Another birthday...

Last night I was simply walking down the hall and had the thought "tomorrow is my birthday"... immediately I started crying.  There's a lot going on right now... and emotionally... I was tired.  I've cried so much over the past several days that my face now burns immediately when tears touch my cheeks, and let's not talk about how my eyes have been feeling  :/

I took my tears to my room and started listening to a song that my friend suggested.  Then I started sobbing... I had asked Jesus to just please comfort me... and he is always happy to comply with a request like that... so I was just crying with Jesus and telling him how I felt.  Seriously guys... there is a lot going on in my life right now - I think a lot of us are in that place.  I have really been asking God to help me as I process through these things... because, for real, I have no idea how to walk through them... so anyway...

...in the middle of the next song - it's like I almost heard an audible whisper in my ear.  God... being the good daddy that he is... just whispered in my ear "if you could see what I see... you would be laughing right now instead of crying".  Just a whisper, that's all.  And in a moment... I was laughing.  Laughing and still crying... and then just laughing.  It's like, in that moment, he just filled me with so much joy. 

Then this morning I was talking to God - I've shared a bit of how I used to really dislike my birthday and I was repenting for the times I have cursed the day of my birth and thanking him for my life, my freedom, his love... a short while after that God started talking to me about my age.  I am 37 today and God was asking me what numbers can divide into 37.  I was like... none, it's a prime number.  So that rolled around in my head a little and I asked why did he point that out... He said just like 37 is a unique number to itself... that it can't be divided by other numbers... this is a unique year for me.  That unique things will happen this year like no other year before. 

I love getting a prophetic word from someone... but I really love getting a word directly from God, and that's a good word!  :)

This has been such a special day... and I have great expectations for the year to come.  I don't know what the next year will bring... it could bring more struggles, it could bring new levels of joy... but the one thing I do know is that I can trust God will be with me through all of it.

It's gonna be a good year y'all!

A Christmas miracle...

I have been waiting to be able to write this blog post!!!  This one will probably get a bit emotional...I will probably cry...but I'm nothing if not real so...

When I came back to the US...I was hurting...and the hurting was getting worse, not better.  So...after I got around to finding a doctor, she ordered an ultrasound... but then I needed second one... so all of this takes a few months and eventually I found out I had a cyst on my left ovary.  But first... 

A little bit of background... there are basically two types of ovarian cysts: simple and complex.  The shortest description is that simple cysts usually resolve on their own but complex cysts usually require medication (which I cannot take due to a blood disorder I have been diagnosed with) or surgery.  Both types of cysts cause discomfort and pain.  Another bit of history...I already lost one ovary due to complex cysts... so this is the only one I have.

Now...I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - or PCOS -  years ago...after I lost one ovary.  PCOS causes multiple, simple cysts to form on the ovaries (or ovary in my case).  I have become accustomed to the pain that is associated with cysts... so I knew going in for the ultrasound that I had a cyst.  I prayed and asked God to cause that cyst to rupture (and heal me from  PCOS...no more cysts!) before the ultrasound; so when I was finally sitting in the doctor's office for my results...I was surprised to hear that I had good-sized cyst on my ovary.  And it was a complex cyst, the kind that doesn't really go away on it's own.  And it had a septation...and nodules (btw... just a tip... don't ever google little bits of medical information like this after you leave the doctors office)

If you happened to read my post in October "Learning to trust" - it was about this. Just a short run-down on where I was with all this.  I've had plenty of simple cysts...but never a complex cyst... on my left ovary.  The only other time I had complex cysts...I lost my ovary.  I was scared.  I was concerned that I would lose my ovary... and I really want to be able to have children one day.  When the doctor told me about the cyst; immediately all these thoughts started pelting my mind... I'll spare you from listing them individually, but they were all along these lines...
Will I lose my ovary like before?
Am I going to lose my ability to have children?
Why didn't God heal me?

Ever since I first prayed for healing from PCOS, every single time I have had an ultrasound - and I've had a lot of ultrasounds - I get so excited because I have asked God to bring back the right ovary that I lost.  I get so excited every time I have an ultrasound because I think "this will be the time that the right ovary is there and the doctor will be surprised and I can share how I've prayed for God to bring it back."  I have an expectation for that... I had an expectation for God to heal me of that cyst too...I knew it was going to happen... I just *knew* there would be no cyst when I went for that second ultrasoud.  But there was.

