Last night I was simply walking down the hall and had the thought "tomorrow is my birthday"... immediately I started crying. There's a lot going on right now... and emotionally... I was tired. I've cried so much over the past several days that my face now burns immediately when tears touch my cheeks, and let's not talk about how my eyes have been feeling :/
I took my tears to my room and started listening to a song that my friend suggested. Then I started sobbing... I had asked Jesus to just please comfort me... and he is always happy to comply with a request like that... so I was just crying with Jesus and telling him how I felt. Seriously guys... there is a lot going on in my life right now - I think a lot of us are in that place. I have really been asking God to help me as I process through these things... because, for real, I have no idea how to walk through them... so anyway...
...in the middle of the next song - it's like I almost heard an audible whisper in my ear. God... being the good daddy that he is... just whispered in my ear "if you could see what I see... you would be laughing right now instead of crying". Just a whisper, that's all. And in a moment... I was laughing. Laughing and still crying... and then just laughing. It's like, in that moment, he just filled me with so much joy.
Then this morning I was talking to God - I've shared a bit of how I used to really dislike my birthday and I was repenting for the times I have cursed the day of my birth and thanking him for my life, my freedom, his love... a short while after that God started talking to me about my age. I am 37 today and God was asking me what numbers can divide into 37. I was like... none, it's a prime number. So that rolled around in my head a little and I asked why did he point that out... He said just like 37 is a unique number to itself... that it can't be divided by other numbers... this is a unique year for me. That unique things will happen this year like no other year before.
I love getting a prophetic word from someone... but I really love getting a word directly from God, and that's a good word! :)
This has been such a special day... and I have great expectations for the year to come. I don't know what the next year will bring... it could bring more struggles, it could bring new levels of joy... but the one thing I do know is that I can trust God will be with me through all of it.
It's gonna be a good year y'all!
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Sunday, January 8, 2017
No makeup...
I was getting ready for church this past Wednesday, and as I prepared to put on makeup I had this feeling sort of like "I don't think I'll wear makeup tonight". I sat there for a moment wondering why I didn't feel like putting on makeup... it's not like it takes that long. So I started again to get things ready (I like to lay everything out so I can don't have to dig for it) and had a stronger feeling - I am not wearing makeup tonight. So I asked God... is this from you? It was. I wondered..."why doesn't God want me to wear makeup tonight? That's weird..." But... I didn't wear makeup.
I was in a great mood that day because I had been really talking with God about some things and I had just that afternoon decided to set aside the next three days for praying about when to return to Tanzania...and what to do with the time in between now and then. In a moment of pure passion... I told God (out loud for that matter) "God...I want to be willing to give up everything to follow you! Help me to be willing to let go of anything and everything and to go wherever you lead me!" (I added exclamations because I felt really excited when I said it). For the record...I was sort of thinking about like... stuff. Like... belongings mostly. Or even asking God to open my heart to wherever it is that He wants me. My mind was going in that direction when I said this.
So I happily drove to church, with no makeup... and I excitedly told a friend that I felt like big things were coming... exciting things. Then worship started... I was singing along... the second song started... I was praying and talking to God... and He showed me a picture I have seen countless times. The picture is me and these kids, who are all around me, and we are all smiling and so joyful. He first showed me this picture in 2013 when I was in Cambodia for the second time and when He showed me, He told me I would work in a children's home one day. Of course I was happy about that, everybody knows how much I love children.
So... God showed me that picture and He asked "What if being the best mom possible to these kids, means not having children of your own? Would you be willing?"
I was shocked... I hadn't even been thinking about anything like that. My reply was "That's not fair."
His reply was "Is it fair to them (the kids in the picture) to not have a good mom?"
Well...
I have several reasons, 5 to be exact, why I feel that question is so colossally unfair... but we won't get into that... God doesn't deal in "fair"... I can't tell you how many times, growing up, my father said to me "life isn't fair". It used to make me so angry, because life should be fair... but he was definitely right... life is so unfair. Bad things, horrible things, happen all around the world every day... and that's not fair. It's not fair that any child should not have a loving mother... and it's not fair that any mother should not have a child to love. So many unfair things happen... that's the way it is.
While God doesn't deal in "fair", He does deal in justice, He also deals in redemption and blessing. God made a promise to me about 4 years ago. I was sitting outside, reading my Bible, and I started talking to Him about how much I want to have a family. I looked out towards the field behind the house, and there was this lone tree along the fence, and it was just starting to bud. God told me "you will have more children than there are leaves on that tree." In that moment, I felt upset, because - if I'm gonna have that many kids... obviously they won't be biological. I had to repent for rejecting that promise. As the year went on, I watched the buds on that tree form leaves. So many leaves. I looked at that tree everyday and it really became a reminder of that promise. Side note: I haven't seen that tree since I left the US for Tanzania, but 18 days ago God showed me some earrings that remind me of that tree and His promise. He told me to buy them and every time I wear them I am reminded of all those leaves.
I have wanted to be a mother since I was little. I still remember saying, when I was 5 or 6 years old, that I wanted to have 20 babies... all at one time. I sang to my baby dolls and carried them everywhere... and eventually decided on a more conservative goal for my family size. When God asked me if I would be willing to give up the dream of having my own children if it meant being the best mom possible to the kids in that picture... I told Him yes... and then I cried... for the rest of the night.
Today I cried some more, let's be real... I'm crying right now. This hurts. A lot. I know it's not like God has told me I will never have biological children, He hasn't said for sure that won't happen...but He is asking me to be willing. It hurts to let go of something that I have dreamed of for so long. To somehow reconcile my heart with a real possibility that God may ask me to choose not to fulfill that desire, even if He does bring me a husband. It hurts... and it's ok that it hurts.
This morning as I was getting ready for church, I happened to look down at my hand and saw something I have never seen before, it was beautiful and confusing. The back of my hand had all these bright, white lights shining out of it, like the brightest pin-pricks of light actually shining out of my actual hand. Then my mind told me what it was; the tears in my eyes had caught the light and it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to appear as if they were shining.
