost one ovary due to complex cysts... so this is the only one I have.

Now...I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - or PCOS -  years ago...after I lost one ovary.  PCOS causes multiple, simple cysts to form on the ovaries (or ovary in my case).  I have become accustomed to the pain that is associated with cysts... so I knew going in for the ultrasound that I had a cyst.  I prayed and asked God to cause that cyst to rupture (and heal me from  PCOS...no more cysts!) before the ultrasound; so when I was finally sitting in the doctor's office for my results...I was surprised to hear that I had good-sized cyst on my ovary.  And it was a complex cyst, the kind that doesn't really go away on it's own.  And it had a septation...and nodules (btw... just a tip... don't ever google little bits of medical information like this after you leave the doctors office)

If you happened to read my post in October "Learning to trust" - it was about this. Just a short run-down on where I was with all this.  I've had plenty of simple cysts...but never a complex cyst... on my left ovary.  The only other time I had complex cysts...I lost my ovary.  I was scared.  I was concerned that I would lose my ovary... and I really want to be able to have children one day.  When the doctor told me about the cyst; immediately all these thoughts started pelting my mind... I'll spare you from listing them individually, but they were all along these lines...
Will I lose my ovary like before?
Am I going to lose my ability to have children?
Why didn't God heal me?

Ever since I first prayed for healing from PCOS, every single time I have had an ultrasound - and I've had a lot of ultrasounds - I get so excited because I have asked God to bring back the right ovary that I lost.  I get so excited every time I have an ultrasound because I think "this will be the time that the right ovary is there and the doctor will be surprised and I can share how I've prayed for God to bring it back."  I have an expectation for that... I had an expectation for God to heal me of that cyst too...I knew it was going to happen... I just *knew* there would be no cyst when I went for that second ultrasoud.  But there was.

Let's go back to me sitting in the doctor's office...with all these negative thoughts attacking my mind... I started crying.  I had this moment of feeling so totally rejected (He didn't heal me...and it could be bad) and scared - and I took a breath and said "I trust you, God."  When I left there, I was still crying; I texted a few friends, asking for prayer, and at the end I added "I trust that God has a plan for my life...and it's an amazing one...no matter how this goes".  For the next two days I cried off and on, I told God I was scared, and I told Him "If I had a husband and kids right now, this wouldn't be such a difficult thing ya know"  (He said He knew that) and I told God how unfair it would be...how vastly unfair it would be, after everything I have walked through, for me to not be able to have my own child because of a stupid cyst.  (He didn't really need me to tell Him that either I guess)

None of that changed the fact that when I went for a follow up ultrasound...I had more cysts... and more pain... and more tears.  I actually had a tough few days after that one.  But every time I got scared... I went to God.  I continued to remind myself of who He is and who He isn't.  He is good, not bad...He loves me, He doesn't hate me...He is for me (completely), not against me... He is merciful...He does not ever set me up for failure.  I reminded myself that God has the most amazing plan for my life... and if it includes biological children...then I will have them.  If it doesn't...I won't.  But God has promised me children.  He never promised me that they would share my DNA...but He has promised me more children than I can even count.  And God doesn't break His promises.

I had this moment...about 3 weeks ago... I was talking to God about...things...I can't remember what... and I had this moment where I looked back at some of the changes that have taken place in me during this struggle with the cyst.  I was contemplating why God wouldn't have healed me, when I believed so strongly that He would...why would He allow me to walk away so broken...when I walked in feeling so sure of a report in my favor???  God told me, "I could have healed you when you first asked...but look what we would have missed out on"  What WE would have missed out on...Him and me.  My relationship with Him is stronger for having walked through this...my trust in Him is stronger because of it... and my awareness of who HE says I am is greater as a result.  Something has shifted in me during this process...and it feels like a huge shift.  I am not the same.

So here's the part I've been waiting to be able to share... waiting for months because I knew it would come one way or another... night before last I was hurting - which is not uncommon... I was at a Christmas party and towards the end I was wanting to leave because I had started hurting pretty bad.  All I could think of was getting home to lay down..which usually helps the pain.  That night it didn't help.  I tried a heating pad...that made it worse, which is not typical at all.  I took Tylenol... it didn't help.  I was praying through this and I told God "if I am supposed to go to the ER, make the pain unbearable...otherwise I will wait until tomorrow and call the doctor"  (I greatly dislike the ER...for many reasons)  About 30 minutes later...I was on the way to the ER.  I texted a friend....she didn't answer.  I started to call...I felt God say no...  I told God on the way to the ER "see...I should have a husband with me right now... I'm not supposed to go to the ER alone..."  (just in case he forgot that I am past marrying age)  He didn't need my reminder...He knew.  Fast forward to me waiting for the test results... I'm praying... I'm hurting... and the thought comes again - I should have someone here with me... I shouldn't be alone.  I reached for my phone, but again God said no.  I had been praying this whole time...but in just one moment I had this idea to invite Jesus to be a stand in since no one was there with me.  And, of course, He was glad to do this...since it's what He wanted me to do from the beginning  :)

