Instant coffee & other highlights from week one!

If you have known me very long…you know this about me... I am horrible about taking pictures :/  Well, I guess that’s not entirely true, because when I had Zorah (my sweet, adorable, so cuddly puppy) I would take tons of photos of her…you have probably been subjected to…I mean, had your life enriched by…them on Facebook in the past – but photos of things that other people might find important…not so much.  My friend Jon would say “too busy living life to document it” but sometimes, I kind of reprimand myself and ask “why don’t you take more photos???”  Ah well…maybe I will have breakthrough in this area one day…

Actually, I do have some pictures of my first week here in Moshi!  There’s this can of coffee…I was super excited about finding this instant coffee since I didn’t have any other means of creating coffee at the time…

Instant coffee! 

This picture of our guard dog Settie…she is super sweet, but not to be messed with…I personally witnessed the torture of a lizard…and found a deceased hedgehog – both crossed her path (no doubt attempting to murder us as we slept) but neither live to tell about it. 

She probably heard the rustle of a lizard (they're everywhere)

Oh, and these bananas!  We bought them at a roadside stand and they are delicious because they are tiny.  Not that their cuteness makes them taste better, it just so happens that God made the cutesy bananas yummier.

The smallest ones are the sweetest!

I also photographed these ants…they love to invade the wall, doorpost, ceiling – travelling by the hundreds…they are tiny and I had already given up at trying to get rid of them by the middle of my first week.  I quickly realized that I could use hundreds of dollars worth of poison…and they would still come. 

:/

So I guess I do take plenty of photos…just not of the stuff that people really want to see.  :)

The things I didn’t take pictures of…oh, there’s so many.  And thinking of them…I believe I know why I don’t do well taking pictures of some things.  The first thing I thought of that I didn’t photograph…was the moment that I walked down the steps; off the plane at Kilimanjaro.  The way the air looked, and felt, and how thrilled I was!  Thrilled isn’t good enough, but I don’t know a word for how excited I was in that moment.  How I felt like I was walking off that plane and into a future that God prepared for me before I was ever even created!  How can I take a picture of that? 

I did take a couple of pictures when I went to the dentist the other day…we drove through some jungle areas and up the mountain to get to the hospital and the view when I walked out of the hospital was breathtaking!  I took a picture (several actually) and when I showed them to someone later, those pictures did not make my heart happy at all.  They looked so dull and not at all like what I remembered.  I think there are just some things you can’t photograph.

Back to my first week…I think I could do a separate blog about each experience.  My first time seeing my classroom, all the boxes stacked up and the dusty shelves, how empty it looked and how excited I was to see what it would look like by the end of the week!  One of the first things I did was open the boxes and start putting books on my shelves.  I pictured myself reading those books to the children that would be in my class.  I thought to myself, over and over, what if I don’t know what I’m doing?  What if I don’t teach them the right things?  What if I just don’t do a good job?  Every time those thoughts came, I would just remind myself that Jesus was standing right there with me, and that God brought me here.  All the way from Louisiana…and surely HE knows what he’s doing.

As I started filling the shelves and seeing all the wonderful things that I could use for lessons, reading through the books on teaching preschoolers, reading through the curriculum…I only got more and more excited.  My worries just sort of… stopped coming up as much.  Then a few days into that first week I found out that I would be teaching a science class to some older kids.  All the sudden I was overwhelmed with doubt and wondering if I could actually do this.  I mean, I knew I could do it, but could I do it well enough?  I got a stack of books, sat down at a table and reminded myself that Jesus was sitting there with me.  By the end of that day I had a plan for my first week.  I found out that night that one of the other teachers was teaching the same exact topic to some younger kids and she was so helpful and shared books and even her lesson plans with me to help me get started!  (ps…this class is now one of my favorite parts of the day!)

On Wednesday night we went to Ryan and Stacy’s for worship – they are the couple that I would call our “hosts” here.  That night...I went home and cried because I missed home so much.  Just the atmosphere during worship made me think of how much I missed my church family.  The next day, I made my first trip to Union Café, and I got to use the internet for the first time.   

Getting to “talk” (text) with friends back home was exactly what I needed.  Being able to connect with them, even for just one hour, made my day and helped with the homesickness.  By Friday, I had my classroom ready for the first day of school.  When we left school that day…I thought to myself that before I knew it... I would be going home a week from then thinking of what a great first week we’d had.  How true that was!

A picture of my classroom after a week of preparation!

Ok…I know this is long – but I like words, and I use them quite proficiently  :)   I wish I could share every new experience along with the joy and excitement that God has filled me with as I get to take part in this adventure!

Nothing is impossible

I have wanted to make a blog post for two days now…but when I stop to think “what will I write?” the answer is…”I don’t know.”  So I am just going to start typing and see what comes out…

The thoughts that keep rolling around in my mind over and over have to do with how much I need God…how very necessary my relationship with him is.  How only HE can take the pieces of a shattered life and create something entirely new and unbelievable.  How only HE can take someone totally broken and (seemingly) worthless and recreate their life.  But what is the one necessary “ingredient” that only we (as that broken, “worthless” person) have to put into it?  Willingness. 