God told me... "it works the same in the spirit too" Just like my tears altered my vision and, in that moment, I saw my hand in a way I've never seen it before... my brokenness can help me see things differently as well. I am not sure what all God is going to be teaching me through this... I can't even guess at how this will play out and how it will change me as I walk through it...but I can trust that it will be good. Because God is good... His plan for me is good and when I surrender my life to Him - His plans for me can more easily come to pass. And I can bank on the fact that His plans for me will bring me more joy than anything I could ever plan or dream up. But it still hurts.
Oh and the makeup thing... you know crying and mascara really don't go together. It's just not a good look. Thanks for the heads up, God.
Here is my disclaimer... I didn't want to share this. I wanted to play a game on my computer or watch a movie... and not think about all the unknown in my life right now, but God kept talking to me about making a blog post. So... here it is. This whole thing is very personal to me (obviously) and it's a bit difficult to share it like this. I just felt like I needed to say that.
I was in a great mood that day because I had been really talking with God about some things and I had just that afternoon decided to set aside the next three days for praying about when to return to Tanzania...and what to do with the time in between now and then. In a moment of pure passion... I told God (out loud for that matter) "God...I want to be willing to give up everything to follow you! Help me to be willing to let go of anything and everything and to go wherever you lead me!" (I added exclamations because I felt really excited when I said it). For the record...I was sort of thinking about like... stuff. Like... belongings mostly. Or even asking God to open my heart to wherever it is that He wants me. My mind was going in that direction when I said this.
So I happily drove to church, with no makeup... and I excitedly told a friend that I felt like big things were coming... exciting things. Then worship started... I was singing along... the second song started... I was praying and talking to God... and He showed me a picture I have seen countless times. The picture is me and these kids, who are all around me, and we are all smiling and so joyful. He first showed me this picture in 2013 when I was in Cambodia for the second time and when He showed me, He told me I would work in a children's home one day. Of course I was happy about that, everybody knows how much I love children.
So... God showed me that picture and He asked "What if being the best mom possible to these kids, means not having children of your own? Would you be willing?"
I was shocked... I hadn't even been thinking about anything like that. My reply was "That's not fair."
His reply was "Is it fair to them (the kids in the picture) to not have a good mom?"
Well...
I have several reasons, 5 to be exact, why I feel that question is so colossally unfair... but we won't get into that... God doesn't deal in "fair"... I can't tell you how many times, growing up, my father said to me "life isn't fair". It used to make me so angry, because life should be fair... but he was definitely right... life is so unfair. Bad things, horrible things, happen all around the world every day... and that's not fair. It's not fair that any child should not have a loving mother... and it's not fair that any mother should not have a child to love. So many unfair things happen... that's the way it is.
While God doesn't deal in "fair", He does deal in justice, He also deals in redemption and blessing. God made a promise to me about 4 years ago. I was sitting outside, reading my Bible, and I started talking to Him about how much I want to have a family. I looked out towards the field behind the house, and there was this lone tree along the fence, and it was just starting to bud. God told me "you will have more children than there are leaves on that tree." In that moment, I felt upset, because - if I'm gonna have that many kids... obviously they won't be biological. I had to repent for rejecting that promise. As the year went on, I watched the buds on that tree form leaves. So many leaves. I looked at that tree everyday and it really became a reminder of that promise. Side note: I haven't seen that tree since I left the US for Tanzania, but 18 days ago God showed me some earrings that remind me of that tree and His promise. He told me to buy them and every time I wear them I am reminded of all those leaves.
I have wanted to be a mother since I was little. I still remember saying, when I was 5 or 6 years old, that I wanted to have 20 babies... all at one time. I sang to my baby dolls and carried them everywhere... and eventually decided on a more conservative goal for my family size. When God asked me if I would be willing to give up the dream of having my own children if it meant being the best mom possible to the kids in that picture... I told Him yes... and then I cried... for the rest of the night.
Today I cried some more, let's be real... I'm crying right now. This hurts. A lot. I know it's not like God has told me I will never have biological children, He hasn't said for sure that won't happen...but He is asking me to be willing. It hurts to let go of something that I have dreamed of for so long. To somehow reconcile my heart with a real possibility that God may ask me to choose not to fulfill that desire, even if He does bring me a husband. It hurts... and it's ok that it hurts.
This morning as I was getting ready for church, I happened to look down at my hand and saw something I have never seen before, it was beautiful and confusing. The back of my hand had all these bright, white lights shining out of it, like the brightest pin-pricks of light actually shining out of my actual hand. Then my mind told me what it was; the tears in my eyes had caught the light and it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to appear as if they were shining.
God told me... "it works the same in the spirit too" Just like my tears altered my vision and, in that moment, I saw my hand in a way I've never seen it before... my brokenness can help me see things differently as well. I am not sure what all God is going to be teaching me through this... I can't even guess at how this will play out and how it will change me as I walk through it...but I can trust that it will be good. Because God is good... His plan for me is good and when I surrender my life to Him - His plans for me can more easily come to pass. And I can bank on the fact that His plans for me will bring me more joy than anything I could ever plan or dream up. But it still hurts.
Oh and the makeup thing... you know crying and mascara really don't go together. It's just not a good look. Thanks for the heads up, God.
Here is my disclaimer... I didn't want to share this. I wanted to play a game on my computer or watch a movie... and not think about all the unknown in my life right now, but God kept talking to me about making a blog post. So... here it is. This whole thing is very personal to me (obviously) and it's a bit difficult to share it like this. I just felt like I needed to say that.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
That bitterness though...
I recently posted a blog about some of the struggles that I have been going through because of a cyst on my ovary. I have learned, and am still learning, some valuable lessons from this experience on trust, fear, hearing God, listening for God...the list goes on. But I want to share with you a lesson on bitterness.
I have struggled with bitterness...a lot. I've shared before that I have had difficulties in my life - haven't we all - and I've shared that I've been hurt by people - again...not uncommon, who hasn't experienced pain at the actions or words of another person, whether it was intentional or not? My childhood was difficult and bitterness was rooted in my life at an early age. It has taken me a long time to get away from the thinking of "why me?" or "why not me?".
