Today...

Today, during worship, I didn't stand and sing like I usually do.  I walked in after worship had already started, found a seat, and just sat in it.  I checked my Facebook (because I hadn't in like 30 minutes ya know) and then drank some water... then I just closed my eyes and started talking to Jesus.

Jesus rather quickly told me to just be quiet.  So I did. 

I was sitting there with my eyes closed, trying to be quiet...which is hard...because I like to talk and I don't particularly enjoy silence - especially in my mind.  There's always something going on up there...  I'm usually thinking about at least one thing (ok, let's be real...more like three things) and singing a song of some sort...planning out the next thing I will look up on Google.

But I did my best not to speak... ahem, think... and after a few moments of silence I began to see this picture.  I saw a hand, a left hand to be exact, and it was holding the tiniest little dot of light between the thumb and forefinger.  Before I could even wonder what this was...God began to speak to me about my creation.  He began telling me about how, during my creation, He considered many things.  He thought about how I would be, what I would look like, how tall I would be, the color of my hair and eyes....

Then I did speak ask Him something... something I have asked Him on many occasions... usually while I am sobbing and my heart feels broken - but today I asked Him out of curiosity - not from a place of pain or blame - but just because I want to know "Why did you make me?  Knowing all that would happen to me, why did you still make me?"

He said "I made you because I saw your beauty, and I couldn't leave you as your were.  I considered the cost.  I weighed the cost of your pain, what it would cost me, and I decided that it was worth it."

There was a sudden flash of...something...in me.  I asked Him "Cost you???  It cost me!!"

He quickly answered me "Your suffering is not only a cost to you.  I have paid a high price, because I have suffered with you.  I suffer greatly when children are hurt.  In the moment that I held your light in my hand, I knew everything that would happen to you, I knew what I would suffer for you, and I decided that you were worth it.  It was worth it all to have a relationship with you, to have you look at me with love.  I didn't just see those things, I also saw the choices you could make, I saw I saw your journey...I saw what you could become."

Let me stop here and say that I have struggled in the past with feeling worthless...I believed growing up that I was a mistake, an accident, a pariah - unwanted and unloved.  I'm not being dramatic here, just really stinkin vulnerable.

Now, it's been a while since I felt worthless.  The more I have learned to see myself the way God sees me - the less those thoughts and feelings have plagued me.  But God knows...He sees when there's even a speck of that old lie still floating around inside. 

This entire encounter was something that I frequently pray for the ones I love...it was an encounter with The Living God, Creator of the universe that left me so profoundly aware of His great love for me that I am changed. 

God did not just throw me together, put His breath in my lungs and then go on about His way.  He carefully considered the cost - both of the evil things that would be done to me, and the evil things that I would do - He was intentional and thoughtful.  He looked at the timeline of my life...looked at the roads that would be available for me to take (or not take) and in the end He chose to create me because it was worth it, I was worth it.  He looked forward to the possibility of a relationship with me and saw it as a beautiful thing.  He looked at me and saw beauty...not a stain. 

I understand that some will read this and think it's crazy...although they probably won't get this far.  That's ok... this was a deeply personal experience between God and myself.  It's actually a bit difficult to share because - with something that means so much to me...it's hard to make it vulnerable to others.  But, once again, God has asked me to share this part of it.  The rest is just between me and Him for now.

But here's the one thing you have to remember... This conversation could have been between God...and you.  Because you are this valuable to Him...He considered you just as deeply and decided you were worth it.  He looked forward to a relationship with you.

Every person on this earth is that valuable to Him...
I guess I will share this one last thing... if you've read this far...
you can share this one other thing with me...
after all our talking, when I was feeling so loved and valuable and wonderful...God told me
"I weighed the cost with them too" (referring to the ones who are responsible for all the suffering I mentioned earlier) when He said that I started crying all over again.
He said "I saw it all, I saw what they could become...I saw the cost of the suffering I would endure for them...and I decided that they were worth it."

