Grieving...

I am being reminded today that grieving is a process.  That even if years have passed, and you are usually “ok” (better than ok…great…amazing!) something can happen and trigger that thing deep inside you...  Every time this happens for me, I come out of it with more healing than I previously had…but I wonder (just me being honest) if there aren’t some things that will always carry a certain amount of pain with it?  Like…if you lose a child …will there ever be a time when there is no more pain attached to that?

I believe God is capable of anything…all things…and I believe (know…not believe…know) that he is in the business of restoring and repairing anyone who is broken (which is all of us in one way or another).  Even on days like this where my heart just feels sad and I cry easily, I am thankful beyond words for the way he has transformed my life and made me into a new person.

Part of my problem in this area is I don’t want to sit with this feeling, I want to do other things.  I want to be happy so I push away feelings that make me sad…and I am (just recently) having this learning experience where I really feel that God is showing me that sometimes…you just need to experience these feelings and allow him to comfort you.  As much as I don’t want to experience sad feelings – they are real…and the more I push them away, the longer it will take to receive complete healing in that area. 

I have also struggled with the feeling that…if I really trust God…I won’t be sad about things that have happened in the past.  But…I am seeing that more and more for the lie that it is.  Really…that’s just me wanting to have a really good “christian” reason for not feeling difficult feelings.  Now…I don’t believe that God created me to be sad – I believe that he created me to have a joyful life and a fulfilling relationship with him, but I also don’t believe that God wants me to just pretend that certain feelings don’t exist…which is what I’ve had a lot of practice doing…and I still have to overcome. 

So I am reminding myself today that even if my eyes are puffy from crying, I am thankful.  I am thankful for so many things that I can’t list them all here.  God is amazing.