A little more...

I posted on Facebook the other day about missing home.  I felt like God wanted me to share a little more about that.  I post the happy, fun things…but not all the tears.  And I don’t think God necessarily wants me to post *all* the tears – but I did feel like, with this, he is telling me to share a little more.  I was really struggling emotionally over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I cried…a lot.  My eyes were sore from all the crying, and my heart ached.  You know that pain that you have in your heart when you are grieving…that is what I was feeling.  I was just feeling like I would give anything to be able to hug some people…to be able to stay up late talking and watching a movie and laughing…and I would still love to do those things. 

But…someone emailed me saying they were praying for me (I always appreciate that) and when I was writing the reply…I started writing about how I know that this is where God wants me right now.  How I know in my heart that I am walking out the plan that he has for my life at this time.  I was also sharing how I believe, more than ever, that God has plans for me here long term…that it’s not just for these 10 months but for much longer…and how that is exciting and a bit overwhelming all at the same time.  The point I am getting to is this: as I wrote that reply…I was being reminded of the things that God has spoken to me and the promises that he has shown me in my life and I felt this renewed sense of purpose.  The pain I was feeling faded away and was replaced with this surge of joy and excitement and wonder over what God has done in my life and where he has brought me.  I know I have mentioned so many times how God has changed my life, but if you could see how my life used to be and compared to what it is now…it is more than amazing to me.  But that’s another story…

So…while I am still very much missing some people and would be so thrilled to be able to see them…I also could not be happier than I am right now.  I think that the grieving process is normal, and a part of any life change this big.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with the emotions I have been feeling.   I think I have shared a little before that I have struggled with this idea in my mind that if I had a good enough relationship with God then I wouldn’t have “negative” emotions…only good ones.  I am learning from this to drop even more of my religious ideas (that I don’t’ even realize are there most of the time) that if I’m doing this “Christian thing” right…I won’t feel sad or down or lonely or have that awful ache in my heart. 

Life is an amazing adventure as long as you are breathing…I had this same view of life before I moved halfway across the globe.  I am so thankful that I get to experience this adventure with the joy that only God can provide…and I am thankful that he is there to comfort me when my heart hurts.  I am thankful that he is helping me to let go of the things that have gotten in the way of me having a deeper relationship with him.  :)

Changes...

I’m sitting here tonight listening to some music and basically kind of relaxing and a song on my playlist brought me back to the mission trip I went on in June of this year.  Suddenly I became very emotional…remembering that trip and the profoundly life changing things that came from it.  Most profound: God showed me some things that changed the way that I look at myself and gave me a new confidence in him. 

I am remembering some of the people I met and prayed with, one girl in particular, and my heart is touched.  I am remembering how moved I was by meeting this one young girl and praying with her regarding the situation she is in right now…a situation I walked through at her age.  But, that’s not really the point of this…

I remember a conversation that I had with Lezley (who was leading the trip along with her husband John) the night I prayed with this young girl…and towards the end of the conversation I told her how I felt like my life was on the verge of some huge changes…I told her I felt like I would be moving, but I didn’t know where.  I think I may have said that it felt like it would be a big move, like maybe to another state or something (haha).  I told her that I felt like I was standing at the edge of this huge cliff and God was telling me to jump and I was so ready to jump even though I had no clue what was waiting when I landed…or rather when he caught me :)

I just made the comment last night that music is powerful – and here it is.  This one song – which, by the way, is a song that I heard for the first time in John and Lezley’s van during the trip – took me back to that trip and all these memories began replaying and reminded me about that excitement I had about the mysterious changes I felt were coming.  And now here I am…not in another state, but another country – thousands of miles away; some of those changes no longer a mystery :)

God is still changing my life in some huge ways (I still feel some big changes coming...and they are still a mystery) but just here lately I have had some sadness over some things – and God is using this experience tonight to remind me of how suddenly and surprisingly he can make a thing happen…when I am following his plan for my life.  Here is one promise I can stand on forever…as long as I am following him and seeking *his* plan for my life…I will have no shortage of joy!  :)   What an amazing few months this has been…simply amazing. 

Grieving...

I am being reminded today that grieving is a process.  That even if years have passed, and you are usually “ok” (better than ok…great…amazing!) something can happen and trigger that thing deep inside you...  Every time this happens for me, I come out of it with more healing than I previously had…but I wonder (just me being honest) if there aren’t some things that will always carry a certain amount of pain with it?  Like…if you lose a child …will there ever be a time when there is no more pain attached to that?

I believe God is capable of anything…all things…and I believe (know…not believe…know) that he is in the business of restoring and repairing anyone who is broken (which is all of us in one way or another).  Even on days like this where my heart just feels sad and I cry easily, I am thankful beyond words for the way he has transformed my life and made me into a new person.

Part of my problem in this area is I don’t want to sit with this feeling, I want to do other things.  I want to be happy so I push away feelings that make me sad…and I am (just recently) having this learning experience where I really feel that God is showing me that sometimes…you just need to experience these feelings and allow him to comfort you.  As much as I don’t want to experience sad feelings – they are real…and the more I push them away, the longer it will take to receive complete healing in that area. 

I have also struggled with the feeling that…if I really trust God…I won’t be sad about things that have happened in the past.  But…I am seeing that more and more for the lie that it is.  Really…that’s just me wanting to have a really good “christian” reason for not feeling difficult feelings.  Now…I don’t believe that God created me to be sad – I believe that he created me to have a joyful life and a fulfilling relationship with him, but I also don’t believe that God wants me to just pretend that certain feelings don’t exist…which is what I’ve had a lot of practice doing…and I still have to overcome. 

So I am reminding myself today that even if my eyes are puffy from crying, I am thankful.  I am thankful for so many things that I can’t list them all here.  God is amazing.