I was so comforted...and He even made me laugh in the midst of it all.  He just sat and talked with me and brought me such peace.  Shortly after... the doctor comes back and he says "We have the results of your ultrasound... there is no evidence of any cyst"  I was surprised...and happy (to say the least) and said maybe the pain was from it rupturing.  By this time, the shot (non-narcotic cause I was driving) had taken away most of the pain I was feeling and they discharged me with instruction to see a doctor for follow up. 

Guys... I may never know why things happen the way they do... but I really think the reason for all the pain was just so that I could KNOW that something was happening...and then could have this amazing Christmas gift of knowing that the cysts (all of them) are gone!!!  Even the complex one!

It truly is a miracle!  I am thankful that I have a relationship with the God who creates life... I still don't know all that is in His plan for me... but I am still trusting.  What I do know about it is that He has promised that it will be amazing...more wonderful than I can even imagine.  I can't wait to see what He has in store! 

Feels like home...

Well...I've been in the US for a week now!

All at once it seems like I just got here...and like I've been here for a lot longer than a week.

Last summer was my first visit back to the US after living in Tanzania... I arrived here knowing the date I would return to Tanzania and what I would be doing when I returned there.

This summer... I don't know.  I don't have a date for when I will return.  That is sort of up to God.  I'm pretty certain of what I will be doing when I return...but even that is not 100% sure.  I don't know where I will be living... or even where I will stay while I find my own home.

There are a lot of unknowns, but I won't get into all that right now.  What I'm thinking of with this post is the strange feeling of having two places that feel like home.

I have lived in Tanzania for the past two years and from the moment I arrived there it has felt quite like home to me.  When I leave there...I feel I am leaving my home.  I miss my friends and family and remind myself I will see them soon.

I have spent most of my life living in Louisiana...considerably longer than the amount of time I have spent in Tanzania...and coming here, well... it feels like coming home.  I am excited to see the friends and family I have been missing for so long!  It's sort of an odd place to be in...I am leaving home...to come home.

The thing that makes Tanzania home...is the people.  The wonderful friends and family that I have there that make me feel loved and welcome and let me know they are happy for me to be there.

The thing that makes Louisiana home...is the people.  :)  For the same... exact... reason!   

You know what that tells me?  It tells me that it's possible to have a lot more than two places that feel like home  :)   I think that's pretty awesome!

Here it is...

Here it is again...the end.

The end of a set period of time.  Teaching has measured out my life in a way that I never experienced when I was working in an office.  The end of school is sort of like the end of the year...it leaves me in a state of reflection before the beginning of something new.

There are all these thoughts running through my mind about where I was at the beginning of the school year compared to where I am now.  Thinking of all the changes that have taken place in my life, my heart, and my mind over the past 10 months along with the memories and experiences that I have gained in that time.  .

Sometimes it can begin to seem like I'm just living life and nothing much is happening...days run together into weeks and then months...and then almost an entire year has passed.  As the days run together into a lifetime, some moments stand out. You know those moments that feel life-changing?  Sometimes you see it as it's happening, sometimes you see it when you look back...but they are always there.

Those moments can feel sudden, like something just clicked into place all at once...but in reality there have been all these smaller moments, going unnoticed, that have led, step-by-step to that very noticeable life-altering moment. 

It can seem as if something comes from nothing...all in that moment.  But that's not really what's going on.  Right now, I feel as if several things are falling into place in my life in areas where I have had quite a bit of uncertainty, and as those things "fall into place" - with what seems like effortless grace - it can feel as if I have struggled through all this uncertainty and now suddenly it's just clicking. 

But during the uncertainty and the shifting, during the transformation that was happening so slowly that I didn't even see it... there were moments where I made choices.  I made a choice to go one direction instead of another, I made a choice to follow where I believed God was leading me instead of where I may have wanted to go, I made a choice to leave behind things that were comfortable and known in favor of following the path that I believe God is leading me on.

