Last night I was simply walking down the hall and had the thought "tomorrow is my birthday"... immediately I started crying. There's a lot going on right now... and emotionally... I was tired. I've cried so much over the past several days that my face now burns immediately when tears touch my cheeks, and let's not talk about how my eyes have been feeling :/
I took my tears to my room and started listening to a song that my friend suggested. Then I started sobbing... I had asked Jesus to just please comfort me... and he is always happy to comply with a request like that... so I was just crying with Jesus and telling him how I felt. Seriously guys... there is a lot going on in my life right now - I think a lot of us are in that place. I have really been asking God to help me as I process through these things... because, for real, I have no idea how to walk through them... so anyway...
...in the middle of the next song - it's like I almost heard an audible whisper in my ear. God... being the good daddy that he is... just whispered in my ear "if you could see what I see... you would be laughing right now instead of crying". Just a whisper, that's all. And in a moment... I was laughing. Laughing and still crying... and then just laughing. It's like, in that moment, he just filled me with so much joy.
Then this morning I was talking to God - I've shared a bit of how I used to really dislike my birthday and I was repenting for the times I have cursed the day of my birth and thanking him for my life, my freedom, his love... a short while after that God started talking to me about my age. I am 37 today and God was asking me what numbers can divide into 37. I was like... none, it's a prime number. So that rolled around in my head a little and I asked why did he point that out... He said just like 37 is a unique number to itself... that it can't be divided by other numbers... this is a unique year for me. That unique things will happen this year like no other year before.
I love getting a prophetic word from someone... but I really love getting a word directly from God, and that's a good word! :)
This has been such a special day... and I have great expectations for the year to come. I don't know what the next year will bring... it could bring more struggles, it could bring new levels of joy... but the one thing I do know is that I can trust God will be with me through all of it.
It's gonna be a good year y'all!
Showing posts with label Learning to trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Learning to trust. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Sunday, January 8, 2017
No makeup...
I was getting ready for church this past Wednesday, and as I prepared to put on makeup I had this feeling sort of like "I don't think I'll wear makeup tonight". I sat there for a moment wondering why I didn't feel like putting on makeup... it's not like it takes that long. So I started again to get things ready (I like to lay everything out so I can don't have to dig for it) and had a stronger feeling - I am not wearing makeup tonight. So I asked God... is this from you? It was. I wondered..."why doesn't God want me to wear makeup tonight? That's weird..." But... I didn't wear makeup.
I was in a great mood that day because I had been really talking with God about some things and I had just that afternoon decided to set aside the next three days for praying about when to return to Tanzania...and what to do with the time in between now and then. In a moment of pure passion... I told God (out loud for that matter) "God...I want to be willing to give up everything to follow you! Help me to be willing to let go of anything and everything and to go wherever you lead me!" (I added exclamations because I felt really excited when I said it). For the record...I was sort of thinking about like... stuff. Like... belongings mostly. Or even asking God to open my heart to wherever it is that He wants me. My mind was going in that direction when I said this.
So I happily drove to church, with no makeup... and I excitedly told a friend that I felt like big things were coming... exciting things. Then worship started... I was singing along... the second song started... I was praying and talking to God... and He showed me a picture I have seen countless times. The picture is me and these kids, who are all around me, and we are all smiling and so joyful. He first showed me this picture in 2013 when I was in Cambodia for the second time and when He showed me, He told me I would work in a children's home one day. Of course I was happy about that, everybody knows how much I love children.
So... God showed me that picture and He asked "What if being the best mom possible to these kids, means not having children of your own? Would you be willing?"
I was shocked... I hadn't even been thinking about anything like that. My reply was "That's not fair."
His reply was "Is it fair to them (the kids in the picture) to not have a good mom?"
Well...
I have several reasons, 5 to be exact, why I feel that question is so colossally unfair... but we won't get into that... God doesn't deal in "fair"... I can't tell you how many times, growing up, my father said to me "life isn't fair". It used to make me so angry, because life should be fair... but he was definitely right... life is so unfair. Bad things, horrible things, happen all around the world every day... and that's not fair. It's not fair that any child should not have a loving mother... and it's not fair that any mother should not have a child to love. So many unfair things happen... that's the way it is.