Why does she get that and I don't? Why did that have to happen to me? Those type of thoughts are never productive. Every single human has them at some point...but I let these thoughts have free reign in my mind and emotions for quite some time. Breaking the pattern and habit of those thoughts, to bring the focus of my thoughts around to the things in my life that I can be thankful for has taken lot's of work with God.
I already shared that, when I found out about the cyst, I had a conversation with God about how this entire situation would be so different if I was married and already had children... I told Him that I don't understand why that hasn't happened yet... I want, very much to have a family, and He knows that. Two days after I found out about the cyst... I was preparing to leave the house, I suddenly had this flash of anger and hurt feelings and I told God "I don't want to see a bunch of pregnant women today... I don't want to see one person post on Facebook that they just found out they are pregnant... and I don't want to see a bunch of people with babies either... ok?"
You know what He said to me? He said "I want you to pray for women who are trying to get pregnant" Like... what? Seriously, He said that to me... when I was in the middle of crying because I was afraid I was about to lose the ability to become pregnant myself. Who does that??? I stopped and told Him... "I don't want to do that God. That's not fair... that I should have to pray for other women to have the very thing that I want...and may be losing!" and then I said... "ok... but I need you to help me,"
I got the idea to go to Facebook and post asking if any women were trying to get pregnant and wanted prayer...to message me. So, before I left the house, I did that. Within a couple of days I had a list of 15 women...and I started praying for them every night. The first few days - I will admit - were hard. Very little in me wanted to do this...except that I *knew* God was asking me to do it..and I wanted to obey. A few days into it... I was praying and God told me a specific woman was going to be pregnant within that month...and I felt like even that same week. I wrote it down, and I anxiously waited to hear the news... That same woman announced her pregnancy on Thanksgiving!!! The excitement of waiting for her announcement sort of made me forget that nagging jealous feeling... it turned to joy and expectation instead.
Out of this... something amazing has happened. An area where I have, with pretty valid reasons, struggled with bitterness... is now an area where I am excited to pray for others to see breakthrough. Where I have struggled so much with jealousy and great sadness... I'm not struggling anymore. To me...that's a pretty amazing breakthrough! That, my friends, is beauty for ashes...joy for mourning!!!
I think this act of praying for others to have the very thing I have lost, and have feared I am losing forever, has broken something off of me...at least in that specific area. It's broken off this thought that - if she gets what I want...then there may not be enough left for me to have it as well. You know that thought? It gets buried down in there sometimes and I don't even think I was consciously aware that I was thinking it...but really that's what I think is going on when someone has or gets something we ourselves want and, instead of feeling joyful for them, we feel jealous and hurt. Why would someone else's blessing make me feel somehow "less than" unless I have this broken belief in me that there isn't enough for both of us...
I am excited at this lesson because that ugly little jealous, hurt feeling is something I have wanted to be free from for a long time. I'm not saying this is a method that will rid me of that in every area of my life, but choosing to pray for someone to be blessed surely doesn't leave much room for jealousy and sadness when their blessing comes!
The desire of my heart is to pour out on others the love that God has poured into me...and I don't want the pouring out to be clogged up with things like jealousy and rejection. I understand how those things got so deeply rooted into me... but now it's time for them to be gone for good! There is no limit to the blessings that God can, and will, pour out onto us. He enjoys surprising us with blessings in a way that leave us in awe of His power and love for us...and I want to be more intentional about partnering with Him in that and seeking ways that I can be a blessing to others. God, please help me to always remember that there is enough for everyone... for her and for me... and that her blessing doesn't, in any way, diminish what you have for me!!!
I have struggled with bitterness...a lot. I've shared before that I have had difficulties in my life - haven't we all - and I've shared that I've been hurt by people - again...not uncommon, who hasn't experienced pain at the actions or words of another person, whether it was intentional or not? My childhood was difficult and bitterness was rooted in my life at an early age. It has taken me a long time to get away from the thinking of "why me?" or "why not me?".
Why does she get that and I don't? Why did that have to happen to me? Those type of thoughts are never productive. Every single human has them at some point...but I let these thoughts have free reign in my mind and emotions for quite some time. Breaking the pattern and habit of those thoughts, to bring the focus of my thoughts around to the things in my life that I can be thankful for has taken lot's of work with God.
I already shared that, when I found out about the cyst, I had a conversation with God about how this entire situation would be so different if I was married and already had children... I told Him that I don't understand why that hasn't happened yet... I want, very much to have a family, and He knows that. Two days after I found out about the cyst... I was preparing to leave the house, I suddenly had this flash of anger and hurt feelings and I told God "I don't want to see a bunch of pregnant women today... I don't want to see one person post on Facebook that they just found out they are pregnant... and I don't want to see a bunch of people with babies either... ok?"
You know what He said to me? He said "I want you to pray for women who are trying to get pregnant" Like... what? Seriously, He said that to me... when I was in the middle of crying because I was afraid I was about to lose the ability to become pregnant myself. Who does that??? I stopped and told Him... "I don't want to do that God. That's not fair... that I should have to pray for other women to have the very thing that I want...and may be losing!" and then I said... "ok... but I need you to help me,"
I got the idea to go to Facebook and post asking if any women were trying to get pregnant and wanted prayer...to message me. So, before I left the house, I did that. Within a couple of days I had a list of 15 women...and I started praying for them every night. The first few days - I will admit - were hard. Very little in me wanted to do this...except that I *knew* God was asking me to do it..and I wanted to obey. A few days into it... I was praying and God told me a specific woman was going to be pregnant within that month...and I felt like even that same week. I wrote it down, and I anxiously waited to hear the news... That same woman announced her pregnancy on Thanksgiving!!! The excitement of waiting for her announcement sort of made me forget that nagging jealous feeling... it turned to joy and expectation instead.
Out of this... something amazing has happened. An area where I have, with pretty valid reasons, struggled with bitterness... is now an area where I am excited to pray for others to see breakthrough. Where I have struggled so much with jealousy and great sadness... I'm not struggling anymore. To me...that's a pretty amazing breakthrough! That, my friends, is beauty for ashes...joy for mourning!!!
