Birthday wishes...

Well... it's my birthday and I have posted on this blog for the past three years on this day so... here I am again.

I feel like for me the new year really starts with my birthday.  That always feels like the beginning of a new year to me, and my classes start today so it's even more of a starting point this year.  I haven't done "new years resolutions" for a while now, but I have been doing this thing where I ask God for a word for the year.  When I asked God for a word for 2018... I felt like the word I got was wish.  I puzzled over that because it didn't seem to be a particularly "godly" word, I guess.  But I decided that really was the word God had for me.

So as my birthday has drawn near, I have had several occasions where I felt that God was reminding me of my word and asking me what are my wishes, my dreams different areas of my life.  It seemed like such a fluffy word at first.  But as I have had these conversations with God about I have realized it's fluffy at all.  I feel like, through these conversations, God is reminding me of some wishes that I have sort of buried.  

I think we all have things that we once wished for, dreamed of, but have put aside because it just seemed silly... and maturity demanded leaving it behind.  Or because it felt impossible, and we argued ourselves out of even thinking about it.  Or because the pain of maintaining hope just became too much, so we boxed it away.  I think when a dream, a desire, a wish seems impossible... it's so much easier to place it in a mental box... and shove it far into a back corner... and convince ourselves that it's not that important.  That we never really wanted whatever it was anyway.  

Unrealized dreams can become a source of bitterness... as we watch what seems to be *everyone* else having the success we dreamed of, the children we wished for, the health we have prayed for, the (insert any number of other things) that we desired but never grasped. 

I know I can't be the only one who sometimes feels like I'm walking a tightrope... fall to the left, bitterness... to the right, apathy.  Bitterness is painful, and dividing, and just generally not pleasant to be around... I have grown tired of the bitterness that I carried around for way too long.  Apathy seems the least painful option, but it has a way of sneaking out into all the areas of your life and stealing not just sorrow but also joy, leaving you numb and disengaged.  But staying on the tightrope can be painful as well... keeping hope alive for a thing that may never happen, being honest with yourself about how deeply you desire this (whatever it is) to happen leaves your heart open for pain if it doesn't.  

I've talked with God some about that pain... because I don't believe that God causes us pain or wishes for us to live in pain... so why would keeping hope alive be painful?  Doesn't He want us to hope?  Have faith?  Well... I think part of that pain comes from the fact that - no matter how much hope or faith I have for a certain thing - I don't know for sure what will happen with my future, so there is a very real possibility that I am hoping for something that will never happen.  

But God has been asking me to remember things I have wished for... and asking me what I would wish for today, in this moment... and I think He is doing that for two reasons... to show me some of the wishes/dreams that I have squashed down and also to remind me that He cares - very deeply - about the desires of my heart.  No matter how silly or small I may think that desire is in the grand scheme of things.

So... on this birthday, at the start of this new year... I am being reminded of wishes and dreams.  Some that can be painful to hold onto... and some that I have let fall by the wayside without even realizing it... and some that I had never really contemplated before... but all of them are important to Him.  And while I cannot know for certain that some (or any) of the things I hope for will ever come to pass, I can know for certain that God will not leave me in a place of being unfulfilled.  He hasn't promised me that I will have everything I want, but He has promised me joy.

And since I'm not sure how to end this post... I'll end it with this...

As painful as it can be, I am choosing to hold onto hope for dreams that sometimes seem impossible... and when the unknown of the future becomes overwhelming I am choosing to cling to the promise of joy

Words...

Something has been rolling around in my mind for the past month or so.  I finished my first semester with really good grades... but I started the semester with so much anxiety and doubt.  And fear, add in a large portion of fear.  I was anxious that I would fail... or that my grades wouldn't be good enough to get me into clinicals next year.

Everyone around me was encouraging me and telling me I would do great, that they weren't worried because they knew I was smart and would do well in school... but I was not convinced.  I just knew that I was going to fail.  Fast forward to the end of the semester when someone said to me "See? I knew you had this... you had nothing to worry about."

When she said that, I suddenly realized one huge source of my anxiety.  When I was young someone told me repeatedly that I was stupid, that I would "never amount to anything", and that I would always be a failure.  Without really knowing it, I have allowed those words to cast a shadow on pretty much everything I have attempted - or not attempted - throughout my life.

So then I asked myself... why is it so much easier to let negative words affect me than positive ones?  If 20 people are encouraging me and lifting me up... why do I let that one person's words drag me down?  And why is it so hard to erase the tape playing those negative words?  I know that a part of it is that words can take root in childhood... it's easy to leave those tapes playing and not even realize they are anything other than truth.  You can become so accustomed to hearing those ugly words because they've "always been there" that you don't think to question them. 

In this situation I didn't have a conscious memory of those words every time I felt I would fail, and I certainly didn't associate them with my anxiety... but in one moment God showed me they were the source.  I know it's an issue that is common to us all, or at least seems to be.  But why?  Why is it so much easier to let the negative words affect us?  As to the why of it... I can't give my opinions in a concise way, but I want to make a more intentional effort to shut off the negative words and replace them with positive ones.

Lies are like weeds... they have to be uprooted or else they will begin to choke out the truth. They grow and multiply and then suddenly they are all you can see.  But God can replace the lies with truth, no matter how overgrown they may have become. 

God doesn't think I am stupid, worthless, a failure.  He created me... not on a whim but with thought and planning.  I wasn't an accident or a mistake. To Him I am amazing, wonderful, beautiful, capable, intelligent...  He doesn't ever look at me and hang His head in shame or disappointment so any words that make me feel like a failure or a disappointment are a direct contradiction to what HE says about me... and it's what He says that matters.

Struggles...

What do you do when it seems like your faith has failed?  

When it feels like maybe you don't believe the things you once believed? 

Wait, let me not get ahead of myself... I had this thought the other night - you know how when you magnify something it can become impossible to determine what it is?  Look at a super-magnified photo of something like skin, hair, or even the fibers of your clothes and they become something entirely different.  Just looking at an unlabeled photo, I would bet that few of us could identify many of the things we encounter on a daily basis... all because they have been magnified far beyond what we are accustomed to.

Something similar can happen with... well I guess for the sake of saving like 200 words we will just sum them up as "struggles".  You know, those things you go through that can range from "not a big deal really" to "a massively big deal".  What happens when you have a smallish struggle... like it's definitely not a big deal... but then something else happens... and maybe it's a bit more of an issue... but then something else comes along... and it's a huge issue.  Little by little these things pile on you and it can become rather difficult to take your eyes off the struggles.  But the more you look at the struggles, the more magnified they are.  It doesn't take long for the struggles to become so magnified that they obscure your vision.

I have a sort of routine I follow with anything I would classify as a "struggle".  We need a routine, because...let's be real... life is full of struggles.  Big or small...they're there for all of us.  My routine is typically to find some Bible verses about the issue.  Say I feel fearful or anxious about something...I will find verses about God calming fears, providing, comforting, etc and I will write them down on note cards.  These note cards will go up on my wall, in the book I'm reading, or maybe I'll carry them with me to read whenever.  I also journal and, since I'm an external processor, I try to talk things out with people, and of course I talk to God about whatever is going on.

But what happens when those things don't work?  I'm writing (and reading) my note cards, I'm journaling, I'm talking to God, talking to people...but I am feeling more and more overwhelmed.  My struggles are getting bigger and bigger and I find it becoming a struggle even to talk to God.  I'm trying to reach out to people but that's not helping... journaling, which is usually a great outlet for me, becomes more and more difficult.  Then (seemingly) suddenly I look around and realize... I'm down.  Way down.  I'm upset with God...I'm angry... I'm so depressed... and I don't know what to do about it.

I have recently been in a really difficult place (that seems like such a "cupcake" way of putting it lol) and I have been having some serious discussions (with myself mostly) on a few topics...

Why do I follow God and live the way I do?  

Do I really trust God, or just pretend?  

Do I really believe that God has a plan for my life? (like a specific plan not just a "live your life and love people" type of plan) 

Do I really believe that the decisions I have made over the past few years were led by God... or just me doing stuff?

I have spent some time examining my life now...versus my life before I became friends with Jesus and anyone who knew me before would have to admit that there has been a drastic change in my life.  It's undeniable.  I am a very different person, and all the changes are good ones.