It's in those moments that the shift begins...it's in those moments of decision and choice that the life-altering moments (those ones that happen so suddenly, ya know?) are born.  Those life-changing moments really begin in the middle of the days where it seems as if life is just slowly passing by and maybe I'm not doing much.  Because really I'm doing a lot, even though it seems that I'm not doing much...I'm listening for God and I'm following His lead - and that's just about the biggest thing I can do.

So...here's to life-changing moments and a future that has been totally planned out by my loving Father!!!

God is good...

I was sitting here tonight thinking...God is good... and after that thought passed through my mind it was followed with the thought "God is good, even when life isn't".  Those two thoughts are what prompted all that follows  ;)

Sometimes things happen that just aren't fair.  I know, I know "life isn't fair" and we can't expect it to be... the word fair doesn't even really apply I guess, but... that's just the best way I know to describe some of the sad things that happen in life.

There are so many things in life that are just "not fair" - someone you love dies and you are left with a gaping hole in your life... you're faced with a devastating illness... a relationship falls apart... your family isn't there for you... this list could go on and on. 

I'm not facing any "unfair" things at the moment, but I know some people who are and it makes my heart sad for them.  I've faced plenty of unfair things in my life and I know it can be so hard to focus on anything other than the difficulty you are facing.

God *is* good.  Every single day, He is good and He is loving.  But when you are wading through the hard stuff...it's easy to become so focused on the pain of whatever quicksand is dragging you down, that you lose sight of the fact that God is still good and He has a wonderful plan for your life.

I've been there...I've been in a place where my circumstances sort of got on top of me and overwhelmed me (it wasn't just once either...it's happened a few times), we've all been there.  God created us to experience emotions, and when sad things happen...we will experience grief and all the other emotions that accompany those unfair things of life.

And here is the real point of this post - a verse that has been a great source of comfort to me at times when I was walking through some of those unfair life experiences...
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.

There have been times when I just read these verses and cried because that felt like all I could do in that moment.  I believe that in those moments where we can do nothing but cry...our tears are filled with all the words we are unable to speak...and God hears them.  I think that these verses perfectly describe those times that the unfairness of life has left me feeling overwhelmed.  I've had times when I literally felt I was drowning, so oppressed by sorrow and hurt that I wasn't sure I could continue breathing... If you've felt that way...do you see the description of that feeling here in these verses?

God is good...even when life isn't.  And when life isn't good...God is right there with us.  Walking alongside us.  He holds our head above the ocean of sorrow that threatens to drown us.  He protects us from the flames that would destroy us.  He is there with us no matter what is going on in our lives.  That doesn't mean the painful stuff doesn't hurt...it just means we have a good baba (Swahili for father) who holds us in His arms and comforts us when the hurt comes.

All from a tree...

Sometimes I feel like God speaks some pretty profound words through some not-so-profound situations/things. Today I was driving down a road that I walk every morning and I noticed something for the first time. There are these trees...who knows how old they are but they aren't young...and they have barbed wire through them. At some point, a barbed wire fence was swallowed by these trees and even though the fence is no longer there (in its original form at least) these pieces of barbed wire are a part of these trees now.

That image stuck with me the rest of the night. These trees are still living...still growing...still producing new leaves, new branches and seeds to create new trees...basically - these trees are still doing what God created them to do - they are are being trees. 

The barbed wire is still there...sticking out  and visible - but it doesn't prevent the tree from fulfilling its purpose as a tree.  I've had lots of "barbed wire" in my life - things that were painful and scarring. Some of those scars you can see with your eyes, but most you can't. The scars you can see don't bother me anymore...I honestly forget they are even there unless someone asks...but the invisible scars...those are the ones that still impact on my life on a daily basis. 

I used to believe that the damage created by that "barbed wire" had changed me in such a way as to make me incapable of some things...that it prevented me from being a certain way, or from having some things in my life.  But, just like those trees that continued growing in spite of the barbed wire, remained whole in spite of the barbed wire, and continued to fulfill their purpose as trees...in spite of the barbed wire... I have learned that in spite of the barbed wire in my life - I am still fully capable of fulfilling every purpose that God has placed inside of me. I am fully capable of being the person that God created me to be. 

All the lies that were rooted in my heart as a result of that barbed wire from my past had me convinced that I would never be able to give or receive love - and look at my life now. I LOVE with my whole heart and have amazing relationships with so many people.  Another lie was that I would never be happy/have joy - but my life is so filled with joy.  I love my life...I am so stinking happy!!  I won't list all the lies...but each one is just as false as the last. 