While God doesn't deal in "fair", He does deal in justice, He also deals in redemption and blessing. God made a promise to me about 4 years ago. I was sitting outside, reading my Bible, and I started talking to Him about how much I want to have a family. I looked out towards the field behind the house, and there was this lone tree along the fence, and it was just starting to bud. God told me "you will have more children than there are leaves on that tree." In that moment, I felt upset, because - if I'm gonna have that many kids... obviously they won't be biological. I had to repent for rejecting that promise. As the year went on, I watched the buds on that tree form leaves. So many leaves. I looked at that tree everyday and it really became a reminder of that promise. Side note: I haven't seen that tree since I left the US for Tanzania, but 18 days ago God showed me some earrings that remind me of that tree and His promise. He told me to buy them and every time I wear them I am reminded of all those leaves.
I have wanted to be a mother since I was little. I still remember saying, when I was 5 or 6 years old, that I wanted to have 20 babies... all at one time. I sang to my baby dolls and carried them everywhere... and eventually decided on a more conservative goal for my family size. When God asked me if I would be willing to give up the dream of having my own children if it meant being the best mom possible to the kids in that picture... I told Him yes... and then I cried... for the rest of the night.
Today I cried some more, let's be real... I'm crying right now. This hurts. A lot. I know it's not like God has told me I will never have biological children, He hasn't said for sure that won't happen...but He is asking me to be willing. It hurts to let go of something that I have dreamed of for so long. To somehow reconcile my heart with a real possibility that God may ask me to choose not to fulfill that desire, even if He does bring me a husband. It hurts... and it's ok that it hurts.
This morning as I was getting ready for church, I happened to look down at my hand and saw something I have never seen before, it was beautiful and confusing. The back of my hand had all these bright, white lights shining out of it, like the brightest pin-pricks of light actually shining out of my actual hand. Then my mind told me what it was; the tears in my eyes had caught the light and it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to appear as if they were shining.
God told me... "it works the same in the spirit too" Just like my tears altered my vision and, in that moment, I saw my hand in a way I've never seen it before... my brokenness can help me see things differently as well. I am not sure what all God is going to be teaching me through this... I can't even guess at how this will play out and how it will change me as I walk through it...but I can trust that it will be good. Because God is good... His plan for me is good and when I surrender my life to Him - His plans for me can more easily come to pass. And I can bank on the fact that His plans for me will bring me more joy than anything I could ever plan or dream up. But it still hurts.
Oh and the makeup thing... you know crying and mascara really don't go together. It's just not a good look. Thanks for the heads up, God.
Here is my disclaimer... I didn't want to share this. I wanted to play a game on my computer or watch a movie... and not think about all the unknown in my life right now, but God kept talking to me about making a blog post. So... here it is. This whole thing is very personal to me (obviously) and it's a bit difficult to share it like this. I just felt like I needed to say that.
I was in a great mood that day because I had been really talking with God about some things and I had just that afternoon decided to set aside the next three days for praying about when to return to Tanzania...and what to do with the time in between now and then. In a moment of pure passion... I told God (out loud for that matter) "God...I want to be willing to give up everything to follow you! Help me to be willing to let go of anything and everything and to go wherever you lead me!" (I added exclamations because I felt really excited when I said it). For the record...I was sort of thinking about like... stuff. Like... belongings mostly. Or even asking God to open my heart to wherever it is that He wants me. My mind was going in that direction when I said this.
So I happily drove to church, with no makeup... and I excitedly told a friend that I felt like big things were coming... exciting things. Then worship started... I was singing along... the second song started... I was praying and talking to God... and He showed me a picture I have seen countless times. The picture is me and these kids, who are all around me, and we are all smiling and so joyful. He first showed me this picture in 2013 when I was in Cambodia for the second time and when He showed me, He told me I would work in a children's home one day. Of course I was happy about that, everybody knows how much I love children.
So... God showed me that picture and He asked "What if being the best mom possible to these kids, means not having children of your own? Would you be willing?"
I was shocked... I hadn't even been thinking about anything like that. My reply was "That's not fair."
His reply was "Is it fair to them (the kids in the picture) to not have a good mom?"
Well...