So then why am I struggling like this?  I've said it before but I have a tendency to get real down on myself about stuff like this - like I shouldn't struggle to be happy or whatever.  But that's stupid.  I know what my life was like before... I know things are so much better now than they have been for me in the past... but that doesn't mean I won't have struggles or that it's wrong for me to struggle at times.

In the middle of this current struggle I decided that I wasn't going to feel guilty for struggling, that I wasn't going to try to pretend that I felt happier or better than I actually felt.  That I was going to be angry at God (because I was) and I wasn't going to talk to anyone who I felt would shame me for my feelings.  I also decided that I would continue to talk with God every day...even if it was just to tell Him I was angry and that I wasn't sure I could trust Him.  Many times my talking with Him was just telling Him "I need your help!" but I did it every day.  

So here I am now... not quite all the way on the other side of this thing, but definitely not underneath it either.  Some interesting knowledge has come out of these past months as a result of some even more interesting talks with God.  After putting aside my emotions and using my logical brain to take an inventory of some of the experiences I have had with God and how my life and perspective has changed as a result of them I have come to a few conclusions: 

No matter how mad I get... I believe God is all powerful and He is worthy to be praised.

Even if my life looks nothing like what I expected... I believe He is still moving in my life and has done some amazing things in my life.

When I dig down deep into it... I do trust Him, even when it feels like I don't.  I know I trust Him because if I push it to the point of walking away or staying with Him even if nothing changes... I will stay with Him... and that's trust.  

In the midst of my confusion and anger... I turn to Him, and that is relationship.  So even when it sometimes feels like He has forgotten me... deep inside I don't believe that lie.

You know what I think?  

I think struggles like this serve a purpose.  Before I was walking in this struggle I was at a place where I felt I trusted God more than ever before.  Seriously, just a few months ago I felt like my relationship with God was better than it had ever been, I felt zero doubt for my future (even though I had no clue what it held) and I even felt almost comfortable with the vast unknown.  I felt secure in my relationship with Him and trust in Him. 

But now... walking through some serious doubts about whether or not I really trusted Him and believed Him... even though my relationship with God feels different... it feels a bit rocky at the moment to be honest... it feels somehow stronger.  Like something in me knows that going through this really rocky place with Him (even though I was mad and didn't want to take His hand at times) has led us to a place where my faith (even though it still feels slim) is stronger... and by trust (even though it still feels questionable at times) is deeper.

I have reminded myself often through this struggle that the last time I felt like this was after returning from Cambodia in 2013.  I was in a real struggle at that time... questioning everything especially my faith and relationship with God.  I literally felt like my life was falling apart, piece by piece.  One day I was praying and God told me He was re-laying my foundation.  He told me when a foundation is bad, you have to tear it up to lay a good one or else the house can never last.  Even though tearing up a foundation is hard, tiring work... it was necessary in order for me to have a good foundation.  I reminded myself of that time because... I not only made it through that dark time, I eventually came out on the other side stronger and deeply changed.  

So... I guess we are doing some more foundation work... 

 

Another birthday...

Last night I was simply walking down the hall and had the thought "tomorrow is my birthday"... immediately I started crying.  There's a lot going on right now... and emotionally... I was tired.  I've cried so much over the past several days that my face now burns immediately when tears touch my cheeks, and let's not talk about how my eyes have been feeling  :/

I took my tears to my room and started listening to a song that my friend suggested.  Then I started sobbing... I had asked Jesus to just please comfort me... and he is always happy to comply with a request like that... so I was just crying with Jesus and telling him how I felt.  Seriously guys... there is a lot going on in my life right now - I think a lot of us are in that place.  I have really been asking God to help me as I process through these things... because, for real, I have no idea how to walk through them... so anyway...

...in the middle of the next song - it's like I almost heard an audible whisper in my ear.  God... being the good daddy that he is... just whispered in my ear "if you could see what I see... you would be laughing right now instead of crying".  Just a whisper, that's all.  And in a moment... I was laughing.  Laughing and still crying... and then just laughing.  It's like, in that moment, he just filled me with so much joy. 

Then this morning I was talking to God - I've shared a bit of how I used to really dislike my birthday and I was repenting for the times I have cursed the day of my birth and thanking him for my life, my freedom, his love... a short while after that God started talking to me about my age.  I am 37 today and God was asking me what numbers can divide into 37.  I was like... none, it's a prime number.  So that rolled around in my head a little and I asked why did he point that out... He said just like 37 is a unique number to itself... that it can't be divided by other numbers... this is a unique year for me.  That unique things will happen this year like no other year before. 

I love getting a prophetic word from someone... but I really love getting a word directly from God, and that's a good word!  :)

This has been such a special day... and I have great expectations for the year to come.  I don't know what the next year will bring... it could bring more struggles, it could bring new levels of joy... but the one thing I do know is that I can trust God will be with me through all of it.

It's gonna be a good year y'all!

No makeup...

I was getting ready for church this past Wednesday, and as I prepared to put on makeup I had this feeling sort of like "I don't think I'll wear makeup tonight".  I sat there for a moment wondering why I didn't feel like putting on makeup... it's not like it takes that long.  So I started again to get things ready (I like to lay everything out so I can don't have to dig for it) and had a stronger feeling - I am not wearing makeup tonight.  So I asked God... is this from you?  It was.  I wondered..."why doesn't God want me to wear makeup tonight?  That's weird..."  But... I didn't wear makeup.

I was in a great mood that day because I had been really talking with God about some things and I had just that afternoon decided to set aside the next three days for praying about when to return to Tanzania...and what to do with the time in between now and then.  In a moment of pure passion... I told God (out loud for that matter) "God...I want to be willing to give up everything to follow you!  Help me to be willing to let go of anything and everything and to go wherever you lead me!"  (I added exclamations because I felt really excited when I said it).  For the record...I was sort of thinking about like... stuff.  Like... belongings mostly.  Or even asking God to open my heart to wherever it is that He wants me.  My mind was going in that direction when I said this.
So I happily drove to church, with no makeup... and I excitedly told a friend that I felt like big things were coming... exciting things.  Then worship started... I was singing along... the second song started... I was praying and talking to God... and He showed me a picture I have seen countless times.  The picture is me and these kids, who are all around me, and we are all smiling and so joyful.  He first showed me this picture in 2013 when I was in Cambodia for the second time and when He showed me, He told me I would work in a children's home one day.  Of course I was happy about that, everybody knows how much I love children.

So... God showed me that picture and He asked "What if being the best mom possible to these kids, means not having children of your own?  Would you be willing?"
I was shocked... I hadn't even been thinking about anything like that.  My reply was "That's not fair."
His reply was "Is it fair to them (the kids in the picture) to not have a good mom?"

Well...

I have several reasons, 5 to be exact, why I feel that question is so colossally unfair... but we won't get into that...  God doesn't deal in "fair"... I can't tell you how many times, growing up, my father said to me "life isn't fair".  It used to make me so angry, because life should be fair... but he was definitely right... life is so unfair.  Bad things, horrible things, happen all around the world every day... and that's not fair.  It's not fair that any child should not have a loving mother... and it's not fair that any mother should not have a child to love.  So many unfair things happen... that's the way it is.

While God doesn't deal in "fair", He does deal in justice, He also deals in redemption and blessing.  God made a promise to me about 4 years ago.  I was sitting outside, reading my Bible, and I started talking to Him about how much I want to have a family.  I looked out towards the field behind the house, and there was this lone tree along the fence, and it was just starting to bud.  God told me "you will have more children than there are leaves on that tree."  In that moment, I felt upset, because - if I'm gonna have that many kids... obviously they won't be biological.  I had to repent for rejecting that promise.  As the year went on, I watched the buds on that tree form leaves.  So many leaves.  I looked at that tree everyday and it really became a reminder of that promise.  Side note: I haven't seen that tree since I left the US for Tanzania, but 18 days ago God showed me some earrings that remind me of that tree and His promise.  He told me to buy them and every time I wear them I am reminded of all those leaves.

I have wanted to be a mother since I was little.  I still remember saying, when I was 5 or 6 years old, that I wanted to have 20 babies... all at one time.  I sang to my baby dolls and carried them everywhere... and eventually decided on a more conservative goal for my family size.  When God asked me if I would be willing to give up the dream of having my own children if it meant being the best mom possible to the kids in that picture... I told Him yes... and then I cried... for the rest of the night.

