I met someone...

Wow... it's hard to believe that I have already been back here in beautiful Tanzania for a month!! Life truly does fly by us, doesn't it?

So...you may (or may not) remember me mentioning my flights back home to Tanzania and that I met some amazing people. I had posted on Facebook about one woman in particular, and (finally) I want to share more about her. This is a long one guys...but it's worth it. God is amazing!

I had just finished rushing through the Dallas airport, praying I would make my 14 hour flight to Doha, Qatar. Walking down the aisle between seats, I stepped on the hem of a gown worn by the Muslim woman walking in front of me. In my mind I was like “oh no... did I just offend her? It's probably rude for me to even touch her gown and I just stepped on it with my dirty shoe.” I apologized and she said it was ok, and we kept moving. I get to my seat only to find someone in it. Someone wanted to trade their middle seat (between two seats) for my window seat, but...I wanted my window seat. An attendant had walked up and was telling the person they would have to move if I wanted my seat. I felt stuck...I wanted this other person to be comfortable...but I wanted to be comfortable too... and then I heard a voice say “the seat next to me is empty”.

I look over and it's the woman who's gown I stepped on. She is in a middle seat, and the aisle seat (which is truly my preference) is empty. I had this quick internal dialogue... what if she is mad at me for stepping on her... but then, why would she offer the seat next to her... what if this is awkward or I feel weird??

Let me stop here for a second and share something. I have encountered more Muslim people while living in Tanzania than I ever have in the U.S. and this has made me increasingly aware of some fears and anxieties that I had regarding Muslims. I have heard many negative things, and I have never had a close relationship with anyone who was Muslim. Towards the end of the school year (2014/2015) I prayed one simple prayer about this. I was swinging at school and I just said “God...I don't want to be scared of someone because they are different than me. Help me with this, help me to love people no matter how we are different from one another.” Now...back to the airplane.

I agree to the switch and take my amazing aisle seat (what a blessing). I'm getting situated...putting things away...and I pull on her gown again – now I'm thinking “great, she must think I'm so rude...why can't I be more careful!!” Now...seriously...if I had stepped on the hem of a woman's skirt...and then later accidentally pulled on her blouse while getting settled...I wouldn't have been happy about it but I wouldn't have been so anxious either. I was immediately worried that she would be mad at me just because I didn't look like her. I actually had a thought that she probably didn't like me because she probably thought that I wasn't dressed appropriately and she surely wouldn't like me because I was clumsy AND not covered enough (just being honest guys).

She starts talking to me (maybe she's not mad after all?) and asking me “where are you headed...what do you do?” I answer her "I'm a volunteer teacher, I'm headed to Tanzania...I'm a missionary, I teach at a Christian school."  Here comes another judgment... when I tell her that I'm a missionary and teach at a Christian school I think “now she won't like me for sure...” But she keeps talking to me as if she couldn't care less that I am a Christian. I find out that someone took her seat as well...small world, right?  Then she tells me... she too is a teacher... a volunteer teacher...a missionary like me...only for Islamic schools. She is my age...she is single (like me) and here is the kicker... she taught in Africa too... in Tanzania!!! WHAT??? We are like...the same.

We continue talking...and talk away the first 2 hours of the flight (you all know I can talk!) and learn even more things that we have in common. And from the moment we began talking...my fear and anxiety just left; and God started reminding me of my prayer at the swings. My new friend shared with me some information about Islam...but mostly she shared with me her heart for loving others.

During the flight, an attendant was giving out drinks. She asked what we would like and then made a comment something along the line of how it's nice to travel with a good friend and then asked how long my seat-mate and I had been friends. I said “oh...we just met on this flight” She seemed surprised and said “wow...that is beautiful.”

You know what? It is beautiful. It's beautiful that I can meet this woman who is my sister...all because God has laid it out. How amazing that this beautiful woman, with her kind heart and giving spirit is an instrument in answering my appeal to God to help me just love. Help me not to look at a person and see “Muslim” or any other label for that matter...help me to look at every person and just see what God sees. I am thankful for this life-changing meeting. I am thankful for this new friend, this new sister. I pray that we will stay connected and that – God willing - I will see her in person again one day. I am truly blessed.

