Feels like home...

Well...I've been in the US for a week now!

All at once it seems like I just got here...and like I've been here for a lot longer than a week.

Last summer was my first visit back to the US after living in Tanzania... I arrived here knowing the date I would return to Tanzania and what I would be doing when I returned there.

This summer... I don't know.  I don't have a date for when I will return.  That is sort of up to God.  I'm pretty certain of what I will be doing when I return...but even that is not 100% sure.  I don't know where I will be living... or even where I will stay while I find my own home.

There are a lot of unknowns, but I won't get into all that right now.  What I'm thinking of with this post is the strange feeling of having two places that feel like home.

I have lived in Tanzania for the past two years and from the moment I arrived there it has felt quite like home to me.  When I leave there...I feel I am leaving my home.  I miss my friends and family and remind myself I will see them soon.

I have spent most of my life living in Louisiana...considerably longer than the amount of time I have spent in Tanzania...and coming here, well... it feels like coming home.  I am excited to see the friends and family I have been missing for so long!  It's sort of an odd place to be in...I am leaving home...to come home.

The thing that makes Tanzania home...is the people.  The wonderful friends and family that I have there that make me feel loved and welcome and let me know they are happy for me to be there.

The thing that makes Louisiana home...is the people.  :)  For the same... exact... reason!   

You know what that tells me?  It tells me that it's possible to have a lot more than two places that feel like home  :)   I think that's pretty awesome!

I met someone...

Wow... it's hard to believe that I have already been back here in beautiful Tanzania for a month!! Life truly does fly by us, doesn't it?

So...you may (or may not) remember me mentioning my flights back home to Tanzania and that I met some amazing people. I had posted on Facebook about one woman in particular, and (finally) I want to share more about her. This is a long one guys...but it's worth it. God is amazing!

I had just finished rushing through the Dallas airport, praying I would make my 14 hour flight to Doha, Qatar. Walking down the aisle between seats, I stepped on the hem of a gown worn by the Muslim woman walking in front of me. In my mind I was like “oh no... did I just offend her? It's probably rude for me to even touch her gown and I just stepped on it with my dirty shoe.” I apologized and she said it was ok, and we kept moving. I get to my seat only to find someone in it. Someone wanted to trade their middle seat (between two seats) for my window seat, but...I wanted my window seat. An attendant had walked up and was telling the person they would have to move if I wanted my seat. I felt stuck...I wanted this other person to be comfortable...but I wanted to be comfortable too... and then I heard a voice say “the seat next to me is empty”.

I look over and it's the woman who's gown I stepped on. She is in a middle seat, and the aisle seat (which is truly my preference) is empty. I had this quick internal dialogue... what if she is mad at me for stepping on her... but then, why would she offer the seat next to her... what if this is awkward or I feel weird??

Let me stop here for a second and share something. I have encountered more Muslim people while living in Tanzania than I ever have in the U.S. and this has made me increasingly aware of some fears and anxieties that I had regarding Muslims. I have heard many negative things, and I have never had a close relationship with anyone who was Muslim. Towards the end of the school year (2014/2015) I prayed one simple prayer about this. I was swinging at school and I just said “God...I don't want to be scared of someone because they are different than me. Help me with this, help me to love people no matter how we are different from one another.” Now...back to the airplane.

I agree to the switch and take my amazing aisle seat (what a blessing). I'm getting situated...putting things away...and I pull on her gown again – now I'm thinking “great, she must think I'm so rude...why can't I be more careful!!” Now...seriously...if I had stepped on the hem of a woman's skirt...and then later accidentally pulled on her blouse while getting settled...I wouldn't have been happy about it but I wouldn't have been so anxious either. I was immediately worried that she would be mad at me just because I didn't look like her. I actually had a thought that she probably didn't like me because she probably thought that I wasn't dressed appropriately and she surely wouldn't like me because I was clumsy AND not covered enough (just being honest guys).