Today I cried some more, let's be real... I'm crying right now.  This hurts.  A lot.  I know it's not like God has told me I will never have biological children, He hasn't said for sure that won't happen...but He is asking me to be willing.  It hurts to let go of something that I have dreamed of for so long.  To somehow reconcile my heart with a real possibility that God may ask me to choose not to fulfill that desire, even if He does bring me a husband.  It hurts... and it's ok that it hurts.

This morning as I was getting ready for church, I happened to look down at my hand and saw something I have never seen before, it was beautiful and confusing.  The back of my hand had all these bright, white lights shining out of it, like the brightest pin-pricks of light actually shining out of my actual hand.  Then my mind told me what it was; the tears in my eyes had caught the light and it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to appear as if they were shining.

God told me... "it works the same in the spirit too"  Just like my tears altered my vision and, in that moment, I saw my hand in a way I've never seen it before... my brokenness can help me see things differently as well.  I am not sure what all God is going to be teaching me through this... I can't even guess at how this will play out and how it will change me as I walk through it...but I can trust that it will be good.  Because God is good... His plan for me is good and when I surrender my life to Him - His plans for me can more easily come to pass.  And I can bank on the fact that His plans for me will bring me more joy than anything I could ever plan or dream up.  But it still hurts.


Oh and the makeup thing... you know crying and mascara really don't go together.  It's just not a good look.  Thanks for the heads up, God.  

Here is my disclaimer... I didn't want to share this.  I wanted to play a game on my computer or watch a movie... and not think about all the unknown in my life right now, but God kept talking to me about making a blog post.  So... here it is.  This whole thing is very personal to me (obviously) and it's a bit difficult to share it like this.  I just felt like I needed to say that.  

    

That bitterness though...

I recently posted a blog about some of the struggles that I have been going through because of a cyst on my ovary.  I have learned, and am still learning, some valuable lessons from this experience on trust, fear, hearing God, listening for God...the list goes on.  But I want to share with you a lesson on bitterness.

I have struggled with bitterness...a lot.  I've shared before that I have had difficulties in my life - haven't we all - and I've shared that I've been hurt by people - again...not uncommon, who hasn't experienced pain at the actions or words of another person, whether it was intentional or not?  My childhood was difficult and bitterness was rooted in my life at an early age.  It has taken me a long time to get away from the thinking of "why me?" or "why not me?".

Why does she get that and I don't?  Why did that have to happen to me?  Those type of thoughts are never productive.  Every single human has them at some point...but I let these thoughts have free reign in my mind and emotions for quite some time.  Breaking the pattern and habit of those thoughts, to bring the focus of my thoughts around to the things in my life that I can be thankful for has taken lot's of work with God. 

I already shared that, when I found out about the cyst, I had a conversation with God about how this entire situation would be so different if I was married and already had children... I told Him that I don't understand why that hasn't happened yet... I want, very much to have a family, and He knows that.  Two days after I found out about the cyst... I was preparing to leave the house, I suddenly had this flash of anger and hurt feelings and I told God "I don't want to see a bunch of pregnant women today... I don't want to see one person post on Facebook that they just found out they are pregnant... and I don't want to see a bunch of people with babies either... ok?"

You know what He said to me?  He said "I want you to pray for women who are trying to get pregnant"  Like... what?  Seriously, He said that to me... when I was in the middle of crying because I was afraid I was about to lose the ability to become pregnant myself.  Who does that???  I stopped and told Him... "I don't want to do that God.  That's not fair... that I should have to pray for other women to have the very thing that I want...and may be losing!"  and then I said... "ok... but I need you to help me,"

I got the idea to go to Facebook and post asking if any women were trying to get pregnant and wanted prayer...to message me.  So, before I left the house, I did that.  Within a couple of days I had a list of 15 women...and I started praying for them every night.  The first few days - I will admit - were hard.  Very little in me wanted to do this...except that I *knew* God was asking me to do it..and I wanted to obey.  A few days into it... I was praying and God told me a specific woman was going to be pregnant within that month...and I felt like even that same week.  I wrote it down, and I anxiously waited to hear the news... That same woman announced her pregnancy on Thanksgiving!!!  The excitement of waiting for her announcement sort of made me forget that nagging jealous feeling... it turned to joy and expectation instead.

Out of this... something amazing has happened.  An area where I have, with pretty valid reasons, struggled with bitterness... is now an area where I am excited to pray for others to see breakthrough.  Where I have struggled so much with jealousy and great sadness...  I'm not struggling anymore.  To me...that's a pretty amazing breakthrough!  That, my friends, is beauty for ashes...joy for mourning!!!

I think this act of praying for others to have the very thing I have lost, and have feared I am losing forever, has broken something off of me...at least in that specific area.  It's broken off this thought that - if she gets what I want...then there may not be enough left for me to have it as well.  You know that thought?  It gets buried down in there sometimes and I don't even think I was consciously aware that I was thinking it...but really that's what I think is going on when someone has or gets something we ourselves want and, instead of feeling joyful for them, we feel jealous and hurt.  Why would someone else's blessing make me feel somehow "less than" unless I have this broken belief in me that there isn't enough for both of us...

I am excited at this lesson because that ugly little jealous, hurt feeling is something I have wanted to be free from for a long time.  I'm not saying this is a method that will rid me of that in every area of my life, but choosing to pray for someone to be blessed surely doesn't leave much room for jealousy and sadness when their blessing comes! 

The desire of my heart is to pour out on others the love that God has poured into me...and I don't want the pouring out to be clogged up with things like jealousy and rejection.  I understand how those things got so deeply rooted into me... but now it's time for them to be gone for good!  There is no limit to the blessings that God can, and will, pour out onto us.  He enjoys surprising us with blessings in a way that leave us in awe of His power and love for us...and I want to be more intentional about partnering with Him in that and seeking ways that I can be a blessing to others.  God, please help me to always remember that there is enough for everyone... for her and for me... and that her blessing doesn't, in any way, diminish what you have for me!!!

A Christmas miracle...

I have been waiting to be able to write this blog post!!!  This one will probably get a bit emotional...I will probably cry...but I'm nothing if not real so...

When I came back to the US...I was hurting...and the hurting was getting worse, not better.  So...after I got around to finding a doctor, she ordered an ultrasound... but then I needed second one... so all of this takes a few months and eventually I found out I had a cyst on my left ovary.  But first... 

A little bit of background... there are basically two types of ovarian cysts: simple and complex.  The shortest description is that simple cysts usually resolve on their own but complex cysts usually require medication (which I cannot take due to a blood disorder I have been diagnosed with) or surgery.  Both types of cysts cause discomfort and pain.  Another bit of history...I already lost one ovary due to complex cysts... so this is the only one I have.

Now...I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - or PCOS -  years ago...after I lost one ovary.  PCOS causes multiple, simple cysts to form on the ovaries (or ovary in my case).  I have become accustomed to the pain that is associated with cysts... so I knew going in for the ultrasound that I had a cyst.  I prayed and asked God to cause that cyst to rupture (and heal me from  PCOS...no more cysts!) before the ultrasound; so when I was finally sitting in the doctor's office for my results...I was surprised to hear that I had good-sized cyst on my ovary.  And it was a complex cyst, the kind that doesn't really go away on it's own.  And it had a septation...and nodules (btw... just a tip... don't ever google little bits of medical information like this after you leave the doctors office)

If you happened to read my post in October "Learning to trust" - it was about this. Just a short run-down on where I was with all this.  I've had plenty of simple cysts...but never a complex cyst... on my left ovary.  The only other time I had complex cysts...I lost my ovary.  I was scared.  I was concerned that I would lose my ovary... and I really want to be able to have children one day.  When the doctor told me about the cyst; immediately all these thoughts started pelting my mind... I'll spare you from listing them individually, but they were all along these lines...
Will I lose my ovary like before?
Am I going to lose my ability to have children?
Why didn't God heal me?

Ever since I first prayed for healing from PCOS, every single time I have had an ultrasound - and I've had a lot of ultrasounds - I get so excited because I have asked God to bring back the right ovary that I lost.  I get so excited every time I have an ultrasound because I think "this will be the time that the right ovary is there and the doctor will be surprised and I can share how I've prayed for God to bring it back."  I have an expectation for that... I had an expectation for God to heal me of that cyst too...I knew it was going to happen... I just *knew* there would be no cyst when I went for that second ultrasoud.  But there was.

