Struggles...

What do you do when it seems like your faith has failed?  

When it feels like maybe you don't believe the things you once believed? 

Wait, let me not get ahead of myself... I had this thought the other night - you know how when you magnify something it can become impossible to determine what it is?  Look at a super-magnified photo of something like skin, hair, or even the fibers of your clothes and they become something entirely different.  Just looking at an unlabeled photo, I would bet that few of us could identify many of the things we encounter on a daily basis... all because they have been magnified far beyond what we are accustomed to.

Something similar can happen with... well I guess for the sake of saving like 200 words we will just sum them up as "struggles".  You know, those things you go through that can range from "not a big deal really" to "a massively big deal".  What happens when you have a smallish struggle... like it's definitely not a big deal... but then something else happens... and maybe it's a bit more of an issue... but then something else comes along... and it's a huge issue.  Little by little these things pile on you and it can become rather difficult to take your eyes off the struggles.  But the more you look at the struggles, the more magnified they are.  It doesn't take long for the struggles to become so magnified that they obscure your vision.

I have a sort of routine I follow with anything I would classify as a "struggle".  We need a routine, because...let's be real... life is full of struggles.  Big or small...they're there for all of us.  My routine is typically to find some Bible verses about the issue.  Say I feel fearful or anxious about something...I will find verses about God calming fears, providing, comforting, etc and I will write them down on note cards.  These note cards will go up on my wall, in the book I'm reading, or maybe I'll carry them with me to read whenever.  I also journal and, since I'm an external processor, I try to talk things out with people, and of course I talk to God about whatever is going on.

But what happens when those things don't work?  I'm writing (and reading) my note cards, I'm journaling, I'm talking to God, talking to people...but I am feeling more and more overwhelmed.  My struggles are getting bigger and bigger and I find it becoming a struggle even to talk to God.  I'm trying to reach out to people but that's not helping... journaling, which is usually a great outlet for me, becomes more and more difficult.  Then (seemingly) suddenly I look around and realize... I'm down.  Way down.  I'm upset with God...I'm angry... I'm so depressed... and I don't know what to do about it.

I have recently been in a really difficult place (that seems like such a "cupcake" way of putting it lol) and I have been having some serious discussions (with myself mostly) on a few topics...

Why do I follow God and live the way I do?  

Do I really trust God, or just pretend?  

Do I really believe that God has a plan for my life? (like a specific plan not just a "live your life and love people" type of plan) 

Do I really believe that the decisions I have made over the past few years were led by God... or just me doing stuff?

I have spent some time examining my life now...versus my life before I became friends with Jesus and anyone who knew me before would have to admit that there has been a drastic change in my life.  It's undeniable.  I am a very different person, and all the changes are good ones.

So then why am I struggling like this?  I've said it before but I have a tendency to get real down on myself about stuff like this - like I shouldn't struggle to be happy or whatever.  But that's stupid.  I know what my life was like before... I know things are so much better now than they have been for me in the past... but that doesn't mean I won't have struggles or that it's wrong for me to struggle at times.

In the middle of this current struggle I decided that I wasn't going to feel guilty for struggling, that I wasn't going to try to pretend that I felt happier or better than I actually felt.  That I was going to be angry at God (because I was) and I wasn't going to talk to anyone who I felt would shame me for my feelings.  I also decided that I would continue to talk with God every day...even if it was just to tell Him I was angry and that I wasn't sure I could trust Him.  Many times my talking with Him was just telling Him "I need your help!" but I did it every day.  

So here I am now... not quite all the way on the other side of this thing, but definitely not underneath it either.  Some interesting knowledge has come out of these past months as a result of some even more interesting talks with God.  After putting aside my emotions and using my logical brain to take an inventory of some of the experiences I have had with God and how my life and perspective has changed as a result of them I have come to a few conclusions: 

No matter how mad I get... I believe God is all powerful and He is worthy to be praised.

Even if my life looks nothing like what I expected... I believe He is still moving in my life and has done some amazing things in my life.

When I dig down deep into it... I do trust Him, even when it feels like I don't.  I know I trust Him because if I push it to the point of walking away or staying with Him even if nothing changes... I will stay with Him... and that's trust.  

In the midst of my confusion and anger... I turn to Him, and that is relationship.  So even when it sometimes feels like He has forgotten me... deep inside I don't believe that lie.

