Recently God began asking me "Do you trust me?". This question has come in a few circumstances and my answer has been "No...not really." So when that question started coming, and I searched my heart and came back with the honest answer that maybe I don't fully trust God to provide the very best (even though the road to "the very best" is sometimes - dare I say often - painful) I began asking "God, help me to trust you more...no not more...help me to trust you completely!"
Have you ever heard the expression "Be careful what you pray for"? Well...this past week I got some less than desirable news. Wait...let me be honest...it didn't feel less than desirable... it felt devastating. I immediately entered a zone where I had two choices... I could either trust God or give in to hopelessness. Guess what happened? I was actually surprised at myself...I won't lie. My trust in God far outweighed the hopelessness. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at that...but I am. Even a couple of years ago, I think even one year ago, I would have handled this situation in a completely different way.
Don't get me wrong...there were tears, and if I spend much time thinking of the possible negative outcome...there are still tears. There was fear...but God didn't put His Spirit within me so that I can live in fear...so I knew I had to fight against that fear and not give it a place...easier said than done by the way...especially when fear has only recently been evicted from the it's dark hiding place in my heart. But overwhelmingly...my mind has remained focused on God's goodness and His ability to create the most spectacular miracles.
So today I thought of something. Maybe...my answer of "No, not really" came from a place of being unaware. If you were to ask me "Can you pick up a 50 lb weight and carry it across the room" I would probably say "I think so" Because I know, based on past experience, how much weight I can safely lift and carry. But I won't really know if I am able...until I try. I can lift and carry a 50 lb toddler...but I might find it to be a bit different picking up a 50 lb weight. It's in the process of doing it that I learn for sure if I am able.
So, here I am, in the process (which I am starting to think of as "faith lifting" you know...like weight lifting...get it???) and you know what I am learning? My faith is stronger than I thought. I'm actually looking at this situation and, with complete honesty, saying "God, no matter how this turns out, I trust that you have a spectacular plan for my life". Every now and then I am surprised all over again with the peace and comfort that I feel in the midst of something that could have me crying on the floor in fear and helplessness. Only because of the Holy Spirit am I able to have this comfort and peace...only because of His strength in me am I able to rest in this faith. It's really quite amazing.
I still sort of consider myself to be a "baby Christian" (although I prefer the term "friends with Jesus" over Christian) and in these moments I am left in awe of the way that God is gifting me with peace in the storm. A peace that I have done nothing to deserve or create and cannot, in any way, sustain without Him. I am, once again, blown away because His love and provision are so amazing. He is good...even when life doesn't seem that good.
p.s. I want to share a couple of the verses that really help me through difficult moments. If I begin to feel discouraged or fearful...these are two of the top verses that I draw comfort from.
Isaiah 46:10
Only I (God) can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, I do whatever I wish
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I (God) will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Friday, October 7, 2016
Expectations...
I have some pretty high expectation for myself. Like...sometimes...these expectations walk the line of perfection. And while I am pretty amazing... I am far from perfect. So this morning I was reading in a devotional and...as sometimes happens... I read this one sentence that has now been bouncing around in my mind for a while... (I can't be the only one who experiences this "whoa! that is amazing" feeling and then spends a whole day - or week - contemplating something...)
What I was reading was basically asking if the ends justify the means. If the outcome is "good" (a relative term...sure) does it matter how you get there? In the middle of the paragraph was this sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do." I read that sentence...and then I read it again, and again... and then my mind started gluing it together with some things I've been contemplating this morning - namely... Why do I still struggle with my identity and value??? Here's how it went in my head: I read that sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do" and my mind went to "Just like God cares as much about the journey I am walking as He does about the finish" then to "God is happy to walk with me as I continue to learn my identity and value...He is not disappointed that I'm not 'there' yet".