I'm crying now even as I write this.  I've shared about my struggles with forgiveness... and I was praying about that very thing just last night.
God used this whole thing to show me how much He values me...but also how much He values them. No one is worthless to God.  If they were worthless, if they were incapable of having value to God - He wouldn't have created them.

This is a hard place to end this... but I don't have a whole lot more to say on this subject right now.  If you read all the way to the end...I'll say thank you because I know this was long and probably a bit choppy... I hope that it encourages you in some way...
It has changed me.
It still is changing me.



   

A wrong turn...

Today I had a pretty incredible experience...  I took a wrong turn while I was driving!!!  :)  I know...it doesn't sound *that* incredible.  But let me tell you what made this such an awesome experience...

I was actually in the process of having a conversation with God (I like to talk to Him out loud while I'm driving sometimes) about hearing Him, about how I really want to listen for Him and hear, clearly, what He is saying to me.  I was headed to a place that I needed GPS for so I just used the map on my phone and I had it set so that it would tell me, out loud, when to turn, how far to travel, etc.  

So I was just driving and talking, and I took an exit to switch from one interstate to another.  My GPS didn't tell me to do this...I was just distracted and in the back of my mind I thought this was the direction I needed to go.  Well... almost as soon as I took this exit - it hit me - this is the wrong way!!! But there was nothing I could do...except follow this interstate and take the first available exit, turn around and get back on the correct interstate, all the while listening to my phone tell me to turn around and go back to the route.  This little detour added 7 minutes onto what was approximately a 20 minute drive.  To me...that is notable because it was a pretty small detour in terms of miles, but... that's 1/3 of the original travel time.  That's a long delay for such a small mistake...but then that could open up a whole other blog post...

So back to my travels...I get back on the correct path and I am having this mind blowing revelation about what just happened and how it correlates to the conversation I was having with God... at the moment it happened!  I see this parallel in my mind of how this is similar to listening for God, following His lead towards point A, and then staying on that course until I reach point A...but somewhere along this course God gave new directions...I was supposed to take a left and redirect to point B...but at the beginning I heard God and He said point A...so I'm headed to point A.  I heard Him, I did...He said point A...but that was to get me headed in the right direction...He was still talking to me and I missed it while I was so focused on following Him to that original destination.  

This is still sort of rolling around in my mind right now; I'm seeing more and more layers of it.  How this has played out in my life at times...and how I have (on occasion) been so confused thinking..."but I heard God!" and feeling like I'd made some mistake...maybe I didn't really hear God...maybe I'm crazy.   But I did hear God, I just set my eye on that first destination and didn't quite hear when God course-corrected.  And here's one more thing...even in my failure to hear his redirection...my heart's true desire was to follow him!  I was actively trying to follow him...yet may end up feeling like I missed it altogether. 

One more thing...I also want to make sure that when I am hearing God...it's really Him and not me.  Because I think sometimes when I get that first set of coordinates (if only it was that set in stone lol)..and I start going...later when I go back to Him and ask if I should continue - I am so set on the direction I've been heading that when I hear "continue" its really coming from me...not from God.  And then...I may end up wondering if I ever really got that from God at all...or was it me all along?? 

Hearing from God...and knowing that it's Him... is all about relationship.  I guess it's sort of like any friendship...the more time you spend talking to a person, the more you know them.  You know how, with a close friend (someone you know really well)...if someone came to you and told you they said something - but it was totally out of character for that person - you would immediately know it?   I feel it's the same way with God.  Now... I'm definitely still learning and growing in this...and I have  lot of room for improvement, but it's something that I am trying to cultivate because it is so important to me to follow His plan for my life.

I love how God seeks to communicate with us...we only need to listen and cultivate that relationship... because that's so easy right?  Part of my reason for sharing this, is that I struggle to properly care for and cultivate my relationship with God.  I'll be honest, it's easy for time to fly by and I haven't opened my Bible or really dedicated any of my time to God...and I feel bad about that.  I struggle with guilt over it...but I am trying to do better.  