Let's go back to me sitting in the doctor's office...with all these negative thoughts attacking my mind... I started crying.  I had this moment of feeling so totally rejected (He didn't heal me...and it could be bad) and scared - and I took a breath and said "I trust you, God."  When I left there, I was still crying; I texted a few friends, asking for prayer, and at the end I added "I trust that God has a plan for my life...and it's an amazing one...no matter how this goes".  For the next two days I cried off and on, I told God I was scared, and I told Him "If I had a husband and kids right now, this wouldn't be such a difficult thing ya know"  (He said He knew that) and I told God how unfair it would be...how vastly unfair it would be, after everything I have walked through, for me to not be able to have my own child because of a stupid cyst.  (He didn't really need me to tell Him that either I guess)

None of that changed the fact that when I went for a follow up ultrasound...I had more cysts... and more pain... and more tears.  I actually had a tough few days after that one.  But every time I got scared... I went to God.  I continued to remind myself of who He is and who He isn't.  He is good, not bad...He loves me, He doesn't hate me...He is for me (completely), not against me... He is merciful...He does not ever set me up for failure.  I reminded myself that God has the most amazing plan for my life... and if it includes biological children...then I will have them.  If it doesn't...I won't.  But God has promised me children.  He never promised me that they would share my DNA...but He has promised me more children than I can even count.  And God doesn't break His promises.

I had this moment...about 3 weeks ago... I was talking to God about...things...I can't remember what... and I had this moment where I looked back at some of the changes that have taken place in me during this struggle with the cyst.  I was contemplating why God wouldn't have healed me, when I believed so strongly that He would...why would He allow me to walk away so broken...when I walked in feeling so sure of a report in my favor???  God told me, "I could have healed you when you first asked...but look what we would have missed out on"  What WE would have missed out on...Him and me.  My relationship with Him is stronger for having walked through this...my trust in Him is stronger because of it... and my awareness of who HE says I am is greater as a result.  Something has shifted in me during this process...and it feels like a huge shift.  I am not the same.

So here's the part I've been waiting to be able to share... waiting for months because I knew it would come one way or another... night before last I was hurting - which is not uncommon... I was at a Christmas party and towards the end I was wanting to leave because I had started hurting pretty bad.  All I could think of was getting home to lay down..which usually helps the pain.  That night it didn't help.  I tried a heating pad...that made it worse, which is not typical at all.  I took Tylenol... it didn't help.  I was praying through this and I told God "if I am supposed to go to the ER, make the pain unbearable...otherwise I will wait until tomorrow and call the doctor"  (I greatly dislike the ER...for many reasons)  About 30 minutes later...I was on the way to the ER.  I texted a friend....she didn't answer.  I started to call...I felt God say no...  I told God on the way to the ER "see...I should have a husband with me right now... I'm not supposed to go to the ER alone..."  (just in case he forgot that I am past marrying age)  He didn't need my reminder...He knew.  Fast forward to me waiting for the test results... I'm praying... I'm hurting... and the thought comes again - I should have someone here with me... I shouldn't be alone.  I reached for my phone, but again God said no.  I had been praying this whole time...but in just one moment I had this idea to invite Jesus to be a stand in since no one was there with me.  And, of course, He was glad to do this...since it's what He wanted me to do from the beginning  :)

I was so comforted...and He even made me laugh in the midst of it all.  He just sat and talked with me and brought me such peace.  Shortly after... the doctor comes back and he says "We have the results of your ultrasound... there is no evidence of any cyst"  I was surprised...and happy (to say the least) and said maybe the pain was from it rupturing.  By this time, the shot (non-narcotic cause I was driving) had taken away most of the pain I was feeling and they discharged me with instruction to see a doctor for follow up. 

Guys... I may never know why things happen the way they do... but I really think the reason for all the pain was just so that I could KNOW that something was happening...and then could have this amazing Christmas gift of knowing that the cysts (all of them) are gone!!!  Even the complex one!

It truly is a miracle!  I am thankful that I have a relationship with the God who creates life... I still don't know all that is in His plan for me... but I am still trusting.  What I do know about it is that He has promised that it will be amazing...more wonderful than I can even imagine.  I can't wait to see what He has in store! 

Stinky things...

I've mentioned before that God talks to me through some strange things at times...well...my mind is currently expanding again (that's how it feels...sometimes when this happens I think I can almost feel things moving around up there; making room for a greater awareness of one thing or another) and I wanted to share.

Last night I was sort of watching, and mostly listening to this cartoon movie while I was working on a project.  There was this character in the movie...he was a "half-Barron" and he had this little mosquito the rode around on his shoulder.  This mosquito was annoying to the guy, he was smelly and gross, and he also, as mosquitoes do, drank the guys blood.  The man had been cursed...because of his extreme pride... and the only way to remove the mosquito from his shoulder was that the man had to agree with the mosquito...just once... about anything.  When asked why he wouldn't just agree with the mosquito on something to get rid of this nuisance, he replied that he was far too important to lower himself to agreeing with a tiny mosquito.

I didn't pay a lot of attention to that, other than thinking it was a bit silly, until a scene in the movie when the half-Barron - in a moment where the group is being threatened - says that he will be in charge and save the group.  Then the mosquito agrees, yes, the half-Barron should be in charge.  Then...with the enemy closing in, the half-Barron emphatically declares that he is not in charge and will not be in charge.  So the group is standing there, threat looming...until the mosquito says something along the lines of "ok...you are a horrible choice for a leader" at which point the half-Barron decides to be the leader again and helps the group.

Now... I had to run that back and watch that scene play out a second time so that I could pay attention to it...he was willing to allow himself and the group to be harmed just so that he didn't have to agree with this mosquito!  That started some things rolling around and I felt this question bloom in my mind "what nasty parasites am I carrying around all because I don't want to 'lower myself' to acknowledge their presence?"

What stinky have I become so accustomed to carrying with me that rarely smell them?  Jealousy is pretty stinky... do I allow it to leave a displeasing odor on me and drive a wedge between myself and others?  What about all those self-depreciating thoughts...those don't smell that great.  If I don't confront those and replace them with the truth of what God says about me...they can make me smell so bad that it will affect every relationship I have.  Or anger...all those outbursts - even if they are just in my mind - when someone frustrates me while I'm being the best driver ever. 

The list goes on...and I could put quite a few things here, let's be honest, we all could...but I think another important point in dealing with all those stinky things is this: what you focus on becomes your focus.  So if I am trying to up-root one of those smelly things from my life... beating myself up about it and asking "what's wrong with me that I still struggle with _______" isn't going to help much.  Focusing on the truth of who God has made me to be, on the other hand, seems to be the quickest method of bringing that truth into fruitfulness in my life.

The thing is... all these smelly little things...they grow over time... I think it's sort of like a garden...I have to tend the garden of my heart and pull up those little stink-weeds as soon as they sprout.  Their goal is to choke out joy, peace, love, and every other good-smelling thing that God helps me to plant there.  When I cultivate and tend those positive, life-bringing things... that also goes a long way towards keeping the stinky ones at bay.

I have another mind-expanding blog swirling around up there...but I'll save it for another day.  :)

The movie I am referring to is Hero Quest...I'm not trying to steal their story, just use a small part that I thought was powerful.  ;)

Learning to trust...

Recently God began asking me "Do you trust me?".  This question has come in a few circumstances and my answer has been "No...not really."  So when that question started coming, and I searched my heart and came back with the honest answer that maybe I don't fully trust God to provide the very best (even though the road to "the very best" is sometimes - dare I say often - painful) I began asking "God, help me to trust you more...no not more...help me to trust you completely!"

Have you ever heard the expression "Be careful what you pray for"?  Well...this past week I got some less than desirable news. Wait...let me be honest...it didn't feel less than desirable... it felt devastating.  I immediately entered a zone where I had two choices... I could either trust God or give in to hopelessness. Guess what happened?  I was actually surprised at myself...I won't lie.  My trust in God far outweighed the hopelessness.  Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at that...but I am.  Even a couple of years ago, I think even one year ago, I would have handled this situation in a completely different way.

Don't get me wrong...there were tears, and if I spend much time thinking of the possible negative outcome...there are still tears.  There was fear...but God didn't put His Spirit within me so that I can live in fear...so I knew I had to fight against that fear and not give it a place...easier said than done by the way...especially when fear has only recently been evicted from the it's dark hiding place in my heart.  But overwhelmingly...my mind has remained focused on God's goodness and His ability to create the most spectacular miracles.

