Birthday wishes...

Well... it's my birthday and I have posted on this blog for the past three years on this day so... here I am again.

I feel like for me the new year really starts with my birthday.  That always feels like the beginning of a new year to me, and my classes start today so it's even more of a starting point this year.  I haven't done "new years resolutions" for a while now, but I have been doing this thing where I ask God for a word for the year.  When I asked God for a word for 2018... I felt like the word I got was wish.  I puzzled over that because it didn't seem to be a particularly "godly" word, I guess.  But I decided that really was the word God had for me.

So as my birthday has drawn near, I have had several occasions where I felt that God was reminding me of my word and asking me what are my wishes, my dreams different areas of my life.  It seemed like such a fluffy word at first.  But as I have had these conversations with God about I have realized it's fluffy at all.  I feel like, through these conversations, God is reminding me of some wishes that I have sort of buried.  

I think we all have things that we once wished for, dreamed of, but have put aside because it just seemed silly... and maturity demanded leaving it behind.  Or because it felt impossible, and we argued ourselves out of even thinking about it.  Or because the pain of maintaining hope just became too much, so we boxed it away.  I think when a dream, a desire, a wish seems impossible... it's so much easier to place it in a mental box... and shove it far into a back corner... and convince ourselves that it's not that important.  That we never really wanted whatever it was anyway.  

Unrealized dreams can become a source of bitterness... as we watch what seems to be *everyone* else having the success we dreamed of, the children we wished for, the health we have prayed for, the (insert any number of other things) that we desired but never grasped. 

I know I can't be the only one who sometimes feels like I'm walking a tightrope... fall to the left, bitterness... to the right, apathy.  Bitterness is painful, and dividing, and just generally not pleasant to be around... I have grown tired of the bitterness that I carried around for way too long.  Apathy seems the least painful option, but it has a way of sneaking out into all the areas of your life and stealing not just sorrow but also joy, leaving you numb and disengaged.  But staying on the tightrope can be painful as well... keeping hope alive for a thing that may never happen, being honest with yourself about how deeply you desire this (whatever it is) to happen leaves your heart open for pain if it doesn't.  

I've talked with God some about that pain... because I don't believe that God causes us pain or wishes for us to live in pain... so why would keeping hope alive be painful?  Doesn't He want us to hope?  Have faith?  Well... I think part of that pain comes from the fact that - no matter how much hope or faith I have for a certain thing - I don't know for sure what will happen with my future, so there is a very real possibility that I am hoping for something that will never happen.  

But God has been asking me to remember things I have wished for... and asking me what I would wish for today, in this moment... and I think He is doing that for two reasons... to show me some of the wishes/dreams that I have squashed down and also to remind me that He cares - very deeply - about the desires of my heart.  No matter how silly or small I may think that desire is in the grand scheme of things.

So... on this birthday, at the start of this new year... I am being reminded of wishes and dreams.  Some that can be painful to hold onto... and some that I have let fall by the wayside without even realizing it... and some that I had never really contemplated before... but all of them are important to Him.  And while I cannot know for certain that some (or any) of the things I hope for will ever come to pass, I can know for certain that God will not leave me in a place of being unfulfilled.  He hasn't promised me that I will have everything I want, but He has promised me joy.

And since I'm not sure how to end this post... I'll end it with this...

As painful as it can be, I am choosing to hold onto hope for dreams that sometimes seem impossible... and when the unknown of the future becomes overwhelming I am choosing to cling to the promise of joy

Words...

Something has been rolling around in my mind for the past month or so.  I finished my first semester with really good grades... but I started the semester with so much anxiety and doubt.  And fear, add in a large portion of fear.  I was anxious that I would fail... or that my grades wouldn't be good enough to get me into clinicals next year.

Everyone around me was encouraging me and telling me I would do great, that they weren't worried because they knew I was smart and would do well in school... but I was not convinced.  I just knew that I was going to fail.  Fast forward to the end of the semester when someone said to me "See? I knew you had this... you had nothing to worry about."

When she said that, I suddenly realized one huge source of my anxiety.  When I was young someone told me repeatedly that I was stupid, that I would "never amount to anything", and that I would always be a failure.  Without really knowing it, I have allowed those words to cast a shadow on pretty much everything I have attempted - or not attempted - throughout my life.

