That bitterness though...

I recently posted a blog about some of the struggles that I have been going through because of a cyst on my ovary.  I have learned, and am still learning, some valuable lessons from this experience on trust, fear, hearing God, listening for God...the list goes on.  But I want to share with you a lesson on bitterness.

I have struggled with bitterness...a lot.  I've shared before that I have had difficulties in my life - haven't we all - and I've shared that I've been hurt by people - again...not uncommon, who hasn't experienced pain at the actions or words of another person, whether it was intentional or not?  My childhood was difficult and bitterness was rooted in my life at an early age.  It has taken me a long time to get away from the thinking of "why me?" or "why not me?".

Why does she get that and I don't?  Why did that have to happen to me?  Those type of thoughts are never productive.  Every single human has them at some point...but I let these thoughts have free reign in my mind and emotions for quite some time.  Breaking the pattern and habit of those thoughts, to bring the focus of my thoughts around to the things in my life that I can be thankful for has taken lot's of work with God. 

I already shared that, when I found out about the cyst, I had a conversation with God about how this entire situation would be so different if I was married and already had children... I told Him that I don't understand why that hasn't happened yet... I want, very much to have a family, and He knows that.  Two days after I found out about the cyst... I was preparing to leave the house, I suddenly had this flash of anger and hurt feelings and I told God "I don't want to see a bunch of pregnant women today... I don't want to see one person post on Facebook that they just found out they are pregnant... and I don't want to see a bunch of people with babies either... ok?"

You know what He said to me?  He said "I want you to pray for women who are trying to get pregnant"  Like... what?  Seriously, He said that to me... when I was in the middle of crying because I was afraid I was about to lose the ability to become pregnant myself.  Who does that???  I stopped and told Him... "I don't want to do that God.  That's not fair... that I should have to pray for other women to have the very thing that I want...and may be losing!"  and then I said... "ok... but I need you to help me,"

I got the idea to go to Facebook and post asking if any women were trying to get pregnant and wanted prayer...to message me.  So, before I left the house, I did that.  Within a couple of days I had a list of 15 women...and I started praying for them every night.  The first few days - I will admit - were hard.  Very little in me wanted to do this...except that I *knew* God was asking me to do it..and I wanted to obey.  A few days into it... I was praying and God told me a specific woman was going to be pregnant within that month...and I felt like even that same week.  I wrote it down, and I anxiously waited to hear the news... That same woman announced her pregnancy on Thanksgiving!!!  The excitement of waiting for her announcement sort of made me forget that nagging jealous feeling... it turned to joy and expectation instead.

Out of this... something amazing has happened.  An area where I have, with pretty valid reasons, struggled with bitterness... is now an area where I am excited to pray for others to see breakthrough.  Where I have struggled so much with jealousy and great sadness...  I'm not struggling anymore.  To me...that's a pretty amazing breakthrough!  That, my friends, is beauty for ashes...joy for mourning!!!

I think this act of praying for others to have the very thing I have lost, and have feared I am losing forever, has broken something off of me...at least in that specific area.  It's broken off this thought that - if she gets what I want...then there may not be enough left for me to have it as well.  You know that thought?  It gets buried down in there sometimes and I don't even think I was consciously aware that I was thinking it...but really that's what I think is going on when someone has or gets something we ourselves want and, instead of feeling joyful for them, we feel jealous and hurt.  Why would someone else's blessing make me feel somehow "less than" unless I have this broken belief in me that there isn't enough for both of us...

I am excited at this lesson because that ugly little jealous, hurt feeling is something I have wanted to be free from for a long time.  I'm not saying this is a method that will rid me of that in every area of my life, but choosing to pray for someone to be blessed surely doesn't leave much room for jealousy and sadness when their blessing comes! 

The desire of my heart is to pour out on others the love that God has poured into me...and I don't want the pouring out to be clogged up with things like jealousy and rejection.  I understand how those things got so deeply rooted into me... but now it's time for them to be gone for good!  There is no limit to the blessings that God can, and will, pour out onto us.  He enjoys surprising us with blessings in a way that leave us in awe of His power and love for us...and I want to be more intentional about partnering with Him in that and seeking ways that I can be a blessing to others.  God, please help me to always remember that there is enough for everyone... for her and for me... and that her blessing doesn't, in any way, diminish what you have for me!!!

A Christmas miracle...

I have been waiting to be able to write this blog post!!!  This one will probably get a bit emotional...I will probably cry...but I'm nothing if not real so...

When I came back to the US...I was hurting...and the hurting was getting worse, not better.  So...after I got around to finding a doctor, she ordered an ultrasound... but then I needed second one... so all of this takes a few months and eventually I found out I had a cyst on my left ovary.  But first... 

