I recently posted a blog about some of the struggles that I have been going through because of a cyst on my ovary. I have learned, and am still learning, some valuable lessons from this experience on trust, fear, hearing God, listening for God...the list goes on. But I want to share with you a lesson on bitterness.
I have struggled with bitterness...a lot. I've shared before that I have had difficulties in my life - haven't we all - and I've shared that I've been hurt by people - again...not uncommon, who hasn't experienced pain at the actions or words of another person, whether it was intentional or not? My childhood was difficult and bitterness was rooted in my life at an early age. It has taken me a long time to get away from the thinking of "why me?" or "why not me?".
Why does she get that and I don't? Why did that have to happen to me? Those type of thoughts are never productive. Every single human has them at some point...but I let these thoughts have free reign in my mind and emotions for quite some time. Breaking the pattern and habit of those thoughts, to bring the focus of my thoughts around to the things in my life that I can be thankful for has taken lot's of work with God.
I already shared that, when I found out about the cyst, I had a conversation with God about how this entire situation would be so different if I was married and already had children... I told Him that I don't understand why that hasn't happened yet... I want, very much to have a family, and He knows that. Two days after I found out about the cyst... I was preparing to leave the house, I suddenly had this flash of anger and hurt feelings and I told God "I don't want to see a bunch of pregnant women today... I don't want to see one person post on Facebook that they just found out they are pregnant... and I don't want to see a bunch of people with babies either... ok?"
You know what He said to me? He said "I want you to pray for women who are trying to get pregnant" Like... what? Seriously, He said that to me... when I was in the middle of crying because I was afraid I was about to lose the ability to become pregnant myself. Who does that??? I stopped and told Him... "I don't want to do that God. That's not fair... that I should have to pray for other women to have the very thing that I want...and may be losing!" and then I said... "ok... but I need you to help me,"
I got the idea to go to Facebook and post asking if any women were trying to get pregnant and wanted prayer...to message me. So, before I left the house, I did that. Within a couple of days I had a list of 15 women...and I started praying for them every night. The first few days - I will admit - were hard. Very little in me wanted to do this...except that I *knew* God was asking me to do it..and I wanted to obey. A few days into it... I was praying and God told me a specific woman was going to be pregnant within that month...and I felt like even that same week. I wrote it down, and I anxiously waited to hear the news... That same woman announced her pregnancy on Thanksgiving!!! The excitement of waiting for her announcement sort of made me forget that nagging jealous feeling... it turned to joy and expectation instead.
Out of this... something amazing has happened. An area where I have, with pretty valid reasons, struggled with bitterness... is now an area where I am excited to pray for others to see breakthrough. Where I have struggled so much with jealousy and great sadness... I'm not struggling anymore. To me...that's a pretty amazing breakthrough! That, my friends, is beauty for ashes...joy for mourning!!!
I think this act of praying for others to have the very thing I have lost, and have feared I am losing forever, has broken something off of me...at least in that specific area. It's broken off this thought that - if she gets what I want...then there may not be enough left for me to have it as well. You know that thought? It gets buried down in there sometimes and I don't even think I was consciously aware that I was thinking it...but really that's what I think is going on when someone has or gets something we ourselves want and, instead of feeling joyful for them, we feel jealous and hurt. Why would someone else's blessing make me feel somehow "less than" unless I have this broken belief in me that there isn't enough for both of us...
I am excited at this lesson because that ugly little jealous, hurt feeling is something I have wanted to be free from for a long time. I'm not saying this is a method that will rid me of that in every area of my life, but choosing to pray for someone to be blessed surely doesn't leave much room for jealousy and sadness when their blessing comes!
The desire of my heart is to pour out on others the love that God has poured into me...and I don't want the pouring out to be clogged up with things like jealousy and rejection. I understand how those things got so deeply rooted into me... but now it's time for them to be gone for good! There is no limit to the blessings that God can, and will, pour out onto us. He enjoys surprising us with blessings in a way that leave us in awe of His power and love for us...and I want to be more intentional about partnering with Him in that and seeking ways that I can be a blessing to others. God, please help me to always remember that there is enough for everyone... for her and for me... and that her blessing doesn't, in any way, diminish what you have for me!!!
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