So today I thought of something.  Maybe...my answer of "No, not really" came from a place of being unaware.  If you were to ask me "Can you pick up a 50 lb weight and carry it across the room" I would probably say "I think so"  Because I know, based on past experience, how much weight I can safely lift and carry.  But I won't really know if I am able...until I try.  I can lift and carry a 50 lb toddler...but I might find it to be a bit different picking up a 50 lb weight.  It's in the process of doing it that I learn for sure if I am able. 

So, here I am, in the process (which I am starting to think of as "faith lifting" you know...like weight lifting...get it???) and you know what I am learning?  My faith is stronger than I thought.  I'm actually looking at this situation and, with complete honesty, saying "God, no matter how this turns out, I trust that you have a spectacular plan for my life".  Every now and then I am surprised all over again with the peace and comfort that I feel in the midst of something that could have me crying on the floor in fear and helplessness.  Only because of the Holy Spirit am I able to have this comfort and peace...only because of His strength in me am I able to rest in this faith.  It's really quite amazing.

I still sort of consider myself to be a "baby Christian" (although I prefer the term "friends with Jesus" over Christian) and in these moments I am left in awe of the way that God is gifting me with peace in the storm.  A peace that I have done nothing to deserve or create and cannot, in any way, sustain without Him.  I am, once again, blown away because His love and provision are so amazing.  He is good...even when life doesn't seem that good.

p.s. I want to share a couple of the verses that really help me through difficult moments.  If I begin to feel discouraged or fearful...these are two of the top verses that I draw comfort from.

Isaiah 46:10
Only I (God) can tell you the future before it even happens.  Everything I plan will come to pass, I do whatever I wish

Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I (God) will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

Expectations...

I have some pretty high expectation for myself.  Like...sometimes...these expectations walk the line of perfection.  And while I am pretty amazing... I am far from perfect.  So this morning I was reading in a devotional and...as sometimes happens... I read this one sentence that has now been bouncing around in my mind for a while... (I can't be the only one who experiences this "whoa! that is amazing" feeling and then spends a whole day - or week - contemplating something...)

What I was reading was basically asking if the ends justify the means.  If the outcome is "good" (a relative term...sure) does it matter how you get there?  In the middle of the paragraph was this sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do."  I read that sentence...and then I read it again, and again... and then my mind started gluing it together with some things I've been contemplating this morning - namely...  Why do I still struggle with my identity and value???   Here's how it went in my head: I read that sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do" and my mind went to "Just like God cares as much about the journey I am walking as He does about the finish" then to "God is happy to walk with me as I continue to learn my identity and value...He is not disappointed that I'm not 'there' yet".

In the past, I have struggled quite a bit with guilt and shame over why I haven't made enough progress in some area...or why I still struggle in some area.  Why am I not perfect???  It seems silly to say it that way...why am I not perfect... but that is sort of what I expect from myself at times, and let's be real... as long as I am living...I will fall far short of perfection.  I am not saying that I should just go along and do whatever I feel like doing...I've lived that life and it led me to some pretty unhappy places, but at the same time...I shouldn't beat myself up for the fact that I'm not perfect.

Back to my thoughts this morning - before I read that one sentence - about my value and identity.  At one time, I had a very dismal view of my value and identity...that has changed drastically, and because of these drastic changes... I don't get into that guilt and shame (over just about anything) the way that I used to...but still sometimes I can feel the tugging of those old thoughts "what is wrong with me?  if I worked at this harder it would be better by now.  why can't I just get over _______?"

Darkness that is familiar to us will often try to drag us back into old thought patterns.  Thankfully...I recognize it almost immediately now.  Where I used to spend days (weeks...longer?) upset with myself because I had failed in some way or hadn't reached some goal; I now am able to look on the progress that I have made and thank God that whatever mistake or misstep occurred is taking me closer to healing.

Sometimes, I can get so focused on the finish line that I can't see the race.  My vision is so zoned in on the end goal that I don't value each step that is taking me closer to it.  There is value in the journey that I am walking.  Each step has value... even if it feels like a step in the wrong direction. I can never reach the finish line without each step that takes me towards it. 

So... today I am thankful that, even though I still have some things to learn about who I am and how valuable I am, I have learned so much about my identity and value over the past few years.  Also, I choose to be thankful that I am currently walking through some lessons that will take me even closer to finding  my value not in other people...but in God alone.  One step closer to perfection y'all  ;)

Relationships take work...

I'm reading this book...well, I'm reading lots of books right now.  Actually...I stopped and counted... I am actively reading 5 books currently.  Well, not at this very moment (obviously) ;)  you know what I mean...

So I'm reading this book and taking this class at my church and it's actually about marriage...but I figured  "hey...I plan to be married one day so...I'm down."  The first class was tonight and this is my take-away from it: Relationships require work.  Love requires work. 

I see that and think...well...obviously.  No relationship just happens.  In order for people to be "in a relationship" there must be sort of connection.  This book points out how at the beginning of a relationship...you make a specific effort to make time for the other person.  You might sacrifice time that was previously spent doing something else to spend time getting to know this other person. 

Unfortunately, once you get comfortable with the relationship...you can start to take it for granted.  Maybe not set aside so much time for that person.  Maybe you don't make so many sacrifices.  The point is that in order to have a healthy marriage, you must continue putting effort, work into the relationship.  You must continue making time for your spouse whether you are just married...or you've been together for 20 years.

Now... Here is what's on my mind tonight.  Reading all that and listening to it.  My mind says - yeah, we all know.  Love doesn't just happen.  Love is a choice that we make.  I know all this...it makes sense...
But then...driving home I was thinking of something.

I struggle to spend time with God.  I will think about how I want to do that...spend time alone with God everyday, read my Bible...  But then I don't do it.  I just don't make time. 
So...I was talking to God about this on my way home and I realized...I am basically just waiting for it to happen.  Waiting for the day when I wake up and suddenly just have such a strong desire to spend time with God that I do it. 

But how is that any different than not putting any effort into  relationship and expecting it to grow and thrive? 

So here is another example...
Say there's a guy who is interested in me...he is going to make an effort to talk to me, get to know me...   If I am interested in this man... am I going to remain silent?  Or am I going to make an effort to talk to him and get to know him?

Obviously I am going to make an effort.  I am going to talk to him and spend time getting to know him.  It is a choice that I make...it doesn't happen on accident.  So...why don't I do that with God?

An obvious answer could be that it's easier to make time for a human that I can see and audibly hear...but God is no less real.  He is speaking to me.  He makes an effort to engage me daily, and I do talk to Him daily...but I don't stop and spend time with Him.  He wants me to stop what I am doing sometimes and just sit with Him. 

In many ways...I still consider myself a "baby" Christian.  I have been friends with Jesus for about...7 years now.  I've said it before...but it's worth repeating... my life has been transformed since I started a relationship with Jesus.  And the transformation continues...

Transformation...

If you can't tell from reading my blog...I have a lot of words in me.  One way they come out is writing here...but that's only when God drops something on me that He wants me to share... another way those words get out is talking (I do love to talk y'all), journaling also provides a perfect outlet for processing of words.

I have done a lot of processing through writing over the years.  I've also done a lot of changing, a lot!  That has been on my mind a bit lately.  I ask God for a word for each year, sort of an alternative to the new years resolution thing.  My word for 2016 is Transformation and  when God gave me that word He told me that this would be a year for deeper healing.  Man...am I seeing that!  I literally feel that I am at the finish line with some things.  I feel I am getting deeper levels of healing and wholeness.

But here's the thing about healing...it hurts - which makes sense when you consider the fact that healing is only necessary when there is a wound.  It's not easy.  It's hard work.  Personally, I believe that healing is a long-term commitment and I applaud each and every person that chooses to walk down this difficult path. This is a long intro because...what I'm going to write about could be a little offensive.  Maybe it's still a little offensive to me. Well...if I'm honest - and I am...very honest - it is offensive to me.  But...here we go.

In order to heal - I have to be willing to let go of the identity that I had from being a victim.

This is a huge part of the struggle...it has been for me anyway.  I have struggled with this idea because..well...I guess because it feels so unfair that I should have to work so hard to undo something that was done to me.  But maybe even that statement walks the line of victim mentality.  But let's just be really real for a moment... it's not fair.  It will never be fair that the victim is left to pick up the pieces and put their life back together.  It sucks.  End of story. 