Basically...those trees just have me thinking of how - no matter what the barbed wire is in my life - no matter how bad a thing hurt in the past or hurts me now - I am still able to walk in and fulfill the destiny that God has planned out for my life. Nothing will keep me from that as long as I am keeping my eyes on him. No matter what pain you have had, or have now, nothing disqualifies you from God's plan for your life. 

eternity in my heart...

Tonight I opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes and started reading at chapter 2.  I stopped at Ecclesiastes 3:11 - "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."


I have read the "He has made all things beautiful in it's time" part many times, in many places - I even used to have a little decorative plate with that on it.  A friend gave it to me and I was sad to part with it when I came to Tanzania.  I have referred to that portion of this verse many times in the past several years.  God has truly transformed some ugly things in my life into beautiful things, and I am so thankful!


That second part though... I've read it before, but tonight it's blowing my mind.  "He has planted eternity in the human heart"  that means He has planted eternity in my heart.  And what, exactly, does that mean?  In my mind, at this moment, it means that he has put everything in my heart.  Everything that I need to know, everything that I need to know him... everything that I need to walk out His plan for my life.  He has put everything from beginning to end...in my heart.  That's huge!  That is crazy...

Then the last of it... "but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end"  that part... God has all these amazing plans... for my life, for your life, for my neighbors life, for the lives of the precious children that I teach at school, for the lives of those two little babies that I held this Sunday at church; but no matter how hard I try I will never understand or be able to see any more than just a tiny glimpse of any of it.

I told someone tonight "I just wish I could see the future right now".  Many times it seems as if life would be so much easier if I could just see what will happen next week, next month, next year!  But we all know that's not how it works.

I am so thankful that God knows what my future holds.  I am thankful that He has a very detailed plan for all of my tomorrows, and all I have to do is hold His hand and follow His lead.  I am beyond thankful that He has created so much beauty in my life and continues to create more.  He has planted eternity in my heart... now I want to figure out how to properly tend it.  How can I best grab hold of what has been placed in my heart and use that to bring my life into greater alignment with the plans that my Father has for my life?

The power of love...

I had a rather profound moment with one of my kids yesterday and I wanted to share it.

I walked into my classroom to find two children during a time when they were supposed to be outside.  I tell them to head outside to play.  One does, the other stays where she has planted herself...on the floor in the corner.

She has her backpack sitting next to her, she just arrived a few minutes ago and she did not give me a hug - which she does every single day.  She is being a little sulky and I ask her "why aren't you playing outside?"  She answers "I can't...because my leg hurts."  I say I'm sorry that her leg hurts, and remind her that she is not allowed to be in the classroom at this time, but we can sit outside together.

She has a colored pencil in her hand and I have already asked her, "Is that your pencil or mine?  It looks like my pencil."  She answered "It's mine, I brought it from home."

I tell her to put the pencil back in her bag because it looks like my pencil and I might confuse it and try to keep it, and say "After you put your pencil away come and sit with me!"  I can tell she is feeling down...she is never this sulky... I wonder if she's getting sick.

She comes, with the pencil and her backpack and sits in my lap... I ask what's wrong... no response.  I tell her I'm sorry she is not feeling well this morning and give her a hug.  She leaves her head on my shoulder, arms around my neck...acting like she is about to cry.  I hug her longer and tell her "I love you so much...and guess what...God loves you so much.  You are so special!  I'm sorry you are having a hard morning, but I am praying that it will get better."

She sits back...looks at me with tears in her eyes... and holds up the colored pencil.  She says "Ms. Cynthia... here."  I have this short moment of confusion and then I realize... she was taking it when I walked in.  I happened to walk in as she was about to place it in her backpack.  THAT is why she is so sad...she feels guilty.

I look at her and the tears in her eyes and I take the pencil.  I say "Oh, this was my pencil and you were going to take it home?"  She nods her head, so sad.  I ask her to look at my eyes and I tell her "I am so very proud of you right now.  Thank you so much.  Look at this good choice that you made.  I am proud of you for telling the truth and I love you just as much as I did before."

I was shocked...the bravery that it took for her to do that, tears in her eyes.  But the illustration that God gave me out of this... WOW.  In the midst of her doing something naughty... taking something that belongs to me, sinning against me... I showed her love.  I hugged her and comforted her and told her how loved she was.  She clearly saw that I believed that this was her pencil...but she chose, instead of keeping it, to face the shame of confessing her sin and giving it back to me.

God, let me be so brave as this sweet little 4 year old when I have made a mistake.  Let me be so anchored in your love and my awareness of your love for me that I bravely stand up in the face of my poor choices and make things right.  The power of love... there are no words to describe it.

I am thankful to God for the countless examples of his love for me that he is showing me day after day.  So very thankful!