You know what I think?  

I think struggles like this serve a purpose.  Before I was walking in this struggle I was at a place where I felt I trusted God more than ever before.  Seriously, just a few months ago I felt like my relationship with God was better than it had ever been, I felt zero doubt for my future (even though I had no clue what it held) and I even felt almost comfortable with the vast unknown.  I felt secure in my relationship with Him and trust in Him. 

But now... walking through some serious doubts about whether or not I really trusted Him and believed Him... even though my relationship with God feels different... it feels a bit rocky at the moment to be honest... it feels somehow stronger.  Like something in me knows that going through this really rocky place with Him (even though I was mad and didn't want to take His hand at times) has led us to a place where my faith (even though it still feels slim) is stronger... and by trust (even though it still feels questionable at times) is deeper.

I have reminded myself often through this struggle that the last time I felt like this was after returning from Cambodia in 2013.  I was in a real struggle at that time... questioning everything especially my faith and relationship with God.  I literally felt like my life was falling apart, piece by piece.  One day I was praying and God told me He was re-laying my foundation.  He told me when a foundation is bad, you have to tear it up to lay a good one or else the house can never last.  Even though tearing up a foundation is hard, tiring work... it was necessary in order for me to have a good foundation.  I reminded myself of that time because... I not only made it through that dark time, I eventually came out on the other side stronger and deeply changed.  

So... I guess we are doing some more foundation work... 

 

Another birthday...

Last night I was simply walking down the hall and had the thought "tomorrow is my birthday"... immediately I started crying.  There's a lot going on right now... and emotionally... I was tired.  I've cried so much over the past several days that my face now burns immediately when tears touch my cheeks, and let's not talk about how my eyes have been feeling  :/

I took my tears to my room and started listening to a song that my friend suggested.  Then I started sobbing... I had asked Jesus to just please comfort me... and he is always happy to comply with a request like that... so I was just crying with Jesus and telling him how I felt.  Seriously guys... there is a lot going on in my life right now - I think a lot of us are in that place.  I have really been asking God to help me as I process through these things... because, for real, I have no idea how to walk through them... so anyway...

...in the middle of the next song - it's like I almost heard an audible whisper in my ear.  God... being the good daddy that he is... just whispered in my ear "if you could see what I see... you would be laughing right now instead of crying".  Just a whisper, that's all.  And in a moment... I was laughing.  Laughing and still crying... and then just laughing.  It's like, in that moment, he just filled me with so much joy. 

Then this morning I was talking to God - I've shared a bit of how I used to really dislike my birthday and I was repenting for the times I have cursed the day of my birth and thanking him for my life, my freedom, his love... a short while after that God started talking to me about my age.  I am 37 today and God was asking me what numbers can divide into 37.  I was like... none, it's a prime number.  So that rolled around in my head a little and I asked why did he point that out... He said just like 37 is a unique number to itself... that it can't be divided by other numbers... this is a unique year for me.  That unique things will happen this year like no other year before. 

I love getting a prophetic word from someone... but I really love getting a word directly from God, and that's a good word!  :)

This has been such a special day... and I have great expectations for the year to come.  I don't know what the next year will bring... it could bring more struggles, it could bring new levels of joy... but the one thing I do know is that I can trust God will be with me through all of it.

It's gonna be a good year y'all!

No makeup...

I was getting ready for church this past Wednesday, and as I prepared to put on makeup I had this feeling sort of like "I don't think I'll wear makeup tonight".  I sat there for a moment wondering why I didn't feel like putting on makeup... it's not like it takes that long.  So I started again to get things ready (I like to lay everything out so I can don't have to dig for it) and had a stronger feeling - I am not wearing makeup tonight.  So I asked God... is this from you?  It was.  I wondered..."why doesn't God want me to wear makeup tonight?  That's weird..."  But... I didn't wear makeup.