Let's go back to me sitting in the doctor's office...with all these negative thoughts attacking my mind... I started crying.  I had this moment of feeling so totally rejected (He didn't heal me...and it could be bad) and scared - and I took a breath and said "I trust you, God."  When I left there, I was still crying; I texted a few friends, asking for prayer, and at the end I added "I trust that God has a plan for my life...and it's an amazing one...no matter how this goes".  For the next two days I cried off and on, I told God I was scared, and I told Him "If I had a husband and kids right now, this wouldn't be such a difficult thing ya know"  (He said He knew that) and I told God how unfair it would be...how vastly unfair it would be, after everything I have walked through, for me to not be able to have my own child because of a stupid cyst.  (He didn't really need me to tell Him that either I guess)

None of that changed the fact that when I went for a follow up ultrasound...I had more cysts... and more pain... and more tears.  I actually had a tough few days after that one.  But every time I got scared... I went to God.  I continued to remind myself of who He is and who He isn't.  He is good, not bad...He loves me, He doesn't hate me...He is for me (completely), not against me... He is merciful...He does not ever set me up for failure.  I reminded myself that God has the most amazing plan for my life... and if it includes biological children...then I will have them.  If it doesn't...I won't.  But God has promised me children.  He never promised me that they would share my DNA...but He has promised me more children than I can even count.  And God doesn't break His promises.

I had this moment...about 3 weeks ago... I was talking to God about...things...I can't remember what... and I had this moment where I looked back at some of the changes that have taken place in me during this struggle with the cyst.  I was contemplating why God wouldn't have healed me, when I believed so strongly that He would...why would He allow me to walk away so broken...when I walked in feeling so sure of a report in my favor???  God told me, "I could have healed you when you first asked...but look what we would have missed out on"  What WE would have missed out on...Him and me.  My relationship with Him is stronger for having walked through this...my trust in Him is stronger because of it... and my awareness of who HE says I am is greater as a result.  Something has shifted in me during this process...and it feels like a huge shift.  I am not the same.

So here's the part I've been waiting to be able to share... waiting for months because I knew it would come one way or another... night before last I was hurting - which is not uncommon... I was at a Christmas party and towards the end I was wanting to leave because I had started hurting pretty bad.  All I could think of was getting home to lay down..which usually helps the pain.  That night it didn't help.  I tried a heating pad...that made it worse, which is not typical at all.  I took Tylenol... it didn't help.  I was praying through this and I told God "if I am supposed to go to the ER, make the pain unbearable...otherwise I will wait until tomorrow and call the doctor"  (I greatly dislike the ER...for many reasons)  About 30 minutes later...I was on the way to the ER.  I texted a friend....she didn't answer.  I started to call...I felt God say no...  I told God on the way to the ER "see...I should have a husband with me right now... I'm not supposed to go to the ER alone..."  (just in case he forgot that I am past marrying age)  He didn't need my reminder...He knew.  Fast forward to me waiting for the test results... I'm praying... I'm hurting... and the thought comes again - I should have someone here with me... I shouldn't be alone.  I reached for my phone, but again God said no.  I had been praying this whole time...but in just one moment I had this idea to invite Jesus to be a stand in since no one was there with me.  And, of course, He was glad to do this...since it's what He wanted me to do from the beginning  :)

I was so comforted...and He even made me laugh in the midst of it all.  He just sat and talked with me and brought me such peace.  Shortly after... the doctor comes back and he says "We have the results of your ultrasound... there is no evidence of any cyst"  I was surprised...and happy (to say the least) and said maybe the pain was from it rupturing.  By this time, the shot (non-narcotic cause I was driving) had taken away most of the pain I was feeling and they discharged me with instruction to see a doctor for follow up. 

Guys... I may never know why things happen the way they do... but I really think the reason for all the pain was just so that I could KNOW that something was happening...and then could have this amazing Christmas gift of knowing that the cysts (all of them) are gone!!!  Even the complex one!