The end of this chapter...

About 10 months ago...I had just arrived in Tanzania and I was sitting down to try and create this blog.  I couldn't think of a name for it and I was asking God to give me one.  Naming my blog felt like a big deal to me and I wanted the name to mean something.  I was drinking out of a coffee cup and was just sitting staring at it and reading the verse on it over and over and...that's where the name of my blog came from.

Isaiah 43:1
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

I love this verse - it reminds me of some very important facts.
1) God has redeemed me completely
2) He has summoned me, by name...me - specifically
3) I belong to him and he loves me!

That verse has special meaning to me now :)  But, I'll be honest... I never remembered the "address" of the verse.  I forgot that it was in Isaiah for sure... I only remembered what it meant to me.

But then about a week and half ago I was talking to God and I asked him for a verse.  All I got was 432... so I looked at page 432 of my Bible.  That wasn't it.  But I know that 432 was right... So I just started looking at each book of the Bible...4th chapter...and looking for verse 32.  Nothing... so I started looking at chapter 43, verse 2.  As soon as I got to Isaiah 43:2... I knew I'd found it.



Isaiah 43:2
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fires of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

So I took a picture with my phone, so that I could read this verse any time - even when I wasn't at home with my Bible. I've read it, I don't know how many times... and yesterday I decided I wanted to find an image to set as the lock screen on my phone.  So I started searching online and one of the first images that came up had Isaiah 43:1-2 on it.  Until that moment...I had no clue that the verse I had been looking at for over a week was the continuation of the one that God had given me almost a year ago.

I am still mulling over the fact that God gave me a verse when I first arrived here, and then gave me the continuation of it right before I am leaving for the U.S.  It is a reminder for me of those three facts contained in verse 1...and a reminder for me that God is always thinking of me.

It feels sort of like those verses are the first and last pages of a chapter... so much has happened between those two verses...those two pages.  This chapter is so full!  My life has been changed forever; I have been changed forever.

I can't wait to see how the next year unfolds!  God is good :)

40 weeks...

The other day I was looking at a calendar, counting the number of weeks that I have been in Tanzania and I made a discovery...  I have been here, in Tanzania, for almost 39 full weeks... and by the time I board a plane for the U.S. I will have been here for just over 41 weeks.

When I was counting and hit 40, my immediate thought was that 40 weeks is the length of pregnancy.  That felt like a huge realization to me, and I began looking at some of the things that God has been birthing in me over the past (almost) 40 weeks. 

These months have been a time of huge growth in many areas of my life.  I feel that I have grown and changed so much.  I can say, with certainty, that my relationship with God has changed deeply. 

I have grown to know him more as a father and I have had deeper revelations of his love for me.  I have had times when I felt so very far from God...times when it felt like a struggle to even talk to him...and I have had times where I have felt closer to him than ever before.

I have learned to rely on him for peace more and more.  Moving halfway across the world is...hard.  I have faced struggles and difficulties that I never expected, new (and sometimes scary) situations, uncertainty and sadness... and in all these situations he has been right here by my side.  I have found peace and comfort in stressful and uncomfortable places/situations over and over again.

I have also had so, so many times of rejoicing with God and thanking him for the amazing things that he has made possible in my life.  So many amazing experiences, learning from my kids (on a daily basis) about God's love and power. 

The list goes on... God has also healed me of some things that I didn't even realize were still buried deeply.  He has helped me to see a greater level of the joy that is possible in life...  our capacity for joy is unimaginable - maybe I could say he has increased my capacity for joy by helping me rid myself of some of the things that were taking up space.

Life is an amazing adventure...and I am so thankful!!!  God loves me... I am precious and valuable to him... he is a good father!  :)

darkness to light...

God is always helping me to learn more and more about myself.  I believe that if I am willing to learn, and choose to be open to seeing and hearing - God will speak to me always.

Not too long ago, I asked God to show me any lies that I still believe.  Something can get stuck in our minds as a result of...anything... any type of experience - good or bad.  God has helped me to become aware of lies that were in my mind... lies that I believed so fully that at first - when God was showing me "this is a lie" my reaction was "no...that is reality".