I have several reasons, 5 to be exact, why I feel that question is so colossally unfair... but we won't get into that... God doesn't deal in "fair"... I can't tell you how many times, growing up, my father said to me "life isn't fair". It used to make me so angry, because life should be fair... but he was definitely right... life is so unfair. Bad things, horrible things, happen all around the world every day... and that's not fair. It's not fair that any child should not have a loving mother... and it's not fair that any mother should not have a child to love. So many unfair things happen... that's the way it is.
While God doesn't deal in "fair", He does deal in justice, He also deals in redemption and blessing. God made a promise to me about 4 years ago. I was sitting outside, reading my Bible, and I started talking to Him about how much I want to have a family. I looked out towards the field behind the house, and there was this lone tree along the fence, and it was just starting to bud. God told me "you will have more children than there are leaves on that tree." In that moment, I felt upset, because - if I'm gonna have that many kids... obviously they won't be biological. I had to repent for rejecting that promise. As the year went on, I watched the buds on that tree form leaves. So many leaves. I looked at that tree everyday and it really became a reminder of that promise. Side note: I haven't seen that tree since I left the US for Tanzania, but 18 days ago God showed me some earrings that remind me of that tree and His promise. He told me to buy them and every time I wear them I am reminded of all those leaves.
I have wanted to be a mother since I was little. I still remember saying, when I was 5 or 6 years old, that I wanted to have 20 babies... all at one time. I sang to my baby dolls and carried them everywhere... and eventually decided on a more conservative goal for my family size. When God asked me if I would be willing to give up the dream of having my own children if it meant being the best mom possible to the kids in that picture... I told Him yes... and then I cried... for the rest of the night.
Today I cried some more, let's be real... I'm crying right now. This hurts. A lot. I know it's not like God has told me I will never have biological children, He hasn't said for sure that won't happen...but He is asking me to be willing. It hurts to let go of something that I have dreamed of for so long. To somehow reconcile my heart with a real possibility that God may ask me to choose not to fulfill that desire, even if He does bring me a husband. It hurts... and it's ok that it hurts.
This morning as I was getting ready for church, I happened to look down at my hand and saw something I have never seen before, it was beautiful and confusing. The back of my hand had all these bright, white lights shining out of it, like the brightest pin-pricks of light actually shining out of my actual hand. Then my mind told me what it was; the tears in my eyes had caught the light and it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to appear as if they were shining.
God told me... "it works the same in the spirit too" Just like my tears altered my vision and, in that moment, I saw my hand in a way I've never seen it before... my brokenness can help me see things differently as well. I am not sure what all God is going to be teaching me through this... I can't even guess at how this will play out and how it will change me as I walk through it...but I can trust that it will be good. Because God is good... His plan for me is good and when I surrender my life to Him - His plans for me can more easily come to pass. And I can bank on the fact that His plans for me will bring me more joy than anything I could ever plan or dream up. But it still hurts.
Oh and the makeup thing... you know crying and mascara really don't go together. It's just not a good look. Thanks for the heads up, God.
Here is my disclaimer... I didn't want to share this. I wanted to play a game on my computer or watch a movie... and not think about all the unknown in my life right now, but God kept talking to me about making a blog post. So... here it is. This whole thing is very personal to me (obviously) and it's a bit difficult to share it like this. I just felt like I needed to say that.
Saturday, December 24, 2016
A Christmas miracle...
I have been waiting to be able to write this blog post!!! This one will probably get a bit emotional...I will probably cry...but I'm nothing if not real so...
When I came back to the US...I was hurting...and the hurting was getting worse, not better. So...after I got around to finding a doctor, she ordered an ultrasound... but then I needed second one... so all of this takes a few months and eventually I found out I had a cyst on my left ovary. But first...
A little bit of background... there are basically two types of ovarian cysts: simple and complex. The shortest description is that simple cysts usually resolve on their own but complex cysts usually require medication (which I cannot take due to a blood disorder I have been diagnosed with) or surgery. Both types of cysts cause discomfort and pain. Another bit of history...I already lost one ovary due to complex cysts... so this is the only one I have.