So…when is it too late?  How far is “too far”?  Where is the cut-off?  When does God stomp his foot at us and say “that’s it…I’m done with you.”?  What sin pushes it over the edge and makes us so bad that God will turn away in disgust and refuse to forgive us?  I used to believe I was there…too far gone, but God has dramatically changed my life…so who can he *not* do that for?

I heard someone talk this weekend about “nothing is impossible” and how that relates to people.  He talked about the value and destiny in each person’s life.  At first I thought “yeah, that’s good” and then I felt God asking me if there was anyone that I didn’t feel that way about.  At first I was like “no!  I believe that all people are valuable and that everyone has a destiny”, but I kept feeling God pushing me on that question.  Then I thought of someone.  And my first reaction was “God, that’s not fair…you know how  that person is and that they won’t ever change”.  I felt God ask me…”so what if they don’t…do you believe they have a destiny to fulfill…a purpose...value?”

Wow…it really hurt to see what anger and bitterness (that I honestly thought I had dealt with) towards a person has done in my heart.  When someone hurts you repeatedly…it’s instinct to shut them out and protect yourself…and, just to be clear,  I would never imply that God doesn’t want us to protect ourselves from physical harm.  But there is this deeper thing that happens, without us even making an effort we make these determinations about that person.  They are ________ (fill in the blank…worthless, bad, never going to change, not worth my time, mean, horrible, evil).  And then our heart becomes hardened towards them.  I’m sure I am not the only one who has walked down this road…so I probably can stop there with how we start to feel about that person.

So…this person that God keeps bringing up to me…can I love them?  Pray for them?  Truly, honestly desire good things for them?  Pray for them to know how much God loves them…and mean it?  I can, but it hurts.  Why does it hurt my heart so much?  I think it’s because I have used this anger and bitterness to cover up the hurt that I felt, and when I allow God’s love for that person to come into my heart…the hurt that I never fully dealt with is uncovered.  I know that only God can heal that hurt…and I know that he will as I continue to hand it over to him.

I will be honest, there is a part of me that wants to stomp my foot (well…throw an all-out fit is more like it) and tell God “it’s not fair to ask me to love that person.  It’s not fair…why did you have to uncover this?  Why couldn’t it just stay there…it wasn’t hurting anyone!”  True…it wasn’t hurting the one who hurt me…but God loves me so much that he is unwilling to leave these things covered up…things that I didn’t even know were there.  Like I said, I thought I had dealt with the anger and bitterness…I thought it was gone…but he showed me a hidden area that had taken root in my heart.  It wasn’t affecting my daily life…wasn’t making me sad or angry or depressed or anything at all…but he loves me *too much* to just leave it.  It’s like infection that has come in after a surgery…it’s small…contained…not affecting much of anything, but eventually it will grow and take ground…invading everything around it.

So I come all the way back to what I started with…what do I have to “do” for God to change my life?  I have to take his outstretched hand and agree to follow him…even when it’s painful.  I have to agree to partner with him and seek HIM first, above all other things.  Someone once said to me “God is a gentleman, he will never force you.”  I believe that God wants amazing things for every single one of us…he has a breath-taking destiny and JOY for each of us…but he will not force us to walk in it, he gives us a choice.  And one last thing…the answer to “when is it too late, too much?”; it’s not…ever.  It’s never too late as long as you are still breathing and thinking.  God has his hand out, asking you to take it.  It’s never too late to accept his life altering love for you.

A funny thing happened at the Kilimanjaro airport...

So I want to share my first moments in Kilimanjaro...

First of all...my flight got in an hour early...an event which is apparently unheard of :)   Second, I had every intention of asking Ryan and Stacy (my Moshi contacts) about my visa and what to do when I arrived...but...I forgot.  Third...I made this trip with $0 in cash.  :/

So...my flight lands, I'm thrilled...excited to be so close to my final destination!  I get my carry-on and make my way across the landing strip into the airport.  There are two lines “I have a visa” and “I need a visa”.  I stand there for a second trying to decide on a line.  I know Ryan was going to get a visa for me…but I don’t have it in my hand…so maybe I should go to the “I need a visa line”.  But, what if Ryan has my visa?  Where is Ryan?  Does he know the flight was early?  I find a guard and explain my situation and ask if I can go see if my friends are waiting for me.  He says no, that I need to pay $100 for my visa. 
  