One lie in my mind that God is revealing to me right now... is that I am bad.  It's a lie that I have addressed in the past, but is apparently still down in there.  (Layers...right?  my friend Ginny would remind me of the fact that healing happens in layers at this point)  I know where it comes from - there were plenty of times that I was told that I was bad...and other times that I heard that repeated in my mind after something negative happened...reinforcing the lie.

I am praying about this lie... I want it out of my mind.  I am asking God to help me to get rid of it forever and replace it with his truth.  So... I started writing down some verses (many of which I have written in the past...multiple times) and two verses in particular stand out like a light in the dark.

Psalm 18:28... (NIV) You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
This verse stood out to me about 1 1/2 - 2 years ago and it has been a favorite since then.  I especially like the wording of the NIV because it says "my God turns my darkness to light"... He turns the darkness in my life into light!!!  That is so exciting to me!

1 Peter 2:9... (NLT) But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.
This is a new favorite...like in the past week or two.  I LOVE how it says that I can show the goodness of God because he called me out of the darkness and into HIS wonderful light!!!  

My life used to be filled with darkness, and I never would have thought that I could have so much of God's light in my life.  God called me out of the darkness... and I answered that call because I did not want the darkness.  I was drawn to his light...I wanted more than what the darkness promised me.

I am sharing all of this because... I feel like God wants me to.  Just a few days before I left the U.S. to come to Tanzania I had a powerful, life-changing experience with obeying God when he wants me to share something... even if it seems pointless.  It can be life altering for one person...and that is all that matters.  

God loves each and every one of us...me...you... so much.  He has a wonderful, perfect plan for our lives.  He desires a deep relationship with us... for us to know his perfect love.  This is the truth about me, and you... that God loves us and loves for us to love him.  He is not angry at us for messing up, he is not angry at us for not being perfect.  He does not look at me and see a mistake, something bad... he looks at me and sees his beautiful daughter!  He delights in me and smiles on me... he sings songs over me.  He created me, very specifically...and had a plan for my life before I ever existed.  He LOVES me!!! 

eternity in my heart...

Tonight I opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes and started reading at chapter 2.  I stopped at Ecclesiastes 3:11 - "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."


I have read the "He has made all things beautiful in it's time" part many times, in many places - I even used to have a little decorative plate with that on it.  A friend gave it to me and I was sad to part with it when I came to Tanzania.  I have referred to that portion of this verse many times in the past several years.  God has truly transformed some ugly things in my life into beautiful things, and I am so thankful!


That second part though... I've read it before, but tonight it's blowing my mind.  "He has planted eternity in the human heart"  that means He has planted eternity in my heart.  And what, exactly, does that mean?  In my mind, at this moment, it means that he has put everything in my heart.  Everything that I need to know, everything that I need to know him... everything that I need to walk out His plan for my life.  He has put everything from beginning to end...in my heart.  That's huge!  That is crazy...

Then the last of it... "but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end"  that part... God has all these amazing plans... for my life, for your life, for my neighbors life, for the lives of the precious children that I teach at school, for the lives of those two little babies that I held this Sunday at church; but no matter how hard I try I will never understand or be able to see any more than just a tiny glimpse of any of it.

I told someone tonight "I just wish I could see the future right now".  Many times it seems as if life would be so much easier if I could just see what will happen next week, next month, next year!  But we all know that's not how it works.

I am so thankful that God knows what my future holds.  I am thankful that He has a very detailed plan for all of my tomorrows, and all I have to do is hold His hand and follow His lead.  I am beyond thankful that He has created so much beauty in my life and continues to create more.  He has planted eternity in my heart... now I want to figure out how to properly tend it.  How can I best grab hold of what has been placed in my heart and use that to bring my life into greater alignment with the plans that my Father has for my life?

The power of love...

I had a rather profound moment with one of my kids yesterday and I wanted to share it.

I walked into my classroom to find two children during a time when they were supposed to be outside.  I tell them to head outside to play.  One does, the other stays where she has planted herself...on the floor in the corner.

She has her backpack sitting next to her, she just arrived a few minutes ago and she did not give me a hug - which she does every single day.  She is being a little sulky and I ask her "why aren't you playing outside?"  She answers "I can't...because my leg hurts."  I say I'm sorry that her leg hurts, and remind her that she is not allowed to be in the classroom at this time, but we can sit outside together.