So then I asked myself... why is it so much easier to let negative words affect me than positive ones?  If 20 people are encouraging me and lifting me up... why do I let that one person's words drag me down?  And why is it so hard to erase the tape playing those negative words?  I know that a part of it is that words can take root in childhood... it's easy to leave those tapes playing and not even realize they are anything other than truth.  You can become so accustomed to hearing those ugly words because they've "always been there" that you don't think to question them. 

In this situation I didn't have a conscious memory of those words every time I felt I would fail, and I certainly didn't associate them with my anxiety... but in one moment God showed me they were the source.  I know it's an issue that is common to us all, or at least seems to be.  But why?  Why is it so much easier to let the negative words affect us?  As to the why of it... I can't give my opinions in a concise way, but I want to make a more intentional effort to shut off the negative words and replace them with positive ones.

Lies are like weeds... they have to be uprooted or else they will begin to choke out the truth. They grow and multiply and then suddenly they are all you can see.  But God can replace the lies with truth, no matter how overgrown they may have become. 

God doesn't think I am stupid, worthless, a failure.  He created me... not on a whim but with thought and planning.  I wasn't an accident or a mistake. To Him I am amazing, wonderful, beautiful, capable, intelligent...  He doesn't ever look at me and hang His head in shame or disappointment so any words that make me feel like a failure or a disappointment are a direct contradiction to what HE says about me... and it's what He says that matters.

Struggles...

What do you do when it seems like your faith has failed?  

When it feels like maybe you don't believe the things you once believed? 

Wait, let me not get ahead of myself... I had this thought the other night - you know how when you magnify something it can become impossible to determine what it is?  Look at a super-magnified photo of something like skin, hair, or even the fibers of your clothes and they become something entirely different.  Just looking at an unlabeled photo, I would bet that few of us could identify many of the things we encounter on a daily basis... all because they have been magnified far beyond what we are accustomed to.

Something similar can happen with... well I guess for the sake of saving like 200 words we will just sum them up as "struggles".  You know, those things you go through that can range from "not a big deal really" to "a massively big deal".  What happens when you have a smallish struggle... like it's definitely not a big deal... but then something else happens... and maybe it's a bit more of an issue... but then something else comes along... and it's a huge issue.  Little by little these things pile on you and it can become rather difficult to take your eyes off the struggles.  But the more you look at the struggles, the more magnified they are.  It doesn't take long for the struggles to become so magnified that they obscure your vision.

I have a sort of routine I follow with anything I would classify as a "struggle".  We need a routine, because...let's be real... life is full of struggles.  Big or small...they're there for all of us.  My routine is typically to find some Bible verses about the issue.  Say I feel fearful or anxious about something...I will find verses about God calming fears, providing, comforting, etc and I will write them down on note cards.  These note cards will go up on my wall, in the book I'm reading, or maybe I'll carry them with me to read whenever.  I also journal and, since I'm an external processor, I try to talk things out with people, and of course I talk to God about whatever is going on.

But what happens when those things don't work?  I'm writing (and reading) my note cards, I'm journaling, I'm talking to God, talking to people...but I am feeling more and more overwhelmed.  My struggles are getting bigger and bigger and I find it becoming a struggle even to talk to God.  I'm trying to reach out to people but that's not helping... journaling, which is usually a great outlet for me, becomes more and more difficult.  Then (seemingly) suddenly I look around and realize... I'm down.  Way down.  I'm upset with God...I'm angry... I'm so depressed... and I don't know what to do about it.

I have recently been in a really difficult place (that seems like such a "cupcake" way of putting it lol) and I have been having some serious discussions (with myself mostly) on a few topics...

Why do I follow God and live the way I do?  

Do I really trust God, or just pretend?  

Do I really believe that God has a plan for my life? (like a specific plan not just a "live your life and love people" type of plan) 

Do I really believe that the decisions I have made over the past few years were led by God... or just me doing stuff?

I have spent some time examining my life now...versus my life before I became friends with Jesus and anyone who knew me before would have to admit that there has been a drastic change in my life.  It's undeniable.  I am a very different person, and all the changes are good ones.

