Feels like home...

Well...I've been in the US for a week now!

All at once it seems like I just got here...and like I've been here for a lot longer than a week.

Last summer was my first visit back to the US after living in Tanzania... I arrived here knowing the date I would return to Tanzania and what I would be doing when I returned there.

This summer... I don't know.  I don't have a date for when I will return.  That is sort of up to God.  I'm pretty certain of what I will be doing when I return...but even that is not 100% sure.  I don't know where I will be living... or even where I will stay while I find my own home.

There are a lot of unknowns, but I won't get into all that right now.  What I'm thinking of with this post is the strange feeling of having two places that feel like home.

I have lived in Tanzania for the past two years and from the moment I arrived there it has felt quite like home to me.  When I leave there...I feel I am leaving my home.  I miss my friends and family and remind myself I will see them soon.

I have spent most of my life living in Louisiana...considerably longer than the amount of time I have spent in Tanzania...and coming here, well... it feels like coming home.  I am excited to see the friends and family I have been missing for so long!  It's sort of an odd place to be in...I am leaving home...to come home.

The thing that makes Tanzania home...is the people.  The wonderful friends and family that I have there that make me feel loved and welcome and let me know they are happy for me to be there.

The thing that makes Louisiana home...is the people.  :)  For the same... exact... reason!   

You know what that tells me?  It tells me that it's possible to have a lot more than two places that feel like home  :)   I think that's pretty awesome!

The end of this chapter...

About 10 months ago...I had just arrived in Tanzania and I was sitting down to try and create this blog.  I couldn't think of a name for it and I was asking God to give me one.  Naming my blog felt like a big deal to me and I wanted the name to mean something.  I was drinking out of a coffee cup and was just sitting staring at it and reading the verse on it over and over and...that's where the name of my blog came from.

Isaiah 43:1
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

I love this verse - it reminds me of some very important facts.
1) God has redeemed me completely
2) He has summoned me, by name...me - specifically
3) I belong to him and he loves me!

That verse has special meaning to me now :)  But, I'll be honest... I never remembered the "address" of the verse.  I forgot that it was in Isaiah for sure... I only remembered what it meant to me.

But then about a week and half ago I was talking to God and I asked him for a verse.  All I got was 432... so I looked at page 432 of my Bible.  That wasn't it.  But I know that 432 was right... So I just started looking at each book of the Bible...4th chapter...and looking for verse 32.  Nothing... so I started looking at chapter 43, verse 2.  As soon as I got to Isaiah 43:2... I knew I'd found it.



Isaiah 43:2
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fires of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

So I took a picture with my phone, so that I could read this verse any time - even when I wasn't at home with my Bible. I've read it, I don't know how many times... and yesterday I decided I wanted to find an image to set as the lock screen on my phone.  So I started searching online and one of the first images that came up had Isaiah 43:1-2 on it.  Until that moment...I had no clue that the verse I had been looking at for over a week was the continuation of the one that God had given me almost a year ago.

I am still mulling over the fact that God gave me a verse when I first arrived here, and then gave me the continuation of it right before I am leaving for the U.S.  It is a reminder for me of those three facts contained in verse 1...and a reminder for me that God is always thinking of me.

It feels sort of like those verses are the first and last pages of a chapter... so much has happened between those two verses...those two pages.  This chapter is so full!  My life has been changed forever; I have been changed forever.

I can't wait to see how the next year unfolds!  God is good :)

eternity in my heart...

Tonight I opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes and started reading at chapter 2.  I stopped at Ecclesiastes 3:11 - "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."


I have read the "He has made all things beautiful in it's time" part many times, in many places - I even used to have a little decorative plate with that on it.  A friend gave it to me and I was sad to part with it when I came to Tanzania.  I have referred to that portion of this verse many times in the past several years.  God has truly transformed some ugly things in my life into beautiful things, and I am so thankful!


That second part though... I've read it before, but tonight it's blowing my mind.  "He has planted eternity in the human heart"  that means He has planted eternity in my heart.  And what, exactly, does that mean?  In my mind, at this moment, it means that he has put everything in my heart.  Everything that I need to know, everything that I need to know him... everything that I need to walk out His plan for my life.  He has put everything from beginning to end...in my heart.  That's huge!  That is crazy...