I think this act of praying for others to have the very thing I have lost, and have feared I am losing forever, has broken something off of me...at least in that specific area. It's broken off this thought that - if she gets what I want...then there may not be enough left for me to have it as well. You know that thought? It gets buried down in there sometimes and I don't even think I was consciously aware that I was thinking it...but really that's what I think is going on when someone has or gets something we ourselves want and, instead of feeling joyful for them, we feel jealous and hurt. Why would someone else's blessing make me feel somehow "less than" unless I have this broken belief in me that there isn't enough for both of us...
I am excited at this lesson because that ugly little jealous, hurt feeling is something I have wanted to be free from for a long time. I'm not saying this is a method that will rid me of that in every area of my life, but choosing to pray for someone to be blessed surely doesn't leave much room for jealousy and sadness when their blessing comes!
The desire of my heart is to pour out on others the love that God has poured into me...and I don't want the pouring out to be clogged up with things like jealousy and rejection. I understand how those things got so deeply rooted into me... but now it's time for them to be gone for good! There is no limit to the blessings that God can, and will, pour out onto us. He enjoys surprising us with blessings in a way that leave us in awe of His power and love for us...and I want to be more intentional about partnering with Him in that and seeking ways that I can be a blessing to others. God, please help me to always remember that there is enough for everyone... for her and for me... and that her blessing doesn't, in any way, diminish what you have for me!!!
Saturday, December 24, 2016
A Christmas miracle...
I have been waiting to be able to write this blog post!!! This one will probably get a bit emotional...I will probably cry...but I'm nothing if not real so...
When I came back to the US...I was hurting...and the hurting was getting worse, not better. So...after I got around to finding a doctor, she ordered an ultrasound... but then I needed second one... so all of this takes a few months and eventually I found out I had a cyst on my left ovary. But first...
A little bit of background... there are basically two types of ovarian cysts: simple and complex. The shortest description is that simple cysts usually resolve on their own but complex cysts usually require medication (which I cannot take due to a blood disorder I have been diagnosed with) or surgery. Both types of cysts cause discomfort and pain. Another bit of history...I already lost one ovary due to complex cysts... so this is the only one I have.
Now...I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - or PCOS - years ago...after I lost one ovary. PCOS causes multiple, simple cysts to form on the ovaries (or ovary in my case). I have become accustomed to the pain that is associated with cysts... so I knew going in for the ultrasound that I had a cyst. I prayed and asked God to cause that cyst to rupture (and heal me from PCOS...no more cysts!) before the ultrasound; so when I was finally sitting in the doctor's office for my results...I was surprised to hear that I had good-sized cyst on my ovary. And it was a complex cyst, the kind that doesn't really go away on it's own. And it had a septation...and nodules (btw... just a tip... don't ever google little bits of medical information like this after you leave the doctors office)
If you happened to read my post in October "Learning to trust" - it was about this. Just a short run-down on where I was with all this. I've had plenty of simple cysts...but never a complex cyst... on my left ovary. The only other time I had complex cysts...I lost my ovary. I was scared. I was concerned that I would lose my ovary... and I really want to be able to have children one day. When the doctor told me about the cyst; immediately all these thoughts started pelting my mind... I'll spare you from listing them individually, but they were all along these lines...
Will I lose my ovary like before?
Am I going to lose my ability to have children?
Why didn't God heal me?
Ever since I first prayed for healing from PCOS, every single time I have had an ultrasound - and I've had a lot of ultrasounds - I get so excited because I have asked God to bring back the right ovary that I lost. I get so excited every time I have an ultrasound because I think "this will be the time that the right ovary is there and the doctor will be surprised and I can share how I've prayed for God to bring it back." I have an expectation for that... I had an expectation for God to heal me of that cyst too...I knew it was going to happen... I just *knew* there would be no cyst when I went for that second ultrasoud. But there was.
Let's go back to me sitting in the doctor's office...with all these negative thoughts attacking my mind... I started crying. I had this moment of feeling so totally rejected (He didn't heal me...and it could be bad) and scared - and I took a breath and said "I trust you, God." When I left there, I was still crying; I texted a few friends, asking for prayer, and at the end I added "I trust that God has a plan for my life...and it's an amazing one...no matter how this goes". For the next two days I cried off and on, I told God I was scared, and I told Him "If I had a husband and kids right now, this wouldn't be such a difficult thing ya know" (He said He knew that) and I told God how unfair it would be...how vastly unfair it would be, after everything I have walked through, for me to not be able to have my own child because of a stupid cyst. (He didn't really need me to tell Him that either I guess)
None of that changed the fact that when I went for a follow up ultrasound...I had more cysts... and more pain... and more tears. I actually had a tough few days after that one. But every time I got scared... I went to God. I continued to remind myself of who He is and who He isn't. He is good, not bad...He loves me, He doesn't hate me...He is for me (completely), not against me... He is merciful...He does not ever set me up for failure. I reminded myself that God has the most amazing plan for my life... and if it includes biological children...then I will have them. If it doesn't...I won't. But God has promised me children. He never promised me that they would share my DNA...but He has promised me more children than I can even count. And God doesn't break His promises.
I had this moment...about 3 weeks ago... I was talking to God about...things...I can't remember what... and I had this moment where I looked back at some of the changes that have taken place in me during this struggle with the cyst. I was contemplating why God wouldn't have healed me, when I believed so strongly that He would...why would He allow me to walk away so broken...when I walked in feeling so sure of a report in my favor??? God told me, "I could have healed you when you first asked...but look what we would have missed out on" What WE would have missed out on...Him and me. My relationship with Him is stronger for having walked through this...my trust in Him is stronger because of it... and my awareness of who HE says I am is greater as a result. Something has shifted in me during this process...and it feels like a huge shift. I am not the same.