So then why am I struggling like this?  I've said it before but I have a tendency to get real down on myself about stuff like this - like I shouldn't struggle to be happy or whatever.  But that's stupid.  I know what my life was like before... I know things are so much better now than they have been for me in the past... but that doesn't mean I won't have struggles or that it's wrong for me to struggle at times.

In the middle of this current struggle I decided that I wasn't going to feel guilty for struggling, that I wasn't going to try to pretend that I felt happier or better than I actually felt.  That I was going to be angry at God (because I was) and I wasn't going to talk to anyone who I felt would shame me for my feelings.  I also decided that I would continue to talk with God every day...even if it was just to tell Him I was angry and that I wasn't sure I could trust Him.  Many times my talking with Him was just telling Him "I need your help!" but I did it every day.  

So here I am now... not quite all the way on the other side of this thing, but definitely not underneath it either.  Some interesting knowledge has come out of these past months as a result of some even more interesting talks with God.  After putting aside my emotions and using my logical brain to take an inventory of some of the experiences I have had with God and how my life and perspective has changed as a result of them I have come to a few conclusions: 

No matter how mad I get... I believe God is all powerful and He is worthy to be praised.

Even if my life looks nothing like what I expected... I believe He is still moving in my life and has done some amazing things in my life.

When I dig down deep into it... I do trust Him, even when it feels like I don't.  I know I trust Him because if I push it to the point of walking away or staying with Him even if nothing changes... I will stay with Him... and that's trust.  

In the midst of my confusion and anger... I turn to Him, and that is relationship.  So even when it sometimes feels like He has forgotten me... deep inside I don't believe that lie.

You know what I think?  

I think struggles like this serve a purpose.  Before I was walking in this struggle I was at a place where I felt I trusted God more than ever before.  Seriously, just a few months ago I felt like my relationship with God was better than it had ever been, I felt zero doubt for my future (even though I had no clue what it held) and I even felt almost comfortable with the vast unknown.  I felt secure in my relationship with Him and trust in Him. 

But now... walking through some serious doubts about whether or not I really trusted Him and believed Him... even though my relationship with God feels different... it feels a bit rocky at the moment to be honest... it feels somehow stronger.  Like something in me knows that going through this really rocky place with Him (even though I was mad and didn't want to take His hand at times) has led us to a place where my faith (even though it still feels slim) is stronger... and by trust (even though it still feels questionable at times) is deeper.

I have reminded myself often through this struggle that the last time I felt like this was after returning from Cambodia in 2013.  I was in a real struggle at that time... questioning everything especially my faith and relationship with God.  I literally felt like my life was falling apart, piece by piece.  One day I was praying and God told me He was re-laying my foundation.  He told me when a foundation is bad, you have to tear it up to lay a good one or else the house can never last.  Even though tearing up a foundation is hard, tiring work... it was necessary in order for me to have a good foundation.  I reminded myself of that time because... I not only made it through that dark time, I eventually came out on the other side stronger and deeply changed.  

So... I guess we are doing some more foundation work... 

 

Another birthday...

Last night I was simply walking down the hall and had the thought "tomorrow is my birthday"... immediately I started crying.  There's a lot going on right now... and emotionally... I was tired.  I've cried so much over the past several days that my face now burns immediately when tears touch my cheeks, and let's not talk about how my eyes have been feeling  :/

I took my tears to my room and started listening to a song that my friend suggested.  Then I started sobbing... I had asked Jesus to just please comfort me... and he is always happy to comply with a request like that... so I was just crying with Jesus and telling him how I felt.  Seriously guys... there is a lot going on in my life right now - I think a lot of us are in that place.  I have really been asking God to help me as I process through these things... because, for real, I have no idea how to walk through them... so anyway...

...in the middle of the next song - it's like I almost heard an audible whisper in my ear.  God... being the good daddy that he is... just whispered in my ear "if you could see what I see... you would be laughing right now instead of crying".  Just a whisper, that's all.  And in a moment... I was laughing.  Laughing and still crying... and then just laughing.  It's like, in that moment, he just filled me with so much joy. 

