Learning to trust...

Recently God began asking me "Do you trust me?".  This question has come in a few circumstances and my answer has been "No...not really."  So when that question started coming, and I searched my heart and came back with the honest answer that maybe I don't fully trust God to provide the very best (even though the road to "the very best" is sometimes - dare I say often - painful) I began asking "God, help me to trust you more...no not more...help me to trust you completely!"

Have you ever heard the expression "Be careful what you pray for"?  Well...this past week I got some less than desirable news. Wait...let me be honest...it didn't feel less than desirable... it felt devastating.  I immediately entered a zone where I had two choices... I could either trust God or give in to hopelessness. Guess what happened?  I was actually surprised at myself...I won't lie.  My trust in God far outweighed the hopelessness.  Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at that...but I am.  Even a couple of years ago, I think even one year ago, I would have handled this situation in a completely different way.

Don't get me wrong...there were tears, and if I spend much time thinking of the possible negative outcome...there are still tears.  There was fear...but God didn't put His Spirit within me so that I can live in fear...so I knew I had to fight against that fear and not give it a place...easier said than done by the way...especially when fear has only recently been evicted from the it's dark hiding place in my heart.  But overwhelmingly...my mind has remained focused on God's goodness and His ability to create the most spectacular miracles.

So today I thought of something.  Maybe...my answer of "No, not really" came from a place of being unaware.  If you were to ask me "Can you pick up a 50 lb weight and carry it across the room" I would probably say "I think so"  Because I know, based on past experience, how much weight I can safely lift and carry.  But I won't really know if I am able...until I try.  I can lift and carry a 50 lb toddler...but I might find it to be a bit different picking up a 50 lb weight.  It's in the process of doing it that I learn for sure if I am able. 

So, here I am, in the process (which I am starting to think of as "faith lifting" you know...like weight lifting...get it???) and you know what I am learning?  My faith is stronger than I thought.  I'm actually looking at this situation and, with complete honesty, saying "God, no matter how this turns out, I trust that you have a spectacular plan for my life".  Every now and then I am surprised all over again with the peace and comfort that I feel in the midst of something that could have me crying on the floor in fear and helplessness.  Only because of the Holy Spirit am I able to have this comfort and peace...only because of His strength in me am I able to rest in this faith.  It's really quite amazing.

I still sort of consider myself to be a "baby Christian" (although I prefer the term "friends with Jesus" over Christian) and in these moments I am left in awe of the way that God is gifting me with peace in the storm.  A peace that I have done nothing to deserve or create and cannot, in any way, sustain without Him.  I am, once again, blown away because His love and provision are so amazing.  He is good...even when life doesn't seem that good.

p.s. I want to share a couple of the verses that really help me through difficult moments.  If I begin to feel discouraged or fearful...these are two of the top verses that I draw comfort from.

Isaiah 46:10
Only I (God) can tell you the future before it even happens.  Everything I plan will come to pass, I do whatever I wish

Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I (God) will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

God is good...

I was sitting here tonight thinking...God is good... and after that thought passed through my mind it was followed with the thought "God is good, even when life isn't".  Those two thoughts are what prompted all that follows  ;)

Sometimes things happen that just aren't fair.  I know, I know "life isn't fair" and we can't expect it to be... the word fair doesn't even really apply I guess, but... that's just the best way I know to describe some of the sad things that happen in life.

There are so many things in life that are just "not fair" - someone you love dies and you are left with a gaping hole in your life... you're faced with a devastating illness... a relationship falls apart... your family isn't there for you... this list could go on and on. 

I'm not facing any "unfair" things at the moment, but I know some people who are and it makes my heart sad for them.  I've faced plenty of unfair things in my life and I know it can be so hard to focus on anything other than the difficulty you are facing.

God *is* good.  Every single day, He is good and He is loving.  But when you are wading through the hard stuff...it's easy to become so focused on the pain of whatever quicksand is dragging you down, that you lose sight of the fact that God is still good and He has a wonderful plan for your life.

I've been there...I've been in a place where my circumstances sort of got on top of me and overwhelmed me (it wasn't just once either...it's happened a few times), we've all been there.  God created us to experience emotions, and when sad things happen...we will experience grief and all the other emotions that accompany those unfair things of life.

And here is the real point of this post - a verse that has been a great source of comfort to me at times when I was walking through some of those unfair life experiences...
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.

There have been times when I just read these verses and cried because that felt like all I could do in that moment.  I believe that in those moments where we can do nothing but cry...our tears are filled with all the words we are unable to speak...and God hears them.  I think that these verses perfectly describe those times that the unfairness of life has left me feeling overwhelmed.  I've had times when I literally felt I was drowning, so oppressed by sorrow and hurt that I wasn't sure I could continue breathing... If you've felt that way...do you see the description of that feeling here in these verses?

God is good...even when life isn't.  And when life isn't good...God is right there with us.  Walking alongside us.  He holds our head above the ocean of sorrow that threatens to drown us.  He protects us from the flames that would destroy us.  He is there with us no matter what is going on in our lives.  That doesn't mean the painful stuff doesn't hurt...it just means we have a good baba (Swahili for father) who holds us in His arms and comforts us when the hurt comes.