Then the last of it... "but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end"  that part... God has all these amazing plans... for my life, for your life, for my neighbors life, for the lives of the precious children that I teach at school, for the lives of those two little babies that I held this Sunday at church; but no matter how hard I try I will never understand or be able to see any more than just a tiny glimpse of any of it.

I told someone tonight "I just wish I could see the future right now".  Many times it seems as if life would be so much easier if I could just see what will happen next week, next month, next year!  But we all know that's not how it works.

I am so thankful that God knows what my future holds.  I am thankful that He has a very detailed plan for all of my tomorrows, and all I have to do is hold His hand and follow His lead.  I am beyond thankful that He has created so much beauty in my life and continues to create more.  He has planted eternity in my heart... now I want to figure out how to properly tend it.  How can I best grab hold of what has been placed in my heart and use that to bring my life into greater alignment with the plans that my Father has for my life?

So it's my birthday...

Today is my birthday.  I have had such a wonderful day, completely filled with friends loving on me and spending time with me.  (Quality time is for sure one of my main love languages)

During this day...I have been filled with joy and thankfulness.  But...my birthday used to be one my least favorite days of the year.  I used to dread birthdays and the time leading up to my birthday is still a painful time for me.

But today...as I thanked God for the fact that I am alive...I actually thanked him for the fact that I was born.  I have never in my life expressed gratitude for that - and today those words just came out when I was thanking God for this day. 

In the past, I routinely questioned God's judgement in regards to my birth.  I believed that God had either made a mistake, or had nothing to do with my creation at all.  I used to say that I wished I had never been born...that I hadn't lived.  And today for the first time I actually thanked God that I was born.

My life used to mean nothing to me...I wanted to throw it away.  I had chosen to end my life at one point because I was tired of the pain that I lived in every day.  I believed that my life had no value or worth and birthdays only served to remind me that...had I never been born, I wouldn't have had to live with the memory of so many painful experiences. 

So...I just wanted to take a few minutes to share the fact that my life has been drastically changed...to the point that I am so thankful that I am still alive.  Thankful that God saved me...thankful that I was born!!!  God can redeem anything, even the most unfair things.  He can heal the deepest wounds and make what seems like a worthless life into something amazing and wonderful.  Because of what God has done in my life, I know that he is capable of all things.  He can bring life where there is death, and turn the darkness to light!

I am thankful that God created me, that he saved me...and that he LOVES me!

A little more...

I posted on Facebook the other day about missing home.  I felt like God wanted me to share a little more about that.  I post the happy, fun things…but not all the tears.  And I don’t think God necessarily wants me to post *all* the tears – but I did feel like, with this, he is telling me to share a little more.  I was really struggling emotionally over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I cried…a lot.  My eyes were sore from all the crying, and my heart ached.  You know that pain that you have in your heart when you are grieving…that is what I was feeling.  I was just feeling like I would give anything to be able to hug some people…to be able to stay up late talking and watching a movie and laughing…and I would still love to do those things. 

But…someone emailed me saying they were praying for me (I always appreciate that) and when I was writing the reply…I started writing about how I know that this is where God wants me right now.  How I know in my heart that I am walking out the plan that he has for my life at this time.  I was also sharing how I believe, more than ever, that God has plans for me here long term…that it’s not just for these 10 months but for much longer…and how that is exciting and a bit overwhelming all at the same time.  The point I am getting to is this: as I wrote that reply…I was being reminded of the things that God has spoken to me and the promises that he has shown me in my life and I felt this renewed sense of purpose.  The pain I was feeling faded away and was replaced with this surge of joy and excitement and wonder over what God has done in my life and where he has brought me.  I know I have mentioned so many times how God has changed my life, but if you could see how my life used to be and compared to what it is now…it is more than amazing to me.  But that’s another story…

So…while I am still very much missing some people and would be so thrilled to be able to see them…I also could not be happier than I am right now.  I think that the grieving process is normal, and a part of any life change this big.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with the emotions I have been feeling.   I think I have shared a little before that I have struggled with this idea in my mind that if I had a good enough relationship with God then I wouldn’t have “negative” emotions…only good ones.  I am learning from this to drop even more of my religious ideas (that I don’t’ even realize are there most of the time) that if I’m doing this “Christian thing” right…I won’t feel sad or down or lonely or have that awful ache in my heart. 