AI believe that what God wants...is my willing heart...and He has it :) 

It's not fair...

Tonight, during worship at church, I started talking to God about an issue I'm facing. I've been asking Him what action to take about a specific issue...and I hadn't gotten an answer yet.  So I sat down...and asked "what do you want me to do" 

Mostly God talks to me through pictures.  Tonight was no different, and I didn't like the picture I saw.  I had a very specific idea of how I wanted God to answer me... ever been there?  Asking for an answer...but you've already got the answer that you desire packaged up...and nothing else will really do?  At least it feels like nothing else will do...

The truth is..my heart is His...and He knows it.  I am not perfect, by any means.  I am human and that very fact means that I am given to error, but my heart is His and He knows I will follow (eventually).  So I told God...I don't like this...I don't want to do this...but... I will do whatever you want me to do - no matter how much I don't want to.  But God...I need your help.

Then I started feeling all these emotions... I sat there, crying, telling God I was angry at Him.  Angry because I feel that what He is asking me to do isn't fair.  It's NOT FAIR!  Seriously...I felt like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.  My body was shaking with the anger that was so alive in me...and I told God I felt He was betraying me...throwing my hurt and pain away and turning His back on me when clearly He should be taking my side in this!

And then God told me "it's not about fair...it's about relationship" 

Guys - tonight...I almost audibly heard the words God was speaking to me.  I have never before experienced such a tangible clarity in hearing from God...and I think it's because He knew that I wouldn't hear Him on this any other way.  My faith for what He was saying...wasn't there.  My expectation was so set on that nice little answer I had gift-wrapped (ya know, so He could hand it to me all nice and pretty and painless?) that I needed that kind of clarity.

 While I was explaining to Him how unfair this was (clearly...it is unfair in the natural...even He didn't argue with me on that point) He said several things.  I want to share some of our conversation
I told him "It's not fair! You should be angry on my behalf.  I have a right to be angry!"
He said to me "It's not about fair...it's about relationship.  I am about relationship...not tearing apart"
I told him "this is going to end in me being hurt... again"
He said to me "I am not doing this to hurt you.  I wouldn't have you be hurt again"
I told him "This is not fair!!!"  (In case He didn't hear me maybe...)
He said to me "Do you trust me"
and I said... "No"

There's the truth of it.  In this particular situation...I don't trust God to have my back, to protect me, to bring beauty from ashes, to turn darkness to light...all those things He does on a daily basis.  But along with that lack of trust (which is rooted in a lie somewhere) I also have the knowledge and awareness that I CAN trust God, that He always cares about me.  See, I know that lack of trust is rooted in a lie because it goes against what I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD.  

So...here's to walking it out... to following His plan not mine... to speaking His words when mine sound better to me... to resting in His peace when there is chaos all around... to doing something that goes against every logical thought in my mind.  His way is better, I have to trust that.  His way brings redemption and healing and love and...every good and perfect thing there is. 

So God...I will do what you want me to do, even though I don't want to, I just need your help. 

Feels like home...

Well...I've been in the US for a week now!

All at once it seems like I just got here...and like I've been here for a lot longer than a week.

Last summer was my first visit back to the US after living in Tanzania... I arrived here knowing the date I would return to Tanzania and what I would be doing when I returned there.

This summer... I don't know.  I don't have a date for when I will return.  That is sort of up to God.  I'm pretty certain of what I will be doing when I return...but even that is not 100% sure.  I don't know where I will be living... or even where I will stay while I find my own home.

There are a lot of unknowns, but I won't get into all that right now.  What I'm thinking of with this post is the strange feeling of having two places that feel like home.

I have lived in Tanzania for the past two years and from the moment I arrived there it has felt quite like home to me.  When I leave there...I feel I am leaving my home.  I miss my friends and family and remind myself I will see them soon.

