The power of love...

I had a rather profound moment with one of my kids yesterday and I wanted to share it.

I walked into my classroom to find two children during a time when they were supposed to be outside.  I tell them to head outside to play.  One does, the other stays where she has planted herself...on the floor in the corner.

She has her backpack sitting next to her, she just arrived a few minutes ago and she did not give me a hug - which she does every single day.  She is being a little sulky and I ask her "why aren't you playing outside?"  She answers "I can't...because my leg hurts."  I say I'm sorry that her leg hurts, and remind her that she is not allowed to be in the classroom at this time, but we can sit outside together.

She has a colored pencil in her hand and I have already asked her, "Is that your pencil or mine?  It looks like my pencil."  She answered "It's mine, I brought it from home."

I tell her to put the pencil back in her bag because it looks like my pencil and I might confuse it and try to keep it, and say "After you put your pencil away come and sit with me!"  I can tell she is feeling down...she is never this sulky... I wonder if she's getting sick.

She comes, with the pencil and her backpack and sits in my lap... I ask what's wrong... no response.  I tell her I'm sorry she is not feeling well this morning and give her a hug.  She leaves her head on my shoulder, arms around my neck...acting like she is about to cry.  I hug her longer and tell her "I love you so much...and guess what...God loves you so much.  You are so special!  I'm sorry you are having a hard morning, but I am praying that it will get better."

She sits back...looks at me with tears in her eyes... and holds up the colored pencil.  She says "Ms. Cynthia... here."  I have this short moment of confusion and then I realize... she was taking it when I walked in.  I happened to walk in as she was about to place it in her backpack.  THAT is why she is so sad...she feels guilty.

I look at her and the tears in her eyes and I take the pencil.  I say "Oh, this was my pencil and you were going to take it home?"  She nods her head, so sad.  I ask her to look at my eyes and I tell her "I am so very proud of you right now.  Thank you so much.  Look at this good choice that you made.  I am proud of you for telling the truth and I love you just as much as I did before."

I was shocked...the bravery that it took for her to do that, tears in her eyes.  But the illustration that God gave me out of this... WOW.  In the midst of her doing something naughty... taking something that belongs to me, sinning against me... I showed her love.  I hugged her and comforted her and told her how loved she was.  She clearly saw that I believed that this was her pencil...but she chose, instead of keeping it, to face the shame of confessing her sin and giving it back to me.

God, let me be so brave as this sweet little 4 year old when I have made a mistake.  Let me be so anchored in your love and my awareness of your love for me that I bravely stand up in the face of my poor choices and make things right.  The power of love... there are no words to describe it.

I am thankful to God for the countless examples of his love for me that he is showing me day after day.  So very thankful!

God loves me...

This morning I got some news that some people that I care about very much are suffering some harsh consequences for some poor choices they have made... this news came through a third person.  Because I am unable to communicate directly with these people (being in Africa makes communication a bit tricky in certain situations) I was thinking that I wish I could talk to them; of the things I would like to say.  I was feeling sad that I can't say to them "I love you, God loves you".

So with lots of prayer...and on the verge of tears...I am starting circle time for my preschoolers... we start every morning with prayer and this morning as I am preparing to start our prayer... other words come out of my mouth.  God was definitely speaking to me...and I believe to the ones I love...through me.

I told my kids "Do you know that God loves you?"
They answer "yes"
Me: "do you know how much God loves you?"
Kids: mostly silence...a few say "a lot"
Me: "I want you to picture in your head something or someone that you love the most.  raise your hand when you see that picture"
Kids: eyes closed...hands start to go up as they get their picture
Me: "now...feel how much you love that person or thing...feel how much it makes your heart happy"
Kids: smiling, still with their eyes closed
Me: "God loves you MORE than that!  and guess what...He loves you all the time, whether you are happy or sad, whether you are being naughty or making good choices, do you know that?"
Kids: some say no and some say yes...
Me: "what if you are being naughty...does God still love you?"
Kids: "NO!"  (all of them)
Me: "No?  guess what... the answer is yes... He still loves you even when you are being naughty or making poor choices.  What about if you are not listening to your teacher, or if you are sitting in the time out chair...does God still love you?"
Kids: like 3 or 4 "yes" and the rest "NO!"
Me: "The answer is yes again!  Even if you are not listening to your teacher or you are in the time out chair...God still loves you just as much as when you are making good choices.  What about this...what if you are saying mean words to a friend...what if you push your friend down and make them cry...does God still love you?"
Kids: some yell "YES!" immediately... the rest say "yes" after a few seconds.
Me: "YES!!! God always always loves you!  there is never a time when He does not love you, even if you say mean words and make your friend cry He loves you just as much as when you make your friend happy."

