All from a tree...

Sometimes I feel like God speaks some pretty profound words through some not-so-profound situations/things. Today I was driving down a road that I walk every morning and I noticed something for the first time. There are these trees...who knows how old they are but they aren't young...and they have barbed wire through them. At some point, a barbed wire fence was swallowed by these trees and even though the fence is no longer there (in its original form at least) these pieces of barbed wire are a part of these trees now.

That image stuck with me the rest of the night. These trees are still living...still growing...still producing new leaves, new branches and seeds to create new trees...basically - these trees are still doing what God created them to do - they are are being trees. 

The barbed wire is still there...sticking out  and visible - but it doesn't prevent the tree from fulfilling its purpose as a tree.  I've had lots of "barbed wire" in my life - things that were painful and scarring. Some of those scars you can see with your eyes, but most you can't. The scars you can see don't bother me anymore...I honestly forget they are even there unless someone asks...but the invisible scars...those are the ones that still impact on my life on a daily basis. 

I used to believe that the damage created by that "barbed wire" had changed me in such a way as to make me incapable of some things...that it prevented me from being a certain way, or from having some things in my life.  But, just like those trees that continued growing in spite of the barbed wire, remained whole in spite of the barbed wire, and continued to fulfill their purpose as trees...in spite of the barbed wire... I have learned that in spite of the barbed wire in my life - I am still fully capable of fulfilling every purpose that God has placed inside of me. I am fully capable of being the person that God created me to be. 

All the lies that were rooted in my heart as a result of that barbed wire from my past had me convinced that I would never be able to give or receive love - and look at my life now. I LOVE with my whole heart and have amazing relationships with so many people.  Another lie was that I would never be happy/have joy - but my life is so filled with joy.  I love my life...I am so stinking happy!!  I won't list all the lies...but each one is just as false as the last. 

Basically...those trees just have me thinking of how - no matter what the barbed wire is in my life - no matter how bad a thing hurt in the past or hurts me now - I am still able to walk in and fulfill the destiny that God has planned out for my life. Nothing will keep me from that as long as I am keeping my eyes on him. No matter what pain you have had, or have now, nothing disqualifies you from God's plan for your life. 

He's always there...

Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that God loves you.  That God loves you and you are not alone.  That no matter how alone you feel...God *is* there with you.

Even in the darkest times when it seems impossible that God could be standing by your side...he is there.  And sometimes...that thought can make you angry. 

At least it's made me angry; very angry. It seems like, to me at least, if God is with me...then I shouldn't be hurting...I shouldn't be sad...I shouldn't be going through horrible things.  If God is with me...I should be safe. But...that's not how it works. 

I have struggled quite a bit with this issue and even now, when I am feeling sad or lonely - I sometimes get upset with God because it can feel unfair to be hurting when I am trying so hard to be obedient to him. But then I have to remind myself that fairness doesn't really enter into this equation. 

And then I remind myself that God loves me...and he is here with me even when I'm feeling sad or unsure of things. God is definitely not afraid of my emotions (thankfully) and whether I talk to him about my thoughts and fears - or try to hide them away - he knows what's going on in my heart. Better yet, he cares about what's going on in my heart. 

Sometimes I picture God looking at me the way that I look at my kids - he is so proud of me - not because I get it all right, not because I never make a mistake, but because I am learning and growing everyday.  He doesn't focus on my mistakes...he rejoices in my progress. 

He's ok with me feeling sad - it doesn't make him angry or disappointed. Sometimes...life is sad - and having a relationship with God doesn't make me immune from the sad things...it only promises me comfort and love in the midst of difficulty. 

So...I will remind myself that God is with me...and he loves me so very much...and I will feel thankful for his love and his presence. 

Another year, another birthday...

Yesterday was my birthday...and my day was so full that I didn't have time to do more than think about a blog post.

I realized something yesteryday - out of my last four birthdays - only one has been spent in the U.S.A.  January 11th, 2013 I was in Poipet, Cambodia - on my very first, ever mission trip...I remember how wonderful that day was and how I thought "I'll probably never spend another birthday outside the U.S."  Three years later...I'm having my second birthday here in Tanzania, and my third birthday outside the U.S.