A little bit of background... there are basically two types of ovarian cysts: simple and complex.  The shortest description is that simple cysts usually resolve on their own but complex cysts usually require medication (which I cannot take due to a blood disorder I have been diagnosed with) or surgery.  Both types of cysts cause discomfort and pain.  Another bit of history...I already lost one ovary due to complex cysts... so this is the only one I have.

Now...I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - or PCOS -  years ago...after I lost one ovary.  PCOS causes multiple, simple cysts to form on the ovaries (or ovary in my case).  I have become accustomed to the pain that is associated with cysts... so I knew going in for the ultrasound that I had a cyst.  I prayed and asked God to cause that cyst to rupture (and heal me from  PCOS...no more cysts!) before the ultrasound; so when I was finally sitting in the doctor's office for my results...I was surprised to hear that I had good-sized cyst on my ovary.  And it was a complex cyst, the kind that doesn't really go away on it's own.  And it had a septation...and nodules (btw... just a tip... don't ever google little bits of medical information like this after you leave the doctors office)

If you happened to read my post in October "Learning to trust" - it was about this. Just a short run-down on where I was with all this.  I've had plenty of simple cysts...but never a complex cyst... on my left ovary.  The only other time I had complex cysts...I lost my ovary.  I was scared.  I was concerned that I would lose my ovary... and I really want to be able to have children one day.  When the doctor told me about the cyst; immediately all these thoughts started pelting my mind... I'll spare you from listing them individually, but they were all along these lines...
Will I lose my ovary like before?
Am I going to lose my ability to have children?
Why didn't God heal me?

Ever since I first prayed for healing from PCOS, every single time I have had an ultrasound - and I've had a lot of ultrasounds - I get so excited because I have asked God to bring back the right ovary that I lost.  I get so excited every time I have an ultrasound because I think "this will be the time that the right ovary is there and the doctor will be surprised and I can share how I've prayed for God to bring it back."  I have an expectation for that... I had an expectation for God to heal me of that cyst too...I knew it was going to happen... I just *knew* there would be no cyst when I went for that second ultrasoud.  But there was.

Let's go back to me sitting in the doctor's office...with all these negative thoughts attacking my mind... I started crying.  I had this moment of feeling so totally rejected (He didn't heal me...and it could be bad) and scared - and I took a breath and said "I trust you, God."  When I left there, I was still crying; I texted a few friends, asking for prayer, and at the end I added "I trust that God has a plan for my life...and it's an amazing one...no matter how this goes".  For the next two days I cried off and on, I told God I was scared, and I told Him "If I had a husband and kids right now, this wouldn't be such a difficult thing ya know"  (He said He knew that) and I told God how unfair it would be...how vastly unfair it would be, after everything I have walked through, for me to not be able to have my own child because of a stupid cyst.  (He didn't really need me to tell Him that either I guess)

None of that changed the fact that when I went for a follow up ultrasound...I had more cysts... and more pain... and more tears.  I actually had a tough few days after that one.  But every time I got scared... I went to God.  I continued to remind myself of who He is and who He isn't.  He is good, not bad...He loves me, He doesn't hate me...He is for me (completely), not against me... He is merciful...He does not ever set me up for failure.  I reminded myself that God has the most amazing plan for my life... and if it includes biological children...then I will have them.  If it doesn't...I won't.  But God has promised me children.  He never promised me that they would share my DNA...but He has promised me more children than I can even count.  And God doesn't break His promises.

I had this moment...about 3 weeks ago... I was talking to God about...things...I can't remember what... and I had this moment where I looked back at some of the changes that have taken place in me during this struggle with the cyst.  I was contemplating why God wouldn't have healed me, when I believed so strongly that He would...why would He allow me to walk away so broken...when I walked in feeling so sure of a report in my favor???  God told me, "I could have healed you when you first asked...but look what we would have missed out on"  What WE would have missed out on...Him and me.  My relationship with Him is stronger for having walked through this...my trust in Him is stronger because of it... and my awareness of who HE says I am is greater as a result.  Something has shifted in me during this process...and it feels like a huge shift.  I am not the same.