But...the truth is this - regardless of who hurt me, regardless of how they hurt me, regardless of how old I was when they hurt me... only *I* can choose to pick myself up and change my life.  And that is HARD TO DO!  No, it's not fair...but the way I see it, I only have two options: 1) I can stay in my suffering and anger, wall the world off to protect myself and remain miserable or 2) I can choose to believe that I can create a better future for myself by working towards healing.

It has been a long journey.  I was relatively young  when I came to the realization that the only way my life would get better was if I worked hard to change some things.  Even at a young age I knew that I did not want to continue the behaviors I had grown up with; I wanted to provide a better life for my own children, and I knew that in order to do that...I would need to work on myself. Even with that realization and a strong desire to not see the same patterns continue in my life...I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to give up... the number of times I have gotten so angry and wanted to just sort of throw a temper tantrum...because it's not fair. 

It took me a long time to see that I was living as a victim.  And when I started realizing that...I became angry all over again.  I had done so much work towards healing in my life and then realized that in order to make more progress...I had to basically let go of the identity that I had become accustomed to.  I had to let go of the idea that someone, somewhere owed me something in return for my suffering.  I had to walk away from my anger and desire for retribution...and embrace forgiveness.  I had to turn my thoughts away from an expectation to be disappointed and hurt...and instead...learn to look for and expect good things.  And that made me so angry.

I had grown so accustomed to my anger and to the "I don't care" mask that I had been wearing for pretty much my entire life...that letting go of it was extremely uncomfortable.  But I kept going...I kept walking and making an effort (not always my best effort but an effort all the same) to be different.  So with all of that...and this long path I've been walking down...with all the transformation and change that has taken place in my life...  Let's go back to my talk of journaling...

One week ago, I was writing in my journal...and God let me know that I am still identifying as a victim in some areas (insert surprised face).  So here I am...well over a decade into working to change my life, almost a decade since I became friends with Jesus...and still I have areas where I identify as a victim!  That's crazy to me!!  I used to think there would come this day when I would be *poof* healed and no longer have any issues, never be unhappy, skipping through a field of flowers...a huge smile on my face that will never again waver or fall... 

At least I can laugh about it now.  Because now I see that this transformation is step by step...and it's ok that it's not all at once...in fact I think there is a value in the long-term.  I'm not walking this path to healing for 30 days then passing through the door to a new life...where I can forget the struggle and skip around and enjoy my new life - leaving all the ugliness on the other side of that door.  No...this is a commitment...it's my life.  The value in that long-term walk is that I don't lose who I used to be in the transformation, and that I gain a relationship with the one who is healing me.

At one point in my life, I saw no value in the experiences of my past...I honestly wanted to wipe all of those memories from my life and begin a new life where I could pretend that none of those things happened.  That I was never that person...but... I was that person.  No amount of healing or change can remove the past.  And here is the value in that... There is power in the things that God has done in my life.  God saved me...He brought me out of dark places.  He came to me when I was at my lowest and He loved me even when I hated Him.  I'm getting into another subject now...but there is value in the relationship that I now have with God who is The Healer. 

So...I will remain committed to walking this path...to letting go of my identity as a victim...to surrendering my right to retribution.  I choose forgiveness over retaliation.  I choose to focus on the beauty and joy in this life and not on darkness and hopelessness. 

Man I could write so much more here...I think I could write about this for hours (and I have) but I want to add one last thing.  More than anything I don't want to make it sound like it's easy to forgive or to let go of the victim identity...it's not.  Well, if you tell me it was easy for you I won't argue...that's your experience, but for me it's been agonizing...painful.  My life is so transformed.  I have been on my knees sobbing with the pain of it at times... I don't ever want to make someone feel like I'm saying "just get better...just don't feel sorry for yourself...just get over it" (ever heard those words? I sure have).  My desire is to encourage. 
I guess if I don't end this here...I may never end it so.....

Today...

Today, during worship, I didn't stand and sing like I usually do.  I walked in after worship had already started, found a seat, and just sat in it.  I checked my Facebook (because I hadn't in like 30 minutes ya know) and then drank some water... then I just closed my eyes and started talking to Jesus.

Jesus rather quickly told me to just be quiet.  So I did. 

I was sitting there with my eyes closed, trying to be quiet...which is hard...because I like to talk and I don't particularly enjoy silence - especially in my mind.  There's always something going on up there...  I'm usually thinking about at least one thing (ok, let's be real...more like three things) and singing a song of some sort...planning out the next thing I will look up on Google.

But I did my best not to speak... ahem, think... and after a few moments of silence I began to see this picture.  I saw a hand, a left hand to be exact, and it was holding the tiniest little dot of light between the thumb and forefinger.  Before I could even wonder what this was...God began to speak to me about my creation.  He began telling me about how, during my creation, He considered many things.  He thought about how I would be, what I would look like, how tall I would be, the color of my hair and eyes....

Then I did speak ask Him something... something I have asked Him on many occasions... usually while I am sobbing and my heart feels broken - but today I asked Him out of curiosity - not from a place of pain or blame - but just because I want to know "Why did you make me?  Knowing all that would happen to me, why did you still make me?"

He said "I made you because I saw your beauty, and I couldn't leave you as your were.  I considered the cost.  I weighed the cost of your pain, what it would cost me, and I decided that it was worth it."

There was a sudden flash of...something...in me.  I asked Him "Cost you???  It cost me!!"

He quickly answered me "Your suffering is not only a cost to you.  I have paid a high price, because I have suffered with you.  I suffer greatly when children are hurt.  In the moment that I held your light in my hand, I knew everything that would happen to you, I knew what I would suffer for you, and I decided that you were worth it.  It was worth it all to have a relationship with you, to have you look at me with love.  I didn't just see those things, I also saw the choices you could make, I saw I saw your journey...I saw what you could become."

Let me stop here and say that I have struggled in the past with feeling worthless...I believed growing up that I was a mistake, an accident, a pariah - unwanted and unloved.  I'm not being dramatic here, just really stinkin vulnerable.

Now, it's been a while since I felt worthless.  The more I have learned to see myself the way God sees me - the less those thoughts and feelings have plagued me.  But God knows...He sees when there's even a speck of that old lie still floating around inside. 

This entire encounter was something that I frequently pray for the ones I love...it was an encounter with The Living God, Creator of the universe that left me so profoundly aware of His great love for me that I am changed. 

God did not just throw me together, put His breath in my lungs and then go on about His way.  He carefully considered the cost - both of the evil things that would be done to me, and the evil things that I would do - He was intentional and thoughtful.  He looked at the timeline of my life...looked at the roads that would be available for me to take (or not take) and in the end He chose to create me because it was worth it, I was worth it.  He looked forward to the possibility of a relationship with me and saw it as a beautiful thing.  He looked at me and saw beauty...not a stain. 

I understand that some will read this and think it's crazy...although they probably won't get this far.  That's ok... this was a deeply personal experience between God and myself.  It's actually a bit difficult to share because - with something that means so much to me...it's hard to make it vulnerable to others.  But, once again, God has asked me to share this part of it.  The rest is just between me and Him for now.

But here's the one thing you have to remember... This conversation could have been between God...and you.  Because you are this valuable to Him...He considered you just as deeply and decided you were worth it.  He looked forward to a relationship with you.

Every person on this earth is that valuable to Him...
I guess I will share this one last thing... if you've read this far...
you can share this one other thing with me...
after all our talking, when I was feeling so loved and valuable and wonderful...God told me
"I weighed the cost with them too" (referring to the ones who are responsible for all the suffering I mentioned earlier) when He said that I started crying all over again.
He said "I saw it all, I saw what they could become...I saw the cost of the suffering I would endure for them...and I decided that they were worth it."

I'm crying now even as I write this.  I've shared about my struggles with forgiveness... and I was praying about that very thing just last night.
God used this whole thing to show me how much He values me...but also how much He values them. No one is worthless to God.  If they were worthless, if they were incapable of having value to God - He wouldn't have created them.

This is a hard place to end this... but I don't have a whole lot more to say on this subject right now.  If you read all the way to the end...I'll say thank you because I know this was long and probably a bit choppy... I hope that it encourages you in some way...
It has changed me.
It still is changing me.



   

A wrong turn...

Today I had a pretty incredible experience...  I took a wrong turn while I was driving!!!  :)  I know...it doesn't sound *that* incredible.  But let me tell you what made this such an awesome experience...

I was actually in the process of having a conversation with God (I like to talk to Him out loud while I'm driving sometimes) about hearing Him, about how I really want to listen for Him and hear, clearly, what He is saying to me.  I was headed to a place that I needed GPS for so I just used the map on my phone and I had it set so that it would tell me, out loud, when to turn, how far to travel, etc.  