Then this morning I was talking to God - I've shared a bit of how I used to really dislike my birthday and I was repenting for the times I have cursed the day of my birth and thanking him for my life, my freedom, his love... a short while after that God started talking to me about my age.  I am 37 today and God was asking me what numbers can divide into 37.  I was like... none, it's a prime number.  So that rolled around in my head a little and I asked why did he point that out... He said just like 37 is a unique number to itself... that it can't be divided by other numbers... this is a unique year for me.  That unique things will happen this year like no other year before. 

I love getting a prophetic word from someone... but I really love getting a word directly from God, and that's a good word!  :)

This has been such a special day... and I have great expectations for the year to come.  I don't know what the next year will bring... it could bring more struggles, it could bring new levels of joy... but the one thing I do know is that I can trust God will be with me through all of it.

It's gonna be a good year y'all!

No makeup...

I was getting ready for church this past Wednesday, and as I prepared to put on makeup I had this feeling sort of like "I don't think I'll wear makeup tonight".  I sat there for a moment wondering why I didn't feel like putting on makeup... it's not like it takes that long.  So I started again to get things ready (I like to lay everything out so I can don't have to dig for it) and had a stronger feeling - I am not wearing makeup tonight.  So I asked God... is this from you?  It was.  I wondered..."why doesn't God want me to wear makeup tonight?  That's weird..."  But... I didn't wear makeup.

I was in a great mood that day because I had been really talking with God about some things and I had just that afternoon decided to set aside the next three days for praying about when to return to Tanzania...and what to do with the time in between now and then.  In a moment of pure passion... I told God (out loud for that matter) "God...I want to be willing to give up everything to follow you!  Help me to be willing to let go of anything and everything and to go wherever you lead me!"  (I added exclamations because I felt really excited when I said it).  For the record...I was sort of thinking about like... stuff.  Like... belongings mostly.  Or even asking God to open my heart to wherever it is that He wants me.  My mind was going in that direction when I said this.
So I happily drove to church, with no makeup... and I excitedly told a friend that I felt like big things were coming... exciting things.  Then worship started... I was singing along... the second song started... I was praying and talking to God... and He showed me a picture I have seen countless times.  The picture is me and these kids, who are all around me, and we are all smiling and so joyful.  He first showed me this picture in 2013 when I was in Cambodia for the second time and when He showed me, He told me I would work in a children's home one day.  Of course I was happy about that, everybody knows how much I love children.

So... God showed me that picture and He asked "What if being the best mom possible to these kids, means not having children of your own?  Would you be willing?"
I was shocked... I hadn't even been thinking about anything like that.  My reply was "That's not fair."
His reply was "Is it fair to them (the kids in the picture) to not have a good mom?"

Well...

I have several reasons, 5 to be exact, why I feel that question is so colossally unfair... but we won't get into that...  God doesn't deal in "fair"... I can't tell you how many times, growing up, my father said to me "life isn't fair".  It used to make me so angry, because life should be fair... but he was definitely right... life is so unfair.  Bad things, horrible things, happen all around the world every day... and that's not fair.  It's not fair that any child should not have a loving mother... and it's not fair that any mother should not have a child to love.  So many unfair things happen... that's the way it is.

While God doesn't deal in "fair", He does deal in justice, He also deals in redemption and blessing.  God made a promise to me about 4 years ago.  I was sitting outside, reading my Bible, and I started talking to Him about how much I want to have a family.  I looked out towards the field behind the house, and there was this lone tree along the fence, and it was just starting to bud.  God told me "you will have more children than there are leaves on that tree."  In that moment, I felt upset, because - if I'm gonna have that many kids... obviously they won't be biological.  I had to repent for rejecting that promise.  As the year went on, I watched the buds on that tree form leaves.  So many leaves.  I looked at that tree everyday and it really became a reminder of that promise.  Side note: I haven't seen that tree since I left the US for Tanzania, but 18 days ago God showed me some earrings that remind me of that tree and His promise.  He told me to buy them and every time I wear them I am reminded of all those leaves.

I have wanted to be a mother since I was little.  I still remember saying, when I was 5 or 6 years old, that I wanted to have 20 babies... all at one time.  I sang to my baby dolls and carried them everywhere... and eventually decided on a more conservative goal for my family size.  When God asked me if I would be willing to give up the dream of having my own children if it meant being the best mom possible to the kids in that picture... I told Him yes... and then I cried... for the rest of the night.