She starts talking to me (maybe she's not mad after all?) and asking me “where are you headed...what do you do?” I answer her "I'm a volunteer teacher, I'm headed to Tanzania...I'm a missionary, I teach at a Christian school."  Here comes another judgment... when I tell her that I'm a missionary and teach at a Christian school I think “now she won't like me for sure...” But she keeps talking to me as if she couldn't care less that I am a Christian. I find out that someone took her seat as well...small world, right?  Then she tells me... she too is a teacher... a volunteer teacher...a missionary like me...only for Islamic schools. She is my age...she is single (like me) and here is the kicker... she taught in Africa too... in Tanzania!!! WHAT??? We are like...the same.

We continue talking...and talk away the first 2 hours of the flight (you all know I can talk!) and learn even more things that we have in common. And from the moment we began talking...my fear and anxiety just left; and God started reminding me of my prayer at the swings. My new friend shared with me some information about Islam...but mostly she shared with me her heart for loving others.

During the flight, an attendant was giving out drinks. She asked what we would like and then made a comment something along the line of how it's nice to travel with a good friend and then asked how long my seat-mate and I had been friends. I said “oh...we just met on this flight” She seemed surprised and said “wow...that is beautiful.”

You know what? It is beautiful. It's beautiful that I can meet this woman who is my sister...all because God has laid it out. How amazing that this beautiful woman, with her kind heart and giving spirit is an instrument in answering my appeal to God to help me just love. Help me not to look at a person and see “Muslim” or any other label for that matter...help me to look at every person and just see what God sees. I am thankful for this life-changing meeting. I am thankful for this new friend, this new sister. I pray that we will stay connected and that – God willing - I will see her in person again one day. I am truly blessed.

40 weeks...

The other day I was looking at a calendar, counting the number of weeks that I have been in Tanzania and I made a discovery...  I have been here, in Tanzania, for almost 39 full weeks... and by the time I board a plane for the U.S. I will have been here for just over 41 weeks.

When I was counting and hit 40, my immediate thought was that 40 weeks is the length of pregnancy.  That felt like a huge realization to me, and I began looking at some of the things that God has been birthing in me over the past (almost) 40 weeks. 

These months have been a time of huge growth in many areas of my life.  I feel that I have grown and changed so much.  I can say, with certainty, that my relationship with God has changed deeply. 

I have grown to know him more as a father and I have had deeper revelations of his love for me.  I have had times when I felt so very far from God...times when it felt like a struggle to even talk to him...and I have had times where I have felt closer to him than ever before.

I have learned to rely on him for peace more and more.  Moving halfway across the world is...hard.  I have faced struggles and difficulties that I never expected, new (and sometimes scary) situations, uncertainty and sadness... and in all these situations he has been right here by my side.  I have found peace and comfort in stressful and uncomfortable places/situations over and over again.

I have also had so, so many times of rejoicing with God and thanking him for the amazing things that he has made possible in my life.  So many amazing experiences, learning from my kids (on a daily basis) about God's love and power. 

The list goes on... God has also healed me of some things that I didn't even realize were still buried deeply.  He has helped me to see a greater level of the joy that is possible in life...  our capacity for joy is unimaginable - maybe I could say he has increased my capacity for joy by helping me rid myself of some of the things that were taking up space.

Life is an amazing adventure...and I am so thankful!!!  God loves me... I am precious and valuable to him... he is a good father!  :)

eternity in my heart...

Tonight I opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes and started reading at chapter 2.  I stopped at Ecclesiastes 3:11 - "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."


I have read the "He has made all things beautiful in it's time" part many times, in many places - I even used to have a little decorative plate with that on it.  A friend gave it to me and I was sad to part with it when I came to Tanzania.  I have referred to that portion of this verse many times in the past several years.  God has truly transformed some ugly things in my life into beautiful things, and I am so thankful!