Now...I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - or PCOS - years ago...after I lost one ovary. PCOS causes multiple, simple cysts to form on the ovaries (or ovary in my case). I have become accustomed to the pain that is associated with cysts... so I knew going in for the ultrasound that I had a cyst. I prayed and asked God to cause that cyst to rupture (and heal me from PCOS...no more cysts!) before the ultrasound; so when I was finally sitting in the doctor's office for my results...I was surprised to hear that I had good-sized cyst on my ovary. And it was a complex cyst, the kind that doesn't really go away on it's own. And it had a septation...and nodules (btw... just a tip... don't ever google little bits of medical information like this after you leave the doctors office)
If you happened to read my post in October "Learning to trust" - it was about this. Just a short run-down on where I was with all this. I've had plenty of simple cysts...but never a complex cyst... on my left ovary. The only other time I had complex cysts...I lost my ovary. I was scared. I was concerned that I would lose my ovary... and I really want to be able to have children one day. When the doctor told me about the cyst; immediately all these thoughts started pelting my mind... I'll spare you from listing them individually, but they were all along these lines...
Will I lose my ovary like before?
Am I going to lose my ability to have children?
Why didn't God heal me?
Ever since I first prayed for healing from PCOS, every single time I have had an ultrasound - and I've had a lot of ultrasounds - I get so excited because I have asked God to bring back the right ovary that I lost. I get so excited every time I have an ultrasound because I think "this will be the time that the right ovary is there and the doctor will be surprised and I can share how I've prayed for God to bring it back." I have an expectation for that... I had an expectation for God to heal me of that cyst too...I knew it was going to happen... I just *knew* there would be no cyst when I went for that second ultrasoud. But there was.
Let's go back to me sitting in the doctor's office...with all these negative thoughts attacking my mind... I started crying. I had this moment of feeling so totally rejected (He didn't heal me...and it could be bad) and scared - and I took a breath and said "I trust you, God." When I left there, I was still crying; I texted a few friends, asking for prayer, and at the end I added "I trust that God has a plan for my life...and it's an amazing one...no matter how this goes". For the next two days I cried off and on, I told God I was scared, and I told Him "If I had a husband and kids right now, this wouldn't be such a difficult thing ya know" (He said He knew that) and I told God how unfair it would be...how vastly unfair it would be, after everything I have walked through, for me to not be able to have my own child because of a stupid cyst. (He didn't really need me to tell Him that either I guess)
None of that changed the fact that when I went for a follow up ultrasound...I had more cysts... and more pain... and more tears. I actually had a tough few days after that one. But every time I got scared... I went to God. I continued to remind myself of who He is and who He isn't. He is good, not bad...He loves me, He doesn't hate me...He is for me (completely), not against me... He is merciful...He does not ever set me up for failure. I reminded myself that God has the most amazing plan for my life... and if it includes biological children...then I will have them. If it doesn't...I won't. But God has promised me children. He never promised me that they would share my DNA...but He has promised me more children than I can even count. And God doesn't break His promises.
I had this moment...about 3 weeks ago... I was talking to God about...things...I can't remember what... and I had this moment where I looked back at some of the changes that have taken place in me during this struggle with the cyst. I was contemplating why God wouldn't have healed me, when I believed so strongly that He would...why would He allow me to walk away so broken...when I walked in feeling so sure of a report in my favor??? God told me, "I could have healed you when you first asked...but look what we would have missed out on" What WE would have missed out on...Him and me. My relationship with Him is stronger for having walked through this...my trust in Him is stronger because of it... and my awareness of who HE says I am is greater as a result. Something has shifted in me during this process...and it feels like a huge shift. I am not the same.
So here's the part I've been waiting to be able to share... waiting for months because I knew it would come one way or another... night before last I was hurting - which is not uncommon... I was at a Christmas party and towards the end I was wanting to leave because I had started hurting pretty bad. All I could think of was getting home to lay down..which usually helps the pain. That night it didn't help. I tried a heating pad...that made it worse, which is not typical at all. I took Tylenol... it didn't help. I was praying through this and I told God "if I am supposed to go to the ER, make the pain unbearable...otherwise I will wait until tomorrow and call the doctor" (I greatly dislike the ER...for many reasons) About 30 minutes later...I was on the way to the ER. I texted a friend....she didn't answer. I started to call...I felt God say no... I told God on the way to the ER "see...I should have a husband with me right now... I'm not supposed to go to the ER alone..." (just in case he forgot that I am past marrying age) He didn't need my reminder...He knew. Fast forward to me waiting for the test results... I'm praying... I'm hurting... and the thought comes again - I should have someone here with me... I shouldn't be alone. I reached for my phone, but again God said no. I had been praying this whole time...but in just one moment I had this idea to invite Jesus to be a stand in since no one was there with me. And, of course, He was glad to do this...since it's what He wanted me to do from the beginning :)
I was so comforted...and He even made me laugh in the midst of it all. He just sat and talked with me and brought me such peace. Shortly after... the doctor comes back and he says "We have the results of your ultrasound... there is no evidence of any cyst" I was surprised...and happy (to say the least) and said maybe the pain was from it rupturing. By this time, the shot (non-narcotic cause I was driving) had taken away most of the pain I was feeling and they discharged me with instruction to see a doctor for follow up.