At the end of this exchange...the kids were talking about how God loves you even when you are sad and how he protects you when you are sad and makes you feel better.  I had been feeling pretty sad before this whole thing...so that was pretty amazing too.

Even as all these words were coming out...I was listening and thinking... this...THIS is what I would say to them.  These are the things I would say to them.. God loves you... God loves you even though you made bad choices and HE can help you walk away from those bad choices.  God is able...God is bigger... God loves you NO MATTER WHAT!

God's love for me, for them, for you is not conditional.  He surely does not delight in my poor choices, and poor choices have consequences whether I follow God or not... but He does love me with a love that is beyond all others.  He loves me if I am doing good, or if I am struggling and falling into sin... He loves me... always

What do you mean, 'If I can'?

Today on Facebook I saw an image that a friend shared.  It was a picture of some verses from Mark 9 and one verse in particular was highlighted. 

Mark 9:23 - "What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes."

Yes...it is part of a larger story, but seeing just that portion highlighted really made it stick in my mind.  This is the New Living Translation and the way that it's phrased "What do you mean 'If I can'?" is pretty clear.  

My birthday just passed and my mind has been full of thoughts about where my life is right now...and where I thought my life would be by now.  Reality doesn't really meet up with my expectations and sometimes that leaves me feeling less than thankful.  

I have been facing some lies that are still rooted in my thoughts lately, and one of those lies is that God either cannot or will not help me in certain areas.  I feel like I have been walking down a rather long path of healing - to be fair it's been many, many years - and I realized that I have this lie in my mind that says that God can't heal some things.  Another lie is that God doesn't want to fulfill the desires of my heart because he doesn't really want me to be happy.  

Reading this verse makes me think of all those lies that say that certain things are not possible.  The words "What do you mean 'If I can'?" keep swirling around in my head and I keep seeing one "issue" after another that this applies to.  I am not a quitter...I don't give up...but I am seeing areas where I have built some walls around some of my greatest desires because, somewhere, I believe that it's impossible.  

I do honestly believe in my heart that God has an amazing plan for my life; he has saved me from some pretty impossible situations, and I know he has a purpose in that.  I also believe that as long as I am following him...walking out his plan for my life...I will be filled with joy no matter where I am.  Having said all that...it's hard sometimes, trusting in God for something that seems unlikely, or even impossible.  Thankfully times of peace and comfort easily outweigh the hard times.  

My love for God is not based on him providing me with the things that I want or even the things that I feel like I need.  And even if I am still writing this same blog post in five years...my love for God will not be diminished because of it. 

So it's my birthday...

Today is my birthday.  I have had such a wonderful day, completely filled with friends loving on me and spending time with me.  (Quality time is for sure one of my main love languages)

During this day...I have been filled with joy and thankfulness.  But...my birthday used to be one my least favorite days of the year.  I used to dread birthdays and the time leading up to my birthday is still a painful time for me.

But today...as I thanked God for the fact that I am alive...I actually thanked him for the fact that I was born.  I have never in my life expressed gratitude for that - and today those words just came out when I was thanking God for this day. 

In the past, I routinely questioned God's judgement in regards to my birth.  I believed that God had either made a mistake, or had nothing to do with my creation at all.  I used to say that I wished I had never been born...that I hadn't lived.  And today for the first time I actually thanked God that I was born.

My life used to mean nothing to me...I wanted to throw it away.  I had chosen to end my life at one point because I was tired of the pain that I lived in every day.  I believed that my life had no value or worth and birthdays only served to remind me that...had I never been born, I wouldn't have had to live with the memory of so many painful experiences. 

So...I just wanted to take a few minutes to share the fact that my life has been drastically changed...to the point that I am so thankful that I am still alive.  Thankful that God saved me...thankful that I was born!!!  God can redeem anything, even the most unfair things.  He can heal the deepest wounds and make what seems like a worthless life into something amazing and wonderful.  Because of what God has done in my life, I know that he is capable of all things.  He can bring life where there is death, and turn the darkness to light!

I am thankful that God created me, that he saved me...and that he LOVES me!

Life's not fair...

Someone used to say to me (quite often) "life's not fair"...  Maybe that is true, but this phrase takes on a more sinister meaning when it's being used by someone who is causing pain and "unfairness" on purpose.  Being a bully and defending it with "life's not fair" is not...well, it's not fair. 

But sometimes it seems like *life* is the bully.  Just surviving it can take all you have...life can leave you beaten and bloody and huddled in a corner somewhere wondering what could possibly come next.