That second part though... I've read it before, but tonight it's blowing my mind.  "He has planted eternity in the human heart"  that means He has planted eternity in my heart.  And what, exactly, does that mean?  In my mind, at this moment, it means that he has put everything in my heart.  Everything that I need to know, everything that I need to know him... everything that I need to walk out His plan for my life.  He has put everything from beginning to end...in my heart.  That's huge!  That is crazy...

Then the last of it... "but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end"  that part... God has all these amazing plans... for my life, for your life, for my neighbors life, for the lives of the precious children that I teach at school, for the lives of those two little babies that I held this Sunday at church; but no matter how hard I try I will never understand or be able to see any more than just a tiny glimpse of any of it.

I told someone tonight "I just wish I could see the future right now".  Many times it seems as if life would be so much easier if I could just see what will happen next week, next month, next year!  But we all know that's not how it works.

I am so thankful that God knows what my future holds.  I am thankful that He has a very detailed plan for all of my tomorrows, and all I have to do is hold His hand and follow His lead.  I am beyond thankful that He has created so much beauty in my life and continues to create more.  He has planted eternity in my heart... now I want to figure out how to properly tend it.  How can I best grab hold of what has been placed in my heart and use that to bring my life into greater alignment with the plans that my Father has for my life?

A little more...

I posted on Facebook the other day about missing home.  I felt like God wanted me to share a little more about that.  I post the happy, fun things…but not all the tears.  And I don’t think God necessarily wants me to post *all* the tears – but I did feel like, with this, he is telling me to share a little more.  I was really struggling emotionally over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I cried…a lot.  My eyes were sore from all the crying, and my heart ached.  You know that pain that you have in your heart when you are grieving…that is what I was feeling.  I was just feeling like I would give anything to be able to hug some people…to be able to stay up late talking and watching a movie and laughing…and I would still love to do those things. 

But…someone emailed me saying they were praying for me (I always appreciate that) and when I was writing the reply…I started writing about how I know that this is where God wants me right now.  How I know in my heart that I am walking out the plan that he has for my life at this time.  I was also sharing how I believe, more than ever, that God has plans for me here long term…that it’s not just for these 10 months but for much longer…and how that is exciting and a bit overwhelming all at the same time.  The point I am getting to is this: as I wrote that reply…I was being reminded of the things that God has spoken to me and the promises that he has shown me in my life and I felt this renewed sense of purpose.  The pain I was feeling faded away and was replaced with this surge of joy and excitement and wonder over what God has done in my life and where he has brought me.  I know I have mentioned so many times how God has changed my life, but if you could see how my life used to be and compared to what it is now…it is more than amazing to me.  But that’s another story…

So…while I am still very much missing some people and would be so thrilled to be able to see them…I also could not be happier than I am right now.  I think that the grieving process is normal, and a part of any life change this big.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with the emotions I have been feeling.   I think I have shared a little before that I have struggled with this idea in my mind that if I had a good enough relationship with God then I wouldn’t have “negative” emotions…only good ones.  I am learning from this to drop even more of my religious ideas (that I don’t’ even realize are there most of the time) that if I’m doing this “Christian thing” right…I won’t feel sad or down or lonely or have that awful ache in my heart. 

Life is an amazing adventure as long as you are breathing…I had this same view of life before I moved halfway across the globe.  I am so thankful that I get to experience this adventure with the joy that only God can provide…and I am thankful that he is there to comfort me when my heart hurts.  I am thankful that he is helping me to let go of the things that have gotten in the way of me having a deeper relationship with him.  :)

Changes...

I’m sitting here tonight listening to some music and basically kind of relaxing and a song on my playlist brought me back to the mission trip I went on in June of this year.  Suddenly I became very emotional…remembering that trip and the profoundly life changing things that came from it.  Most profound: God showed me some things that changed the way that I look at myself and gave me a new confidence in him. 