I'm pretty sure that I said last year was my best birthday yet...but this year...it was my best birthday yet...and, you know what?  I think God delights in making each birthday more special than the last.

This year I spent my birthday with a big group of friends...we went to a hot spring about 2 hours from home and got to swim at one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen in my life.  It's breathtaking...this beautiful blue-green water that is so clear...you can see all the way to the bottom.  It's truly amazing and mind-blowing...to be so blessed that I get to witness something like that.  God is good.

In some ways this birthday felt different than past birthdays...I have this feeling of expectancy right now.  I feel like God is doing some huge things in my life and preparing the way for some even "hug-er" things :)

As 2015 came to an end and 2016 has been getting started...I am filled with excitement for what this year holds.  I have this feeling that big changes are coming...I don't know what they are, but I know God does and I know he's got great plans for me...so I'm thrilled to see what's coming.

The last time I felt this excited and expectant...I was 2 months away from finding out that I would be moving to Tanzania (not even knowing that moving here was even a possibility...just having that "something big is coming" feeling).  I am so excited to follow God on the path that he has for me and see what is in store.

This feels like a good time to share that...this past year God asked me to make a difficult choice.  I felt like God asked me to walk away from something that I really wanted...and I can't tell you how hard it's been.  But I knew in my heart I was hearing from God and I made a choice to follow him even though it was painful, and still is.

Sometimes following the path that God is laying out before me feels easy - Fly to Cambodia? SURE!  Go to Nicaragua? YES!  Move to Tanzania?  YEAH!!!  But sometimes it's really hard, and kind of painful.  So...at this moment...I am thankful for the expectancy and excitement that I have for whatever God has in my future...even if the path to it bruises me a bit. 

God told me at the beginning of 2015 that I would learn to trust him and rely on him in ways I never had before...and that has certainly come to pass.  I am thankful that he never leaves my side...no matter what.

I wonder what January 11th, 2017 will look like?  I bet it'll be my best birthday yet ;)

I met someone...

Wow... it's hard to believe that I have already been back here in beautiful Tanzania for a month!! Life truly does fly by us, doesn't it?

So...you may (or may not) remember me mentioning my flights back home to Tanzania and that I met some amazing people. I had posted on Facebook about one woman in particular, and (finally) I want to share more about her. This is a long one guys...but it's worth it. God is amazing!

I had just finished rushing through the Dallas airport, praying I would make my 14 hour flight to Doha, Qatar. Walking down the aisle between seats, I stepped on the hem of a gown worn by the Muslim woman walking in front of me. In my mind I was like “oh no... did I just offend her? It's probably rude for me to even touch her gown and I just stepped on it with my dirty shoe.” I apologized and she said it was ok, and we kept moving. I get to my seat only to find someone in it. Someone wanted to trade their middle seat (between two seats) for my window seat, but...I wanted my window seat. An attendant had walked up and was telling the person they would have to move if I wanted my seat. I felt stuck...I wanted this other person to be comfortable...but I wanted to be comfortable too... and then I heard a voice say “the seat next to me is empty”.

I look over and it's the woman who's gown I stepped on. She is in a middle seat, and the aisle seat (which is truly my preference) is empty. I had this quick internal dialogue... what if she is mad at me for stepping on her... but then, why would she offer the seat next to her... what if this is awkward or I feel weird??

Let me stop here for a second and share something. I have encountered more Muslim people while living in Tanzania than I ever have in the U.S. and this has made me increasingly aware of some fears and anxieties that I had regarding Muslims. I have heard many negative things, and I have never had a close relationship with anyone who was Muslim. Towards the end of the school year (2014/2015) I prayed one simple prayer about this. I was swinging at school and I just said “God...I don't want to be scared of someone because they are different than me. Help me with this, help me to love people no matter how we are different from one another.” Now...back to the airplane.