She has a colored pencil in her hand and I have already asked her, "Is that your pencil or mine?  It looks like my pencil."  She answered "It's mine, I brought it from home."

I tell her to put the pencil back in her bag because it looks like my pencil and I might confuse it and try to keep it, and say "After you put your pencil away come and sit with me!"  I can tell she is feeling down...she is never this sulky... I wonder if she's getting sick.

She comes, with the pencil and her backpack and sits in my lap... I ask what's wrong... no response.  I tell her I'm sorry she is not feeling well this morning and give her a hug.  She leaves her head on my shoulder, arms around my neck...acting like she is about to cry.  I hug her longer and tell her "I love you so much...and guess what...God loves you so much.  You are so special!  I'm sorry you are having a hard morning, but I am praying that it will get better."

She sits back...looks at me with tears in her eyes... and holds up the colored pencil.  She says "Ms. Cynthia... here."  I have this short moment of confusion and then I realize... she was taking it when I walked in.  I happened to walk in as she was about to place it in her backpack.  THAT is why she is so sad...she feels guilty.

I look at her and the tears in her eyes and I take the pencil.  I say "Oh, this was my pencil and you were going to take it home?"  She nods her head, so sad.  I ask her to look at my eyes and I tell her "I am so very proud of you right now.  Thank you so much.  Look at this good choice that you made.  I am proud of you for telling the truth and I love you just as much as I did before."

I was shocked...the bravery that it took for her to do that, tears in her eyes.  But the illustration that God gave me out of this... WOW.  In the midst of her doing something naughty... taking something that belongs to me, sinning against me... I showed her love.  I hugged her and comforted her and told her how loved she was.  She clearly saw that I believed that this was her pencil...but she chose, instead of keeping it, to face the shame of confessing her sin and giving it back to me.

God, let me be so brave as this sweet little 4 year old when I have made a mistake.  Let me be so anchored in your love and my awareness of your love for me that I bravely stand up in the face of my poor choices and make things right.  The power of love... there are no words to describe it.

I am thankful to God for the countless examples of his love for me that he is showing me day after day.  So very thankful!

God loves me...

This morning I got some news that some people that I care about very much are suffering some harsh consequences for some poor choices they have made... this news came through a third person.  Because I am unable to communicate directly with these people (being in Africa makes communication a bit tricky in certain situations) I was thinking that I wish I could talk to them; of the things I would like to say.  I was feeling sad that I can't say to them "I love you, God loves you".

So with lots of prayer...and on the verge of tears...I am starting circle time for my preschoolers... we start every morning with prayer and this morning as I am preparing to start our prayer... other words come out of my mouth.  God was definitely speaking to me...and I believe to the ones I love...through me.

I told my kids "Do you know that God loves you?"
They answer "yes"
Me: "do you know how much God loves you?"
Kids: mostly silence...a few say "a lot"
Me: "I want you to picture in your head something or someone that you love the most.  raise your hand when you see that picture"
Kids: eyes closed...hands start to go up as they get their picture
Me: "now...feel how much you love that person or thing...feel how much it makes your heart happy"
Kids: smiling, still with their eyes closed
Me: "God loves you MORE than that!  and guess what...He loves you all the time, whether you are happy or sad, whether you are being naughty or making good choices, do you know that?"
Kids: some say no and some say yes...
Me: "what if you are being naughty...does God still love you?"
Kids: "NO!"  (all of them)
Me: "No?  guess what... the answer is yes... He still loves you even when you are being naughty or making poor choices.  What about if you are not listening to your teacher, or if you are sitting in the time out chair...does God still love you?"
Kids: like 3 or 4 "yes" and the rest "NO!"
Me: "The answer is yes again!  Even if you are not listening to your teacher or you are in the time out chair...God still loves you just as much as when you are making good choices.  What about this...what if you are saying mean words to a friend...what if you push your friend down and make them cry...does God still love you?"
Kids: some yell "YES!" immediately... the rest say "yes" after a few seconds.
Me: "YES!!! God always always loves you!  there is never a time when He does not love you, even if you say mean words and make your friend cry He loves you just as much as when you make your friend happy."