So here's the part I've been waiting to be able to share... waiting for months because I knew it would come one way or another... night before last I was hurting - which is not uncommon... I was at a Christmas party and towards the end I was wanting to leave because I had started hurting pretty bad. All I could think of was getting home to lay down..which usually helps the pain. That night it didn't help. I tried a heating pad...that made it worse, which is not typical at all. I took Tylenol... it didn't help. I was praying through this and I told God "if I am supposed to go to the ER, make the pain unbearable...otherwise I will wait until tomorrow and call the doctor" (I greatly dislike the ER...for many reasons) About 30 minutes later...I was on the way to the ER. I texted a friend....she didn't answer. I started to call...I felt God say no... I told God on the way to the ER "see...I should have a husband with me right now... I'm not supposed to go to the ER alone..." (just in case he forgot that I am past marrying age) He didn't need my reminder...He knew. Fast forward to me waiting for the test results... I'm praying... I'm hurting... and the thought comes again - I should have someone here with me... I shouldn't be alone. I reached for my phone, but again God said no. I had been praying this whole time...but in just one moment I had this idea to invite Jesus to be a stand in since no one was there with me. And, of course, He was glad to do this...since it's what He wanted me to do from the beginning :)
I was so comforted...and He even made me laugh in the midst of it all. He just sat and talked with me and brought me such peace. Shortly after... the doctor comes back and he says "We have the results of your ultrasound... there is no evidence of any cyst" I was surprised...and happy (to say the least) and said maybe the pain was from it rupturing. By this time, the shot (non-narcotic cause I was driving) had taken away most of the pain I was feeling and they discharged me with instruction to see a doctor for follow up.
Guys... I may never know why things happen the way they do... but I really think the reason for all the pain was just so that I could KNOW that something was happening...and then could have this amazing Christmas gift of knowing that the cysts (all of them) are gone!!! Even the complex one!
It truly is a miracle! I am thankful that I have a relationship with the God who creates life... I still don't know all that is in His plan for me... but I am still trusting. What I do know about it is that He has promised that it will be amazing...more wonderful than I can even imagine. I can't wait to see what He has in store!
When I came back to the US...I was hurting...and the hurting was getting worse, not better. So...after I got around to finding a doctor, she ordered an ultrasound... but then I needed second one... so all of this takes a few months and eventually I found out I had a cyst on my left ovary. But first...
A little bit of background... there are basically two types of ovarian cysts: simple and complex. The shortest description is that simple cysts usually resolve on their own but complex cysts usually require medication (which I cannot take due to a blood disorder I have been diagnosed with) or surgery. Both types of cysts cause discomfort and pain. Another bit of history...I already lost one ovary due to complex cysts... so this is the only one I have.
Now...I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - or PCOS - years ago...after I lost one ovary. PCOS causes multiple, simple cysts to form on the ovaries (or ovary in my case). I have become accustomed to the pain that is associated with cysts... so I knew going in for the ultrasound that I had a cyst. I prayed and asked God to cause that cyst to rupture (and heal me from PCOS...no more cysts!) before the ultrasound; so when I was finally sitting in the doctor's office for my results...I was surprised to hear that I had good-sized cyst on my ovary. And it was a complex cyst, the kind that doesn't really go away on it's own. And it had a septation...and nodules (btw... just a tip... don't ever google little bits of medical information like this after you leave the doctors office)
If you happened to read my post in October "Learning to trust" - it was about this. Just a short run-down on where I was with all this. I've had plenty of simple cysts...but never a complex cyst... on my left ovary. The only other time I had complex cysts...I lost my ovary. I was scared. I was concerned that I would lose my ovary... and I really want to be able to have children one day. When the doctor told me about the cyst; immediately all these thoughts started pelting my mind... I'll spare you from listing them individually, but they were all along these lines...
Will I lose my ovary like before?
Am I going to lose my ability to have children?
Why didn't God heal me?
Ever since I first prayed for healing from PCOS, every single time I have had an ultrasound - and I've had a lot of ultrasounds - I get so excited because I have asked God to bring back the right ovary that I lost. I get so excited every time I have an ultrasound because I think "this will be the time that the right ovary is there and the doctor will be surprised and I can share how I've prayed for God to bring it back." I have an expectation for that... I had an expectation for God to heal me of that cyst too...I knew it was going to happen... I just *knew* there would be no cyst when I went for that second ultrasoud. But there was.
Let's go back to me sitting in the doctor's office...with all these negative thoughts attacking my mind... I started crying. I had this moment of feeling so totally rejected (He didn't heal me...and it could be bad) and scared - and I took a breath and said "I trust you, God." When I left there, I was still crying; I texted a few friends, asking for prayer, and at the end I added "I trust that God has a plan for my life...and it's an amazing one...no matter how this goes". For the next two days I cried off and on, I told God I was scared, and I told Him "If I had a husband and kids right now, this wouldn't be such a difficult thing ya know" (He said He knew that) and I told God how unfair it would be...how vastly unfair it would be, after everything I have walked through, for me to not be able to have my own child because of a stupid cyst. (He didn't really need me to tell Him that either I guess)
None of that changed the fact that when I went for a follow up ultrasound...I had more cysts... and more pain... and more tears. I actually had a tough few days after that one. But every time I got scared... I went to God. I continued to remind myself of who He is and who He isn't. He is good, not bad...He loves me, He doesn't hate me...He is for me (completely), not against me... He is merciful...He does not ever set me up for failure. I reminded myself that God has the most amazing plan for my life... and if it includes biological children...then I will have them. If it doesn't...I won't. But God has promised me children. He never promised me that they would share my DNA...but He has promised me more children than I can even count. And God doesn't break His promises.
I had this moment...about 3 weeks ago... I was talking to God about...things...I can't remember what... and I had this moment where I looked back at some of the changes that have taken place in me during this struggle with the cyst. I was contemplating why God wouldn't have healed me, when I believed so strongly that He would...why would He allow me to walk away so broken...when I walked in feeling so sure of a report in my favor??? God told me, "I could have healed you when you first asked...but look what we would have missed out on" What WE would have missed out on...Him and me. My relationship with Him is stronger for having walked through this...my trust in Him is stronger because of it... and my awareness of who HE says I am is greater as a result. Something has shifted in me during this process...and it feels like a huge shift. I am not the same.