Guys... I may never know why things happen the way they do... but I really think the reason for all the pain was just so that I could KNOW that something was happening...and then could have this amazing Christmas gift of knowing that the cysts (all of them) are gone!!! Even the complex one!
It truly is a miracle! I am thankful that I have a relationship with the God who creates life... I still don't know all that is in His plan for me... but I am still trusting. What I do know about it is that He has promised that it will be amazing...more wonderful than I can even imagine. I can't wait to see what He has in store!
When I came back to the US...I was hurting...and the hurting was getting worse, not better. So...after I got around to finding a doctor, she ordered an ultrasound... but then I needed second one... so all of this takes a few months and eventually I found out I had a cyst on my left ovary. But first...
A little bit of background... there are basically two types of ovarian cysts: simple and complex. The shortest description is that simple cysts usually resolve on their own but complex cysts usually require medication (which I cannot take due to a blood disorder I have been diagnosed with) or surgery. Both types of cysts cause discomfort and pain. Another bit of history...I already lost one ovary due to complex cysts... so this is the only one I have.
Now...I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - or PCOS - years ago...after I lost one ovary. PCOS causes multiple, simple cysts to form on the ovaries (or ovary in my case). I have become accustomed to the pain that is associated with cysts... so I knew going in for the ultrasound that I had a cyst. I prayed and asked God to cause that cyst to rupture (and heal me from PCOS...no more cysts!) before the ultrasound; so when I was finally sitting in the doctor's office for my results...I was surprised to hear that I had good-sized cyst on my ovary. And it was a complex cyst, the kind that doesn't really go away on it's own. And it had a septation...and nodules (btw... just a tip... don't ever google little bits of medical information like this after you leave the doctors office)
If you happened to read my post in October "Learning to trust" - it was about this. Just a short run-down on where I was with all this. I've had plenty of simple cysts...but never a complex cyst... on my left ovary. The only other time I had complex cysts...I lost my ovary. I was scared. I was concerned that I would lose my ovary... and I really want to be able to have children one day. When the doctor told me about the cyst; immediately all these thoughts started pelting my mind... I'll spare you from listing them individually, but they were all along these lines...
Will I lose my ovary like before?
Am I going to lose my ability to have children?
Why didn't God heal me?
Ever since I first prayed for healing from PCOS, every single time I have had an ultrasound - and I've had a lot of ultrasounds - I get so excited because I have asked God to bring back the right ovary that I lost. I get so excited every time I have an ultrasound because I think "this will be the time that the right ovary is there and the doctor will be surprised and I can share how I've prayed for God to bring it back." I have an expectation for that... I had an expectation for God to heal me of that cyst too...I knew it was going to happen... I just *knew* there would be no cyst when I went for that second ultrasoud. But there was.
Let's go back to me sitting in the doctor's office...with all these negative thoughts attacking my mind... I started crying. I had this moment of feeling so totally rejected (He didn't heal me...and it could be bad) and scared - and I took a breath and said "I trust you, God." When I left there, I was still crying; I texted a few friends, asking for prayer, and at the end I added "I trust that God has a plan for my life...and it's an amazing one...no matter how this goes". For the next two days I cried off and on, I told God I was scared, and I told Him "If I had a husband and kids right now, this wouldn't be such a difficult thing ya know" (He said He knew that) and I told God how unfair it would be...how vastly unfair it would be, after everything I have walked through, for me to not be able to have my own child because of a stupid cyst. (He didn't really need me to tell Him that either I guess)
None of that changed the fact that when I went for a follow up ultrasound...I had more cysts... and more pain... and more tears. I actually had a tough few days after that one. But every time I got scared... I went to God. I continued to remind myself of who He is and who He isn't. He is good, not bad...He loves me, He doesn't hate me...He is for me (completely), not against me... He is merciful...He does not ever set me up for failure. I reminded myself that God has the most amazing plan for my life... and if it includes biological children...then I will have them. If it doesn't...I won't. But God has promised me children. He never promised me that they would share my DNA...but He has promised me more children than I can even count. And God doesn't break His promises.
