Even in the darkest times when it seems impossible that God could be standing by your side...he is there. And sometimes...that thought can make you angry.
At least it's made me angry; very angry. It seems like, to me at least, if God is with me...then I shouldn't be hurting...I shouldn't be sad...I shouldn't be going through horrible things. If God is with me...I should be safe. But...that's not how it works.
I have struggled quite a bit with this issue and even now, when I am feeling sad or lonely - I sometimes get upset with God because it can feel unfair to be hurting when I am trying so hard to be obedient to him. But then I have to remind myself that fairness doesn't really enter into this equation.
And then I remind myself that God loves me...and he is here with me even when I'm feeling sad or unsure of things. God is definitely not afraid of my emotions (thankfully) and whether I talk to him about my thoughts and fears - or try to hide them away - he knows what's going on in my heart. Better yet, he cares about what's going on in my heart.
Sometimes I picture God looking at me the way that I look at my kids - he is so proud of me - not because I get it all right, not because I never make a mistake, but because I am learning and growing everyday. He doesn't focus on my mistakes...he rejoices in my progress.
He's ok with me feeling sad - it doesn't make him angry or disappointed. Sometimes...life is sad - and having a relationship with God doesn't make me immune from the sad things...it only promises me comfort and love in the midst of difficulty.
So...I will remind myself that God is with me...and he loves me so very much...and I will feel thankful for his love and his presence.
I know that I have contributed to your pain, and that causes me pain to know that. I really love you. Maybe someday you will understand. Maybe someday we can have a closer relationship. It is one of the desires of my heart. Love, your Mom
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