I am remembering some of the people I met and prayed with, one girl in particular, and my heart is touched.  I am remembering how moved I was by meeting this one young girl and praying with her regarding the situation she is in right now…a situation I walked through at her age.  But, that’s not really the point of this…

I remember a conversation that I had with Lezley (who was leading the trip along with her husband John) the night I prayed with this young girl…and towards the end of the conversation I told her how I felt like my life was on the verge of some huge changes…I told her I felt like I would be moving, but I didn’t know where.  I think I may have said that it felt like it would be a big move, like maybe to another state or something (haha).  I told her that I felt like I was standing at the edge of this huge cliff and God was telling me to jump and I was so ready to jump even though I had no clue what was waiting when I landed…or rather when he caught me :)

I just made the comment last night that music is powerful – and here it is.  This one song – which, by the way, is a song that I heard for the first time in John and Lezley’s van during the trip – took me back to that trip and all these memories began replaying and reminded me about that excitement I had about the mysterious changes I felt were coming.  And now here I am…not in another state, but another country – thousands of miles away; some of those changes no longer a mystery :)

God is still changing my life in some huge ways (I still feel some big changes coming...and they are still a mystery) but just here lately I have had some sadness over some things – and God is using this experience tonight to remind me of how suddenly and surprisingly he can make a thing happen…when I am following his plan for my life.  Here is one promise I can stand on forever…as long as I am following him and seeking *his* plan for my life…I will have no shortage of joy!  :)   What an amazing few months this has been…simply amazing. 

1,000 words...

I want to just share some random pictures that I have taken since being here in Tanzania!!!  I promised a post with pictures…and here it is!   :)

This is Banana Stew – we had this for lunch one day at school and at first I was a little wary.  Who puts bananas in stew?  But it’s good!  These bananas are probably more like plantains, it wasn’t sweet at all…it was sort of like a potato.

Here is Settie (she has rice on her nose from dinner) our faithful guard dog!  She relentlessly prowls the yard, keeping an eye out for *any* suspicious creatures, big or small.  She is really sweet though and is always eager for a pat on the head (which I will gladly give her if I am headed *in* to the house and can wash my hands)  :)  every now and then she will forget that she’s an outside dog and try to come in the house.

These little dried fish go in with rice and beans to make Settie’s meals.  They smell like…fish…little dried fish…and she loves them.  It’s kind of entertaining to see her delicately picking the fish out of her dinner.

This cool looking bug tried to dive bomb into my hair while I was sitting at the picnic tables at school…but slammed into the table instead.  I snapped a few pictures while he recovered.  He was big and loud!  I heard his buzzing as he flew in and moved just in time.

An adorable little lizard baby snuck in the house (shhh…don’t tell Settie) and tried to make a home in my yarn.  I caught him and placed him (gently…don’t call peta) outside…well I actually tricked him into running into a cup and then placed the cup (gently) outside.  I tried to explain to him that I was helping him out…but he wouldn’t exit the cup.  So the cup stayed on my window sill lol

We pasteurized our own cow’s milk!   

I was nervous at first because I was afraid 

I would ruin it or boil it too long…but It 

was fairly easy.  Fresh cow’s milk is cheaper 

here than the boxed milk and most certainly 

tastes better.  It actually tastes better than 

any milk I’ve had before. 

 

This is one the amazing avacados 

we have had here – they are huge!   

They are also pretty cheap.

about 1,000 shillings each, 

which is about 75 cents US.   

Aaaaannnnddddd 

the homemade tortilla chips 

that to go with the guacamole 

that came from the avocado!!!   

This was my first time making 

my own tortillas!!!  Woohoo :)

When we walked out of the hospital (where I had my broken tooth fixed) there is this drop off into a ravine that was covered with trees…it looked like a sea of green leaves.  This picture doesn’t really show it – but this view is looking over that ravine and across to a hill or part of the mountain.  The hospital was up the mountain a bit so there were some amazing views on the drive up…so breathtaking.

I will end with this picture!  This was exciting!!!  Getting my residence permit :)  It came so fast!!!  There are people here who applied a year ago and just now got theirs…I got mine in a few weeks.  I was so excited to get my passport back with the stamp in it!  It’s official...passport stamp and all!!