I had this moment...about 3 weeks ago... I was talking to God about...things...I can't remember what... and I had this moment where I looked back at some of the changes that have taken place in me during this struggle with the cyst. I was contemplating why God wouldn't have healed me, when I believed so strongly that He would...why would He allow me to walk away so broken...when I walked in feeling so sure of a report in my favor??? God told me, "I could have healed you when you first asked...but look what we would have missed out on" What WE would have missed out on...Him and me. My relationship with Him is stronger for having walked through this...my trust in Him is stronger because of it... and my awareness of who HE says I am is greater as a result. Something has shifted in me during this process...and it feels like a huge shift. I am not the same.
So here's the part I've been waiting to be able to share... waiting for months because I knew it would come one way or another... night before last I was hurting - which is not uncommon... I was at a Christmas party and towards the end I was wanting to leave because I had started hurting pretty bad. All I could think of was getting home to lay down..which usually helps the pain. That night it didn't help. I tried a heating pad...that made it worse, which is not typical at all. I took Tylenol... it didn't help. I was praying through this and I told God "if I am supposed to go to the ER, make the pain unbearable...otherwise I will wait until tomorrow and call the doctor" (I greatly dislike the ER...for many reasons) About 30 minutes later...I was on the way to the ER. I texted a friend....she didn't answer. I started to call...I felt God say no... I told God on the way to the ER "see...I should have a husband with me right now... I'm not supposed to go to the ER alone..." (just in case he forgot that I am past marrying age) He didn't need my reminder...He knew. Fast forward to me waiting for the test results... I'm praying... I'm hurting... and the thought comes again - I should have someone here with me... I shouldn't be alone. I reached for my phone, but again God said no. I had been praying this whole time...but in just one moment I had this idea to invite Jesus to be a stand in since no one was there with me. And, of course, He was glad to do this...since it's what He wanted me to do from the beginning :)
I was so comforted...and He even made me laugh in the midst of it all. He just sat and talked with me and brought me such peace. Shortly after... the doctor comes back and he says "We have the results of your ultrasound... there is no evidence of any cyst" I was surprised...and happy (to say the least) and said maybe the pain was from it rupturing. By this time, the shot (non-narcotic cause I was driving) had taken away most of the pain I was feeling and they discharged me with instruction to see a doctor for follow up.
Guys... I may never know why things happen the way they do... but I really think the reason for all the pain was just so that I could KNOW that something was happening...and then could have this amazing Christmas gift of knowing that the cysts (all of them) are gone!!! Even the complex one!
It truly is a miracle! I am thankful that I have a relationship with the God who creates life... I still don't know all that is in His plan for me... but I am still trusting. What I do know about it is that He has promised that it will be amazing...more wonderful than I can even imagine. I can't wait to see what He has in store!
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Learning to trust...
Recently God began asking me "Do you trust me?". This question has come in a few circumstances and my answer has been "No...not really." So when that question started coming, and I searched my heart and came back with the honest answer that maybe I don't fully trust God to provide the very best (even though the road to "the very best" is sometimes - dare I say often - painful) I began asking "God, help me to trust you more...no not more...help me to trust you completely!"
Have you ever heard the expression "Be careful what you pray for"? Well...this past week I got some less than desirable news. Wait...let me be honest...it didn't feel less than desirable... it felt devastating. I immediately entered a zone where I had two choices... I could either trust God or give in to hopelessness. Guess what happened? I was actually surprised at myself...I won't lie. My trust in God far outweighed the hopelessness. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at that...but I am. Even a couple of years ago, I think even one year ago, I would have handled this situation in a completely different way.
