It's not fair...

Tonight, during worship at church, I started talking to God about an issue I'm facing. I've been asking Him what action to take about a specific issue...and I hadn't gotten an answer yet.  So I sat down...and asked "what do you want me to do" 

Mostly God talks to me through pictures.  Tonight was no different, and I didn't like the picture I saw.  I had a very specific idea of how I wanted God to answer me... ever been there?  Asking for an answer...but you've already got the answer that you desire packaged up...and nothing else will really do?  At least it feels like nothing else will do...

The truth is..my heart is His...and He knows it.  I am not perfect, by any means.  I am human and that very fact means that I am given to error, but my heart is His and He knows I will follow (eventually).  So I told God...I don't like this...I don't want to do this...but... I will do whatever you want me to do - no matter how much I don't want to.  But God...I need your help.

Then I started feeling all these emotions... I sat there, crying, telling God I was angry at Him.  Angry because I feel that what He is asking me to do isn't fair.  It's NOT FAIR!  Seriously...I felt like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.  My body was shaking with the anger that was so alive in me...and I told God I felt He was betraying me...throwing my hurt and pain away and turning His back on me when clearly He should be taking my side in this!

And then God told me "it's not about fair...it's about relationship" 

Guys - tonight...I almost audibly heard the words God was speaking to me.  I have never before experienced such a tangible clarity in hearing from God...and I think it's because He knew that I wouldn't hear Him on this any other way.  My faith for what He was saying...wasn't there.  My expectation was so set on that nice little answer I had gift-wrapped (ya know, so He could hand it to me all nice and pretty and painless?) that I needed that kind of clarity.

 While I was explaining to Him how unfair this was (clearly...it is unfair in the natural...even He didn't argue with me on that point) He said several things.  I want to share some of our conversation
I told him "It's not fair! You should be angry on my behalf.  I have a right to be angry!"
He said to me "It's not about fair...it's about relationship.  I am about relationship...not tearing apart"
I told him "this is going to end in me being hurt... again"
He said to me "I am not doing this to hurt you.  I wouldn't have you be hurt again"
I told him "This is not fair!!!"  (In case He didn't hear me maybe...)
He said to me "Do you trust me"
and I said... "No"

There's the truth of it.  In this particular situation...I don't trust God to have my back, to protect me, to bring beauty from ashes, to turn darkness to light...all those things He does on a daily basis.  But along with that lack of trust (which is rooted in a lie somewhere) I also have the knowledge and awareness that I CAN trust God, that He always cares about me.  See, I know that lack of trust is rooted in a lie because it goes against what I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD.  

So...here's to walking it out... to following His plan not mine... to speaking His words when mine sound better to me... to resting in His peace when there is chaos all around... to doing something that goes against every logical thought in my mind.  His way is better, I have to trust that.  His way brings redemption and healing and love and...every good and perfect thing there is. 

So God...I will do what you want me to do, even though I don't want to, I just need your help. 

God is good...

I was sitting here tonight thinking...God is good... and after that thought passed through my mind it was followed with the thought "God is good, even when life isn't".  Those two thoughts are what prompted all that follows  ;)

Sometimes things happen that just aren't fair.  I know, I know "life isn't fair" and we can't expect it to be... the word fair doesn't even really apply I guess, but... that's just the best way I know to describe some of the sad things that happen in life.

There are so many things in life that are just "not fair" - someone you love dies and you are left with a gaping hole in your life... you're faced with a devastating illness... a relationship falls apart... your family isn't there for you... this list could go on and on. 

I'm not facing any "unfair" things at the moment, but I know some people who are and it makes my heart sad for them.  I've faced plenty of unfair things in my life and I know it can be so hard to focus on anything other than the difficulty you are facing.

God *is* good.  Every single day, He is good and He is loving.  But when you are wading through the hard stuff...it's easy to become so focused on the pain of whatever quicksand is dragging you down, that you lose sight of the fact that God is still good and He has a wonderful plan for your life.

I've been there...I've been in a place where my circumstances sort of got on top of me and overwhelmed me (it wasn't just once either...it's happened a few times), we've all been there.  God created us to experience emotions, and when sad things happen...we will experience grief and all the other emotions that accompany those unfair things of life.

And here is the real point of this post - a verse that has been a great source of comfort to me at times when I was walking through some of those unfair life experiences...
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.

There have been times when I just read these verses and cried because that felt like all I could do in that moment.  I believe that in those moments where we can do nothing but cry...our tears are filled with all the words we are unable to speak...and God hears them.  I think that these verses perfectly describe those times that the unfairness of life has left me feeling overwhelmed.  I've had times when I literally felt I was drowning, so oppressed by sorrow and hurt that I wasn't sure I could continue breathing... If you've felt that way...do you see the description of that feeling here in these verses?

God is good...even when life isn't.  And when life isn't good...God is right there with us.  Walking alongside us.  He holds our head above the ocean of sorrow that threatens to drown us.  He protects us from the flames that would destroy us.  He is there with us no matter what is going on in our lives.  That doesn't mean the painful stuff doesn't hurt...it just means we have a good baba (Swahili for father) who holds us in His arms and comforts us when the hurt comes.