Today I cried some more, let's be real... I'm crying right now.  This hurts.  A lot.  I know it's not like God has told me I will never have biological children, He hasn't said for sure that won't happen...but He is asking me to be willing.  It hurts to let go of something that I have dreamed of for so long.  To somehow reconcile my heart with a real possibility that God may ask me to choose not to fulfill that desire, even if He does bring me a husband.  It hurts... and it's ok that it hurts.

This morning as I was getting ready for church, I happened to look down at my hand and saw something I have never seen before, it was beautiful and confusing.  The back of my hand had all these bright, white lights shining out of it, like the brightest pin-pricks of light actually shining out of my actual hand.  Then my mind told me what it was; the tears in my eyes had caught the light and it caused the hairs on the back of my hand to appear as if they were shining.

God told me... "it works the same in the spirit too"  Just like my tears altered my vision and, in that moment, I saw my hand in a way I've never seen it before... my brokenness can help me see things differently as well.  I am not sure what all God is going to be teaching me through this... I can't even guess at how this will play out and how it will change me as I walk through it...but I can trust that it will be good.  Because God is good... His plan for me is good and when I surrender my life to Him - His plans for me can more easily come to pass.  And I can bank on the fact that His plans for me will bring me more joy than anything I could ever plan or dream up.  But it still hurts.


Oh and the makeup thing... you know crying and mascara really don't go together.  It's just not a good look.  Thanks for the heads up, God.  

Here is my disclaimer... I didn't want to share this.  I wanted to play a game on my computer or watch a movie... and not think about all the unknown in my life right now, but God kept talking to me about making a blog post.  So... here it is.  This whole thing is very personal to me (obviously) and it's a bit difficult to share it like this.  I just felt like I needed to say that.  

    

That bitterness though...

I recently posted a blog about some of the struggles that I have been going through because of a cyst on my ovary.  I have learned, and am still learning, some valuable lessons from this experience on trust, fear, hearing God, listening for God...the list goes on.  But I want to share with you a lesson on bitterness.

I have struggled with bitterness...a lot.  I've shared before that I have had difficulties in my life - haven't we all - and I've shared that I've been hurt by people - again...not uncommon, who hasn't experienced pain at the actions or words of another person, whether it was intentional or not?  My childhood was difficult and bitterness was rooted in my life at an early age.  It has taken me a long time to get away from the thinking of "why me?" or "why not me?".

Why does she get that and I don't?  Why did that have to happen to me?  Those type of thoughts are never productive.  Every single human has them at some point...but I let these thoughts have free reign in my mind and emotions for quite some time.  Breaking the pattern and habit of those thoughts, to bring the focus of my thoughts around to the things in my life that I can be thankful for has taken lot's of work with God. 

I already shared that, when I found out about the cyst, I had a conversation with God about how this entire situation would be so different if I was married and already had children... I told Him that I don't understand why that hasn't happened yet... I want, very much to have a family, and He knows that.  Two days after I found out about the cyst... I was preparing to leave the house, I suddenly had this flash of anger and hurt feelings and I told God "I don't want to see a bunch of pregnant women today... I don't want to see one person post on Facebook that they just found out they are pregnant... and I don't want to see a bunch of people with babies either... ok?"

You know what He said to me?  He said "I want you to pray for women who are trying to get pregnant"  Like... what?  Seriously, He said that to me... when I was in the middle of crying because I was afraid I was about to lose the ability to become pregnant myself.  Who does that???  I stopped and told Him... "I don't want to do that God.  That's not fair... that I should have to pray for other women to have the very thing that I want...and may be losing!"  and then I said... "ok... but I need you to help me,"

I got the idea to go to Facebook and post asking if any women were trying to get pregnant and wanted prayer...to message me.  So, before I left the house, I did that.  Within a couple of days I had a list of 15 women...and I started praying for them every night.  The first few days - I will admit - were hard.  Very little in me wanted to do this...except that I *knew* God was asking me to do it..and I wanted to obey.  A few days into it... I was praying and God told me a specific woman was going to be pregnant within that month...and I felt like even that same week.  I wrote it down, and I anxiously waited to hear the news... That same woman announced her pregnancy on Thanksgiving!!!  The excitement of waiting for her announcement sort of made me forget that nagging jealous feeling... it turned to joy and expectation instead.