Life is an amazing adventure as long as you are breathing…I had this same view of life before I moved halfway across the globe.  I am so thankful that I get to experience this adventure with the joy that only God can provide…and I am thankful that he is there to comfort me when my heart hurts.  I am thankful that he is helping me to let go of the things that have gotten in the way of me having a deeper relationship with him.  :)

Changes...

I’m sitting here tonight listening to some music and basically kind of relaxing and a song on my playlist brought me back to the mission trip I went on in June of this year.  Suddenly I became very emotional…remembering that trip and the profoundly life changing things that came from it.  Most profound: God showed me some things that changed the way that I look at myself and gave me a new confidence in him. 

I am remembering some of the people I met and prayed with, one girl in particular, and my heart is touched.  I am remembering how moved I was by meeting this one young girl and praying with her regarding the situation she is in right now…a situation I walked through at her age.  But, that’s not really the point of this…

I remember a conversation that I had with Lezley (who was leading the trip along with her husband John) the night I prayed with this young girl…and towards the end of the conversation I told her how I felt like my life was on the verge of some huge changes…I told her I felt like I would be moving, but I didn’t know where.  I think I may have said that it felt like it would be a big move, like maybe to another state or something (haha).  I told her that I felt like I was standing at the edge of this huge cliff and God was telling me to jump and I was so ready to jump even though I had no clue what was waiting when I landed…or rather when he caught me :)

I just made the comment last night that music is powerful – and here it is.  This one song – which, by the way, is a song that I heard for the first time in John and Lezley’s van during the trip – took me back to that trip and all these memories began replaying and reminded me about that excitement I had about the mysterious changes I felt were coming.  And now here I am…not in another state, but another country – thousands of miles away; some of those changes no longer a mystery :)

God is still changing my life in some huge ways (I still feel some big changes coming...and they are still a mystery) but just here lately I have had some sadness over some things – and God is using this experience tonight to remind me of how suddenly and surprisingly he can make a thing happen…when I am following his plan for my life.  Here is one promise I can stand on forever…as long as I am following him and seeking *his* plan for my life…I will have no shortage of joy!  :)   What an amazing few months this has been…simply amazing. 

1,000 words...

I want to just share some random pictures that I have taken since being here in Tanzania!!!  I promised a post with pictures…and here it is!   :)

This is Banana Stew – we had this for lunch one day at school and at first I was a little wary.  Who puts bananas in stew?  But it’s good!  These bananas are probably more like plantains, it wasn’t sweet at all…it was sort of like a potato.

Here is Settie (she has rice on her nose from dinner) our faithful guard dog!  She relentlessly prowls the yard, keeping an eye out for *any* suspicious creatures, big or small.  She is really sweet though and is always eager for a pat on the head (which I will gladly give her if I am headed *in* to the house and can wash my hands)  :)  every now and then she will forget that she’s an outside dog and try to come in the house.

These little dried fish go in with rice and beans to make Settie’s meals.  They smell like…fish…little dried fish…and she loves them.  It’s kind of entertaining to see her delicately picking the fish out of her dinner.

This cool looking bug tried to dive bomb into my hair while I was sitting at the picnic tables at school…but slammed into the table instead.  I snapped a few pictures while he recovered.  He was big and loud!  I heard his buzzing as he flew in and moved just in time.

An adorable little lizard baby snuck in the house (shhh…don’t tell Settie) and tried to make a home in my yarn.  I caught him and placed him (gently…don’t call peta) outside…well I actually tricked him into running into a cup and then placed the cup (gently) outside.  I tried to explain to him that I was helping him out…but he wouldn’t exit the cup.  So the cup stayed on my window sill lol

We pasteurized our own cow’s milk!   

I was nervous at first because I was afraid 

I would ruin it or boil it too long…but It 

was fairly easy.  Fresh cow’s milk is cheaper 

here than the boxed milk and most certainly 

tastes better.  It actually tastes better than 

any milk I’ve had before. 

 

This is one the amazing avacados 

we have had here – they are huge!   

They are also pretty cheap.

about 1,000 shillings each, 

which is about 75 cents US.   

Aaaaannnnddddd 

the homemade tortilla chips 

that to go with the guacamole 

that came from the avocado!!!   