So here's the part I've been waiting to be able to share... waiting for months because I knew it would come one way or another... night before last I was hurting - which is not uncommon... I was at a Christmas party and towards the end I was wanting to leave because I had started hurting pretty bad.  All I could think of was getting home to lay down..which usually helps the pain.  That night it didn't help.  I tried a heating pad...that made it worse, which is not typical at all.  I took Tylenol... it didn't help.  I was praying through this and I told God "if I am supposed to go to the ER, make the pain unbearable...otherwise I will wait until tomorrow and call the doctor"  (I greatly dislike the ER...for many reasons)  About 30 minutes later...I was on the way to the ER.  I texted a friend....she didn't answer.  I started to call...I felt God say no...  I told God on the way to the ER "see...I should have a husband with me right now... I'm not supposed to go to the ER alone..."  (just in case he forgot that I am past marrying age)  He didn't need my reminder...He knew.  Fast forward to me waiting for the test results... I'm praying... I'm hurting... and the thought comes again - I should have someone here with me... I shouldn't be alone.  I reached for my phone, but again God said no.  I had been praying this whole time...but in just one moment I had this idea to invite Jesus to be a stand in since no one was there with me.  And, of course, He was glad to do this...since it's what He wanted me to do from the beginning  :)

I was so comforted...and He even made me laugh in the midst of it all.  He just sat and talked with me and brought me such peace.  Shortly after... the doctor comes back and he says "We have the results of your ultrasound... there is no evidence of any cyst"  I was surprised...and happy (to say the least) and said maybe the pain was from it rupturing.  By this time, the shot (non-narcotic cause I was driving) had taken away most of the pain I was feeling and they discharged me with instruction to see a doctor for follow up. 

Guys... I may never know why things happen the way they do... but I really think the reason for all the pain was just so that I could KNOW that something was happening...and then could have this amazing Christmas gift of knowing that the cysts (all of them) are gone!!!  Even the complex one!

It truly is a miracle!  I am thankful that I have a relationship with the God who creates life... I still don't know all that is in His plan for me... but I am still trusting.  What I do know about it is that He has promised that it will be amazing...more wonderful than I can even imagine.  I can't wait to see what He has in store! 

Stinky things...

I've mentioned before that God talks to me through some strange things at times...well...my mind is currently expanding again (that's how it feels...sometimes when this happens I think I can almost feel things moving around up there; making room for a greater awareness of one thing or another) and I wanted to share.

Last night I was sort of watching, and mostly listening to this cartoon movie while I was working on a project.  There was this character in the movie...he was a "half-Barron" and he had this little mosquito the rode around on his shoulder.  This mosquito was annoying to the guy, he was smelly and gross, and he also, as mosquitoes do, drank the guys blood.  The man had been cursed...because of his extreme pride... and the only way to remove the mosquito from his shoulder was that the man had to agree with the mosquito...just once... about anything.  When asked why he wouldn't just agree with the mosquito on something to get rid of this nuisance, he replied that he was far too important to lower himself to agreeing with a tiny mosquito.

I didn't pay a lot of attention to that, other than thinking it was a bit silly, until a scene in the movie when the half-Barron - in a moment where the group is being threatened - says that he will be in charge and save the group.  Then the mosquito agrees, yes, the half-Barron should be in charge.  Then...with the enemy closing in, the half-Barron emphatically declares that he is not in charge and will not be in charge.  So the group is standing there, threat looming...until the mosquito says something along the lines of "ok...you are a horrible choice for a leader" at which point the half-Barron decides to be the leader again and helps the group.

Now... I had to run that back and watch that scene play out a second time so that I could pay attention to it...he was willing to allow himself and the group to be harmed just so that he didn't have to agree with this mosquito!  That started some things rolling around and I felt this question bloom in my mind "what nasty parasites am I carrying around all because I don't want to 'lower myself' to acknowledge their presence?"

What stinky have I become so accustomed to carrying with me that rarely smell them?  Jealousy is pretty stinky... do I allow it to leave a displeasing odor on me and drive a wedge between myself and others?  What about all those self-depreciating thoughts...those don't smell that great.  If I don't confront those and replace them with the truth of what God says about me...they can make me smell so bad that it will affect every relationship I have.  Or anger...all those outbursts - even if they are just in my mind - when someone frustrates me while I'm being the best driver ever. 

The list goes on...and I could put quite a few things here, let's be honest, we all could...but I think another important point in dealing with all those stinky things is this: what you focus on becomes your focus.  So if I am trying to up-root one of those smelly things from my life... beating myself up about it and asking "what's wrong with me that I still struggle with _______" isn't going to help much.  Focusing on the truth of who God has made me to be, on the other hand, seems to be the quickest method of bringing that truth into fruitfulness in my life.

The thing is... all these smelly little things...they grow over time... I think it's sort of like a garden...I have to tend the garden of my heart and pull up those little stink-weeds as soon as they sprout.  Their goal is to choke out joy, peace, love, and every other good-smelling thing that God helps me to plant there.  When I cultivate and tend those positive, life-bringing things... that also goes a long way towards keeping the stinky ones at bay.

I have another mind-expanding blog swirling around up there...but I'll save it for another day.  :)

The movie I am referring to is Hero Quest...I'm not trying to steal their story, just use a small part that I thought was powerful.  ;)