At the end of this exchange...the kids were talking about how God loves you even when you are sad and how he protects you when you are sad and makes you feel better.  I had been feeling pretty sad before this whole thing...so that was pretty amazing too.

Even as all these words were coming out...I was listening and thinking... this...THIS is what I would say to them.  These are the things I would say to them.. God loves you... God loves you even though you made bad choices and HE can help you walk away from those bad choices.  God is able...God is bigger... God loves you NO MATTER WHAT!

God's love for me, for them, for you is not conditional.  He surely does not delight in my poor choices, and poor choices have consequences whether I follow God or not... but He does love me with a love that is beyond all others.  He loves me if I am doing good, or if I am struggling and falling into sin... He loves me... always

What do you mean, 'If I can'?

Today on Facebook I saw an image that a friend shared.  It was a picture of some verses from Mark 9 and one verse in particular was highlighted. 

Mark 9:23 - "What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes."

Yes...it is part of a larger story, but seeing just that portion highlighted really made it stick in my mind.  This is the New Living Translation and the way that it's phrased "What do you mean 'If I can'?" is pretty clear.  

My birthday just passed and my mind has been full of thoughts about where my life is right now...and where I thought my life would be by now.  Reality doesn't really meet up with my expectations and sometimes that leaves me feeling less than thankful.  

I have been facing some lies that are still rooted in my thoughts lately, and one of those lies is that God either cannot or will not help me in certain areas.  I feel like I have been walking down a rather long path of healing - to be fair it's been many, many years - and I realized that I have this lie in my mind that says that God can't heal some things.  Another lie is that God doesn't want to fulfill the desires of my heart because he doesn't really want me to be happy.  

Reading this verse makes me think of all those lies that say that certain things are not possible.  The words "What do you mean 'If I can'?" keep swirling around in my head and I keep seeing one "issue" after another that this applies to.  I am not a quitter...I don't give up...but I am seeing areas where I have built some walls around some of my greatest desires because, somewhere, I believe that it's impossible.  

I do honestly believe in my heart that God has an amazing plan for my life; he has saved me from some pretty impossible situations, and I know he has a purpose in that.  I also believe that as long as I am following him...walking out his plan for my life...I will be filled with joy no matter where I am.  Having said all that...it's hard sometimes, trusting in God for something that seems unlikely, or even impossible.  Thankfully times of peace and comfort easily outweigh the hard times.  

My love for God is not based on him providing me with the things that I want or even the things that I feel like I need.  And even if I am still writing this same blog post in five years...my love for God will not be diminished because of it. 

So it's my birthday...

Today is my birthday.  I have had such a wonderful day, completely filled with friends loving on me and spending time with me.  (Quality time is for sure one of my main love languages)

During this day...I have been filled with joy and thankfulness.  But...my birthday used to be one my least favorite days of the year.  I used to dread birthdays and the time leading up to my birthday is still a painful time for me.

But today...as I thanked God for the fact that I am alive...I actually thanked him for the fact that I was born.  I have never in my life expressed gratitude for that - and today those words just came out when I was thanking God for this day. 

In the past, I routinely questioned God's judgement in regards to my birth.  I believed that God had either made a mistake, or had nothing to do with my creation at all.  I used to say that I wished I had never been born...that I hadn't lived.  And today for the first time I actually thanked God that I was born.

My life used to mean nothing to me...I wanted to throw it away.  I had chosen to end my life at one point because I was tired of the pain that I lived in every day.  I believed that my life had no value or worth and birthdays only served to remind me that...had I never been born, I wouldn't have had to live with the memory of so many painful experiences. 

So...I just wanted to take a few minutes to share the fact that my life has been drastically changed...to the point that I am so thankful that I am still alive.  Thankful that God saved me...thankful that I was born!!!  God can redeem anything, even the most unfair things.  He can heal the deepest wounds and make what seems like a worthless life into something amazing and wonderful.  Because of what God has done in my life, I know that he is capable of all things.  He can bring life where there is death, and turn the darkness to light!

I am thankful that God created me, that he saved me...and that he LOVES me!