This was my first time making 

my own tortillas!!!  Woohoo :)

When we walked out of the hospital (where I had my broken tooth fixed) there is this drop off into a ravine that was covered with trees…it looked like a sea of green leaves.  This picture doesn’t really show it – but this view is looking over that ravine and across to a hill or part of the mountain.  The hospital was up the mountain a bit so there were some amazing views on the drive up…so breathtaking.

I will end with this picture!  This was exciting!!!  Getting my residence permit :)  It came so fast!!!  There are people here who applied a year ago and just now got theirs…I got mine in a few weeks.  I was so excited to get my passport back with the stamp in it!  It’s official...passport stamp and all!!

Change...

This may be a weird post…just to give you a heads up.  I’ve never really discussed it with people, but I assume we all know what it’s like to be comforted by a smell…or the opposite.  So…I’ll assume that this won’t seem toooo crazy…  and if it does…then you probably know me well enough to just look past that :)  

Sometimes the weirdest things make me emotional…last night I was getting into bed to finally go to sleep (ok…it was actually this morning around 4 am) and when I inhaled…the smell of my pillows and sheets was familiar and comforting.  That was the first time this has happened since moving…and it made me cry. 

You know how, when you sleep in a hotel or in an unfamiliar place, the bed just doesn’t smell like yours (or feel like yours) and you notice it?  Well I notice a lot…but where I lay my head at night has always been a sensitive issue for me.  I do not (in all caps) like to sleep in any bed but my own and I typically have a very difficult time sleeping in a new place.   God has definitely helped me in that area during this transition…but for the first 2-3 weeks I would get into bed and my first thought would be that this didn’t smell like my bed.  The couple of weeks after that I guess I kind of forgot about that…as I got used to this new bed…but last night was the first time that this smelled like “my bed” and it brought some emotions up.

I haven’t really felt “homesick” through all this…maybe it’s coming but just hasn’t reached me yet.  I don’t know.  I have missed specific people…I have looked forward to talking to them…well – I guess if I think back to the time that I didn’t have internet and was unable to communicate with the ones I am closest to back home…that was difficult at times and I did have some sadness towards the end of those two weeks.  But something happened when I realized that my bed smelled like “home” – all the sudden I was overcome with emotion and I started crying.  Why? 

I don’t know, I don’t understand it.  I wish I could understand all the wonderful (and sometimes terrifying) things that our brains do…and why things make me feel the way they do.  All I know is I suddenly felt almost…guilty…that I haven’t missed home more.  It was weird.  But there was also an excitement with it…and a joy!  Because even though this has felt like home from the start, it is really beginning to be home in those small ways that only the subconscious really notices.  Like in the fact that my bed smells like…my bed.  I would like to add a disclaimer here…it’s not because my sheets aren’t washed.  We have a house mama, her name is Flora and she is amazing and so sweet and she washes my sheets every Monday. :)

And…like everything else…it has my mind thinking of deeper things.  (I’m just a super-duper deep person ya know)  Like how life changes all around us and sometimes we don’t even notice until all the small changes add up into a big life altering change…and how that can happen in good ways or bad.  I have lately (in the past year) experienced several of those “moments” where I look around and realize that all these little changes…mostly ones that I was consciously trying to make…have resulted in a big change.  That feeling of being at the edge of something big…and knowing that my life is changing forever and I am being a part of making that happen...instead of just watching it happen.  That is a good feeling, and I can think of at least three times over the past year that I have had that feeling…and I could see my life changing like a tapestry being woven and the pattern being altered in the middle. 

Then there is another feeling, just as amazing…but the feeling of a huge change coming that you know God is bringing…but you don’t know what it is…you just know that you are walking with God and as a result of having given him your life…you will partner with him in whatever change is coming your way.  I have felt that one twice over the past year…and the last one brought me here to where I am sitting now…in a living room in Tanzania.  With the windows open and a fan going, and a cup of tea with milk (which I love now…that’s a small change) hearing all the outside sounds and feeling the breeze getting cooler with every passing hour. 

I am so thankful in this moment for all the changes…big and small…that have brought my life forward out of some very dark places.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to partner with my father in heaven and make decisions about my life…thankful that I know I can rely on him for all my needs, even the ones I don’t know about.  I am just so very thankful for the life that I have and the chance to be living life right now!  I think, sometimes, that because of the darkness that used to envelope my life…the light seems so much brighter.   Life is definitely bright…and I’m loving it!!! 
 

And all this started with my sheets smelling like home :)  love how the brain works ;)