Tonight, during worship, I felt so totally unable to feel any connection with God.  Nothing.  It felt like there was this barrier when I would try to sing and every time the words of a song would speak of loving God...my eyes would fill with tears.  Finally I was like, what is going on God?  Why am I feeling this way?  So torn, like I want to worship you, but can't.  And why does any song about loving you make me start crying???

I sat for a little bit with my feelings (something that can be rather difficult) and then all the sudden had this huge realization.  I suddenly felt this anger...not just irritation...but the huge anger that comes when something totally unjust has happened and you are left with these broken pieces of yourself.  As soon as I found the anger I had this thought "how can I love God when I am so angry at him?"

It is surprising to me that I can have such a huge anger at God and not be constantly aware of it.  It's like the screaming, sobbing, throwing things kind of anger.  As soon as I found this anger, I kept hearing in my head "life's not fair"  - a long time ago, those words came to mean this to me: anyone can do whatever they want to me and there is nothing I can do about it. 

I used to believe that God was, at the very least, indifferent to my pain; and at the very worst... happy that I was hurting...that he was happy that "life's not fair".  But here is the truth: God's heart is broken for the hurting.  He does not choose some of us to throw to the wolves; turning his back as we are ripped apart over and over again...his heart breaks every time we are hurt and he weeps over our pain and the injustice of it.

Sin in this world creates so much pain.  I still wish there was a better explanation for the "why" but this is it.  Sin has corrupted some people's hearts so much that they do horrible things.  And that hurts God...his heart aches for all the ones being hurt.  There is more though...his heart also aches for the ones inflicting the pain.  He wants to be able to comfort and heal both.  

My anger is real, but it is misplaced.  Some things should never happen, some things cause so much pain that it seems like it should be impossible...like it can't exist.  If that doesn't make sense; I'm sorry but I can't explain it any other way.  My anger is at the injustice...at the fact that such pain can even exist in reality.  The good part is that God is big enough to handle my anger; the best part is that he loves me regardless.  His love for me is not hinged on my love for (or lack of anger at) him. 

Life's not fair...but God is amazing!  He is all powerful and can heal even the pain that seems impossible.  More importantly...He  WILL heal even the impossible pain.  I am thankful for his healing and redeeming power.

Making sensory bottles

This week has been great!  When I first came here, I had some ideas for items I wanted to have in my classroom - but these last 3 1/2 months have flown by and all the extras were forgotten.  This really has been such a huge adjustment...and I feel like my life is finally settling into a routine  :)   so...this week I got started on one of those things I had planned back before arriving here in Tanzania.

First I raided the craft supplies that we have at school.  I brought home anything I thought I could use.  I grabbed plastic beads, pipe cleaners, some sequins...and then while I was digging through one box... I found GLITTER!  I snagged some toy dinosaurs from the preschool playroom and also found some foam alphabet stickers.  My plan was to make some awesome Sensory Bottles (I've also heard them called Exploration Bottles and Discovery Bottles). 

A friend gave me enough empty water bottles to complete one for each of my students and I got started! 

I picked through the beads and sequins to make a red bottle and a blue bottle.  I also made a couple of bottles with only 2 or 3 colors in them, but the rest were just random colors.  I added at least a handful of beads to each bottle to add to the movement and colors.

One great thing about the beads is, as they move around in the bottle you can hear and feel them hitting each other or the bottle - which addes to the enjoyment for the kids.

I knew the dino bottles would be a favorite for all the kids!  I made four different bottles with dinosaurs in them, two with rice and two with water.  These dinosaurs are perfect because they are small and flexible, so I was able to squeeze them into the bottle opening!






Most of the bottles are filled with water, but I wanted to do a few with rice as well.  I may go back later and use colored rice, but I wanted to make the bottles now (not later) and I know dying the rice would take some time.  I want to share a little about the rice bottles because I had some problems with them and after a few different tries I think I got the hang of it. 

 After a couple of bottles that didn't work at all because they were too full...and then because I had too many dinosaurs and they couldn't move easily, then another that I didn't like because it was only dinos and no color...  Here is what I came up with. 

I put a little rice in the bottom...

 and then I added some dinosaurs...

I alternated adding a couple of inches of rice and a couple of dino toys. 