I was in a great mood that day because I had been really talking with God about some things and I had just that afternoon decided to set aside the next three days for praying about when to return to Tanzania...and what to do with the time in between now and then.  In a moment of pure passion... I told God (out loud for that matter) "God...I want to be willing to give up everything to follow you!  Help me to be willing to let go of anything and everything and to go wherever you lead me!"  (I added exclamations because I felt really excited when I said it).  For the record...I was sort of thinking about like... stuff.  Like... belongings mostly.  Or even asking God to open my heart to wherever it is that He wants me.  My mind was going in that direction when I said this.
So I happily drove to church, with no makeup... and I excitedly told a friend that I felt like big things were coming... exciting things.  Then worship started... I was singing along... the second song started... I was praying and talking to God... and He showed me a picture I have seen countless times.  The picture is me and these kids, who are all around me, and we are all smiling and so joyful.  He first showed me this picture in 2013 when I was in Cambodia for the second time and when He showed me, He told me I would work in a children's home one day.  Of course I was happy about that, everybody knows how much I love children.

So... God showed me that picture and He asked "What if being the best mom possible to these kids, means not having children of your own?  Would you be willing?"
I was shocked... I hadn't even been thinking about anything like that.  My reply was "That's not fair."
His reply was "Is it fair to them (the kids in the picture) to not have a good mom?"

Well...

I have several reasons, 5 to be exact, why I feel that question is so colossally unfair... but we won't get into that...  God doesn't deal in "fair"... I can't tell you how many times, growing up, my father said to me "life isn't fair".  It used to make me so angry, because life should be fair... but he was definitely right... life is so unfair.  Bad things, horrible things, happen all around the world every day... and that's not fair.  It's not fair that any child should not have a loving mother... and it's not fair that any mother should not have a child to love.  So many unfair things happen... that's the way it is.

While God doesn't deal in "fair", He does deal in justice, He also deals in redemption and blessing.  God made a promise to me about 4 years ago.  I was sitting outside, reading my Bible, and I started talking to Him about how much I want to have a family.  I looked out towards the field behind the house, and there was this lone tree along the fence, and it was just starting to bud.  God told me "you will have more children than there are leaves on that tree."  In that moment, I felt upset, because - if I'm gonna have that many kids... obviously they won't be biological.  I had to repent for rejecting that promise.  As the year went on, I watched the buds on that tree form leaves.  So many leaves.  I looked at that tree everyday and it really became a reminder of that promise.  Side note: I haven't seen that tree since I left the US for Tanzania, but 18 days ago God showed me some earrings that remind me of that tree and His promise.  He told me to buy them and every time I wear them I am reminded of all those leaves.

I have wanted to be a mother since I was little.  I still remember saying, when I was 5 or 6 years old, that I wanted to have 20 babies... all at one time.  I sang to my baby dolls and carried them everywhere... and eventually decided on a more conservative goal for my family size.  When God asked me if I would be willing to give up the dream of having my own children if it meant being the best mom possible to the kids in that picture... I told Him yes... and then I cried... for the rest of the night.

Today I cried some more, let's be real... I'm crying right now.  This hurts.  A lot.  I know it's not like God has told me I will never have biological children, He hasn't said for sure that won't happen...but He is asking me to be willing.  It hurts to let go of something that I have dreamed of for so long.  To somehow reconcile my heart with a real possibility that God may ask me to choose not to fulfill that desire, even if He does bring me a husband.  It hurts... and it's ok that it hurts.

This morning as I was getting ready for church, I happened to look down at my hand and saw something I have never seen before, it was beautiful and confusing.  The back of my hand had all these bright, white lights shining out of it, like the brightest pin-pricks of light actually shining out of my actual hand.  Then my mind told me what it was; the tears in my eyes had caught the light and it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to appear as if they were shining.

God told me... "it works the same in the spirit too"  Just like my tears altered my vision and, in that moment, I saw my hand in a way I've never seen it before... my brokenness can help me see things differently as well.  I am not sure what all God is going to be teaching me through this... I can't even guess at how this will play out and how it will change me as I walk through it...but I can trust that it will be good.  Because God is good... His plan for me is good and when I surrender my life to Him - His plans for me can more easily come to pass.  And I can bank on the fact that His plans for me will bring me more joy than anything I could ever plan or dream up.  But it still hurts.


Oh and the makeup thing... you know crying and mascara really don't go together.  It's just not a good look.  Thanks for the heads up, God.  

Here is my disclaimer... I didn't want to share this.  I wanted to play a game on my computer or watch a movie... and not think about all the unknown in my life right now, but God kept talking to me about making a blog post.  So... here it is.  This whole thing is very personal to me (obviously) and it's a bit difficult to share it like this.  I just felt like I needed to say that.