Out of this... something amazing has happened.  An area where I have, with pretty valid reasons, struggled with bitterness... is now an area where I am excited to pray for others to see breakthrough.  Where I have struggled so much with jealousy and great sadness...  I'm not struggling anymore.  To me...that's a pretty amazing breakthrough!  That, my friends, is beauty for ashes...joy for mourning!!!

I think this act of praying for others to have the very thing I have lost, and have feared I am losing forever, has broken something off of me...at least in that specific area.  It's broken off this thought that - if she gets what I want...then there may not be enough left for me to have it as well.  You know that thought?  It gets buried down in there sometimes and I don't even think I was consciously aware that I was thinking it...but really that's what I think is going on when someone has or gets something we ourselves want and, instead of feeling joyful for them, we feel jealous and hurt.  Why would someone else's blessing make me feel somehow "less than" unless I have this broken belief in me that there isn't enough for both of us...

I am excited at this lesson because that ugly little jealous, hurt feeling is something I have wanted to be free from for a long time.  I'm not saying this is a method that will rid me of that in every area of my life, but choosing to pray for someone to be blessed surely doesn't leave much room for jealousy and sadness when their blessing comes! 

The desire of my heart is to pour out on others the love that God has poured into me...and I don't want the pouring out to be clogged up with things like jealousy and rejection.  I understand how those things got so deeply rooted into me... but now it's time for them to be gone for good!  There is no limit to the blessings that God can, and will, pour out onto us.  He enjoys surprising us with blessings in a way that leave us in awe of His power and love for us...and I want to be more intentional about partnering with Him in that and seeking ways that I can be a blessing to others.  God, please help me to always remember that there is enough for everyone... for her and for me... and that her blessing doesn't, in any way, diminish what you have for me!!!

A Christmas miracle...

I have been waiting to be able to write this blog post!!!  This one will probably get a bit emotional...I will probably cry...but I'm nothing if not real so...

When I came back to the US...I was hurting...and the hurting was getting worse, not better.  So...after I got around to finding a doctor, she ordered an ultrasound... but then I needed second one... so all of this takes a few months and eventually I found out I had a cyst on my left ovary.  But first... 

A little bit of background... there are basically two types of ovarian cysts: simple and complex.  The shortest description is that simple cysts usually resolve on their own but complex cysts usually require medication (which I cannot take due to a blood disorder I have been diagnosed with) or surgery.  Both types of cysts cause discomfort and pain.  Another bit of history...I already lost one ovary due to complex cysts... so this is the only one I have.

Now...I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome - or PCOS -  years ago...after I lost one ovary.  PCOS causes multiple, simple cysts to form on the ovaries (or ovary in my case).  I have become accustomed to the pain that is associated with cysts... so I knew going in for the ultrasound that I had a cyst.  I prayed and asked God to cause that cyst to rupture (and heal me from  PCOS...no more cysts!) before the ultrasound; so when I was finally sitting in the doctor's office for my results...I was surprised to hear that I had good-sized cyst on my ovary.  And it was a complex cyst, the kind that doesn't really go away on it's own.  And it had a septation...and nodules (btw... just a tip... don't ever google little bits of medical information like this after you leave the doctors office)

If you happened to read my post in October "Learning to trust" - it was about this. Just a short run-down on where I was with all this.  I've had plenty of simple cysts...but never a complex cyst... on my left ovary.  The only other time I had complex cysts...I lost my ovary.  I was scared.  I was concerned that I would lose my ovary... and I really want to be able to have children one day.  When the doctor told me about the cyst; immediately all these thoughts started pelting my mind... I'll spare you from listing them individually, but they were all along these lines...
Will I lose my ovary like before?
Am I going to lose my ability to have children?
Why didn't God heal me?

Ever since I first prayed for healing from PCOS, every single time I have had an ultrasound - and I've had a lot of ultrasounds - I get so excited because I have asked God to bring back the right ovary that I lost.  I get so excited every time I have an ultrasound because I think "this will be the time that the right ovary is there and the doctor will be surprised and I can share how I've prayed for God to bring it back."  I have an expectation for that... I had an expectation for God to heal me of that cyst too...I knew it was going to happen... I just *knew* there would be no cyst when I went for that second ultrasoud.  But there was.