So here's the part I've been waiting to be able to share... waiting for months because I knew it would come one way or another... night before last I was hurting - which is not uncommon... I was at a Christmas party and towards the end I was wanting to leave because I had started hurting pretty bad. All I could think of was getting home to lay down..which usually helps the pain. That night it didn't help. I tried a heating pad...that made it worse, which is not typical at all. I took Tylenol... it didn't help. I was praying through this and I told God "if I am supposed to go to the ER, make the pain unbearable...otherwise I will wait until tomorrow and call the doctor" (I greatly dislike the ER...for many reasons) About 30 minutes later...I was on the way to the ER. I texted a friend....she didn't answer. I started to call...I felt God say no... I told God on the way to the ER "see...I should have a husband with me right now... I'm not supposed to go to the ER alone..." (just in case he forgot that I am past marrying age) He didn't need my reminder...He knew. Fast forward to me waiting for the test results... I'm praying... I'm hurting... and the thought comes again - I should have someone here with me... I shouldn't be alone. I reached for my phone, but again God said no. I had been praying this whole time...but in just one moment I had this idea to invite Jesus to be a stand in since no one was there with me. And, of course, He was glad to do this...since it's what He wanted me to do from the beginning :)
I was so comforted...and He even made me laugh in the midst of it all. He just sat and talked with me and brought me such peace. Shortly after... the doctor comes back and he says "We have the results of your ultrasound... there is no evidence of any cyst" I was surprised...and happy (to say the least) and said maybe the pain was from it rupturing. By this time, the shot (non-narcotic cause I was driving) had taken away most of the pain I was feeling and they discharged me with instruction to see a doctor for follow up.
Guys... I may never know why things happen the way they do... but I really think the reason for all the pain was just so that I could KNOW that something was happening...and then could have this amazing Christmas gift of knowing that the cysts (all of them) are gone!!! Even the complex one!
It truly is a miracle! I am thankful that I have a relationship with the God who creates life... I still don't know all that is in His plan for me... but I am still trusting. What I do know about it is that He has promised that it will be amazing...more wonderful than I can even imagine. I can't wait to see what He has in store!
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Stinky things...
I've mentioned before that God talks to me through some strange things at times...well...my mind is currently expanding again (that's how it feels...sometimes when this happens I think I can almost feel things moving around up there; making room for a greater awareness of one thing or another) and I wanted to share.
Last night I was sort of watching, and mostly listening to this cartoon movie while I was working on a project. There was this character in the movie...he was a "half-Barron" and he had this little mosquito the rode around on his shoulder. This mosquito was annoying to the guy, he was smelly and gross, and he also, as mosquitoes do, drank the guys blood. The man had been cursed...because of his extreme pride... and the only way to remove the mosquito from his shoulder was that the man had to agree with the mosquito...just once... about anything. When asked why he wouldn't just agree with the mosquito on something to get rid of this nuisance, he replied that he was far too important to lower himself to agreeing with a tiny mosquito.
I didn't pay a lot of attention to that, other than thinking it was a bit silly, until a scene in the movie when the half-Barron - in a moment where the group is being threatened - says that he will be in charge and save the group. Then the mosquito agrees, yes, the half-Barron should be in charge. Then...with the enemy closing in, the half-Barron emphatically declares that he is not in charge and will not be in charge. So the group is standing there, threat looming...until the mosquito says something along the lines of "ok...you are a horrible choice for a leader" at which point the half-Barron decides to be the leader again and helps the group.
Now... I had to run that back and watch that scene play out a second time so that I could pay attention to it...he was willing to allow himself and the group to be harmed just so that he didn't have to agree with this mosquito! That started some things rolling around and I felt this question bloom in my mind "what nasty parasites am I carrying around all because I don't want to 'lower myself' to acknowledge their presence?"
What stinky have I become so accustomed to carrying with me that rarely smell them? Jealousy is pretty stinky... do I allow it to leave a displeasing odor on me and drive a wedge between myself and others? What about all those self-depreciating thoughts...those don't smell that great. If I don't confront those and replace them with the truth of what God says about me...they can make me smell so bad that it will affect every relationship I have. Or anger...all those outbursts - even if they are just in my mind - when someone frustrates me while I'm being the best driver ever.
The list goes on...and I could put quite a few things here, let's be honest, we all could...but I think another important point in dealing with all those stinky things is this: what you focus on becomes your focus. So if I am trying to up-root one of those smelly things from my life... beating myself up about it and asking "what's wrong with me that I still struggle with _______" isn't going to help much. Focusing on the truth of who God has made me to be, on the other hand, seems to be the quickest method of bringing that truth into fruitfulness in my life.
The thing is... all these smelly little things...they grow over time... I think it's sort of like a garden...I have to tend the garden of my heart and pull up those little stink-weeds as soon as they sprout. Their goal is to choke out joy, peace, love, and every other good-smelling thing that God helps me to plant there. When I cultivate and tend those positive, life-bringing things... that also goes a long way towards keeping the stinky ones at bay.
I have another mind-expanding blog swirling around up there...but I'll save it for another day. :)
The movie I am referring to is Hero Quest...I'm not trying to steal their story, just use a small part that I thought was powerful. ;)
Last night I was sort of watching, and mostly listening to this cartoon movie while I was working on a project. There was this character in the movie...he was a "half-Barron" and he had this little mosquito the rode around on his shoulder. This mosquito was annoying to the guy, he was smelly and gross, and he also, as mosquitoes do, drank the guys blood. The man had been cursed...because of his extreme pride... and the only way to remove the mosquito from his shoulder was that the man had to agree with the mosquito...just once... about anything. When asked why he wouldn't just agree with the mosquito on something to get rid of this nuisance, he replied that he was far too important to lower himself to agreeing with a tiny mosquito.
I didn't pay a lot of attention to that, other than thinking it was a bit silly, until a scene in the movie when the half-Barron - in a moment where the group is being threatened - says that he will be in charge and save the group. Then the mosquito agrees, yes, the half-Barron should be in charge. Then...with the enemy closing in, the half-Barron emphatically declares that he is not in charge and will not be in charge. So the group is standing there, threat looming...until the mosquito says something along the lines of "ok...you are a horrible choice for a leader" at which point the half-Barron decides to be the leader again and helps the group.
