Expectations...

I have some pretty high expectation for myself.  Like...sometimes...these expectations walk the line of perfection.  And while I am pretty amazing... I am far from perfect.  So this morning I was reading in a devotional and...as sometimes happens... I read this one sentence that has now been bouncing around in my mind for a while... (I can't be the only one who experiences this "whoa! that is amazing" feeling and then spends a whole day - or week - contemplating something...)

What I was reading was basically asking if the ends justify the means.  If the outcome is "good" (a relative term...sure) does it matter how you get there?  In the middle of the paragraph was this sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do."  I read that sentence...and then I read it again, and again... and then my mind started gluing it together with some things I've been contemplating this morning - namely...  Why do I still struggle with my identity and value???   Here's how it went in my head: I read that sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do" and my mind went to "Just like God cares as much about the journey I am walking as He does about the finish" then to "God is happy to walk with me as I continue to learn my identity and value...He is not disappointed that I'm not 'there' yet".

In the past, I have struggled quite a bit with guilt and shame over why I haven't made enough progress in some area...or why I still struggle in some area.  Why am I not perfect???  It seems silly to say it that way...why am I not perfect... but that is sort of what I expect from myself at times, and let's be real... as long as I am living...I will fall far short of perfection.  I am not saying that I should just go along and do whatever I feel like doing...I've lived that life and it led me to some pretty unhappy places, but at the same time...I shouldn't beat myself up for the fact that I'm not perfect.

Back to my thoughts this morning - before I read that one sentence - about my value and identity.  At one time, I had a very dismal view of my value and identity...that has changed drastically, and because of these drastic changes... I don't get into that guilt and shame (over just about anything) the way that I used to...but still sometimes I can feel the tugging of those old thoughts "what is wrong with me?  if I worked at this harder it would be better by now.  why can't I just get over _______?"

Darkness that is familiar to us will often try to drag us back into old thought patterns.  Thankfully...I recognize it almost immediately now.  Where I used to spend days (weeks...longer?) upset with myself because I had failed in some way or hadn't reached some goal; I now am able to look on the progress that I have made and thank God that whatever mistake or misstep occurred is taking me closer to healing.

Sometimes, I can get so focused on the finish line that I can't see the race.  My vision is so zoned in on the end goal that I don't value each step that is taking me closer to it.  There is value in the journey that I am walking.  Each step has value... even if it feels like a step in the wrong direction. I can never reach the finish line without each step that takes me towards it. 

So... today I am thankful that, even though I still have some things to learn about who I am and how valuable I am, I have learned so much about my identity and value over the past few years.  Also, I choose to be thankful that I am currently walking through some lessons that will take me even closer to finding  my value not in other people...but in God alone.  One step closer to perfection y'all  ;)