God loves me...

This morning I got some news that some people that I care about very much are suffering some harsh consequences for some poor choices they have made... this news came through a third person.  Because I am unable to communicate directly with these people (being in Africa makes communication a bit tricky in certain situations) I was thinking that I wish I could talk to them; of the things I would like to say.  I was feeling sad that I can't say to them "I love you, God loves you".

So with lots of prayer...and on the verge of tears...I am starting circle time for my preschoolers... we start every morning with prayer and this morning as I am preparing to start our prayer... other words come out of my mouth.  God was definitely speaking to me...and I believe to the ones I love...through me.

I told my kids "Do you know that God loves you?"
They answer "yes"
Me: "do you know how much God loves you?"
Kids: mostly silence...a few say "a lot"
Me: "I want you to picture in your head something or someone that you love the most.  raise your hand when you see that picture"
Kids: eyes closed...hands start to go up as they get their picture
Me: "now...feel how much you love that person or thing...feel how much it makes your heart happy"
Kids: smiling, still with their eyes closed
Me: "God loves you MORE than that!  and guess what...He loves you all the time, whether you are happy or sad, whether you are being naughty or making good choices, do you know that?"
Kids: some say no and some say yes...
Me: "what if you are being naughty...does God still love you?"
Kids: "NO!"  (all of them)
Me: "No?  guess what... the answer is yes... He still loves you even when you are being naughty or making poor choices.  What about if you are not listening to your teacher, or if you are sitting in the time out chair...does God still love you?"
Kids: like 3 or 4 "yes" and the rest "NO!"
Me: "The answer is yes again!  Even if you are not listening to your teacher or you are in the time out chair...God still loves you just as much as when you are making good choices.  What about this...what if you are saying mean words to a friend...what if you push your friend down and make them cry...does God still love you?"
Kids: some yell "YES!" immediately... the rest say "yes" after a few seconds.
Me: "YES!!! God always always loves you!  there is never a time when He does not love you, even if you say mean words and make your friend cry He loves you just as much as when you make your friend happy."

At the end of this exchange...the kids were talking about how God loves you even when you are sad and how he protects you when you are sad and makes you feel better.  I had been feeling pretty sad before this whole thing...so that was pretty amazing too.

Even as all these words were coming out...I was listening and thinking... this...THIS is what I would say to them.  These are the things I would say to them.. God loves you... God loves you even though you made bad choices and HE can help you walk away from those bad choices.  God is able...God is bigger... God loves you NO MATTER WHAT!

God's love for me, for them, for you is not conditional.  He surely does not delight in my poor choices, and poor choices have consequences whether I follow God or not... but He does love me with a love that is beyond all others.  He loves me if I am doing good, or if I am struggling and falling into sin... He loves me... always

What do you mean, 'If I can'?

Today on Facebook I saw an image that a friend shared.  It was a picture of some verses from Mark 9 and one verse in particular was highlighted. 

Mark 9:23 - "What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes."

Yes...it is part of a larger story, but seeing just that portion highlighted really made it stick in my mind.  This is the New Living Translation and the way that it's phrased "What do you mean 'If I can'?" is pretty clear.  

My birthday just passed and my mind has been full of thoughts about where my life is right now...and where I thought my life would be by now.  Reality doesn't really meet up with my expectations and sometimes that leaves me feeling less than thankful.  

I have been facing some lies that are still rooted in my thoughts lately, and one of those lies is that God either cannot or will not help me in certain areas.  I feel like I have been walking down a rather long path of healing - to be fair it's been many, many years - and I realized that I have this lie in my mind that says that God can't heal some things.  Another lie is that God doesn't want to fulfill the desires of my heart because he doesn't really want me to be happy.  

Reading this verse makes me think of all those lies that say that certain things are not possible.  The words "What do you mean 'If I can'?" keep swirling around in my head and I keep seeing one "issue" after another that this applies to.  I am not a quitter...I don't give up...but I am seeing areas where I have built some walls around some of my greatest desires because, somewhere, I believe that it's impossible.  

I do honestly believe in my heart that God has an amazing plan for my life; he has saved me from some pretty impossible situations, and I know he has a purpose in that.  I also believe that as long as I am following him...walking out his plan for my life...I will be filled with joy no matter where I am.  Having said all that...it's hard sometimes, trusting in God for something that seems unlikely, or even impossible.  Thankfully times of peace and comfort easily outweigh the hard times.  

My love for God is not based on him providing me with the things that I want or even the things that I feel like I need.  And even if I am still writing this same blog post in five years...my love for God will not be diminished because of it.