Now... I had to run that back and watch that scene play out a second time so that I could pay attention to it...he was willing to allow himself and the group to be harmed just so that he didn't have to agree with this mosquito! That started some things rolling around and I felt this question bloom in my mind "what nasty parasites am I carrying around all because I don't want to 'lower myself' to acknowledge their presence?"
What stinky have I become so accustomed to carrying with me that rarely smell them? Jealousy is pretty stinky... do I allow it to leave a displeasing odor on me and drive a wedge between myself and others? What about all those self-depreciating thoughts...those don't smell that great. If I don't confront those and replace them with the truth of what God says about me...they can make me smell so bad that it will affect every relationship I have. Or anger...all those outbursts - even if they are just in my mind - when someone frustrates me while I'm being the best driver ever.
The list goes on...and I could put quite a few things here, let's be honest, we all could...but I think another important point in dealing with all those stinky things is this: what you focus on becomes your focus. So if I am trying to up-root one of those smelly things from my life... beating myself up about it and asking "what's wrong with me that I still struggle with _______" isn't going to help much. Focusing on the truth of who God has made me to be, on the other hand, seems to be the quickest method of bringing that truth into fruitfulness in my life.
The thing is... all these smelly little things...they grow over time... I think it's sort of like a garden...I have to tend the garden of my heart and pull up those little stink-weeds as soon as they sprout. Their goal is to choke out joy, peace, love, and every other good-smelling thing that God helps me to plant there. When I cultivate and tend those positive, life-bringing things... that also goes a long way towards keeping the stinky ones at bay.
I have another mind-expanding blog swirling around up there...but I'll save it for another day. :)
The movie I am referring to is Hero Quest...I'm not trying to steal their story, just use a small part that I thought was powerful. ;)
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Learning to trust...
Recently God began asking me "Do you trust me?". This question has come in a few circumstances and my answer has been "No...not really." So when that question started coming, and I searched my heart and came back with the honest answer that maybe I don't fully trust God to provide the very best (even though the road to "the very best" is sometimes - dare I say often - painful) I began asking "God, help me to trust you more...no not more...help me to trust you completely!"
Have you ever heard the expression "Be careful what you pray for"? Well...this past week I got some less than desirable news. Wait...let me be honest...it didn't feel less than desirable... it felt devastating. I immediately entered a zone where I had two choices... I could either trust God or give in to hopelessness. Guess what happened? I was actually surprised at myself...I won't lie. My trust in God far outweighed the hopelessness. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at that...but I am. Even a couple of years ago, I think even one year ago, I would have handled this situation in a completely different way.
Don't get me wrong...there were tears, and if I spend much time thinking of the possible negative outcome...there are still tears. There was fear...but God didn't put His Spirit within me so that I can live in fear...so I knew I had to fight against that fear and not give it a place...easier said than done by the way...especially when fear has only recently been evicted from the it's dark hiding place in my heart. But overwhelmingly...my mind has remained focused on God's goodness and His ability to create the most spectacular miracles.
So today I thought of something. Maybe...my answer of "No, not really" came from a place of being unaware. If you were to ask me "Can you pick up a 50 lb weight and carry it across the room" I would probably say "I think so" Because I know, based on past experience, how much weight I can safely lift and carry. But I won't really know if I am able...until I try. I can lift and carry a 50 lb toddler...but I might find it to be a bit different picking up a 50 lb weight. It's in the process of doing it that I learn for sure if I am able.
So, here I am, in the process (which I am starting to think of as "faith lifting" you know...like weight lifting...get it???) and you know what I am learning? My faith is stronger than I thought. I'm actually looking at this situation and, with complete honesty, saying "God, no matter how this turns out, I trust that you have a spectacular plan for my life". Every now and then I am surprised all over again with the peace and comfort that I feel in the midst of something that could have me crying on the floor in fear and helplessness. Only because of the Holy Spirit am I able to have this comfort and peace...only because of His strength in me am I able to rest in this faith. It's really quite amazing.
I still sort of consider myself to be a "baby Christian" (although I prefer the term "friends with Jesus" over Christian) and in these moments I am left in awe of the way that God is gifting me with peace in the storm. A peace that I have done nothing to deserve or create and cannot, in any way, sustain without Him. I am, once again, blown away because His love and provision are so amazing. He is good...even when life doesn't seem that good.
p.s. I want to share a couple of the verses that really help me through difficult moments. If I begin to feel discouraged or fearful...these are two of the top verses that I draw comfort from.
Isaiah 46:10
Only I (God) can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, I do whatever I wish
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I (God) will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Have you ever heard the expression "Be careful what you pray for"? Well...this past week I got some less than desirable news. Wait...let me be honest...it didn't feel less than desirable... it felt devastating. I immediately entered a zone where I had two choices... I could either trust God or give in to hopelessness. Guess what happened? I was actually surprised at myself...I won't lie. My trust in God far outweighed the hopelessness. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at that...but I am. Even a couple of years ago, I think even one year ago, I would have handled this situation in a completely different way.
Don't get me wrong...there were tears, and if I spend much time thinking of the possible negative outcome...there are still tears. There was fear...but God didn't put His Spirit within me so that I can live in fear...so I knew I had to fight against that fear and not give it a place...easier said than done by the way...especially when fear has only recently been evicted from the it's dark hiding place in my heart. But overwhelmingly...my mind has remained focused on God's goodness and His ability to create the most spectacular miracles.
So today I thought of something. Maybe...my answer of "No, not really" came from a place of being unaware. If you were to ask me "Can you pick up a 50 lb weight and carry it across the room" I would probably say "I think so" Because I know, based on past experience, how much weight I can safely lift and carry. But I won't really know if I am able...until I try. I can lift and carry a 50 lb toddler...but I might find it to be a bit different picking up a 50 lb weight. It's in the process of doing it that I learn for sure if I am able.