Don't get me wrong...there were tears, and if I spend much time thinking of the possible negative outcome...there are still tears. There was fear...but God didn't put His Spirit within me so that I can live in fear...so I knew I had to fight against that fear and not give it a place...easier said than done by the way...especially when fear has only recently been evicted from the it's dark hiding place in my heart. But overwhelmingly...my mind has remained focused on God's goodness and His ability to create the most spectacular miracles.
So today I thought of something. Maybe...my answer of "No, not really" came from a place of being unaware. If you were to ask me "Can you pick up a 50 lb weight and carry it across the room" I would probably say "I think so" Because I know, based on past experience, how much weight I can safely lift and carry. But I won't really know if I am able...until I try. I can lift and carry a 50 lb toddler...but I might find it to be a bit different picking up a 50 lb weight. It's in the process of doing it that I learn for sure if I am able.
So, here I am, in the process (which I am starting to think of as "faith lifting" you know...like weight lifting...get it???) and you know what I am learning? My faith is stronger than I thought. I'm actually looking at this situation and, with complete honesty, saying "God, no matter how this turns out, I trust that you have a spectacular plan for my life". Every now and then I am surprised all over again with the peace and comfort that I feel in the midst of something that could have me crying on the floor in fear and helplessness. Only because of the Holy Spirit am I able to have this comfort and peace...only because of His strength in me am I able to rest in this faith. It's really quite amazing.
I still sort of consider myself to be a "baby Christian" (although I prefer the term "friends with Jesus" over Christian) and in these moments I am left in awe of the way that God is gifting me with peace in the storm. A peace that I have done nothing to deserve or create and cannot, in any way, sustain without Him. I am, once again, blown away because His love and provision are so amazing. He is good...even when life doesn't seem that good.
p.s. I want to share a couple of the verses that really help me through difficult moments. If I begin to feel discouraged or fearful...these are two of the top verses that I draw comfort from.
Isaiah 46:10
Only I (God) can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, I do whatever I wish
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I (God) will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Have you ever heard the expression "Be careful what you pray for"? Well...this past week I got some less than desirable news. Wait...let me be honest...it didn't feel less than desirable... it felt devastating. I immediately entered a zone where I had two choices... I could either trust God or give in to hopelessness. Guess what happened? I was actually surprised at myself...I won't lie. My trust in God far outweighed the hopelessness. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at that...but I am. Even a couple of years ago, I think even one year ago, I would have handled this situation in a completely different way.
Don't get me wrong...there were tears, and if I spend much time thinking of the possible negative outcome...there are still tears. There was fear...but God didn't put His Spirit within me so that I can live in fear...so I knew I had to fight against that fear and not give it a place...easier said than done by the way...especially when fear has only recently been evicted from the it's dark hiding place in my heart. But overwhelmingly...my mind has remained focused on God's goodness and His ability to create the most spectacular miracles.
So today I thought of something. Maybe...my answer of "No, not really" came from a place of being unaware. If you were to ask me "Can you pick up a 50 lb weight and carry it across the room" I would probably say "I think so" Because I know, based on past experience, how much weight I can safely lift and carry. But I won't really know if I am able...until I try. I can lift and carry a 50 lb toddler...but I might find it to be a bit different picking up a 50 lb weight. It's in the process of doing it that I learn for sure if I am able.
So, here I am, in the process (which I am starting to think of as "faith lifting" you know...like weight lifting...get it???) and you know what I am learning? My faith is stronger than I thought. I'm actually looking at this situation and, with complete honesty, saying "God, no matter how this turns out, I trust that you have a spectacular plan for my life". Every now and then I am surprised all over again with the peace and comfort that I feel in the midst of something that could have me crying on the floor in fear and helplessness. Only because of the Holy Spirit am I able to have this comfort and peace...only because of His strength in me am I able to rest in this faith. It's really quite amazing.
I still sort of consider myself to be a "baby Christian" (although I prefer the term "friends with Jesus" over Christian) and in these moments I am left in awe of the way that God is gifting me with peace in the storm. A peace that I have done nothing to deserve or create and cannot, in any way, sustain without Him. I am, once again, blown away because His love and provision are so amazing. He is good...even when life doesn't seem that good.
p.s. I want to share a couple of the verses that really help me through difficult moments. If I begin to feel discouraged or fearful...these are two of the top verses that I draw comfort from.
Isaiah 46:10
Only I (God) can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, I do whatever I wish
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I (God) will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
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