I agree to the switch and take my amazing aisle seat (what a blessing). I'm getting situated...putting things away...and I pull on her gown again – now I'm thinking “great, she must think I'm so rude...why can't I be more careful!!” Now...seriously...if I had stepped on the hem of a woman's skirt...and then later accidentally pulled on her blouse while getting settled...I wouldn't have been happy about it but I wouldn't have been so anxious either. I was immediately worried that she would be mad at me just because I didn't look like her. I actually had a thought that she probably didn't like me because she probably thought that I wasn't dressed appropriately and she surely wouldn't like me because I was clumsy AND not covered enough (just being honest guys).

She starts talking to me (maybe she's not mad after all?) and asking me “where are you headed...what do you do?” I answer her "I'm a volunteer teacher, I'm headed to Tanzania...I'm a missionary, I teach at a Christian school."  Here comes another judgment... when I tell her that I'm a missionary and teach at a Christian school I think “now she won't like me for sure...” But she keeps talking to me as if she couldn't care less that I am a Christian. I find out that someone took her seat as well...small world, right?  Then she tells me... she too is a teacher... a volunteer teacher...a missionary like me...only for Islamic schools. She is my age...she is single (like me) and here is the kicker... she taught in Africa too... in Tanzania!!! WHAT??? We are like...the same.

We continue talking...and talk away the first 2 hours of the flight (you all know I can talk!) and learn even more things that we have in common. And from the moment we began talking...my fear and anxiety just left; and God started reminding me of my prayer at the swings. My new friend shared with me some information about Islam...but mostly she shared with me her heart for loving others.

During the flight, an attendant was giving out drinks. She asked what we would like and then made a comment something along the line of how it's nice to travel with a good friend and then asked how long my seat-mate and I had been friends. I said “oh...we just met on this flight” She seemed surprised and said “wow...that is beautiful.”

You know what? It is beautiful. It's beautiful that I can meet this woman who is my sister...all because God has laid it out. How amazing that this beautiful woman, with her kind heart and giving spirit is an instrument in answering my appeal to God to help me just love. Help me not to look at a person and see “Muslim” or any other label for that matter...help me to look at every person and just see what God sees. I am thankful for this life-changing meeting. I am thankful for this new friend, this new sister. I pray that we will stay connected and that – God willing - I will see her in person again one day. I am truly blessed.

The end of this chapter...

About 10 months ago...I had just arrived in Tanzania and I was sitting down to try and create this blog.  I couldn't think of a name for it and I was asking God to give me one.  Naming my blog felt like a big deal to me and I wanted the name to mean something.  I was drinking out of a coffee cup and was just sitting staring at it and reading the verse on it over and over and...that's where the name of my blog came from.

Isaiah 43:1
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

I love this verse - it reminds me of some very important facts.
1) God has redeemed me completely
2) He has summoned me, by name...me - specifically
3) I belong to him and he loves me!

That verse has special meaning to me now :)  But, I'll be honest... I never remembered the "address" of the verse.  I forgot that it was in Isaiah for sure... I only remembered what it meant to me.

But then about a week and half ago I was talking to God and I asked him for a verse.  All I got was 432... so I looked at page 432 of my Bible.  That wasn't it.  But I know that 432 was right... So I just started looking at each book of the Bible...4th chapter...and looking for verse 32.  Nothing... so I started looking at chapter 43, verse 2.  As soon as I got to Isaiah 43:2... I knew I'd found it.



Isaiah 43:2
"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fires of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

So I took a picture with my phone, so that I could read this verse any time - even when I wasn't at home with my Bible. I've read it, I don't know how many times... and yesterday I decided I wanted to find an image to set as the lock screen on my phone.  So I started searching online and one of the first images that came up had Isaiah 43:1-2 on it.  Until that moment...I had no clue that the verse I had been looking at for over a week was the continuation of the one that God had given me almost a year ago.

I am still mulling over the fact that God gave me a verse when I first arrived here, and then gave me the continuation of it right before I am leaving for the U.S.  It is a reminder for me of those three facts contained in verse 1...and a reminder for me that God is always thinking of me.

It feels sort of like those verses are the first and last pages of a chapter... so much has happened between those two verses...those two pages.  This chapter is so full!  My life has been changed forever; I have been changed forever.

I can't wait to see how the next year unfolds!  God is good :)

40 weeks...