So, here I am, in the process (which I am starting to think of as "faith lifting" you know...like weight lifting...get it???) and you know what I am learning? My faith is stronger than I thought. I'm actually looking at this situation and, with complete honesty, saying "God, no matter how this turns out, I trust that you have a spectacular plan for my life". Every now and then I am surprised all over again with the peace and comfort that I feel in the midst of something that could have me crying on the floor in fear and helplessness. Only because of the Holy Spirit am I able to have this comfort and peace...only because of His strength in me am I able to rest in this faith. It's really quite amazing.
I still sort of consider myself to be a "baby Christian" (although I prefer the term "friends with Jesus" over Christian) and in these moments I am left in awe of the way that God is gifting me with peace in the storm. A peace that I have done nothing to deserve or create and cannot, in any way, sustain without Him. I am, once again, blown away because His love and provision are so amazing. He is good...even when life doesn't seem that good.
p.s. I want to share a couple of the verses that really help me through difficult moments. If I begin to feel discouraged or fearful...these are two of the top verses that I draw comfort from.
Isaiah 46:10
Only I (God) can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, I do whatever I wish
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters, I (God) will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Friday, October 7, 2016
Expectations...
I have some pretty high expectation for myself. Like...sometimes...these expectations walk the line of perfection. And while I am pretty amazing... I am far from perfect. So this morning I was reading in a devotional and...as sometimes happens... I read this one sentence that has now been bouncing around in my mind for a while... (I can't be the only one who experiences this "whoa! that is amazing" feeling and then spends a whole day - or week - contemplating something...)
What I was reading was basically asking if the ends justify the means. If the outcome is "good" (a relative term...sure) does it matter how you get there? In the middle of the paragraph was this sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do." I read that sentence...and then I read it again, and again... and then my mind started gluing it together with some things I've been contemplating this morning - namely... Why do I still struggle with my identity and value??? Here's how it went in my head: I read that sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do" and my mind went to "Just like God cares as much about the journey I am walking as He does about the finish" then to "God is happy to walk with me as I continue to learn my identity and value...He is not disappointed that I'm not 'there' yet".
In the past, I have struggled quite a bit with guilt and shame over why I haven't made enough progress in some area...or why I still struggle in some area. Why am I not perfect??? It seems silly to say it that way...why am I not perfect... but that is sort of what I expect from myself at times, and let's be real... as long as I am living...I will fall far short of perfection. I am not saying that I should just go along and do whatever I feel like doing...I've lived that life and it led me to some pretty unhappy places, but at the same time...I shouldn't beat myself up for the fact that I'm not perfect.
Back to my thoughts this morning - before I read that one sentence - about my value and identity. At one time, I had a very dismal view of my value and identity...that has changed drastically, and because of these drastic changes... I don't get into that guilt and shame (over just about anything) the way that I used to...but still sometimes I can feel the tugging of those old thoughts "what is wrong with me? if I worked at this harder it would be better by now. why can't I just get over _______?"
Darkness that is familiar to us will often try to drag us back into old thought patterns. Thankfully...I recognize it almost immediately now. Where I used to spend days (weeks...longer?) upset with myself because I had failed in some way or hadn't reached some goal; I now am able to look on the progress that I have made and thank God that whatever mistake or misstep occurred is taking me closer to healing.
Sometimes, I can get so focused on the finish line that I can't see the race. My vision is so zoned in on the end goal that I don't value each step that is taking me closer to it. There is value in the journey that I am walking. Each step has value... even if it feels like a step in the wrong direction. I can never reach the finish line without each step that takes me towards it.
So... today I am thankful that, even though I still have some things to learn about who I am and how valuable I am, I have learned so much about my identity and value over the past few years. Also, I choose to be thankful that I am currently walking through some lessons that will take me even closer to finding my value not in other people...but in God alone. One step closer to perfection y'all ;)
What I was reading was basically asking if the ends justify the means. If the outcome is "good" (a relative term...sure) does it matter how you get there? In the middle of the paragraph was this sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do." I read that sentence...and then I read it again, and again... and then my mind started gluing it together with some things I've been contemplating this morning - namely... Why do I still struggle with my identity and value??? Here's how it went in my head: I read that sentence "God is as interested in how we do things as in what we do" and my mind went to "Just like God cares as much about the journey I am walking as He does about the finish" then to "God is happy to walk with me as I continue to learn my identity and value...He is not disappointed that I'm not 'there' yet".
In the past, I have struggled quite a bit with guilt and shame over why I haven't made enough progress in some area...or why I still struggle in some area. Why am I not perfect??? It seems silly to say it that way...why am I not perfect... but that is sort of what I expect from myself at times, and let's be real... as long as I am living...I will fall far short of perfection. I am not saying that I should just go along and do whatever I feel like doing...I've lived that life and it led me to some pretty unhappy places, but at the same time...I shouldn't beat myself up for the fact that I'm not perfect.
Back to my thoughts this morning - before I read that one sentence - about my value and identity. At one time, I had a very dismal view of my value and identity...that has changed drastically, and because of these drastic changes... I don't get into that guilt and shame (over just about anything) the way that I used to...but still sometimes I can feel the tugging of those old thoughts "what is wrong with me? if I worked at this harder it would be better by now. why can't I just get over _______?"
Darkness that is familiar to us will often try to drag us back into old thought patterns. Thankfully...I recognize it almost immediately now. Where I used to spend days (weeks...longer?) upset with myself because I had failed in some way or hadn't reached some goal; I now am able to look on the progress that I have made and thank God that whatever mistake or misstep occurred is taking me closer to healing.
Sometimes, I can get so focused on the finish line that I can't see the race. My vision is so zoned in on the end goal that I don't value each step that is taking me closer to it. There is value in the journey that I am walking. Each step has value... even if it feels like a step in the wrong direction. I can never reach the finish line without each step that takes me towards it.
So... today I am thankful that, even though I still have some things to learn about who I am and how valuable I am, I have learned so much about my identity and value over the past few years. Also, I choose to be thankful that I am currently walking through some lessons that will take me even closer to finding my value not in other people...but in God alone. One step closer to perfection y'all ;)
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