I stopped with a few inches of room left and it was perfect!  The rice can move, and with a little work the kiddos will be able to search for dinosaurs and "eggs"  :)     I like the colored beads being in the bottle and I think the kids will love counting the dino eggs  :)

For the water filled bottles, I did so many variations.  I especially like the ones with the "snow" confetti in it.  I found some super chunky "opalescent" glitter and it made me think of snow.  When I put it in the bottles with water it made a cool effect.  It's bigger than the other glitter so, instead of rushing to the top or bottom of the bottle, it drifts slowly through the water. 



I used these fun foam alphabet stickers in a few of the bottles.  They are really tiny, and I was worried about how I would get the glue off the back without messing up the sticker (and honestly I was not looking forward to spending a bunch of time "de-stickying" so many small stickers) but the good news is the African heat had dried out the glue anyway...all I had to do was remove the paper back and voila...no sticky :)




Here is an example of one of the water filled bottles; they were super easy and fast.  I added the glitter, and then the beads and other items.  I used a funnel and added lots of the chunky glitter, but with the regular glitter I used maybe a 1/4 a teaspoon and no funnel.

I used filtered water in my second batch, because the tap water seemed a little cloudy in some of the first bottles.  I filled the water almost all the way to the top and then (after drying the outside) glued the lid on.  I used Elmer's glue because that's all I have, but I am going to look for some super glue to have on hand in case the Elmer's doesn't hold.

Some of the items I used were:
Pipe cleaners - corkscrew around a pen, expand it a little & cut them short - they're perfect!
Colored straws cut into approximately 1/2 inch lengths
Sequins of all colors, shapes & sizes
Plastic beads - again...all shapes, colors & sizes
Plastic dinosaurs (fun!)
Lots of glitter!
Pom poms - the colorful ones you buy at the craft store for kid's crafts


I tried feathers and they did not work out at all.  I was hoping it might look cool and kind of fan out (you know, like your hair does in the pool) once it got in the water...but it looked...well, like a wet feather.

One last tip: don't use the super fine glitter.  The small glitter worked fine, but the super tiny glitter clumps up in the water and doesn't mix well no matter what :/ 


So - that's a lot of pictures - but here are the best ones!  My kids playing with the bottles :)  They LOVED them!!!  Some of the kids sat on the floor and rolled the bottle back and forth with a friend.  The bottles were definitely a hit!!!

 

I am so pleased that I was able to make these without even having to go to the store...or wait for any supplies from America!  Everything I needed was available because people have brought craft supplies to our school in the past!  Now...for my next project I might need some things from America...still working on that :)

A little more...

I posted on Facebook the other day about missing home.  I felt like God wanted me to share a little more about that.  I post the happy, fun things…but not all the tears.  And I don’t think God necessarily wants me to post *all* the tears – but I did feel like, with this, he is telling me to share a little more.  I was really struggling emotionally over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I cried…a lot.  My eyes were sore from all the crying, and my heart ached.  You know that pain that you have in your heart when you are grieving…that is what I was feeling.  I was just feeling like I would give anything to be able to hug some people…to be able to stay up late talking and watching a movie and laughing…and I would still love to do those things. 

But…someone emailed me saying they were praying for me (I always appreciate that) and when I was writing the reply…I started writing about how I know that this is where God wants me right now.  How I know in my heart that I am walking out the plan that he has for my life at this time.  I was also sharing how I believe, more than ever, that God has plans for me here long term…that it’s not just for these 10 months but for much longer…and how that is exciting and a bit overwhelming all at the same time.  The point I am getting to is this: as I wrote that reply…I was being reminded of the things that God has spoken to me and the promises that he has shown me in my life and I felt this renewed sense of purpose.  The pain I was feeling faded away and was replaced with this surge of joy and excitement and wonder over what God has done in my life and where he has brought me.  I know I have mentioned so many times how God has changed my life, but if you could see how my life used to be and compared to what it is now…it is more than amazing to me.  But that’s another story…

So…while I am still very much missing some people and would be so thrilled to be able to see them…I also could not be happier than I am right now.  I think that the grieving process is normal, and a part of any life change this big.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with the emotions I have been feeling.   I think I have shared a little before that I have struggled with this idea in my mind that if I had a good enough relationship with God then I wouldn’t have “negative” emotions…only good ones.  I am learning from this to drop even more of my religious ideas (that I don’t’ even realize are there most of the time) that if I’m doing this “Christian thing” right…I won’t feel sad or down or lonely or have that awful ache in my heart. 

Life is an amazing adventure as long as you are breathing…I had this same view of life before I moved halfway across the globe.  I am so thankful that I get to experience this adventure with the joy that only God can provide…and I am thankful that he is there to comfort me when my heart hurts.  I am thankful that he is helping me to let go of the things that have gotten in the way of me having a deeper relationship with him.  :)