The other day I was looking at a calendar, counting the number of weeks that I have been in Tanzania and I made a discovery...  I have been here, in Tanzania, for almost 39 full weeks... and by the time I board a plane for the U.S. I will have been here for just over 41 weeks.

When I was counting and hit 40, my immediate thought was that 40 weeks is the length of pregnancy.  That felt like a huge realization to me, and I began looking at some of the things that God has been birthing in me over the past (almost) 40 weeks. 

These months have been a time of huge growth in many areas of my life.  I feel that I have grown and changed so much.  I can say, with certainty, that my relationship with God has changed deeply. 

I have grown to know him more as a father and I have had deeper revelations of his love for me.  I have had times when I felt so very far from God...times when it felt like a struggle to even talk to him...and I have had times where I have felt closer to him than ever before.

I have learned to rely on him for peace more and more.  Moving halfway across the world is...hard.  I have faced struggles and difficulties that I never expected, new (and sometimes scary) situations, uncertainty and sadness... and in all these situations he has been right here by my side.  I have found peace and comfort in stressful and uncomfortable places/situations over and over again.

I have also had so, so many times of rejoicing with God and thanking him for the amazing things that he has made possible in my life.  So many amazing experiences, learning from my kids (on a daily basis) about God's love and power. 

The list goes on... God has also healed me of some things that I didn't even realize were still buried deeply.  He has helped me to see a greater level of the joy that is possible in life...  our capacity for joy is unimaginable - maybe I could say he has increased my capacity for joy by helping me rid myself of some of the things that were taking up space.

Life is an amazing adventure...and I am so thankful!!!  God loves me... I am precious and valuable to him... he is a good father!  :)

darkness to light...

God is always helping me to learn more and more about myself.  I believe that if I am willing to learn, and choose to be open to seeing and hearing - God will speak to me always.

Not too long ago, I asked God to show me any lies that I still believe.  Something can get stuck in our minds as a result of...anything... any type of experience - good or bad.  God has helped me to become aware of lies that were in my mind... lies that I believed so fully that at first - when God was showing me "this is a lie" my reaction was "no...that is reality".

One lie in my mind that God is revealing to me right now... is that I am bad.  It's a lie that I have addressed in the past, but is apparently still down in there.  (Layers...right?  my friend Ginny would remind me of the fact that healing happens in layers at this point)  I know where it comes from - there were plenty of times that I was told that I was bad...and other times that I heard that repeated in my mind after something negative happened...reinforcing the lie.

I am praying about this lie... I want it out of my mind.  I am asking God to help me to get rid of it forever and replace it with his truth.  So... I started writing down some verses (many of which I have written in the past...multiple times) and two verses in particular stand out like a light in the dark.

Psalm 18:28... (NIV) You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.
This verse stood out to me about 1 1/2 - 2 years ago and it has been a favorite since then.  I especially like the wording of the NIV because it says "my God turns my darkness to light"... He turns the darkness in my life into light!!!  That is so exciting to me!

1 Peter 2:9... (NLT) But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.
This is a new favorite...like in the past week or two.  I LOVE how it says that I can show the goodness of God because he called me out of the darkness and into HIS wonderful light!!!  

My life used to be filled with darkness, and I never would have thought that I could have so much of God's light in my life.  God called me out of the darkness... and I answered that call because I did not want the darkness.  I was drawn to his light...I wanted more than what the darkness promised me.

I am sharing all of this because... I feel like God wants me to.  Just a few days before I left the U.S. to come to Tanzania I had a powerful, life-changing experience with obeying God when he wants me to share something... even if it seems pointless.  It can be life altering for one person...and that is all that matters.  

God loves each and every one of us...me...you... so much.  He has a wonderful, perfect plan for our lives.  He desires a deep relationship with us... for us to know his perfect love.  This is the truth about me, and you... that God loves us and loves for us to love him.  He is not angry at us for messing up, he is not angry at us for not being perfect.  He does not look at me and see a mistake, something bad... he looks at me and sees his beautiful daughter!  He delights in me and smiles on me... he sings songs over me.  He created me, very specifically...and had a plan for my life before I ever existed.  He LOVES me!!!