So I was just driving and talking, and I took an exit to switch from one interstate to another.  My GPS didn't tell me to do this...I was just distracted and in the back of my mind I thought this was the direction I needed to go.  Well... almost as soon as I took this exit - it hit me - this is the wrong way!!! But there was nothing I could do...except follow this interstate and take the first available exit, turn around and get back on the correct interstate, all the while listening to my phone tell me to turn around and go back to the route.  This little detour added 7 minutes onto what was approximately a 20 minute drive.  To me...that is notable because it was a pretty small detour in terms of miles, but... that's 1/3 of the original travel time.  That's a long delay for such a small mistake...but then that could open up a whole other blog post...

So back to my travels...I get back on the correct path and I am having this mind blowing revelation about what just happened and how it correlates to the conversation I was having with God... at the moment it happened!  I see this parallel in my mind of how this is similar to listening for God, following His lead towards point A, and then staying on that course until I reach point A...but somewhere along this course God gave new directions...I was supposed to take a left and redirect to point B...but at the beginning I heard God and He said point A...so I'm headed to point A.  I heard Him, I did...He said point A...but that was to get me headed in the right direction...He was still talking to me and I missed it while I was so focused on following Him to that original destination.  

This is still sort of rolling around in my mind right now; I'm seeing more and more layers of it.  How this has played out in my life at times...and how I have (on occasion) been so confused thinking..."but I heard God!" and feeling like I'd made some mistake...maybe I didn't really hear God...maybe I'm crazy.   But I did hear God, I just set my eye on that first destination and didn't quite hear when God course-corrected.  And here's one more thing...even in my failure to hear his redirection...my heart's true desire was to follow him!  I was actively trying to follow him...yet may end up feeling like I missed it altogether. 

One more thing...I also want to make sure that when I am hearing God...it's really Him and not me.  Because I think sometimes when I get that first set of coordinates (if only it was that set in stone lol)..and I start going...later when I go back to Him and ask if I should continue - I am so set on the direction I've been heading that when I hear "continue" its really coming from me...not from God.  And then...I may end up wondering if I ever really got that from God at all...or was it me all along?? 

Hearing from God...and knowing that it's Him... is all about relationship.  I guess it's sort of like any friendship...the more time you spend talking to a person, the more you know them.  You know how, with a close friend (someone you know really well)...if someone came to you and told you they said something - but it was totally out of character for that person - you would immediately know it?   I feel it's the same way with God.  Now... I'm definitely still learning and growing in this...and I have  lot of room for improvement, but it's something that I am trying to cultivate because it is so important to me to follow His plan for my life.

I love how God seeks to communicate with us...we only need to listen and cultivate that relationship... because that's so easy right?  Part of my reason for sharing this, is that I struggle to properly care for and cultivate my relationship with God.  I'll be honest, it's easy for time to fly by and I haven't opened my Bible or really dedicated any of my time to God...and I feel bad about that.  I struggle with guilt over it...but I am trying to do better.  

AI believe that what God wants...is my willing heart...and He has it :) 

It's not fair...

Tonight, during worship at church, I started talking to God about an issue I'm facing. I've been asking Him what action to take about a specific issue...and I hadn't gotten an answer yet.  So I sat down...and asked "what do you want me to do" 

Mostly God talks to me through pictures.  Tonight was no different, and I didn't like the picture I saw.  I had a very specific idea of how I wanted God to answer me... ever been there?  Asking for an answer...but you've already got the answer that you desire packaged up...and nothing else will really do?  At least it feels like nothing else will do...

The truth is..my heart is His...and He knows it.  I am not perfect, by any means.  I am human and that very fact means that I am given to error, but my heart is His and He knows I will follow (eventually).  So I told God...I don't like this...I don't want to do this...but... I will do whatever you want me to do - no matter how much I don't want to.  But God...I need your help.

Then I started feeling all these emotions... I sat there, crying, telling God I was angry at Him.  Angry because I feel that what He is asking me to do isn't fair.  It's NOT FAIR!  Seriously...I felt like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.  My body was shaking with the anger that was so alive in me...and I told God I felt He was betraying me...throwing my hurt and pain away and turning His back on me when clearly He should be taking my side in this!

And then God told me "it's not about fair...it's about relationship" 

Guys - tonight...I almost audibly heard the words God was speaking to me.  I have never before experienced such a tangible clarity in hearing from God...and I think it's because He knew that I wouldn't hear Him on this any other way.  My faith for what He was saying...wasn't there.  My expectation was so set on that nice little answer I had gift-wrapped (ya know, so He could hand it to me all nice and pretty and painless?) that I needed that kind of clarity.

 While I was explaining to Him how unfair this was (clearly...it is unfair in the natural...even He didn't argue with me on that point) He said several things.  I want to share some of our conversation
I told him "It's not fair! You should be angry on my behalf.  I have a right to be angry!"
He said to me "It's not about fair...it's about relationship.  I am about relationship...not tearing apart"
I told him "this is going to end in me being hurt... again"
He said to me "I am not doing this to hurt you.  I wouldn't have you be hurt again"
I told him "This is not fair!!!"  (In case He didn't hear me maybe...)
He said to me "Do you trust me"
and I said... "No"

There's the truth of it.  In this particular situation...I don't trust God to have my back, to protect me, to bring beauty from ashes, to turn darkness to light...all those things He does on a daily basis.  But along with that lack of trust (which is rooted in a lie somewhere) I also have the knowledge and awareness that I CAN trust God, that He always cares about me.  See, I know that lack of trust is rooted in a lie because it goes against what I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD.  

So...here's to walking it out... to following His plan not mine... to speaking His words when mine sound better to me... to resting in His peace when there is chaos all around... to doing something that goes against every logical thought in my mind.  His way is better, I have to trust that.  His way brings redemption and healing and love and...every good and perfect thing there is. 

So God...I will do what you want me to do, even though I don't want to, I just need your help. 

Feels like home...

Well...I've been in the US for a week now!

All at once it seems like I just got here...and like I've been here for a lot longer than a week.

Last summer was my first visit back to the US after living in Tanzania... I arrived here knowing the date I would return to Tanzania and what I would be doing when I returned there.

This summer... I don't know.  I don't have a date for when I will return.  That is sort of up to God.  I'm pretty certain of what I will be doing when I return...but even that is not 100% sure.  I don't know where I will be living... or even where I will stay while I find my own home.

There are a lot of unknowns, but I won't get into all that right now.  What I'm thinking of with this post is the strange feeling of having two places that feel like home.

I have lived in Tanzania for the past two years and from the moment I arrived there it has felt quite like home to me.  When I leave there...I feel I am leaving my home.  I miss my friends and family and remind myself I will see them soon.

I have spent most of my life living in Louisiana...considerably longer than the amount of time I have spent in Tanzania...and coming here, well... it feels like coming home.  I am excited to see the friends and family I have been missing for so long!  It's sort of an odd place to be in...I am leaving home...to come home.

The thing that makes Tanzania home...is the people.  The wonderful friends and family that I have there that make me feel loved and welcome and let me know they are happy for me to be there.

The thing that makes Louisiana home...is the people.  :)  For the same... exact... reason!   

You know what that tells me?  It tells me that it's possible to have a lot more than two places that feel like home  :)   I think that's pretty awesome!

Here it is...

Here it is again...the end.

The end of a set period of time.  Teaching has measured out my life in a way that I never experienced when I was working in an office.  The end of school is sort of like the end of the year...it leaves me in a state of reflection before the beginning of something new.

There are all these thoughts running through my mind about where I was at the beginning of the school year compared to where I am now.  Thinking of all the changes that have taken place in my life, my heart, and my mind over the past 10 months along with the memories and experiences that I have gained in that time.  .

Sometimes it can begin to seem like I'm just living life and nothing much is happening...days run together into weeks and then months...and then almost an entire year has passed.  As the days run together into a lifetime, some moments stand out. You know those moments that feel life-changing?  Sometimes you see it as it's happening, sometimes you see it when you look back...but they are always there.

Those moments can feel sudden, like something just clicked into place all at once...but in reality there have been all these smaller moments, going unnoticed, that have led, step-by-step to that very noticeable life-altering moment. 