I have spent most of my life living in Louisiana...considerably longer than the amount of time I have spent in Tanzania...and coming here, well... it feels like coming home.  I am excited to see the friends and family I have been missing for so long!  It's sort of an odd place to be in...I am leaving home...to come home.

The thing that makes Tanzania home...is the people.  The wonderful friends and family that I have there that make me feel loved and welcome and let me know they are happy for me to be there.

The thing that makes Louisiana home...is the people.  :)  For the same... exact... reason!   

You know what that tells me?  It tells me that it's possible to have a lot more than two places that feel like home  :)   I think that's pretty awesome!

Here it is...

Here it is again...the end.

The end of a set period of time.  Teaching has measured out my life in a way that I never experienced when I was working in an office.  The end of school is sort of like the end of the year...it leaves me in a state of reflection before the beginning of something new.

There are all these thoughts running through my mind about where I was at the beginning of the school year compared to where I am now.  Thinking of all the changes that have taken place in my life, my heart, and my mind over the past 10 months along with the memories and experiences that I have gained in that time.  .

Sometimes it can begin to seem like I'm just living life and nothing much is happening...days run together into weeks and then months...and then almost an entire year has passed.  As the days run together into a lifetime, some moments stand out. You know those moments that feel life-changing?  Sometimes you see it as it's happening, sometimes you see it when you look back...but they are always there.

Those moments can feel sudden, like something just clicked into place all at once...but in reality there have been all these smaller moments, going unnoticed, that have led, step-by-step to that very noticeable life-altering moment. 

It can seem as if something comes from nothing...all in that moment.  But that's not really what's going on.  Right now, I feel as if several things are falling into place in my life in areas where I have had quite a bit of uncertainty, and as those things "fall into place" - with what seems like effortless grace - it can feel as if I have struggled through all this uncertainty and now suddenly it's just clicking. 

But during the uncertainty and the shifting, during the transformation that was happening so slowly that I didn't even see it... there were moments where I made choices.  I made a choice to go one direction instead of another, I made a choice to follow where I believed God was leading me instead of where I may have wanted to go, I made a choice to leave behind things that were comfortable and known in favor of following the path that I believe God is leading me on.

It's in those moments that the shift begins...it's in those moments of decision and choice that the life-altering moments (those ones that happen so suddenly, ya know?) are born.  Those life-changing moments really begin in the middle of the days where it seems as if life is just slowly passing by and maybe I'm not doing much.  Because really I'm doing a lot, even though it seems that I'm not doing much...I'm listening for God and I'm following His lead - and that's just about the biggest thing I can do.

So...here's to life-changing moments and a future that has been totally planned out by my loving Father!!!

God is good...

I was sitting here tonight thinking...God is good... and after that thought passed through my mind it was followed with the thought "God is good, even when life isn't".  Those two thoughts are what prompted all that follows  ;)

Sometimes things happen that just aren't fair.  I know, I know "life isn't fair" and we can't expect it to be... the word fair doesn't even really apply I guess, but... that's just the best way I know to describe some of the sad things that happen in life.

There are so many things in life that are just "not fair" - someone you love dies and you are left with a gaping hole in your life... you're faced with a devastating illness... a relationship falls apart... your family isn't there for you... this list could go on and on. 

I'm not facing any "unfair" things at the moment, but I know some people who are and it makes my heart sad for them.  I've faced plenty of unfair things in my life and I know it can be so hard to focus on anything other than the difficulty you are facing.

God *is* good.  Every single day, He is good and He is loving.  But when you are wading through the hard stuff...it's easy to become so focused on the pain of whatever quicksand is dragging you down, that you lose sight of the fact that God is still good and He has a wonderful plan for your life.

I've been there...I've been in a place where my circumstances sort of got on top of me and overwhelmed me (it wasn't just once either...it's happened a few times), we've all been there.  God created us to experience emotions, and when sad things happen...we will experience grief and all the other emotions that accompany those unfair things of life.

And here is the real point of this post - a verse that has been a great source of comfort to me at times when I was walking through some of those unfair life experiences...
Isaiah 43:2
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.