In the past, I have struggled quite a bit with guilt and shame over why I haven't made enough progress in some area...or why I still struggle in some area. Why am I not perfect??? It seems silly to say it that way...why am I not perfect... but that is sort of what I expect from myself at times, and let's be real... as long as I am living...I will fall far short of perfection. I am not saying that I should just go along and do whatever I feel like doing...I've lived that life and it led me to some pretty unhappy places, but at the same time...I shouldn't beat myself up for the fact that I'm not perfect.
Back to my thoughts this morning - before I read that one sentence - about my value and identity. At one time, I had a very dismal view of my value and identity...that has changed drastically, and because of these drastic changes... I don't get into that guilt and shame (over just about anything) the way that I used to...but still sometimes I can feel the tugging of those old thoughts "what is wrong with me? if I worked at this harder it would be better by now. why can't I just get over _______?"
Darkness that is familiar to us will often try to drag us back into old thought patterns. Thankfully...I recognize it almost immediately now. Where I used to spend days (weeks...longer?) upset with myself because I had failed in some way or hadn't reached some goal; I now am able to look on the progress that I have made and thank God that whatever mistake or misstep occurred is taking me closer to healing.
Sometimes, I can get so focused on the finish line that I can't see the race. My vision is so zoned in on the end goal that I don't value each step that is taking me closer to it. There is value in the journey that I am walking. Each step has value... even if it feels like a step in the wrong direction. I can never reach the finish line without each step that takes me towards it.
So... today I am thankful that, even though I still have some things to learn about who I am and how valuable I am, I have learned so much about my identity and value over the past few years. Also, I choose to be thankful that I am currently walking through some lessons that will take me even closer to finding my value not in other people...but in God alone. One step closer to perfection y'all ;)
What I was reading was basically asking if the ends justify the means. If the outcome is "good" (a relative term...sure) does it matter how you get there? In the middle of the paragraph was this sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do." I read that sentence...and then I read it again, and again... and then my mind started gluing it together with some things I've been contemplating this morning - namely... Why do I still struggle with my identity and value??? Here's how it went in my head: I read that sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do" and my mind went to "Just like God cares as much about the journey I am walking as He does about the finish" then to "God is happy to walk with me as I continue to learn my identity and value...He is not disappointed that I'm not 'there' yet".
In the past, I have struggled quite a bit with guilt and shame over why I haven't made enough progress in some area...or why I still struggle in some area. Why am I not perfect??? It seems silly to say it that way...why am I not perfect... but that is sort of what I expect from myself at times, and let's be real... as long as I am living...I will fall far short of perfection. I am not saying that I should just go along and do whatever I feel like doing...I've lived that life and it led me to some pretty unhappy places, but at the same time...I shouldn't beat myself up for the fact that I'm not perfect.
Back to my thoughts this morning - before I read that one sentence - about my value and identity. At one time, I had a very dismal view of my value and identity...that has changed drastically, and because of these drastic changes... I don't get into that guilt and shame (over just about anything) the way that I used to...but still sometimes I can feel the tugging of those old thoughts "what is wrong with me? if I worked at this harder it would be better by now. why can't I just get over _______?"
Darkness that is familiar to us will often try to drag us back into old thought patterns. Thankfully...I recognize it almost immediately now. Where I used to spend days (weeks...longer?) upset with myself because I had failed in some way or hadn't reached some goal; I now am able to look on the progress that I have made and thank God that whatever mistake or misstep occurred is taking me closer to healing.
Sometimes, I can get so focused on the finish line that I can't see the race. My vision is so zoned in on the end goal that I don't value each step that is taking me closer to it. There is value in the journey that I am walking. Each step has value... even if it feels like a step in the wrong direction. I can never reach the finish line without each step that takes me towards it.
So... today I am thankful that, even though I still have some things to learn about who I am and how valuable I am, I have learned so much about my identity and value over the past few years. Also, I choose to be thankful that I am currently walking through some lessons that will take me even closer to finding my value not in other people...but in God alone. One step closer to perfection y'all ;)
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