Let's go back to me sitting in the doctor's office...with all these negative thoughts attacking my mind... I started crying.  I had this moment of feeling so totally rejected (He didn't heal me...and it could be bad) and scared - and I took a breath and said "I trust you, God."  When I left there, I was still crying; I texted a few friends, asking for prayer, and at the end I added "I trust that God has a plan for my life...and it's an amazing one...no matter how this goes".  For the next two days I cried off and on, I told God I was scared, and I told Him "If I had a husband and kids right now, this wouldn't be such a difficult thing ya know"  (He said He knew that) and I told God how unfair it would be...how vastly unfair it would be, after everything I have walked through, for me to not be able to have my own child because of a stupid cyst.  (He didn't really need me to tell Him that either I guess)

None of that changed the fact that when I went for a follow up ultrasound...I had more cysts... and more pain... and more tears.  I actually had a tough few days after that one.  But every time I got scared... I went to God.  I continued to remind myself of who He is and who He isn't.  He is good, not bad...He loves me, He doesn't hate me...He is for me (completely), not against me... He is merciful...He does not ever set me up for failure.  I reminded myself that God has the most amazing plan for my life... and if it includes biological children...then I will have them.  If it doesn't...I won't.  But God has promised me children.  He never promised me that they would share my DNA...but He has promised me more children than I can even count.  And God doesn't break His promises.

I had this moment...about 3 weeks ago... I was talking to God about...things...I can't remember what... and I had this moment where I looked back at some of the changes that have taken place in me during this struggle with the cyst.  I was contemplating why God wouldn't have healed me, when I believed so strongly that He would...why would He allow me to walk away so broken...when I walked in feeling so sure of a report in my favor???  God told me, "I could have healed you when you first asked...but look what we would have missed out on"  What WE would have missed out on...Him and me.  My relationship with Him is stronger for having walked through this...my trust in Him is stronger because of it... and my awareness of who HE says I am is greater as a result.  Something has shifted in me during this process...and it feels like a huge shift.  I am not the same.

So here's the part I've been waiting to be able to share... waiting for months because I knew it would come one way or another... night before last I was hurting - which is not uncommon... I was at a Christmas party and towards the end I was wanting to leave because I had started hurting pretty bad.  All I could think of was getting home to lay down..which usually helps the pain.  That night it didn't help.  I tried a heating pad...that made it worse, which is not typical at all.  I took Tylenol... it didn't help.  I was praying through this and I told God "if I am supposed to go to the ER, make the pain unbearable...otherwise I will wait until tomorrow and call the doctor"  (I greatly dislike the ER...for many reasons)  About 30 minutes later...I was on the way to the ER.  I texted a friend....she didn't answer.  I started to call...I felt God say no...  I told God on the way to the ER "see...I should have a husband with me right now... I'm not supposed to go to the ER alone..."  (just in case he forgot that I am past marrying age)  He didn't need my reminder...He knew.  Fast forward to me waiting for the test results... I'm praying... I'm hurting... and the thought comes again - I should have someone here with me... I shouldn't be alone.  I reached for my phone, but again God said no.  I had been praying this whole time...but in just one moment I had this idea to invite Jesus to be a stand in since no one was there with me.  And, of course, He was glad to do this...since it's what He wanted me to do from the beginning  :)

I was so comforted...and He even made me laugh in the midst of it all.  He just sat and talked with me and brought me such peace.  Shortly after... the doctor comes back and he says "We have the results of your ultrasound... there is no evidence of any cyst"  I was surprised...and happy (to say the least) and said maybe the pain was from it rupturing.  By this time, the shot (non-narcotic cause I was driving) had taken away most of the pain I was feeling and they discharged me with instruction to see a doctor for follow up. 

Guys... I may never know why things happen the way they do... but I really think the reason for all the pain was just so that I could KNOW that something was happening...and then could have this amazing Christmas gift of knowing that the cysts (all of them) are gone!!!  Even the complex one!

It truly is a miracle!  I am thankful that I have a relationship with the God who creates life... I still don't know all that is in His plan for me... but I am still trusting.  What I do know about it is that He has promised that it will be amazing...more wonderful than I can even imagine.  I can't wait to see what He has in store!