Ok…that was the moment that I realized that I didn’t have any cash.  :/  (the realization was accompanied by a slight sinking feeling)   I asked if I could use my debit card and he laughed and told me no…ok…I asked if they had an ATM and he said no again.  So…what to do?   I tell him I think my friends will have the money for my visa but I need to go check to see if they are here.  He says “so you have no money?” I say no.  He asks for my passport and I show it to him.  He takes it and walks away saying “I will go ask”.  Uh oh, now I have no money and no passport.  Inside…I am starting to really feel some anxiety building up.  I am exhausted, I have no money, I have no passport, I am an hour early with no way to contact anyone for help!  I told God “I need help!”.  He told me to stay calm.  I made my way over to one of the tables, telling my spirit to be at peace and to know that God is taking care of me and providing all my needs.  I started texting…praying that someone would be awake at 7 am on a Saturday.  Kristina came through for me!!!  I explained what was going on, asked her to pray for peace and then sent her Ryan and Stacy’s phone numbers.  Then I waited…

I just kept reminding myself “God knows what I need and will provide it” and I reminded my spirit a couple of times that I had chosen peace and was refusing to allow anxiety to overwhelm me.  I kept praying, asking the Holy Spirit to help me stay in peace and to help me know that I was not alone.  By this time, thirty minutes have passed and I am the only passenger left in the airport.  Several employees have greeted me with a “Jambo” but I haven’t seen the guard who took my passport.  I am beginning to wonder if Kristina was unable to get through to Ryan or Stacy when I get a text saying Ryan is on his way and will be here in about ten minutes!  

A while later I hear someone call out my name…it’s a guard telling me someone is here for me!!!  They allow me to go get my visa money from Ryan and then we’re in business.  From there it was only a matter of about five minutes to have my passport stamped.  I was so relieved!  It didn’t take long to get everything loaded up and then we were on the road…less than an hour from finally being in Moshi!!!

I want to share this whole experience for two reasons 1) it’s funny and 2) less than a year ago I would have been in tears and completely unable to stay in a place of peace during an ordeal like this.  God has spent this last year teaching me how to choose peace, or joy, or thankfulness over the alternatives.  I think of how God has patiently walked me through lessons about controlling my emotions instead of letting them control me, and some of the revelations I have received about the negative emotions I used to be enslaved by.  

I used to have debilitating depression and anxiety.  I had to take several medications every day just to be able to function, and to keep the panic attacks at a manageable level.  The thought of being able to tell anxiety to leave me alone because I have chosen peace would have been a joke.  The story of my arrival in Kilimanjaro is funny, and I have laughed about it quite a bit, but it also brings this quiet awe into my spirit.  

God loves me so much that it wasn’t enough to just get me to a place where I didn’t need the medicine anymore.  It wasn’t enough to just get me to the place where I could know what peace and joy felt like.  He loves me so much that He invited me to walk with Him through the hard places of overcoming the anxiety to the point where I could stand in an airport in a foreign country, all alone with no money or guarantee that I would get what I needed, and say “I choose to be in peace.”  This is profound to me…His love wants to empower me, not just get me to a place of being ok.  Every time I think of the level of anxiety that was trying to overcome me during this experience…and the fact that I was able to stay in a place of peace and comfort…I am just so thankful for the transformation that God has made possible in my life.  He is so amazingly wonderful!!!

Here I am!

I had wonderful plans to have this blog started before I ever left the United States…I even sat down to create my blog before I left…but every title that I tried was taken.  Naming a thing means a lot to me so I couldn’t just choose any name.  I prayed about it and tried the day after my first failed attempts; still no winner.  Then I had to board that first flight and I figured “I will do it when I get there”, never knowing that it would be almost two weeks before I had internet!  

So here I am, two weeks in to this wonderful adventure…and I still haven’t created a blog!  I just sat down to get the blog going and the internet has crashed again; so I am just creating my first post so that when I have access again I can get going.  

I wish I could detail every day of my first two weeks here.  Well, technically I haven’t yet been in Moshi for an entire two weeks…but it’s close.  When I was first flying into Tanzania…I looked out the window over Dar Es Salaam and my thought was “I’m home!”  It was an amazing feeling.  After all the hours (days) flying; I was only a few more hours from Moshi!  

Not perfect...but it's my first picture of Moshi!

On every flight, and even during the time spent waiting to make connecting flights, God brought a new friend into my life.  I had 13 hours in Doha, Qatar and as I was landing there I had the thought that this would be a lonely 13 hours and I prayed that I wouldn’t be too sad or too lonely.  After a couple of hours at the airport courtesy desk and immigration; I was on my way to a hotel.  A woman sat next to me on the shuttle and asked where I was from and where I was going…God brought me a friend!  Angeline was a Catholic sister, originally from Kenya, on her way back to Spain after a holiday in her home town.  We were being put up at the same hotel!  We shared dinner and talked for a couple of hours; before going to our rooms Angeline told me that she had prayed that she wouldn’t be too lonely on this stop over, and was thankful that God had brought me to her.  I had a moment of amazement, because since praying that same thing myself it had left my mind and I hadn’t had time to be lonely.  God answered both of our prayers with each other.  He is so good that way!  In that moment I was so humbled to see how God not only provided comfort through a friend during the stop over, but also provided comfort to my spirit to the point that I forgot that I had even been worried about feeling lonely!!!  

 Ok…internet is up for the moment and God has given me the perfect address for this blog.  This morning I went to make coffee and I saw this mug in the cabinet for the first time.

Yes!  :)

I'm sitting here typing, drinking out of this cup and reading the verse on the back "For I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine"  Isaiah 43:1 and thinking how appropriate this is for my life...and suddenly it hits me...that's my blog name!!!  That's why none of the other ones worked!  God is so wonderful  :)  

Thank you for reading and for joining me on this life changing adventure!!!