Life's not fair...

Someone used to say to me (quite often) "life's not fair"...  Maybe that is true, but this phrase takes on a more sinister meaning when it's being used by someone who is causing pain and "unfairness" on purpose.  Being a bully and defending it with "life's not fair" is not...well, it's not fair. 

But sometimes it seems like *life* is the bully.  Just surviving it can take all you have...life can leave you beaten and bloody and huddled in a corner somewhere wondering what could possibly come next.

Tonight, during worship, I felt so totally unable to feel any connection with God.  Nothing.  It felt like there was this barrier when I would try to sing and every time the words of a song would speak of loving God...my eyes would fill with tears.  Finally I was like, what is going on God?  Why am I feeling this way?  So torn, like I want to worship you, but can't.  And why does any song about loving you make me start crying???

I sat for a little bit with my feelings (something that can be rather difficult) and then all the sudden had this huge realization.  I suddenly felt this anger...not just irritation...but the huge anger that comes when something totally unjust has happened and you are left with these broken pieces of yourself.  As soon as I found the anger I had this thought "how can I love God when I am so angry at him?"

It is surprising to me that I can have such a huge anger at God and not be constantly aware of it.  It's like the screaming, sobbing, throwing things kind of anger.  As soon as I found this anger, I kept hearing in my head "life's not fair"  - a long time ago, those words came to mean this to me: anyone can do whatever they want to me and there is nothing I can do about it. 

I used to believe that God was, at the very least, indifferent to my pain; and at the very worst... happy that I was hurting...that he was happy that "life's not fair".  But here is the truth: God's heart is broken for the hurting.  He does not choose some of us to throw to the wolves; turning his back as we are ripped apart over and over again...his heart breaks every time we are hurt and he weeps over our pain and the injustice of it.

Sin in this world creates so much pain.  I still wish there was a better explanation for the "why" but this is it.  Sin has corrupted some people's hearts so much that they do horrible things.  And that hurts God...his heart aches for all the ones being hurt.  There is more though...his heart also aches for the ones inflicting the pain.  He wants to be able to comfort and heal both.  

My anger is real, but it is misplaced.  Some things should never happen, some things cause so much pain that it seems like it should be impossible...like it can't exist.  If that doesn't make sense; I'm sorry but I can't explain it any other way.  My anger is at the injustice...at the fact that such pain can even exist in reality.  The good part is that God is big enough to handle my anger; the best part is that he loves me regardless.  His love for me is not hinged on my love for (or lack of anger at) him. 

Life's not fair...but God is amazing!  He is all powerful and can heal even the pain that seems impossible.  More importantly...He  WILL heal even the impossible pain.  I am thankful for his healing and redeeming power.