There have been times when I just read these verses and cried because that felt like all I could do in that moment.  I believe that in those moments where we can do nothing but cry...our tears are filled with all the words we are unable to speak...and God hears them.  I think that these verses perfectly describe those times that the unfairness of life has left me feeling overwhelmed.  I've had times when I literally felt I was drowning, so oppressed by sorrow and hurt that I wasn't sure I could continue breathing... If you've felt that way...do you see the description of that feeling here in these verses?

God is good...even when life isn't.  And when life isn't good...God is right there with us.  Walking alongside us.  He holds our head above the ocean of sorrow that threatens to drown us.  He protects us from the flames that would destroy us.  He is there with us no matter what is going on in our lives.  That doesn't mean the painful stuff doesn't hurt...it just means we have a good baba (Swahili for father) who holds us in His arms and comforts us when the hurt comes.

God has a plan...

This post got a bit more vulnerable than I expected... but I'm still sharing it.

Here lately I have found myself sharing a verse that brings me comfort: Isaiah 46:10.  This verse says "Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish" (NLT...cuz that's the version Bible my friend bought for me when I became friends with Jesus...so that's the one I usually memorize lol)

This verse comforts me in moments when I feel sad or overwhelmed or just uncertain about where I'm at in life, or what is to come.  Let me say this up front - I LOVE my life...I am not sad or confused about my life and I couldn't be happier.  If you've read any of my blogs, or have (pretty much) had any conversations with me...you know that God has completely transformed my life and I am beyond thankful for where my life is right now. 

But... there are things I desire that I don't have.  I want to be married, and I want a family and I desire these things a lot.  Today, I was watching my sweet kiddos play and suddenly this thought popped into my head "will I ever get to watch my own kids play?  Or will it always be other people's kids?" That's a tough question...one I've asked different versions of, many times.

I don't know the answer...I am hopeful that I will have my own family...but (obviously) I can't know the future.  I believe without a doubt that I will be married one day...but I don't know about kids.  That doesn't mean I won't have them...I have faith that God can do anything.  But I can't answer this question.

So...when thoughts like that pop into my head - as they do more frequently as the years pass... I have a choice.  I can focus on the unknown and the question - give in to sadness or longing... feel sorry for myself and angry that things haven't gone the way I wanted.  Or... I can focus on the one thing I can be sure of without a doubt.  God has a plan for my life.

I've gone through a lot of pain and sadness in the past, getting to a point where I can truly, honestly say that I am willing to follow God's plan for my life - even if it doesn't seem to be bringing the things that I so desire.  I have reached a point where I can say, with confidence, that no matter where God leads me and no matter what He has planned for my future...I will follow, and have joy!  I know this because I have found that when I follow Him, there is always joy.  Not that there is never sadness...but there is always joy!

Sometimes, sadness creeps in.  I look around and it's easy to feel rather alone at times.  I'm aware that I'm not alone in this...I'm not the only 30-something single woman wondering why on earth I'm not married yet...or wondering if I will ever hold a baby in my arms that I don't have to hand off to someone else... I'm not the only one to shed tears over this...but it can feel like it at times.  Thankfully the moments when sadness comes are infrequent...and don't usually last long...but they come.

The only comfort I have found is in the knowledge that God loves me...He loves me so much...and He wants good things for me.  That is something I can rely on no matter where I am in life.  I have found limitless joy in following Him and allowing Him to transform me more and more into the person HE says I am and I know that the joy will continue as I continue working with Him to transform my life even more! 

I have no idea when I will be married (I have an abundance of faith for this...I just have no clue when, where, who...all the questions) and I have no idea if I will have my own children... but I *do* know that God has a plan for my life, and whatever He has planned...will come to pass... and even though that plan may seem to me as if it's not matching up with my plan at all...I can know that it's good.

I can't put my trust in the unknown...but I can put my trust in the One who knows...He made plans for my life before the first human walked the earth...and He always makes good plans.