It truly is a miracle!  I am thankful that I have a relationship with the God who creates life... I still don't know all that is in His plan for me... but I am still trusting.  What I do know about it is that He has promised that it will be amazing...more wonderful than I can even imagine.  I can't wait to see what He has in store! 

Change...

This may be a weird post…just to give you a heads up.  I’ve never really discussed it with people, but I assume we all know what it’s like to be comforted by a smell…or the opposite.  So…I’ll assume that this won’t seem toooo crazy…  and if it does…then you probably know me well enough to just look past that :)  

Sometimes the weirdest things make me emotional…last night I was getting into bed to finally go to sleep (ok…it was actually this morning around 4 am) and when I inhaled…the smell of my pillows and sheets was familiar and comforting.  That was the first time this has happened since moving…and it made me cry. 

You know how, when you sleep in a hotel or in an unfamiliar place, the bed just doesn’t smell like yours (or feel like yours) and you notice it?  Well I notice a lot…but where I lay my head at night has always been a sensitive issue for me.  I do not (in all caps) like to sleep in any bed but my own and I typically have a very difficult time sleeping in a new place.   God has definitely helped me in that area during this transition…but for the first 2-3 weeks I would get into bed and my first thought would be that this didn’t smell like my bed.  The couple of weeks after that I guess I kind of forgot about that…as I got used to this new bed…but last night was the first time that this smelled like “my bed” and it brought some emotions up.

I haven’t really felt “homesick” through all this…maybe it’s coming but just hasn’t reached me yet.  I don’t know.  I have missed specific people…I have looked forward to talking to them…well – I guess if I think back to the time that I didn’t have internet and was unable to communicate with the ones I am closest to back home…that was difficult at times and I did have some sadness towards the end of those two weeks.  But something happened when I realized that my bed smelled like “home” – all the sudden I was overcome with emotion and I started crying.  Why? 

I don’t know, I don’t understand it.  I wish I could understand all the wonderful (and sometimes terrifying) things that our brains do…and why things make me feel the way they do.  All I know is I suddenly felt almost…guilty…that I haven’t missed home more.  It was weird.  But there was also an excitement with it…and a joy!  Because even though this has felt like home from the start, it is really beginning to be home in those small ways that only the subconscious really notices.  Like in the fact that my bed smells like…my bed.  I would like to add a disclaimer here…it’s not because my sheets aren’t washed.  We have a house mama, her name is Flora and she is amazing and so sweet and she washes my sheets every Monday. :)

And…like everything else…it has my mind thinking of deeper things.  (I’m just a super-duper deep person ya know)  Like how life changes all around us and sometimes we don’t even notice until all the small changes add up into a big life altering change…and how that can happen in good ways or bad.  I have lately (in the past year) experienced several of those “moments” where I look around and realize that all these little changes…mostly ones that I was consciously trying to make…have resulted in a big change.  That feeling of being at the edge of something big…and knowing that my life is changing forever and I am being a part of making that happen...instead of just watching it happen.  That is a good feeling, and I can think of at least three times over the past year that I have had that feeling…and I could see my life changing like a tapestry being woven and the pattern being altered in the middle. 

Then there is another feeling, just as amazing…but the feeling of a huge change coming that you know God is bringing…but you don’t know what it is…you just know that you are walking with God and as a result of having given him your life…you will partner with him in whatever change is coming your way.  I have felt that one twice over the past year…and the last one brought me here to where I am sitting now…in a living room in Tanzania.  With the windows open and a fan going, and a cup of tea with milk (which I love now…that’s a small change) hearing all the outside sounds and feeling the breeze getting cooler with every passing hour. 

I am so thankful in this moment for all the changes…big and small…that have brought my life forward out of some very dark places.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to partner with my father in heaven and make decisions about my life…thankful that I know I can rely on him for all my needs, even the ones I don’t know about.  I am just so very thankful for the life that I have and the chance to be living life right now!  I think, sometimes, that because of the darkness that used to envelope my life…the light seems so much brighter.   Life is definitely bright…and I’m loving it!!! 
 

And all this started with my sheets smelling like home :)  love how the brain works ;)