It can seem as if something comes from nothing...all in that moment.  But that's not really what's going on.  Right now, I feel as if several things are falling into place in my life in areas where I have had quite a bit of uncertainty, and as those things "fall into place" - with what seems like effortless grace - it can feel as if I have struggled through all this uncertainty and now suddenly it's just clicking. 

But during the uncertainty and the shifting, during the transformation that was happening so slowly that I didn't even see it... there were moments where I made choices.  I made a choice to go one direction instead of another, I made a choice to follow where I believed God was leading me instead of where I may have wanted to go, I made a choice to leave behind things that were comfortable and known in favor of following the path that I believe God is leading me on.

It's in those moments that the shift begins...it's in those moments of decision and choice that the life-altering moments (those ones that happen so suddenly, ya know?) are born.  Those life-changing moments really begin in the middle of the days where it seems as if life is just slowly passing by and maybe I'm not doing much.  Because really I'm doing a lot, even though it seems that I'm not doing much...I'm listening for God and I'm following His lead - and that's just about the biggest thing I can do.

So...here's to life-changing moments and a future that has been totally planned out by my loving Father!!!

God is good...

I was sitting here tonight thinking...God is good... and after that thought passed through my mind it was followed with the thought "God is good, even when life isn't".  Those two thoughts are what prompted all that follows  ;)

Sometimes things happen that just aren't fair.  I know, I know "life isn't fair" and we can't expect it to be... the word fair doesn't even really apply I guess, but... that's just the best way I know to describe some of the sad things that happen in life.

There are so many things in life that are just "not fair" - someone you love dies and you are left with a gaping hole in your life... you're faced with a devastating illness... a relationship falls apart... your family isn't there for you... this list could go on and on. 

I'm not facing any "unfair" things at the moment, but I know some people who are and it makes my heart sad for them.  I've faced plenty of unfair things in my life and I know it can be so hard to focus on anything other than the difficulty you are facing.

God *is* good.  Every single day, He is good and He is loving.  But when you are wading through the hard stuff...it's easy to become so focused on the pain of whatever quicksand is dragging you down, that you lose sight of the fact that God is still good and He has a wonderful plan for your life.

I've been there...I've been in a place where my circumstances sort of got on top of me and overwhelmed me (it wasn't just once either...it's happened a few times), we've all been there.  God created us to experience emotions, and when sad things happen...we will experience grief and all the other emotions that accompany those unfair things of life.

And here is the real point of this post - a verse that has been a great source of comfort to me at times when I was walking through some of those unfair life experiences...
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.

There have been times when I just read these verses and cried because that felt like all I could do in that moment.  I believe that in those moments where we can do nothing but cry...our tears are filled with all the words we are unable to speak...and God hears them.  I think that these verses perfectly describe those times that the unfairness of life has left me feeling overwhelmed.  I've had times when I literally felt I was drowning, so oppressed by sorrow and hurt that I wasn't sure I could continue breathing... If you've felt that way...do you see the description of that feeling here in these verses?

God is good...even when life isn't.  And when life isn't good...God is right there with us.  Walking alongside us.  He holds our head above the ocean of sorrow that threatens to drown us.  He protects us from the flames that would destroy us.  He is there with us no matter what is going on in our lives.  That doesn't mean the painful stuff doesn't hurt...it just means we have a good baba (Swahili for father) who holds us in His arms and comforts us when the hurt comes.

God has a plan...

This post got a bit more vulnerable than I expected... but I'm still sharing it.

Here lately I have found myself sharing a verse that brings me comfort: Isaiah 46:10.  This verse says "Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish" (NLT...cuz that's the version Bible my friend bought for me when I became friends with Jesus...so that's the one I usually memorize lol)

This verse comforts me in moments when I feel sad or overwhelmed or just uncertain about where I'm at in life, or what is to come.  Let me say this up front - I LOVE my life...I am not sad or confused about my life and I couldn't be happier.  If you've read any of my blogs, or have (pretty much) had any conversations with me...you know that God has completely transformed my life and I am beyond thankful for where my life is right now. 

But... there are things I desire that I don't have.  I want to be married, and I want a family and I desire these things a lot.  Today, I was watching my sweet kiddos play and suddenly this thought popped into my head "will I ever get to watch my own kids play?  Or will it always be other people's kids?" That's a tough question...one I've asked different versions of, many times.

I don't know the answer...I am hopeful that I will have my own family...but (obviously) I can't know the future.  I believe without a doubt that I will be married one day...but I don't know about kids.  That doesn't mean I won't have them...I have faith that God can do anything.  But I can't answer this question.

So...when thoughts like that pop into my head - as they do more frequently as the years pass... I have a choice.  I can focus on the unknown and the question - give in to sadness or longing... feel sorry for myself and angry that things haven't gone the way I wanted.  Or... I can focus on the one thing I can be sure of without a doubt.  God has a plan for my life.

I've gone through a lot of pain and sadness in the past, getting to a point where I can truly, honestly say that I am willing to follow God's plan for my life - even if it doesn't seem to be bringing the things that I so desire.  I have reached a point where I can say, with confidence, that no matter where God leads me and no matter what He has planned for my future...I will follow, and have joy!  I know this because I have found that when I follow Him, there is always joy.  Not that there is never sadness...but there is always joy!

Sometimes, sadness creeps in.  I look around and it's easy to feel rather alone at times.  I'm aware that I'm not alone in this...I'm not the only 30-something single woman wondering why on earth I'm not married yet...or wondering if I will ever hold a baby in my arms that I don't have to hand off to someone else... I'm not the only one to shed tears over this...but it can feel like it at times.  Thankfully the moments when sadness comes are infrequent...and don't usually last long...but they come.

The only comfort I have found is in the knowledge that God loves me...He loves me so much...and He wants good things for me.  That is something I can rely on no matter where I am in life.  I have found limitless joy in following Him and allowing Him to transform me more and more into the person HE says I am and I know that the joy will continue as I continue working with Him to transform my life even more! 

I have no idea when I will be married (I have an abundance of faith for this...I just have no clue when, where, who...all the questions) and I have no idea if I will have my own children... but I *do* know that God has a plan for my life, and whatever He has planned...will come to pass... and even though that plan may seem to me as if it's not matching up with my plan at all...I can know that it's good.

I can't put my trust in the unknown...but I can put my trust in the One who knows...He made plans for my life before the first human walked the earth...and He always makes good plans.

All from a tree...

Sometimes I feel like God speaks some pretty profound words through some not-so-profound situations/things. Today I was driving down a road that I walk every morning and I noticed something for the first time. There are these trees...who knows how old they are but they aren't young...and they have barbed wire through them. At some point, a barbed wire fence was swallowed by these trees and even though the fence is no longer there (in its original form at least) these pieces of barbed wire are a part of these trees now.

That image stuck with me the rest of the night. These trees are still living...still growing...still producing new leaves, new branches and seeds to create new trees...basically - these trees are still doing what God created them to do - they are are being trees. 

The barbed wire is still there...sticking out  and visible - but it doesn't prevent the tree from fulfilling its purpose as a tree.  I've had lots of "barbed wire" in my life - things that were painful and scarring. Some of those scars you can see with your eyes, but most you can't. The scars you can see don't bother me anymore...I honestly forget they are even there unless someone asks...but the invisible scars...those are the ones that still impact on my life on a daily basis. 

I used to believe that the damage created by that "barbed wire" had changed me in such a way as to make me incapable of some things...that it prevented me from being a certain way, or from having some things in my life.  But, just like those trees that continued growing in spite of the barbed wire, remained whole in spite of the barbed wire, and continued to fulfill their purpose as trees...in spite of the barbed wire... I have learned that in spite of the barbed wire in my life - I am still fully capable of fulfilling every purpose that God has placed inside of me. I am fully capable of being the person that God created me to be. 

All the lies that were rooted in my heart as a result of that barbed wire from my past had me convinced that I would never be able to give or receive love - and look at my life now. I LOVE with my whole heart and have amazing relationships with so many people.  Another lie was that I would never be happy/have joy - but my life is so filled with joy.  I love my life...I am so stinking happy!!  I won't list all the lies...but each one is just as false as the last. 

Basically...those trees just have me thinking of how - no matter what the barbed wire is in my life - no matter how bad a thing hurt in the past or hurts me now - I am still able to walk in and fulfill the destiny that God has planned out for my life. Nothing will keep me from that as long as I am keeping my eyes on him. No matter what pain you have had, or have now, nothing disqualifies you from God's plan for your life.